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Confused Sub men? - 3/13/2010 11:58:31 PM   
TenderBlade


Posts: 9
Joined: 8/30/2009
Status: offline 		Have you come across sub men who are confused about what they really want?They don't know whether they are just sexually submissive or whether they are a lifestyle submissive. Is it a big turn off for you? 
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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 3:21:21 AM   
fadedshadow


Posts: 751
Joined: 4/27/2009
From: a place
Status: offline 		I wouldn't say i was confused but since i was new to the lifestyle i needed to learn more about what it was like. in my case, my mistress has helped me learn about it and grow as a person, so i don't think it was a disappointment for her

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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 5:28:23 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		I've come across many men who *think* they want to be submissive - that is, until the opportunity presents itself and they chicken out. Yes, this does frustrate me. However, I'd be willing to discuss all of those things if they were actually willing to look within and be honest with themselves and with me regarding their confusion.

Often, when a guy is new, he has this hot fantasy dominatrix persona that he imagines submitting to and usually it involves all of his sexual kink fantasies that she is doing to him. She may exist, but if she does, you probably have to pay her by the hour.

Often, new guys project that onto us Ladies who are not seeking sessions and that gets old real quick. I don't mind answering questions about how things would really work in MY home, I don't mind taking the time to see if they want to go beyond the bedroom (quite simply I'm not a bedroom only domme so that would need to be explored). But, I will only be open to those discussions if they remain firmly planted in reality, and remain fully honest. I won't have those conversations online either. I used to, but nothing ever came of those conversations - nothing in the flesh so to speak. So now, if one wants to have those self discovery discussions with me, it must be done in person - where they are not hiding behind a monitor, where they HAVE to face reality.

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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 7:58:16 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TenderBlade

Have you come across sub men who are confused about what they really want?They don't know whether they are just sexually submissive or whether they are a lifestyle submissive. Is it a big turn off for you?



Personally, i think that what you describe is quite normal.  After all, everybody in the lifestyle was a newbie at some point.  As with anything else in life, you gain more knowledge with experience.

Many people first discover their kink through fantasies of sexual submission.  But as they learn, grow, and get more experience, they may find that they want their submission to grow to encompass other (or all) areas of their life.  They then become lifestyle submissives.  Others may decide that they want their submission to go even deeper and become full-fledged slaves.

But at the beginning, it is difficult to know which path is best for you.  So just try some things and see what fits best.

Just remember that the Dommes that you learn with are people too.  Treat them with respect.  Value their time.  Be honest with them.  Tell them that you are still learning, and they will help you along the journey.  Some will even voluntarily session with you and try new things out on you to let you see how you like it.

The most important thing to remember is that at times you might get nervous.  After all, this is new to you.  When you do get nervous, DON'T BACK OUT.  Never leave a Domme hanging because you got scared.  That is inconsiderate and cowardly.  Instead, go through with the meeting and share your fears with her.  Let her help you with them.  A good Domme will be willing to "go easy on you".

BTW, your experience will only be as good as the Domme that you choose to learn with.  So make sure you choose a good one.  Don't just jump into a D/s relationship with the first Domme that responds to an e-mail. 

Hope this helps.  Good luck in your journey of exploration.



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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 8:35:44 AM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TenderBlade

Have you come across sub men who are confused about what they really want?They don't know whether they are just sexually submissive or whether they are a lifestyle submissive. Is it a big turn off for you? 


I guess this is like all other aspects of life. A person dosen't always know what they want. It can be a turn off for me because I do know what I want and it's very tedious to deal with someone that sees this as the sexual fantasies he's been looking at on the net. In my case the way to my bed is through service in other areas and a commitment to that service. So, if a man just wants his sexual fantasies fulfilled he might do better to go to a pro Domme than look for a relationship. I'm not saying what men who are sexualy submissive want is not doable. I'm saying most real lifestyle Dommes don't want a part time sub unless they just want a play pal.

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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 9:11:00 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I've been doing BDSM for 16 years now, and at the start of a new relationship, I *still* don't know whether I would only be able to top or bottom, or if I can submit to or dominate them sexually/in play, or if I can be in a D/s relationship with that specific person. It's like Schrodinger's Cat - all of these possibilities and probabilities swirling around, but they don't coalesce into reality/actuality until I *interact* with the specific person. It must be "observed," it doesn't exist in isolation.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 3/14/2010 9:21:33 AM >

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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 9:26:33 AM   
blmtrsne


Posts: 201
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline 		The image men have of being dominated is almost everytimes a reflection of their dreams. When you start to dominate, they are freightened. Then they run or stay.
That's the way I see it, but it's a gut feeling, not a sceintific fact.

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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 9:58:25 AM   
lobodomslavery


Posts: 2477
Joined: 1/17/2008
Status: offline 		I disagree. I think Women should do normal office jobs for money and the lifestyle should be about fun and love not making money out of male subs which seems to be the trend in BDSM
Kevin

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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 10:07:10 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TenderBlade

Have you come across sub men who are confused about what they really want? They don't know whether they are just sexually submissive or whether they are a lifestyle submissive.


All the time. And more often than not, they are simply sexually submissive.

quote:

Is it a big turn off for you? 


It is and it isn't. I'm not interested in simply sexually submissive men. I was at one time in my life when I was discovering, but not so much anymore. But it is their choice to be who they are.

The only things that is a turn off for me is someone who is unwilling to reflect on who they are and are not upfront about their desires or anything that might be unresolved for them.

- LA


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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 10:15:16 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

I disagree. I think Women should do normal office jobs for money and the lifestyle should be about fun and love not making money out of male subs which seems to be the trend in BDSM
Kevin



I'm pleased that you disagree with me.

Everyone here knows that your kink is to bitch and moan about tribute dommes. Your kink is NOT my kink, and for that, I'm ecstatic you disagree with me.

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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 10:15:40 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TenderBlade

Have you come across sub men who are confused about what they really want?They don't know whether they are just sexually submissive or whether they are a lifestyle submissive. Is it a big turn off for you? 

Frankly, yes it is.  I understand that we are in different places in all of this, but I'm long past the 'knowing what I want' phase.  It doesn't mean that I won't help someone along who is finding their way, but I have a huge preference for those who have already gotten to that stage in their lives.


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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 12:26:42 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

I disagree. I think Women should do normal office jobs for money and the lifestyle should be about fun and love not making money out of male subs which seems to be the trend in BDSM
Kevin



Kevin, stop projecting your view of it all into any thread you think might carry it. It isn't something we are willing to make all about you and what you think and highjack the thread and make it something else. You know damn well that most the domina's on this board are not asking for one penny from a submissive... now stop projecting, making this about you and using other submissive's questions to promote your own agenda. Stop treating other submissive's as if their questions don't mean as much as your agenda or warnings to them especially when their question and reason for the thread has nothing to do with your answer.

Now that is the end of it Kevin. This is the op's thread and question, this isn't about you and what you think of domina's, which is totally off topic.


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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 12:31:10 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TenderBlade

Have you come across sub men who are confused about what they really want?They don't know whether they are just sexually submissive or whether they are a lifestyle submissive. Is it a big turn off for you? 


I wouldn't say it is a turn off. I would say that it is a red flag, not because of anything on their part, but on my own. A red flag that this person is a risk for me to be involved with because I seek what I know I want, which is a relationship that is female led. It is also a red flag to me because the typical result in meeting many men in this stage (for lack of a better word at the moment) that will take the sexual play while saying they want what I want to get the sexual play and then they become scared or have reason to exit that they think is legit.

So I typically will tell them to go find out what they want before I will be involved. Some dominant's don't care; I do.

That isn't a slam dunk on anyone who isn't sure, it just isn't what I want to do at this point in life.


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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 12:48:16 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

I disagree. I think Women should do normal office jobs for money and the lifestyle should be about fun and love not making money out of male subs which seems to be the trend in BDSM
Kevin



Kevin, stop projecting your view of it all into any thread you think might carry it. It isn't something we are willing to make all about you and what you think and highjack the thread and make it something else. You know damn well that most the domina's on this board are not asking for one penny from a submissive... now stop projecting, making this about you and using other submissive's questions to promote your own agenda. Stop treating other submissive's as if their questions don't mean as much as your agenda or warnings to them especially when their question and reason for the thread has nothing to do with your answer.

Now that is the end of it Kevin. This is the op's thread and question, this isn't about you and what you think of domina's, which is totally off topic.


I couldn't have said this better Myself.  It seems to Me that most of the folks who have the agenda of complaining about pro dommes are the ones who are in position of having no other alternative.  This is exactly why pros exist.  There are some folks out there who either can not or will not be good relationship material for a lifestyle Domme.  When the only option is to pay someone to want to be with you, rather than be the type of male that a female wants to be with, you might want to look at the three fingers that point back at yourself, rather than the one finger extended to point at someone else.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Lockit)
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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 12:52:58 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

I disagree. I think Women should do normal office jobs for money and the lifestyle should be about fun and love not making money out of male subs which seems to be the trend in BDSM
Kevin



Kevin, stop projecting your view of it all into any thread you think might carry it. It isn't something we are willing to make all about you and what you think and highjack the thread and make it something else. You know damn well that most the domina's on this board are not asking for one penny from a submissive... now stop projecting, making this about you and using other submissive's questions to promote your own agenda. Stop treating other submissive's as if their questions don't mean as much as your agenda or warnings to them especially when their question and reason for the thread has nothing to do with your answer.

Now that is the end of it Kevin. This is the op's thread and question, this isn't about you and what you think of domina's, which is totally off topic.


I couldn't have said this better Myself.  It seems to Me that most of the folks who have the agenda of complaining about pro dommes are the ones who are in position of having no other alternative.  This is exactly why pros exist.  There are some folks out there who either can not or will not be good relationship material for a lifestyle Domme.  When the only option is to pay someone to want to be with you, rather than be the type of male that a female wants to be with, you might want to look at the three fingers that point back at yourself, rather than the one finger extended to point at someone else.



My thoughts exactly Lockit and LadyPact.

- LA

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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 12:55:30 PM   
doombunny


Posts: 10
Joined: 3/9/2010
Status: offline 		as a submissive male i actually find it to be difficult to find a Dominant knowing what i want out of a relationship. now mind you, i'm not pushy or dom-ming from the top, i just want someone who is going to respect me, help me to grow, and whom ultimately i can build a lasting relationship with through my giving myself to them. i think that many of the dominants i have encountered are maybe a little put off by my frankness and my less than obsequious mediative style when trying to communicate the out wants, kinks, and various other potential dimensions before getting into an actual relationship.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that a failure in communication comes from both ends, and while the hallmark of a D/s relationship is the asymmetric balance of power, that i've found that many dominants are quite often not responsive and can frankly come off as churlish when a submissive actually knows what he wants out of a committed relationship

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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 1:03:00 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: doombunny

as a submissive male i actually find it to be difficult to find a Dominant knowing what i want out of a relationship. now mind you, i'm not pushy or dom-ming from the top, i just want someone who is going to respect me, help me to grow, and whom ultimately i can build a lasting relationship with through my giving myself to them. i think that many of the dominants i have encountered are maybe a little put off by my frankness and my less than obsequious mediative style when trying to communicate the out wants, kinks, and various other potential dimensions before getting into an actual relationship.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that a failure in communication comes from both ends, and while the hallmark of a D/s relationship is the asymmetric balance of power, that i've found that many dominants are quite often not responsive and can frankly come off as churlish when a submissive actually knows what he wants out of a committed relationship


I like men who know what they want. I also like men who can tell me in a way that doesn't come across like a little dog humping my leg.

But most importantly, what most men lack, is knowing how to honestly court and seduce a Domme. They don't understand that once you figure out what makes a Domme tick, communication gets relatively easy.

- LA

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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 1:16:58 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Doombunny,

I haven't met you before, so I want to first say, welcome to the boards and it's great to have you here!

I am like LA, I want a man who expresses himself and talks to me. However I don't want someone in a first email telling me what he wants kink wise! lol I want to know him as a person and I want him to see and know me as well. Despite what many think, it isn't all about kink in my world. I have to be able to relate to him and get along outside of the kink and I don't just want kink, but a relationship.

I love a man who speaks his mind. Of course I do want it to be done respectfully as I will give that same respect to him and his wants and needs. I will only become disrespectful when someone is consistently disrespecting me in a personal relationship. But by that stage, it is over. lol There is no place for disrespect in a relationship, in my opinion.


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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 2:11:53 PM   
lobodomslavery


Posts: 2477
Joined: 1/17/2008
Status: offline 		Im not pointing fingers. Its a lifestyle decision for subs who choose to tribute. I think they are being ripped off but in some cases they are not. In any event I agree when You point a finger there are three pointing back at you so Im not pointing fingers at anyone just giving my two cents thats all
Kevin

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RE: Confused Sub men? - 3/14/2010 2:14:14 PM   
lobodomslavery


Posts: 2477
Joined: 1/17/2008
Status: offline 		As well I said it seems to be the trend in other words this is my opinion I could be wrong, I did not say all Dommes are money grabbers now did I.  Thank you
Kevin

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 20
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