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RE: The word 'no' - 3/18/2010 8:01:28 PM

risktaker9

Posts: 197
Joined: 3/10/2010
Status: offline

Saying no is a fact of life until you find the right person. A lot of guys make the mistake of thinking that D/s will get them free sex and women galore. Funny how life never has any shortcuts...if you want something you have to work for it. You have to BE that Dominant that a woman will want to say yes to...you don't get a woman by making up fake rules and waving a magic wand. There are still all kinds of guys who will try the shortcuts thinking that some day they will work.

Say no to whoever you feel like saying no too. That goes for the ones who want you to call them Sir right away or give you the on your knees bitch stuff. It's not a game, there aren't any 'rules' except for the ones that you put into place with the partner that you choose to be with.

(in reply to lostdippysub)

Post #: 21

RE: The word 'no' - 3/18/2010 8:37:16 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Oh my, I just love finding out what the rules are by those people who make them up as they go along. Does this seem the least little bit self-serving to you - the fact that you cannot say no? Sure it does, that's why this thread was started. It just seems a little too convenient that a sub cannot say no.
In fact in my current relationship I am expected to say no if there is something I truly do not want, it's how we operate, which is what works for us- not everyone else. He trusts me that I wouldn't do it on a whim, I trust that I probably will never have to say it.

I also agree that your username might be getting attention from predators looking for easy pickings.

(in reply to lostdippysub)

Post #: 22

RE: The word 'no' - 3/18/2010 8:43:25 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

There are two answers to this.

1. You are absolutely required to say no to random Internet wankers. Your submission is a gift to be reserved for someone you respect and care about, and it cheapens the gift if you give it to everyone.
2. You can and should say no to your Dom. This is known as having hard limits. While you are obligated to please him, you retain some degree of control.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 23

RE: The word 'no' - 3/18/2010 10:02:15 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Being submissive doesn't mean your brain fell out your ear.

Use it.

Just because you're submissive, that doesn't make you their submissive.

If you couldn't refuse, then you'd be doing everything that every asshole and fool on the net, told you to do.

You can and should say no to anyone with whom you've not consented to a dom/sub (etc.) dynamic.

Block and delete are your friends.

Use them.

_____________________________

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(in reply to lostdippysub)

Post #: 24

RE: The word 'no' - 3/18/2010 10:18:13 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

"No Sir, your shoes aren't under the bed. I know because I tripped over them in the living room... ".

Did the mail come yet?
No.
Did the car repairs cost more than $200?
No.
Did I tell you about the time I...............
No.
Did my (mother, brother, best friend) call?
No.
Is this next Sunday Easter?
No.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 25

RE: The word 'no' - 3/18/2010 10:21:14 PM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

SSC, RACK, SSICK are findamental tenets of BDSM, and require ongoing voluntary consent by free choice from self will. Don't be persuaded by the B.S.

When is a limit not a limit? When is it okay to ignore a safeword? When does no not mean no? -- Whenever a narcissistic master says so. Now you know some of the warning signs of a narcissistic wannabe who lacks the wisdom to know that mastery is first of self.

Trust is more often misplaced than it is breached. Your honor, dedication, and surrender is earned with confidence over time.

(in reply to lostdippysub)

Post #: 26

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 7:24:06 AM

Tayr

Posts: 23
Joined: 6/29/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

i said "NO" to a Dom friend today and it really caught him off guard, ha ha! So it is rare for me. But you need to be able to do it.

That'll teach me to ask for a lick of her ice cream cone.

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 27

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 7:29:45 AM

PrimalConsonance

Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lostdippysub

i was told last night that the word 'no' doesnt exist in this life style. Now i know i'm new to this, (i was collared for a year but i was His first sub and He my first Dom) but i'm fairly sure that if i'm not collared, in fact if i've only been talking to someone a few hours then if i say i dont want something to happen then i'm allowed to, arent i? i would really appreciate some guidance on this, thank you.

There is ALWAYS "NO" in BDSM, and any relationship really. The concept of consent offers this.

_____________________________

AKA: CNJDom (types in black) and roselaure (types in Red)

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

(in reply to lostdippysub)

Post #: 28

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 8:52:46 AM

Wolf2Bear

Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: capthook55

It does exist, however, once you agree to something you should not say 'no' when you are called upon to do it

Sorry but if I decided to test my boy's hard limit to see if he's willing to explore and he still has all the right to say no to me if he believes he isn't quite ready yet to want that hard limit tested. same goes when he's feeling under the weather and I want to play...he still has that right to say no. Having the right to say no over trumps any and all protocols in a M/s or D/s type relationship dynamics.

_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to capthook55)

Post #: 29

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 9:03:34 AM

Shyla

Posts: 19
Joined: 5/30/2005
Status: offline

You are potential property until you find the one who is going to own you. It's your PRIMARY duty to make sure that property does not lose value for its future owner (that property being you of course). So yes, you should say no, and no, that wanker has no right to tell you that you can't say no. They just want to see if they can convince you that no was somehow moved from The Oxford English Dictionary of BDSM Terminology. And no, it hasn't been removed.

I have always self identified as slave, and no is a really hard word for me to use. It's just difficult to know that someone wants something from me, that I could possibly provide, and that I will be disappointing them if I say no. It's times like that when I return to the prime directive I had before I found my Daddy. Will engaging in this activity in some way lower my value? Feeling worse about myself or putting myself in positions which I am uncomfortable lowers my value.

However! My long time Mentor (before I found Daddy) always told me that I could say no to him all I wanted to, as long as I carried out his request. So yes, no exists, and no, you shouldn't eschew no, after all - no might get lonely.

You've already been given lots of good advice, but I would also share one thing I've found in 10+ years of wandering across different BDSM related 'net sights. Anyone who tells you up front that you cannot say no, is not worth your time. Anyone worth your time will well be able to handle the fact that you don't want to do something they've asked you to do, and you will surprise yourself by doing it anyway. If a monosyllabic, two letter word is enough to scare someone who proclaims themself dominant so badly that they seek to outlaw it and banish it from existence, they aren't dominant. I can tell my Daddy no. In fact.. the past few nights I have told him "I really don't want to" at least once or twice during our conversations. Or "no, I don't want to talk about that". He either listens to my reasoning and agrees to table the matter for a better moment in time, or within five minutes I'm talking about it anyway.

My two pennies on a sunny Friday afternoon.

shyla

T-minus 4 weeks and counting until I'm home at his feet.

(in reply to Huntertn)

Post #: 30

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 10:17:44 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lostdippysub

i was told last night that the word 'no' doesnt exist in this life style. Now i know i'm new to this, (i was collared for a year but i was His first sub and He my first Dom) but i'm fairly sure that if i'm not collared, in fact if i've only been talking to someone a few hours then if i say i dont want something to happen then i'm allowed to, arent i? i would really appreciate some guidance on this, thank you.

Whoever told you that probably has halitosis... because they are talking outta their ass.

Unless and until you submit to someone then you owe them NOTHING. Authority over you is your own.

Once you submit, then... well it is a case of making sure you know what you are submitting to! Some/most Dom/sub relationships there is areas where you have a degree of autonamy and areas where you have handed over authority to the person you submitted to. Some/most Master/slave relationships unless you are removing consent and ending the relationship then you don't have the right to say no... but you are (or should be) aware that's what you are walking into BEFORE you submit. If it isn't something you could live, choose someone to submit to that is compatable with what you need and are capable of giving.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to lostdippysub)

Post #: 31

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 11:42:38 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

Absolutely, even for slaves - as hard as it is for me sometimes, i have to be able to use the word "No" to keep myself safe while i'm unowned.

i said "NO" to a Dom friend today and it really caught him off guard, ha ha! So it is rare for me. But you need to be able to do it.

Once Owned, the dynamic is totally different. But until then absolutely, and don't feel bad about it, you are protecting your future Dom's interest in you.

Exactly.

When you find you can't say no, you'll know you've found home.

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 32

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 11:44:22 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

This is known as having hard limits. While you are obligated to please him, you retain some degree of control.

Or better yet, choose carefully in the first place.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 33

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 11:51:30 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

I wanted to add that the word no is hard for me to use and I have to be very careful not to get into a situations where I am thinking I may need it. A man who takes my personal safety seriously and understands enough about a sub/slave to know that she will probably say yes too easily...well that man has my attention and gratitude and I'm going to be predisposed to liking him more than the one who tries to get into my pants by telling me I can't say no.

The man who wants me to make a well informed consensual decision to be with him may get what he wants in the end while the other type is mostly going to be alone plus I'm going to resent the hell out of him for pushing me to the point where i feel i have to say no. Funny, the ones who should pay attention to this never do...

(in reply to lostdippysub)

Post #: 34

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 12:23:15 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lostdippysub

See this is what i thought and if it was just this one guy then ok, HNG alert, but there's been 3 or 4 guys now who have all ignored me when i've said no to something and i was beginning to wonder if it was me being wussy about things, mainly pain.

Surely you don't think that when you drive on the information superhighway you're only going to hit 3 or 4 potholes, do you?

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to lostdippysub)

Post #: 35

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 12:38:51 PM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

I wanted to add that the word no is hard for me to use and I have to be very careful not to get into a situations where I am thinking I may need it. A man who takes my personal safety seriously and understands enough about a sub/slave to know that she will probably say yes too easily...well that man has my attention and gratitude and I'm going to be predisposed to liking him more than the one who tries to get into my pants by telling me I can't say no.

This is a very good point about not getting into situations where you might have to say "No," especially if saying it is difficult.

i tend to avoid situations where i might be pressured to play or service someone - i avoid singles bars, i don't go to BDSM clubs or parties unescorted, things like that. Also when chatting online i have set up rules for myself - i don't discuss specific physical acts i've done or may do in the future with someone i don't know well, i don't send naked photos, and i don't perform on webcam for anyone. These are rules i have in place to protect myself as property for my future Owner, and i can tell you that those that understand and appreciate that i am protecting myself don't have an issue with it. The ones that do typically were just trying to use me for wank fodder.

And i only make friends in real life with Doms who i know will protect and respect me.....even if they do try to take my ice cream (Tayr

)

Following these rules and avoiding these sorts of situations helps keep me from having to say "No" as much as possible. Call it an avoidance technique, but it works for me. Perhaps the OP can consider some rules she can create to keep herself safe while minimizing the "No's" in her search as well.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 36

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 12:43:54 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

~ Fast Re-run ~

Wow - A submissive or slave with permission to say 'no'! I'm stunned.

Beside the 3rd person speech restriction beth isn't even allowed to use words where the letters 'n' and 'o' appear together. The downside, of course, is that she can't refer to me as being "all kNOwing - kNOw it all!". Not only appropriate, but in addition the way I want it and like it.

Another word it prevents beth from using is igNOrant. she can't say to me; "You are an igNOrant bastard!"

In fact it takes so much pre-thinking that by the time she figures out how to form the sentence we've moved on to aNOther subject. But then she can't suggest aNOther. Over the years she come NOt to even bother.

Granted, language usage was was more difficult to train than say body language and common gesture. The avoidance of shaking her head side to side indicating the prohibited 'NO' was much more fun; I enjoyed the training sessions involving her head bobbing up and down all the time. I require regular ongoing training sessions, just to make sure she kNOws what's required.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 37

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 12:47:43 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

aNOther great posting from Mister Mercnbeth. haha

_____________________________

It hurts.....that you call me a masochist

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 38

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 1:01:29 PM

wisdomtogive

Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline

OP
I just wanted to chirp in here to say that I am glad you are using your head. so many throw common sense out the window just cause a 'dom' says so..., glad you didn't.

In a relationship things change, yet not every Dom is the same either. Sir, will permit me to use the word, though doesn't mean he will listen to it. It is away to discuss why not.

blessings

_____________________________

Happily owned by MstrDark1

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 39

RE: The word 'no' - 3/19/2010 2:46:39 PM

ceebee

Posts: 33
Joined: 7/28/2005
Status: offline

If you don't value yourself enough to stay safe, healthy, and happy, however in the world can you expect anyopne else to?

(in reply to wisdomtogive)

Post #: 40

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