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Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 1:08:32 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I see a few old topics being dragged from their crypts today. Phht... stinky! But one of them brought up something I would like to explore.

I see this sort of thing said in every bdsm site to which I belong:

like finding "the one", some of us find that person, others just... settle.

Every place I read people are seeking out the "one". Most want it now, as if that mythical mate will fall from some tree at their feet. Many believe they will know it when it happens, whether that is through online, phone or cam chat, or if it is that first glance attraction one might feel when meeting someone.

I have felt that sort of immediate attraction in my life but what do you know... none of those guys was the "one". In fact I have had 2 loves in my life that might fit if one counts multiple 'ones'. And I have had a few more long term lovers that I spent some happy times with even if I never felt the desire for more than what we had together. Obviously, those few were not even a prospective 'one'... but DANG.. I had some fun while it lasted.

People talk about settling as if any time they spent with someone who at the time they considered to be the person they loved. was in hindsight, settling.

Why is that, do you suppose? I was married. I didn't love him at any time of our relationship, for me it was not settling because that would imply I had an active choice between him and another. He wanted me, he got me and in my head there was no way for me to back out. But, it was not settling. In fact, regardless of the fact I often detested him we had a fairly decent marriage. We created some great children between us. It may have failed but it was not a mistake and it was not settling.

Since my marriage I have been in love and in lust. None of that was settling even though today I am unattached. The loves I had are still men in my life and I cherish the time I sometimes spend with them. I do not regard either of the two men I love as the 'one' because how would I rate them? Would they have to share the title? And as for those lusty partners with whom I spent some time.. those were not settling either. Freak.. I had FUN! I enjoyed my life and my partners! So what that it did not last, while I lived it, I lived it well. And when my time with those men was coming to an end I did not look back and say "I settled" There were loving feelings, laughter, lust, and anguish and it was all part of life.

Is it really settling when you have lived it and enjoyed what time you spent together? Do people really regard their failed relationships and marriages as not finding the right one? What about the good times?

This is a rant, but I am very curious about how people regard their prior relationships and whether then really believe they "settled"
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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 1:39:27 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		I've never "looked" ... and I never have believed in 'the one' ... I think its simply a great way to set yourself up for failure.  If you find 'the one' along the way.. great.. but to assume that person exists, I think is foolish -- that's me.  I don't believe any one person can satisfy all our needs -- and shouldn't.  For me, the right person is one that meets most of my needs, the important ones... and with whom I can figure out if the other needs are necessary and how/if they will be fulfilled elsewhere.

I will say that right now, I have someone in my life who has met the most needs and the rest of them I don't really care about -- I'm not even certain what they might be at this point.

I have never settled and never will.. why would I?  I'd rather be single than feel that I've settled for something less than I need, want or deserve... being alone is preferable...

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 1:46:31 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Is there any difference between finding the "one" and finding your own true love?

How about, partner?, mate? the last slave, sub or master, dom of your life?

I think we get squicked when it sounds .....cute. In the end I think it is just words.

I don't care who the "one" is, we all end up making compromises. You can call it settling, or you can call it life


Jeff



< Message edited by Jeffff -- 3/23/2010 1:49:19 PM >

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 1:49:45 PM   
Madame4a


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From: Washington, DC area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Is there any difference between finding the "one" and finding your own true love?

How about, partner?, mate? the last slave, sub or master, dom of your life?

I think we get squicked when it sounds .....cute. In the end I think it is just words.


Jeff


I don't really believe any of those things exist.. although I do think some people will have different definitions of them... the one, vs. true love etc...

I'm a bit of a love, romance, and long term marriage curmudgeon... I'm happy where I am... calling it something that I don't believe in will 'queer' the deal, so to speak, for me...

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 1:53:59 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		It's the ice weasles!


I also added to my original post.


But I still blame the ice weasles!

< Message edited by Jeffff -- 3/23/2010 1:54:58 PM >

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 1:58:07 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		I like what you added about compromises.. we all do... I have never thought of it as settling... all of life is a balance.. you just have to figure out how to balance.. and how to compromise the right amount, without compromising yourself away...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

It's the ice weasles!


I also added to my original post.


But I still blame the ice weasles!


_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 2:06:22 PM   
MasterXMagnum


Posts: 23
Joined: 3/16/2010
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Interesting topic. I can say I had one relationship that was very committed, loving, passionate, and worked in every real world sense of the word; great children, happy home life, an excellent match of wants/wishes/desires, but as no one is perfect then, certainly, every relationship will have it's disappointments, big or small. I know there were times my wife/slave would have preferred immured me behind a wall in our basement than kneel before me. And there were times I could have traded her for a decent lawn tractor. Very few times, though. We loved and laughed and groaned with passion at least 98% of our marriage.

And, before and since, there were other relationships with some I would rather forget, some I'll always cherish the memories of even though it didn't last. I'm sure everyone shares this experience. Often times I'd feel at first "MmmHmm THIS is IT!!" but then time and deeper familiarity would rob that initial blush of certainty.

I *think* for the vast majority of people, there's this ideal notion of being with that other person who is your perfect compliment, or at least enough so to make it worth hanging on to. I have, personally, waited until I'm past the idea of duplicating precisely what I had with my wife, so as to make it possible to let my feelings about the next person in my life to be judged on her own merits rather in an unfair comparison of a long and loving relationship. At this point, I hope I understand the difference between settling into a relationship that allows someone I care about to be cherished for who she is, and "settling".

Magnum

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 2:07:33 PM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		I really like this question and thank you for asking it, Missokyst

Sir and i are not in love but we do love each other. Maybe in time being in love will come. There is a strange chemistry between us, which is weird since for both us we are not similiar to our past partners, nor what we been searching. Sometimes i am in ahhhh that this chemistry exists. Perhaps my mind is not in the correct way now, but i am not going to judge it; nothing lasts forever, and i now use that as my premises for living. Losing the love of my life, made me very aware of that.

I do feel we have a good chance of being together for a long time, and both of us are willing to give it our all. Only time can tell. Am i settling, is he? Perhaps so, but to us it is worth it. We been good friends first, so if nothing else we will remain friends. We both hope this is for a long run, yet we both know only time will tell.

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 2:07:59 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Ahh... that brings up another thing, compromise. I don't believe I have met perfect yet. And I am darned sure I am not perfect, yet people have had some happy times with me regardless of the lack.

People say compromise as if anything less than perfection would be a compromise. I want to know how people KNOW they found perfect without having first experienced that person on a day to day level. If at the beginning of any of my relationships I had said to myself

"EH... No one else around, I guess this one will do" I think I would be kicking myself sideways.

I too would rather be alone than be with a person I was solely with just because there was no one better around me. It disturbs me to think that people walk into relationships knowing there is no feeling at all. Every relationship I have been in have all started out with hope that it might develop further. I never thought, eh... I guess this will do.

Yet every day I see people saying they settled when they married, ect. Were there no good times? No love.. ever?

In my own marriage I walked down that aisle feeling the need to run out the door, but I was 16 and timid. I am horrified to think that others walked into their marriages believing they were simply settling.

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 2:19:07 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		I married for a bad reason. it had nothing to do with compromise. I believe in love, I just don't see it as story book silly,

There are bills to be paid and shit to do. I think you could say you settled if you knew going in the other person wasn't really anywhere near what you wanted.

It is better to be alone, than wish you were

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 2:35:14 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Love is lovely ... but compatibility is better!

and compromising isn't the end of your self. Just because you compromise doesn't mean that you have given up all rights to being an individual - it usually means you are in touch with reality. The only perfect person you will ever see is in the mirror- because you don't actually interact with a reflection!

Individuals are messy, complicated and just plain weird! and all of that is going to go on in a relationship, so for me at least, compromising on things that aren't vital or really important to me means happiness, contentment or just plain joy, and it isn't settling, its being realistic.

I don't know how you can "settle" with someone without ending up despising them for not being what you wanted. To even have the idea of "settling" is an expression of contempt.

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 2:35:21 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Exactly what I think! I am always seeing people who say they had settled when they married and NOW they are looking for what they want. Umm... shoot. I was a timid kid with an overbearing partner and a family who let me call the shots. It bugs the shit out of me that they seem to be dismissing THEY made the choice to be with their mate. Why the heck would you choose someone who wasnt near what you wanted unless you were young and stupid?


quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff
I think you could say you settled if you knew going in the other person wasn't really anywhere near what you wanted.



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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 2:50:21 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Ya know I come from a completely different "place".  I never thought of there being "one".  They are mostly the same just different size boxes.  <big, small, white, green>  After being around the block more than once.  I found the "one" and have been with her for 7 years.  Go figure

BadOne


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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 2:51:02 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Well, My story is a bit involved, and even the Anteater keeps SOME things to himself...:)

But I was 30..... I wasn't entirely stupid.....I might even do it again. There was one particular benefit that is priceless.

I would not recommend others followed my example...:)

Jeff

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 3:12:39 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		It's all about sour grapes. You look back on something that initially seemed good-and say "I could have done better,maybe next time."

Then create some sort of silly fantasy construct in your head about "the perfect one."

It's a form of bitterness that's strongly linked to both defensiveness-and a form of emotional masochism.

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 3:14:17 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline

I was in a "bad" relationship once .. but I've never considered it settling. It worked at one moment and didn't the next. But at the time it did, it was great. Settling in my mind means I've given up on myself. It means that I think there is better out there but I just can't reach it. What would that say about me?


Exactly ....
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

I don't know how you can "settle" with someone without ending up despising them for not being what you wanted. To even have the idea of "settling" is an expression of contempt.



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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 3:23:05 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		blows a kiss at jefff (he's very cute by the way) cute and funny - (sigh)

anyhoo - i think people waste an awful lot of time and miss out on an awful lot of people because they have 'The One' in their mind and hang about for them, disregard others because theyre the wrong shape, hair colour, whatever.  whenever i see 'Im looking for The One' i just go pffft - theyll be there in another decade and itll be 'Looking for any One'

what i tend to do with the past is remind myself that at the time it felt right.  it may have ended not so well but i refuse to regret something that at the time felt right and at the time of choosing felt like the right choice.  as they say hindsight is 20:20.

as jefff says - its better to be alone than wishing you were - says it all really.

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 4:18:38 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst
Is it really settling when you have lived it and enjoyed what time you spent together?
Do people really regard their failed relationships and marriages as not finding the right one? What about the good times?
This is a rant, but I am very curious about how people regard their prior relationships and whether then really believe they "settled"


I have never considered my past relationships to be failures. Sure there were a few relatively short lived ones that I thought to myself "what was I thinking?" immediately afterward. Even in those there was a glimmer or two of enjoyment or else I would never have ventured there. There were a few more where I stayed at the dance a little longer than I should have.

I have a rather unique perspective on relationships (unique in that I have never heard anyone else ever espouse the same perspective) in that I feel that relationships have a certain lifespan. Some are meant to last a lifetime, others a few years and some just for the weekend. Sometimes two people can have a great connection that lasts until death do they part and sometimes it's just time to move on. Recognizing when or if it's time to move on can be a tricky call. I could have married my high school sweetheart and spent the rest of my life with her if that was my objective. There are lots of couples who spend their lives together quite honestly very happily and others who spent their lives together more because that was their objective. I have a friend who sums it up this way: "Choose your love and love your choice".

I don't think it's all that unreasonable for people to want to find the proverbial "one" but I shake my head when they can't describe the "one" in reasonable detail but instead rely on the "I'll know it when I see it" syndrome. I did that for years. It doesn't work very well. People have needs and wants and their definitions are self explanatory. Sit down and factor up your needs and wants. When you find someone who meets your needs and maybe some of your major wants - they are the one. Hang on to them.









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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 4:28:39 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterXMagnum
I have, personally, waited until I'm past the idea of duplicating precisely what I had with my wife, so as to make it possible to let my feelings about the next person in my life to be judged on her own merits rather in an unfair comparison of a long and loving relationship.


That is incredibly good advice. Often we hear anecdotes about people who carry baggage (for lack of a better term) from a bad past relationship into the next relationship. You make a really great point that it's also possible to do the same concerning a really great past relationship. I have been really good about leaving the past behind about the not so good relationships - sometimes to the point of not having learned the lessons I should have. I'm in the first really great relationship of my life. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if it ended for some reason. You hit the nail on the head although I doubt I have enough years left to get this one out of my system.




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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 4:48:16 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I donated the Domiguy Soulmate O' Meter to the Smithsonian. Bummer. I don't know what to do.

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