Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Pushing Boundries


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Pushing Boundries Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 9:48:03 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I read a lot of comments regarding boundries, limits and pushing them.

If a sub completly submits to you to the point of doing anything you demand, how do you know what's too far for them?

...and if you take it too far do you think they're justified in thinking you've broken the trust between you?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 10:12:53 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		Simple matter of observation and knowing a person, is it not?

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 10:21:55 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

Simple matter of observation and knowing a person, is it not?


Is it? A person can surprise themselves with what they can do or where they can go... under the right circumstances. How do you know a person better then they know themselves?

(in reply to Musicmystery)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 10:30:58 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		I've had my fill of silly games and pointless discussions already today, so OK,

Dominant people have special mystical powers. They know.

-or-

Submission is really dangerous and stupid. Don't do it.

Take your pick and enjoy.

By the way, it's not possible to know children or pets either, so never act in their interests either.

I'll get you started....."But....."

Have fun.

< Message edited by Musicmystery -- 3/28/2010 10:31:17 AM >

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 10:38:36 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious


quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

Simple matter of observation and knowing a person, is it not?


Is it? A person can surprise themselves with what they can do or where they can go... under the right circumstances. How do you know a person better then they know themselves?


Simple answer: You can't. But you can try your best, though.

People make mistakes, even Dominant men. Entirely up to you if you want to forgive a mistake and trust him anyway - or consider the trust broken and end the relationship.

So much of submission is mindset - and the goals of that mindset. If your goal is to always further your submission and the relationship with your Dom, then focusing on his mistakes and judging the possible breaking of trust is of no value.

Seems to me you're scared of being pushed, but want to be. At some point you're just going to have to step off the cliff - and trust him to catch you. Over-thinking about it and all the possible outcomes will get you nowhere.

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 3/28/2010 10:39:34 AM >

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 10:55:19 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

I've had my fill of silly games and pointless discussions already today, so OK,

Dominant people have special mystical powers. They know.

-or-

Submission is really dangerous and stupid. Don't do it.

Take your pick and enjoy.

By the way, it's not possible to know children or pets either, so never act in their interests either.

I'll get you started....."But....."

Have fun.


If it is pointless why bother to answer in the first place? This is a concern for me because it's very easy for me to get "caught up in the moment" to my regret later.

My question is simply how you go about deciding which boundries can be pushed and which can't?

Regardless of whether you find my question pointless or not, there is no reason to be rude.

(in reply to Musicmystery)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 10:59:45 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		The pointlessness is that you're clearly on a "yeah but what if" mission, and that's just going to go in endless circles until you face up to to whatever the real issue is inside you, as UR pointed out.

I did answer. You brushed it immediately aside for the game. I can go on to point out that we all know more about each other from simple observation, but you've already established a ground rule to prevent that.

So yup, it's pointless.

Getting caught up in the moment is a different issue, one you didn't mention until now. It's answer depends on the foundation set previously in the particular relationship.

If you find that rude, so be it.




< Message edited by Musicmystery -- 3/28/2010 11:00:35 AM >

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 11:02:00 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:


If it is pointless why bother to answer in the first place? This is a concern for me because it's very easy for me to get "caught up in the moment" to my regret later.


The solution is to stop regretting the things that you choose to do, or submit to.

It was the choice you made at the time, and you had the experience, and learned from it - all you can do is decide if you would choose to do that thing again, or submit to that thing again. Regret is mostly an un-helpful emotion.

quote:


My question is simply how you go about deciding which boundries can be pushed and which can't?


The question you are asking is very much up to the individuals involved - there is no answer to it here.

quote:


Regardless of whether you find my question pointless or not, there is no reason to be rude.


i don't see Musicmystery's post as rude, just honest - there are no hard and fast answers to what you're asking.



_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 11:06:29 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious


quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

Simple matter of observation and knowing a person, is it not?


Is it? A person can surprise themselves with what they can do or where they can go... under the right circumstances. How do you know a person better then they know themselves?


Simple answer: You can't. But you can try your best, though.

People make mistakes, even Dominant men. Entirely up to you if you want to forgive a mistake and trust him anyway - or consider the trust broken and end the relationship.

So much of submission is mindset - and the goals of that mindset. If your goal is to always further your submission and the relationship with your Dom, then focusing on his mistakes and judging the possible breaking of trust is of no value.

Seems to me you're scared of being pushed, but want to be. At some point you're just going to have to step off the cliff - and trust him to catch you. Over-thinking about it and all the possible outcomes will get you nowhere.


Thanks for your response...it seems that when you start talking about boundaries the reply I often here is "that's something we can work on" before even asking why it's a limit. I understand what you're saying about thinking too much...I do tend to over analyze sometimes.

(in reply to UniqueRaven)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 11:07:34 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

The pointlessness is that you're clearly on a "yeah but what if" mission, and that's just going to go in endless circles until you face up to to whatever the real issue is inside you, as UR pointed out.

I did answer. You brushed it immediately aside for the game. I can go on to point out that we all know more about each other from simple observation, but you've already established a ground rule to prevent that.

So yup, it's pointless.

Getting caught up in the moment is a different issue, one you didn't mention until now. It's answer depends on the foundation set previously in the particular relationship.

If you find that rude, so be it.


Yes, thank you - this is a fear-based question, without an answer. The only solution is to find a Dominant you trust, and go from there - and let go of fear and regrets and expectations of outcomes.

That's what makes what we do - fun.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to Musicmystery)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 11:17:02 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

The pointlessness is that you're clearly on a "yeah but what if" mission, and that's just going to go in endless circles until you face up to to whatever the real issue is inside you, as UR pointed out.

I did answer. You brushed it immediately aside for the game. I can go on to point out that we all know more about each other from simple observation, but you've already established a ground rule to prevent that.

So yup, it's pointless.

Getting caught up in the moment is a different issue, one you didn't mention until now. It's answer depends on the foundation set previously in the particular relationship.

If you find that rude, so be it.



I'm seeking information...but don't want to make it "all about me" so in asking the question tried to keep it general. In discussing limits it often seems like there is more importance placed on pushing them then in finding out why they're there.

The small amount of experience I've had was undertaken foolishly with bad results... I'm attempting to be more succesful this time.

(in reply to Musicmystery)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 11:19:25 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		There is no way.


It is your responsibility as a sub to find a Dom who will take you to your limits but no farther.  It is his responsibility to not push you beyond.  And if it does happen, it's a joint responsibility to assess and see how to fix damage.

This is assuming that it's an "Oops" mistake, like whipping too hard, or a blow striking somewhere it shouldn't.  If it was something deliberate in which he put you in subspace and then deliberately sprung something on you like bringing out five guys to gangbang you when you couldn't think straight, that's serious.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to UniqueRaven)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 11:29:05 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
I'm seeking information...but don't want to make it "all about me" so in asking the question tried to keep it general. In discussing limits it often seems like there is more importance placed on pushing them then in finding out why they're there.

The small amount of experience I've had was undertaken foolishly with bad results... I'm attempting to be more succesful this time.

i gained a lot of maturity as a slave when i realized that not everything has to be understood by my Owner - and i don't need to try to force him to understand, or feel slighted when he doesn't, either.

And often he does understand - even better than myself - just he doesn't show it in the same way, or the way that i might expect. People are different, and they don't always act in the way that you think that they should. So the reality is, placing so much importance on being understood, and feeling understood, is a waste of energy.

The key, again, is finding someone you can trust. You have to trust him to not do things like DarkSteven said (the subspace gangbang).

Trusting him is much more important than trying to make him understand you. You're going to find that a losing enterprise everytime. You're seeking a feeling to alleviate your fear, and that's not the solution. You have to face the fear, and trust anyway.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 11:31:14 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

There is no way.


It is your responsibility as a sub to find a Dom who will take you to your limits but no farther.  It is his responsibility to not push you beyond.  And if it does happen, it's a joint responsibility to assess and see how to fix damage.

This is assuming that it's an "Oops" mistake, like whipping too hard, or a blow striking somewhere it shouldn't.  If it was something deliberate in which he put you in subspace and then deliberately sprung something on you like bringing out five guys to gangbang you when you couldn't think straight, that's serious.




(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 11:37:24 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

There is no way.


It is your responsibility as a sub to find a Dom who will take you to your limits but no farther.  It is his responsibility to not push you beyond.  And if it does happen, it's a joint responsibility to assess and see how to fix damage.

This is assuming that it's an "Oops" mistake, like whipping too hard, or a blow striking somewhere it shouldn't.  If it was something deliberate in which he put you in subspace and then deliberately sprung something on you like bringing out five guys to gangbang you when you couldn't think straight, that's serious.



You cut right to the heart of the matter with your second example...I'm trying to understand how different Doms or Masters approach dealing with limits so I know what to look for in a Dom. I apologize if it was a poorly phrased question.

Thank you.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 11:41:11 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious


You cut right to the heart of the matter with your second example...I'm trying to understand how different Doms or Masters approach dealing with limits so I know what to look for in a Dom. I apologize if it was a poorly phrased question.

Thank you.


Look for someone you think you can trust, and then work on building that trust. Every Dom deals with limits differently - if you're not comfortable with one, or if you don't feel you can trust him, say "No thank you," and move on. There is no "checklist" for a good Dom - you have to find who is good for you.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 11:47:50 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		Once burned, twice shy... But I'm trying

(in reply to UniqueRaven)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 12:02:35 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious


quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

I've had my fill of silly games and pointless discussions already today, so OK,

Dominant people have special mystical powers. They know.

-or-

Submission is really dangerous and stupid. Don't do it.

Take your pick and enjoy.

By the way, it's not possible to know children or pets either, so never act in their interests either.

I'll get you started....."But....."

Have fun.


If it is pointless why bother to answer in the first place? This is a concern for me because it's very easy for me to get "caught up in the moment" to my regret later.

My question is simply how you go about deciding which boundries can be pushed and which can't?

Regardless of whether you find my question pointless or not, there is no reason to be rude.


i do understand why youre asking these questions, but to be honest, the only way youre ever going to fully appreciate and understand how any of this works is to get out there and do it.

the comment from music was basically the answer - others will come along and say pretty much the same - youre Dominant will learn to read you, recognise youre receptivity or lack of it on a particular day.  they will give you a safe word, take the pushing gradually, maybe five more at a time, or whatever. 

its no so scary - you just have to find the guy i suggested you should find in youre last thread.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 12:08:50 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		This is exactly why I have hard untouchable limits in place. Everything but those are negotiable and can be crossed over time as I get to know my partner and he gets to know what sort of response to expect. It is only the untouchable limits that would break my trust and likely his nose.


quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious


quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

I've had my fill of silly games and pointless discussions already today, so OK,

Dominant people have special mystical powers. They know.

-or-

Submission is really dangerous and stupid. Don't do it.

Take your pick and enjoy.

By the way, it's not possible to know children or pets either, so never act in their interests either.

I'll get you started....."But....."

Have fun.


If it is pointless why bother to answer in the first place? This is a concern for me because it's very easy for me to get "caught up in the moment" to my regret later.

My question is simply how you go about deciding which boundries can be pushed and which can't?

Regardless of whether you find my question pointless or not, there is no reason to be rude.


(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Pushing Boundries - 3/28/2010 12:22:19 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

Once burned, twice shy... But I'm trying


I've also been burned...badly. I learned the hard way that not everyone can be trusted, and not everyone is what they appear to be. So I developed a set of rules that have stood me in good stead since that time.

Firstly, I get to know him. Talk online, talk in person, find out more about him, do the nilla dating thing. No sex, no play. That weeds out many of the 'shag-monsters'.

Secondly, when we do play, I make damned sure he is aware of the limits, and I never allow myself to get in a position where I can't stop what is going on immediately. So, little or no restraints the first few times. No gags - so safewords can be heard. Have someone I trust aware that I'm with this person, and arrange a time to call them afterwards.

That may sound a little paranoid, but the time it went wrong for me really made an impression. I'm very aware of my own vulnerability now, and until I know a guy really well he doesn't get a chance to do much 'limit pushing' until I am totally ready.

Once you and he are more comfortable with each other, then pushing boundaries can take place, but do not be afraid to take control of how far this goes. Ask beforehand if he has anything planned. Discuss things, until you are both comfortable with what will happen. It may spoil the element of surprise, but it's a trade-off, at least until he knows you well enough to spot warning signs.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Pushing Boundries Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094