RE: Pushing Boundries (Full Version)

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DarkSteven -> RE: Pushing Boundries (3/30/2010 4:56:05 AM)

I think I can expect once a month, then...



aldompdx -> RE: Pushing Boundries (3/30/2010 6:15:20 AM)

myotherself,

You are certainly free to redefine your personal definitions of limits and boundaries as guidelines and preferences. But in the realm of normal English communication, "limit" simply does not mean "maybe."

OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY:
1. a. A boundary, frontier; an object serving to define a boundary, a landmark. Now only in narrower sense: A boundary or terminal point considered as confining or restricting; chiefly pl. bounds.
2. a. One of the fixed points between which the possible or permitted extent, amount, duration, range of action, or variation of anything is confined; a bound which may not be passed, or beyond which something ceases to be possible or allowable.

If one wants to communicate something in English, they will be best served by actually saying what they mean instead of creating obscure cliquish jargon. Part of that process is clearly and unambiguously expressing one's limits, in order to be responsible and prevent abuse. Surrender is not the same as passivity.



myotherself -> RE: Pushing Boundries (3/30/2010 6:29:50 AM)

I didn't consider it obscure at all - I thought I explained it rather well. In fact, I explained it in exactly the same way that I explain it to Dominants I play with. No-one else seems to find it a problem. And as I take the time and the effort to explain what I mean, it doesn't count as passivity.

But then again, YMMV.




lally2 -> RE: Pushing Boundries (3/30/2010 9:17:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Not stupidity.  Just being new and getting taken advantage of.

And not by me.  [sm=river.gif]



im sure you know this, but knowledge doesnt protect you from getting taken advantage of -

each time ive learnt something and decided to avoid that something at all costs ive swung right into the next steep learning curve ill later decide to avoid at all costs.  for many this is a journey of self discovery more than anything and if eventually you find a guy you like a whole lot and can share Ds or Ms with then thats fab, great, brilliant.

just a little bit of knoweldge can be a dangerous thing - is all im saying -

ill shut up now and stop being so boring. [:)]



SimplyMichael -> RE: Pushing Boundries (3/30/2010 9:50:49 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: aldompdx

quote:


There are two kinds of boundaries: Soft ... and hard


When is a limit not a limit? Whenever a narcissist says so.
A limit is not a guideline or a preference, it is a boundary. There is nothing soft or hard about it.

The relevant question of a narcissistically defined "soft limit" is whether you are are a masochist who appreciates abuse.


While I appreciate your intent here, you are quite wrong about this. I can violate someone and never cross a limit and I can cross a limit and never violate someone.

When my son came to live with me, he had a limit around vegetables, I respected that limit and never spoke of it but continued to cook like normal, had friends over who ate everything I cooked. I was manipulating him quite intentionally, knowing that if I forced him (as his parents did) he would continue to hate vegetables, but I knew if I simply let him have control over what he ate, he would at some point violate his limit on his own. He now eats stuff even I won't...I got my way by letting him have control.

I breeze past hard and soft limits all the time and get away with it because I do it in a way that works for the person I am with, not just at the moment but the day, week, and months afterwards. I also tell them they SHOULD have limits about something they want to do and have no problem telling them that doing something they want to do is a bad idea.

I would agree thought that a narcissist is in general, a bad choice in a partner.



jbcurious -> RE: Pushing Boundries (3/30/2010 9:57:50 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2




im sure you know this, but knowledge doesnt protect you from getting taken advantage of -

each time ive learnt something and decided to avoid that something at all costs ive swung right into the next steep learning curve ill later decide to avoid at all costs.  for many this is a journey of self discovery more than anything and if eventually you find a guy you like a whole lot and can share Ds or Ms with then thats fab, great, brilliant.

just a little bit of knoweldge can be a dangerous thing - is all im saying -

ill shut up now and stop being so boring. [:)]


You're not being boring, just kind, and it's appreciated.



PookBaccus -> RE: Pushing Boundries (4/6/2010 12:50:34 AM)

Empathy



dragon200070 -> RE: Pushing Boundries (4/27/2010 2:11:26 PM)

When a couple meet, they set out hard and soft limits. "No limits" is not acceptable to me because there must be limits. Over time, we can "work" on the soft limits; and incorporate those things that worked into our regular play.

Hard limits are not to broached unless specifically requested.

If I run over hard limits, or handle soft limitis insentively, I have indeed failed.

Jeff



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