wondering about Dominant personalities...

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tsuta -> wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 12:06:29 AM)
Sorry for the vague title :( im bad at briefly summarizing my ideas... Last night's topic on the first chatroom, about being positive, got me thinking and asking myself a lot of questions... often i find myself not really understanding why is it that Dom(me)s are what they are. I mean, i can sort of understand why i have submissive desires, but the other side, altho i'm very happy and grateful they exist, is still a mystery to me in many ways. We hear a lot about subs (or at least, i think so, because i feel that way sometime) wanting to be in a D/s relationship in part (not JUST for that) to have a role model, motivator, guide, someone who will, basically, push them to improve themselves, provide a structure, safety, who will make you (altho you have to want it, in no way i think its up to the Dom/Master to do the work for the sub, just mostly provide the structure and push needed) stop being negative and unproductive (to make the link as to why last night's chat triggered all those questions in me)... I don't mean people with huge problems that should be dealed with by therapy... take me for exemple. I dont have that high a degree of psychological problems.... but i do have some difficulty with self esteem, being motivated and active in life, ect. Which doesnt mean that i'm an.. emo couch potatoe or something. I've gone a loooon way and improved a lot mostly all by myself. But i feel like the context of a D/s relationship would help me unlock my true potential, which i want to get to, and probably would be able to by myself, altho with great difficulty and lots of time. Not that i think it would be easier with a Master but it would help me stay more focused and become more regular about it, most likely. And yeah, feeling that someone is proud of me is a huge motivator. Is that a crime? Humans are social creatures, why do we keep the belief that we should be able to do everything alone before being "worthy" of a relationship, and then people like me get pointed at and called emotional addicts/dependant/afraid to be alone ect ERM but i'm straying from my topic, which is already getting too long by now... D: So, we see subs wanting this BUT Is that what Dom(me)s want, too? Do people with a Dominant personality have this desire to have this positive influence on someone's life, like us subs have the desire of being controlled ect? I mean, wanting to be a good influence on others and particularly the ones you love is pretty normal, whatever your personality type might be, right? I want to help others too. But is it a strong trait for Dominants? Or is it something you deal with but would rather do without and just get the slave (not saying that in "negative" way, i would guess that if this is the case there would still be other areas that would need training and all, and you might be interrested in that, but not the strenuous stuff that i was talking about) ... Or would most Doms do this for their own advantage (getting a better slave), but not out of a craving to be a guide ect? Or all of the above, mixed in different amount depending on who the Dom is... ...basically i would like answers to that question but in the end, i would mostly like to figure out what being a Dom is about (at least the different point of views from the Doms that will respond to this, i know everyone is different...) .. i mean, is it mostly just getting off on being Dom sexually but then as the relationship grows it extend to those things too.. or is doing those thing a pre existing desire... and why.. people ask so often what being a sub is about, whats the difference between a sub and a slave and blah blah blah... i want to know and understand the other side! Cheers :) and sorry for the novel

dreamerdreaming -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 1:40:16 AM)
I'm oriented toward ownership, and control. My slaveboy is lovely just the way he is. I don't need a project. I just like to control, humiliate and objectify him because its yummy for us.

mastFOX -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 2:05:50 AM)
well it can be a bit of control and some like me are helpful by nature.

Focus50 -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 5:13:06 AM)
A Dom/me or sub trying to work out what drives or motivates the other's needs and mindset is not really so different to the male and female mind wondering what does it for the other. I'd think most simply shrug it off as something that does exist and is mostly mutually complementing and accept it for that.... I will say that, as a Dom, I'm not nearly so noble and selfless as to be motivated through asserting a "positive influence" on another's (submissive) life. I have needs that the average egalitarian vanilla can't possibly meet. I like doing things MY way and I appreciate that the average submissive enables that level of control. Most of us seek out what it is that's missing from our lives and what suits my requirements best is called 'submissive'. And it can't be simple coincidence or dumb luck that my equally unique Dominant qualities generally match what a submissive seeks. My girl knows she's to address me as 'Sir' in private.... It's such a little thing in the great scheme of life but what vanilla would comply with sincerity, never mind keep a straight face? Deferring to another's will (as a submissive does) would likely manifest as self-esteem problems when subjected to vanilla social standards. But in this lifestyle, it's quite a normal consequence of someone who'd rather another ran the relationship and made decisions. So congrats, you're 'normal' as far as I'm concerned.... ;-) Focus.

lally2 -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 5:18:54 AM)
maybe you should read The Loving Dominant - it gets espoused quite a bit, though ive never read it. you get D'types who are just here for the kink and you get D'types who arent so much Dominant as wanting an acquiescent female and you get D'types who really are into the nurturing, caring, directing, controlling, guiding side. why theyre that way wired i cant tell you for sure cos im not a D, just that some are but not all by any means. but i believe it is about ownership and it is about having a submissive or slave needing their guidance and care - its symbiotic i think. the submissive yearns to relinquish themselves into a caring, nurturing environment and the Dominant enjoys providing that safe place for the sub to relax in, trust and let go - from there the BDSM begins to mean something slightly more as trust, care and responsibility work their magic. when that submissive kneels at his feet and accepts his leadership fully something hits their Dominant button and they can fly and be themselves in much the same way as the submissive can be themselves.

UniqueRaven -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 6:31:59 AM)
It is important to remember that there is a difference between a Dominant man and a therapist. Many submissive women seek out the latter, which is a mistake. i often say that a Dominant man is on his own life's journey, just like a submissive woman is on hers. And his Dominance -and his development as a Dominant man - is his journey, he owns it and becomes whatever man he wants to be in that process. Many Dominant men are Dominant because they actually are very sensitive (shh, don't tell anyone) and they feel the emotions from their submissive very strongly - and they want to take her into themselves, in a way....it is called empathic intuition, they want to know everything about her, care about her, nurture her, and even protect her from the world...but most importantly, they want her to be happy. These are yummy things - but not therapy. There are other reasons to be Dominant, of course, the need for power and control is a strong one, as well as other more sadistic tendencies - and there are those who just want the relationship to be "easy" and see this as the way to accomplish it. But regardless of each Dominant's individual needs, there is a compliment in a submissive woman "out there" somewhere, and vice versa. i just always encourage submissive women to remember, you're in a relationship, and you are responsible for one half of that relationship - it's not all about your needs and whatever "therapy" you can get from a Dominant man. Save that for real therapy, or do yoga, or meditate, or something else - whatever works - but own that yourself, don't make it all his responsibility....because there is no way one human being can "fix" another. Therapists go to school for many years and get paid well for a reason - and they still can't "fix" everyone! So don't put that pressure on someone else. Just have fun and enjoy the ride together on your life's journey, while he gets to enjoy his - with you.

Smutmonger -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 7:48:25 AM)
A dominant can be as motivated and inspired by a submissive partner as vica versa. The ones with big egos won't admit it publically.

LanceHughes -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 10:11:42 AM)
ETA: I agree with ALL above. DAMN! CollarMe is a great resource. OP: I've removed the quote feature since I have heavily edited your original post to be: ==================== Do people with a Dominant personality have a desire to have a positive influence on someone's life? Is it a strong trait for Dominants? Or is it [I assume by "it" you mean the slave's/sub's training] something you deal with but would rather do without and just get the slave? [If we take out the parenthetical phrase, your sentence oddly ends here and without a question mark.] Or would most Doms do this for their own advantage (getting a better slave), but not out of a craving to be a guide, etc.? [The abbreviation is etc. for "et cetera" which is Latin for "and so on."] Or all of the above, mixed in different amount depending on whom the Dom is... ...basically i would like answers to that question but in the end, i would mostly like to figure out what being a Dom is about. Cheers :) and sorry for the novel ====================== As my current signature line says: "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong I realize that you're not "wishing you didn't already know the answer," but the quote is apt. In this instance, you have a good understanding of the dynamic. You mention slave vs. sub discussions. The parallel discussion of Master/Mistress vs. Dom/Domme is rarely seen here, because (IMHO) the two are more clear-cut. [How exactly they are more clear-cut, I'm not sure, but they are. LOL!] So, yes, absoutely. You outline three basic approachs, with most dominant personalities (often shortened to D-types with the corresponding s-types) being a mixture of the three. To me, you've described three different points on a linear scale. That scale has "end points." One end is TOTAL Master - my way or the highway - and you'd better be a quick study. When I throw the coffe at you for it being too sweet, you'd best guess right by the third cup you will be wearing or you won't be worring about how sweet I like it since you'll be outta here. The other end is the TOTAL Teacher - Class, today we'll learn how I like my coffee sweetened. This is so that you will be able to bring it to me on command, just right. There will be plenty of time and once you understand it, you get a certificate stating "<Your slave name> is trained to bring Master XYZ'z coffee properly." If you fuck-up, we'll have a re-training session so that I can get MY coffee. For other duties (including sexual) - Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Regards, Lance Hughes

leadership527 -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 10:31:29 AM)
Just as I said in a different thread about submission, trying to understand what motivates "dominant personalities" is hopeless. There is no generic group of "dominant personalities" other than "those who give commands". I'm just me... Jeff... I'm not a "dom" in any generic sense. The reasons and motivations for why doms do as they do are as varied as the people doing it. And, my strong suspicion is that any one of us could probably write a 200 page book on all the myriad reasons that go into it. It is never going to be simplified down to some simple cookbook.

tsuta -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 10:39:29 AM)
I just want to clarify a few things; of course i agree that one shouldn't be looking for a "therapist" in a Dom or any kind of life partner. Well as i say this, i still think that having a partner can be therapeutic in some ways without even having asked for anything, you just grow more mature but it happens naturally... but anyway i disgress again. If i was in a D/s relationship, i wouldnt ever want, and i would do my best to not be a weight on my Dom/Master's shoulders. I agree that i can't just wait for a Dom to come and "fix me"! As i said i've improved a lot "by myself", well, others around me showing me support helps of course, but i don't ask anyone to control me so that i can improve more easily. Anyway, i'm aware that if it doesnt come from me in the first place, it cannot work. What i ask is not, "Do dominants have the desire to "fix" their sub", its do they have the desire to provide the structure one might need to improve more efficiently. I want to improve but i tend to be disorganized and not constant. I think that a D/s context can, in many different ways, help provide a structure in someone's life. Mostly what i would want in a D/s relationship would be to please and obey my Master and improve myself to serve Him better... i think having someone controlling me in whatever ways they might want could also contribute in me improving in some area where i am flawed, without even him having to keep in mind that goal, it would be a indirect result, dunno if you get what i mean. Dominants would want to control to some (varying) extent their sub's life, anyway, right? I guess this whole topic is a lot about me worrying because i wouldnt want to "ask" for something the dominant wouldnt want to have the responsability of, like i said i dont want to be a weight... is it ok to say that there are some ways in which i would like to improve... would a Dom mind that the structure he'd put up by his own free will anyway, is also being "used" somewhat, as a tool to improve some things he didnt ask for.... i dont know, asking it like this makes it sounds silly, i mean, why would someone "mind" that their partner is improving... gah... :P sorry, i confuse even myself..

Smutmonger -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 6:51:44 PM)
I think a lot of dominant men Have a certain way they want to live,think and feel. Then submissive women try to overlay female charachteristics onto them. This seldom works well.

tsuta -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 7:15:40 PM)
Smutmonger: So... wanting to be a good influence on someone is a female characteristic? Just wondering, because i dont really get your comment otherwise.

Smutmonger -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 7:19:57 PM)
Expecting a man to feel emotionally the same as a woman is an unfortunate projection. There are similarites-but the drives are different. For instance-what if the woman wants kids-and the guy would rather not? Who is wrong? And does that make either a bad or good influence?

tsuta -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 9:09:28 PM)
I don't expect men to feel the same way as women, what exactly made you believe that? I dont think it's a bad thing to try to understand each others though. As for being a good influence or not, i meant things like having a positive personality that encourages others to be positive, constructive, active, and i could go on... I'm not saying its up to the dominants to make others be good persons. I'm not saying either its bad to want things out of D/s that dont have to do with helping the sub to improve. As a sub i would want to listen to my Master's needs, wants, desires and serve him. Improving myself would make me a better slave. How is feeling the need for a structure that wouldnt allow me to be flaky in my self-improvment "projecting female emotions" on him? But well i put up this thread wanting to be open-minded because im afraid that a sub needing those things would be a weight on a Dom just wanting the slave... but i just cant understand your comments. What does wanting kids or not have to do with my topic? I mean, i often heard about people living in TPE and these people talk about improving and growing and evolving ect... so yes maybe i kind of got the idea that its one of my reasons to be attracted to the M/s idea... but well, just the submission part of it is awesome to me too and i can feel myself improve anyway just by being myself and giving in to a dominant's control, it helps me being more motivated in life, so if people were to tell me here, and explain why D/s isnt about the improvement of the sub, that wouldnt like make me scream and kick until "i get the responce i want to hear". If its not a Dom's primary desire to improve his sub, at least that way i can know for sure that im doing it for me. If they would be pleased by it after all, thats a nice bonus... nyway But still i dont get your responces and what did i say that motivated them.

Smutmonger -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 9:13:56 PM)
I'm curious as to why you think everything has to be sunny and positive? When people tend to be a mixture of darkness and light? If you want to "own" someone you have to be able to accept all of thier core parts. To do less is disingenuous and false. This is what I mean by "female traits." The social programming that tells women they have to shy away from and reject thier primal natures. Dominant men are less likely to do this.

LadyPact -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 9:23:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Smutmonger A dominant can be as motivated and inspired by a submissive partner as vica versa. The ones with big egos won't admit it publically. Oddly enough, some of us who have been outright called arrogant, often do.

Smutmonger -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 9:26:47 PM)
I was wrong last Tuesday-at 10:35 am. I may be wrong next week too. [:D] quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: Smutmonger A dominant can be as motivated and inspired by a submissive partner as vica versa. The ones with big egos won't admit it publically. Oddly enough, some of us who have been outright called arrogant, often do.

tsuta -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 9:32:22 PM)
thanks, now i understand better your point... so... you think d-type men (or simply men in general?) would be likely to accept the whole, flaws included... i have to admit it's true i have difficulty to believe that, even if i tend to accept people as a whole, myself. But sure, not everything is black and white and some areas of gray are perfectly fine. I dont want to "shy away from my primal nature" ... i dont think...altho im not sure what that implies apart from denying my submissive nature, which i dont want to do at all anyway. What i dont want is to be unproductive and lazy (among other things), which i tend to be... thats different. A lazy person wouldnt make a good slave. Right? Lol i have to sleep now. If i dont want to be unproductive and lazy tomorrow ;)

LadyPact -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 9:33:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Smutmonger I was wrong last Tuesday-at 10:35 am. I may be wrong next week too. [:D] Psssst. Don't tell anyone, but some of us will admit that as well. [:D]

Smutmonger -> RE: wondering about Dominant personalities... (3/29/2010 9:39:03 PM)
Too often I see this idealized "nicely nice fluffy bunny" version of D/s relationships being touted as "da twue".. It makes you wonder if these woman expect to be beaten and fucked for fun-or diapered for the night and put to bed with a bottle. Maybe both,people are freaking strange. I'm big on a little thing called "informed consent." You girls may have this huge fear of rejection-but it's chickenshit and stupid. A LOT Of Doms out there have very little fear of putting the cards on the table face up. You can play yours, or walk away. But it's not "kind" to either of you to wear a mask, only to take it off later and hope you have him hooked enough to put up with it. The rejection later will always be worse than the one you dodged. quote: ORIGINAL: tsuta thanks, now i understand better your point... so... you think d-type men (or simply men in general?) would be likely to accept the whole, flaws included... i have to admit it's true i have difficulty to believe that, even if i tend to accept people as a whole, myself. But sure, not everything is black and white and some areas of gray are perfectly fine. I dont want to "shy away from my primal nature" ... i dont think...altho im not sure what that implies apart from denying my submissive nature, which i dont want to do at all anyway. What i dont want is to be unproductive and lazy (among other things), which i tend to be... thats different. A lazy person wouldnt make a good slave. Right? Lol i have to sleep now. If i dont want to be unproductive and lazy tomorrow ;)

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