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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 12:46:58 PM   
jbcurious


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Joined: 3/13/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

JB:

All the derogatory words don't really do it for me either. When I'm speaking in technical terms, I tend to call her my sub, slave, or wife depending on who I am trying to talk to and what I'm trying to communicate. When I'm speaking to her, she's usually just "mine" although various other terms like "bunny" (or pet name for each other) and "slave girl" come up.

In the end, this is going to be one of those "whatever communicates" between speaker and listener. And you have to remember that just because you or I associate negative connotations to "slut" (or any other word) doesn't mean that everyone else does. One might argue that "slave girl" is pretty derogatory, yet on my lips and Carol's ears it is a term rich in love, affection, and closeness. I cannot imagine myself saying some word to her that actually meant anything derogatory to either of us.


I´m a big believer in to each their own and would never judge any one on what they do...  hot for some, not for others.  Just getting sooooo much of this crap in my mailbox and have a ignore block, or flame block policy....  depending on my mood.  Then I started thinking (always a sign of danger) and so many organizations and groups have a "language"... so I thought maybe there was a standard... but as with everything else in this very intriguing world of BSDM, there is no hard and fast anything.

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 12:53:36 PM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious


Hop over to the 'ask a sub' forum, there's a thread there for that

In answer to your question: some Dom/mes talk like that, some would never dream of it, some (me included, occasionally) only talk like that in the bedroom. Some people (me) do it because (or if) it gets their sub hot and bothered, some people do it because (or if) it gets their sub embarrassed and blushing, some people do it because they are terrible horrible awful people who should not be allowed to touch you through a hazmat suit with a fishing rod mounted on a bargepole.

Use of nasty words doesn't automatically put anybody in the last category, though-you have to take into account context and motivation when you make that call.

Also, you might be surprised at the stuff that you think will bother you which actually doesn't-DickSteel's got a point, although he coulda been a bit nicer about expressing it-maybe take it for a test-drive before you dismiss it?



I had no problem with DickSteel´s post and only hoped he took as well as he gave, which he did.  I do have a sense of humour (some would say warped) and still managed to get his point.  I´m not dismissing anything at this point, I´m aware that in exploring you never know where you might wind up and I do have an open mind.

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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 12:57:21 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

If you are spoken to in that manner how do you respond... is it positive in confirming your status, do you like it???


His voice is like sweet music to this slave's ear...He could be reading the phonebook out loud and it would cause this slave to get the warm fuzzies!!!

if His preference is to say---get _______ for me, slut!~or~fetch __________ for me, will ya' sweetie? it's His call. this slave doesn't require Him to speak a certain way to her or omit any words or phrases from His speech for her sake. it feels odd just imagining it! however, our relationship is such that this slave speaks and writes in whatever manner pleases Him and omits words from her vocabulary solely for His pleasure.

it matters not to this slave, what others think of the terms of endearment He uses, be it "my toilet" or "my princess"...His pleasure is paramount.

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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 1:00:03 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

I´m used to structure... I´m a sub.



rules and structure is all nice and good... but really the content of those rules and structure change everything. Houses have structure.... but they can be rather significantly different from one to the next!...

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to jbcurious)
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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 1:06:06 PM   
risktaker9


Posts: 197
Joined: 3/10/2010
Status: offline 		It really depends on what you want. Then you find someone whose view matches yours on how things are done. In my relationship we don't do humiliation but yes, he calls me names in the bedroom as terms of endearment and I like it. Outside the bedroom he is unfailingly polite to me and courteous. Some people would call his behavior of being so respectful to me not being Dom-like, but I call it just right, like Goldilocks.

Go find your just right....if the dorks wanting to insult you don't float your boat, then don't deal with them. If I were ever to look again I'd have no problems flaming someone who took the liberty of assuming what I wanted in a relationship dynamic (calling me names or ordering me around) without bothering to ask me if it was consensual or not. There really are a lot of clueless people out there and it does get depressing to be confronted with that time after time. Thank goodness for the block feature

(in reply to jbcurious)
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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 1:10:25 PM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		And now you have an example of what to avoid.

As to your OP, I think it depends on the people involved. Some submissives like it and some don't. I don't get into humiliation, so my reaction would probably be similar to yours. Luckily it has never been an issue.


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This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 1:19:12 PM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists


quote:

I´m used to structure... I´m a sub.



rules and structure is all nice and good... but really the content of those rules and structure change everything. Houses have structure.... but they can be rather significantly different from one to the next!...



...and there in lies the original question... is it part of the structure of BDSM or individual content....  I really tried to make this thread general and not about me... it was purely information seeking.  There is a language in BDSM, terms like vanilla etc that are used in a different manner and I just didn´t know if it were part of the language or an individual thing.  Now I do.  Thanks

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 1:19:51 PM   
MadeiraDarling


Posts: 30
Joined: 3/16/2010
Status: offline 		I love being called names in a sexual context, my girlfriend knows this and refers to me as a "Fucking whore" a "Slut" etc and it drives me wild. Other than that she calls me love.

(in reply to aphrodite5)
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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 1:47:44 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

I really tried to make this thread general and not about me... it was purely information seeking.  There is a language in BDSM, terms like vanilla etc that are used in a different manner and I just didn´t know if it were part of the language or an individual thing.  Now I do.  Thanks



This  is the internet-there's always going to be a disconnect between the question you say and the question we hear-don't worry about it

quote:

I had no problem with DickSteel´s post and only hoped he took as well as he gave, which he did.  I do have a sense of humour (some would say warped) and still managed to get his point.


I know-I wasn't implying that you were made of glass, you're obviously well-equipped in the comebacks department.

Doesn't make what he said any way to talk to a lady with a question :-P



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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 1:54:32 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
...and there in lies the original question... is it part of the structure of BDSM or individual content....
*chuckles* So here, let me save you a lot of time then from. The key learning from my own digging into BDSM a few years ago.

There is not structure to to WIITWD.
There are no standard terms
There are no standard practices
There is NOTHING that is going to provide you structure

So, like me, you're going to end up doing a lot of Q&A and then figure out what fits for you... and whatever it is, it probably wont' be anything like anyone else's relationship.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to jbcurious)
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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 1:57:28 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DickSteel
A vanilla would be humiliated to wear an animal collar.
A submissive would be proud to wear their partner's collar.

I didn't realize automatically that all goth folks were kinky.  Who knew?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 1:59:01 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Well, they spend most of their time in shadow......it's so hard to discern these things.......

Ron

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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 3:00:02 PM   
delicatelydirty


Posts: 126
Joined: 2/7/2010
Status: offline 		I have found that since I have returned to the kinky sites around the place the word slut particularly is thrown around a lot, so much so I have put a little disclaimer in my profile because it pisses me off when some random guy starts a conversation with hi slut (although most of the time they are the ones who don't read profiles anyway).

I have no problem with being called slut by one Dom friend  for the simple fact that with him it is actually a humorous exchange based on the type of friendship we have and when I belong to someone again, they can call me what they wish because I agree completely with beth that it is about HIS pleasure but until then calling me names is pretty much a no no.

Just to add, my ex Dom started calling me the same names in anger that he used to use as endearments.... it isn't pretty when that happens, one of the reasons he is an EX.

But like anything name calling is a personal thing... each to their own

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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 5:20:03 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I never cared for the terms slut, whore, skank, ect. Even in the heat of passion when my mate would use those terms I tend to stop for a breath and think "ok, if he wants to call me that, I'll deal" But it never made me hotter, it only made me do a fast reprocess before continuing. Beats me why anyone would think it was hot but if they do that's cool. But to think that because we are submissive that it must automatically turn us on and make us feel like we are special is just plain old lame thinking.
Words don't work for all of us.
Hot sex is not dependant on words.

(in reply to delicatelydirty)
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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 8:39:41 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

...and there in lies the original question... is it part of the structure of BDSM or individual content.... 



It's all individualyl constructd with the content one desires that establishes their desired structure . As individuals of similiar content come together they develop into a social group.. a large enough group that spans enough time and you just might have a culture developing.

I suppose there is two ways of going about it. You can learn the culture and adapt yourself to fit in it... or you can establish your own identity and find likeminded individuals to associate with. I prefer the latter to the former.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to jbcurious)
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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 9:00:43 PM   
beej


Posts: 145
Joined: 1/24/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

I´m a big believer in to each their own and would never judge any one on what they do...  hot for some, not for others.  Just getting sooooo much of this crap in my mailbox and have a ignore block, or flame block policy....  depending on my mood.  Then I started thinking (always a sign of danger) and so many organizations and groups have a "language"... so I thought maybe there was a standard... but as with everything else in this very intriguing world of BSDM, there is no hard and fast anything.


as everyone has been saying, context is everything, and a man who calls you a cunt in a getting you know you email probably isn't really trying to get to know you, imo. more likely, he's just looking for someone who will respond to the label and run with it. if that's not you, pass. there's no protocol dictating that you have to accept that. whatever was subpar for you during introductions before should be subpar for you now.

lol, it's funny how different starter experiences are. when i got started on CMe, i didn't get any cock shots or nasty names. i think the most explicit thing was a guy who wrote a detailed fantasy of our first evening out, which apparently would involve me wearing a see thru dress and being pranced about before his friends with a bit in my mouth like a mare in heat. i just thought that was funny, so far outside of what i register as worth taking seriously as an introduction that i had to laugh. on the other hand, the dude that i ended up with, after we'd talked and he determined that he had an interest, he started closing his emails with "Sir" instead of his name. at the time, i found that laughable and i said, "if you want me to call you 'Sir', you'll have to drag it out of me." and he replied, "if you want me to call you mine, you'll have to earn that." and he did, and i did, and he did, and la-dee-da. :) point being, especially over email, how your Doms respond to your declared wishes (whether its what they call you or what kind of language they use) may be more important than a term that they throw out just to get your attention. speak up for yourself and see what happens then. wherever there is responsive and fluid feedback, take note. :)

(in reply to jbcurious)
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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 10:01:31 PM   
afkarr


Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		Echoing several previous posts, it's all about the context. In the wrong context, it's an insult, demeaning, and something I wouldn't tolerate from any man. Done in a moment of passion, it's awesome. Face it- "show me what a good little cocksucking slut you are" sounds way hotter than "I'd like to evaluate your fellatios skills". For what it's worth, the one Dom who seemed to be most "into" the name calling thing (FWB)- ASKED first. At no kinky times, he tends to call me by my given name.

Edited to add: Dick, FYI- "baby" is not an inherently kinky-use term; it's a term of affection that is extrememly common in perfectly vanilla couples, and happens to be a personal fav of nilla man.

< Message edited by afkarr -- 4/1/2010 10:03:21 PM >

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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 10:20:30 PM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		Everybody is different. There is no single correct dynamic of interaction.

"First know thyself." Plato quoting Socrates. There is only one path -- your own. Then you can find a partner who aligns with your priorities.

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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 10:55:52 PM   
littlegirlangel


Posts: 31
Joined: 9/17/2009
Status: offline 		If Daddy said something to me like, "get me a beer slut" I'd probably tell him to get it himself.  I don't mind sometimes in a sexual way but even then it's touch and go. I much prefer being asked to do something rather than being told.

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RE: The language of BDSM - 4/1/2010 11:03:15 PM   
DickSteel


Posts: 148
Joined: 3/20/2010
From: Man of Mystery & Intrigue
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
.... should not be allowed to touch you through a hazmat suit with a fishing rod mounted on a bargepole.

Also, you might be surprised at the stuff that you think will bother you which actually doesn't-DickSteel's got a point, although he coulda been a bit nicer about expressing it-maybe take it for a test-drive before you dismiss it?

I love the whole hazmat imagery!

About being nicer, the naivety of the OP is glaringly prudish. A vivid verbal comment, whether about about nuns, prudes or even hazmat suits, only serves to get her attention. I believe I shed some light by showing the contrast of her perspective. Actually, I'm not sure I could have been nicer.

She is a little cutie, apparently with big boobs too! If her capacity for passion is half as intense as the look in her eyes, she is wasting her perfectly good inner slut while it collects dust in a closet.

_____________________________

The man of steel is laughing with you, not at you.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
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