'Other Dommes don't like...' (Full Version)

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VaguelyCurious -> 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 3:11:24 PM)

I've been turning this over in my head, and I thought I'd see what you Ladies thought.

A while ago I was playing with a guy in a public dungeon (although it was 'private' in the sense that there was no audience). There was one DM in the room, who I know reasonably well, and nobody else, so I was pretty relaxed.

I had the guy on his knees, and I was sprawled out on my side in front of him-partly because I was in evening dress, with 4" heels (which I would *never* usually wear during play), and partly because I naturally gravitate towards the floor. In normal life I am a 'sit on the floor whenever possible' kind of person.

Afterwards, when he came off duty, the DM approached me and asked if he could offer some 'constructive criticism'. I said ok, and he said that 'some Dommes don't like to see another Domme on her knees for a sub-it's almost an ethical thing'. He was pretty apologetic about intruding, but he was adamant that 'some Dommes don't like it', and suggested instead that I put the sub on something higher than the floor and stand over him.

I don't want to dismiss this as 'one-true-wayism' automatically, because the DM in question is an absolute love, if a bit of an 'old school' submissive.

I also think he thought he was operating more in his capacity as a friend than as a DM.

So my questions are:

1) Respective height levels are something I've never really thought about-I head for the floor because I can spread stuff out but have it within easy reach, and because I'm comfy; is this something I ought to start  thinking about?

2) The way he phrased the comment bugged me; I thought it was almost passive-aggressive-casting the opinion as someone else's rather than his own. Am I being too harsh? Or not harsh enough-should I be more pissed off at the intrusion? (At the moment I'm still more bewildered than anything).

3) At the moment my attitude is 'I had fun, the sub had fun, I'm not so fussed about anyone else's opinion'-but is that a bit know-it-all-y? I guess I'm asking for advice about the quality of the advice he gave me [:)]

Thanks in advance for any advice/opinions/comments [:)]



Madame4a -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 3:17:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious


1) Respective height levels are something I've never really thought about-I head for the floor because I can spread stuff out but have it within easy reach, and because I'm comfy; is this something I ought to start  thinking about?

No.. seems incredibly silly to me... constructive criticism my ass... [:)]

2) The way he phrased the comment bugged me; I thought it was almost passive-aggressive-casting the opinion as someone else's rather than his own. Am I being too harsh? Or not harsh enough-should I be more pissed off at the intrusion? (At the moment I'm still more bewildered than anything).

Not harsh enough.. its none of his fucking business how you play unless you're putting someone in danger.. and even then, its all relative... I would be livid and would have told him to mind his own business but I'm a bitch   [:D]

3) At the moment my attitude is 'I had fun, the sub had fun, I'm not so fussed about anyone else's opinion'-but is that a bit know-it-all-y? I guess I'm asking for advice about the quality of the advice he gave me [:)]

Thanks in advance for any advice/opinions/comments [:)]

I actually find it amusing that someone would say something like that.. I've ended up on the floor on more than one occasion pulling off my boy's boots -- because I forgot to tell her to take them off.. and she does what she's supposed to... or.. if I put her in a chair after playing.. I might just sit on the floor while she recovers... wow.. I'd love for someone to tell me something so silly.. bunch of insecure folks I suppose
 
I have to wonder if the DM is the appointed spokesperson for a bunch of Dommes.. if so, I think they're pretty useless if they can't say something themselves...





SweetDommes -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 3:20:20 PM)

If you were in control of the situation, then it doesn't matter who was where. Not knowing the situation exactly, or hearing the DM's actual words and tone - I don't know if he was being passive-agressive or not, but it does seem like it to me. I would suggest to the DM, and of course, have him extend the advice to "some Dommes", that he expand his mind as to what means "dominant" and what means "submissive".



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 3:21:48 PM)

Nope, sounds like you've got it exactly right.  If I'd been in your position, I probably would have been more offended that the DM thought he had the right to tell you what to do or even suggest you do things differently than what was obviously working for both you and the sub.  As long as you weren't violating any of the venue's rules, then he should keep his mouth shut.  In your shoes, I would have told him so.



VaguelyCurious -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 3:41:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

Nope, sounds like you've got it exactly right.  If I'd been in your position, I probably would have been more offended that the DM thought he had the right to tell you what to do or even suggest you do things differently than what was obviously working for both you and the sub.  As long as you weren't violating any of the venue's rules, then he should keep his mouth shut.  In your shoes, I would have told him so.


I think he was thinking more in his capacity as a friend than as a DM-I'm going to edit the OP to add that in.



lovingpet -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 4:02:52 PM)

It's been my opinion when playing with a submissive the same as what was impressed upon me when I was the subbie.  I don't care what others think of me, my partner, our play, or anything else we do.  If I am not outright breaking the rules or if they are not pointing out vital information that will assist me in securing the safety of my partner, then they need to stay out of my session and not comment afterwards.

I have had people say I look like an old pro handling a submissive.  Others take one look at me and dismiss my ability to control a scene at all.  I am not there to please anyone when I am with a submissive.  I am there to indulge that part of myself and hopefully make it such that the subbie is happy to have played...if not pleased necessarily.  LOL  I will follow protocol if it is in place and I knew about it going in.  I will follow club rules.  I will NOT follow someone else's idea of what a dominant is supposed to be.

I have no need to say anything to someone who spouts off such things.  I just go on my way.  Then again, I am pretty nonconfrontational.  Others may be more apt to tell your friend where to shove those "other Dommes"  opinions.  I would say, at best, this was passive aggressive on his part.  At worst, it is passive aggression from a group of ladies who should be more than capable of speaking for themselves.  I HATE second hand criticism.  If there is something you need to discuss with me, then go to ME and don't go and complain to anyone and everyone behind my back.  Let's face it.  Those people can't do a darn thing to help anyway.  I am the only one is ultimately going to or not going to change my behavior.  If you have any hope of change or resolution, then I'd suggest not sending little messenger boys and coming directly to me.  Of course, my opinion won't change one bit, but at least the message will be loud and clear on both sides.

lovingpet



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 4:08:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

I think he was thinking more in his capacity as a friend than as a DM-I'm going to edit the OP to add that in.



My response only changes in that, based on his tone and apparent desire to be helpful, I might not have taken offense to his input.  Then again, I might.  I can only speculate. 
 
I'd still tell him that as long as none of the venue's rules were violated, and what we were doing was working for both the sub and me, I don't give a flying fig what "other dommes" think or like.  It's none of their business what I do or how I handle a scene and I won't be changing my style to suit anyone but me and my partner(s).



PeonForHer -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 4:16:12 PM)

If there is a 'one-true-way at all', I think it would go something like this:

Pompous sub:  "A domme should never be seen on her knees".

Total hard-core Domme:  "A sub should never presume to advise a Domme in her dominating techniques.  Write this out a thousand times and give me the result before the evening's out."

[;)]





Domin8tingUrDrmz -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 4:17:14 PM)

Friend or not, I'd likely have told him, "Please let the 'other dommes' know that if they have questions about my methods, they are free to speak with me directly. Thank you." Then I would have went about the rest of my evening as if nothing happened. If another domme approached me, I'd listen to her explain why it offended her; my answer to her would depend on her reasoning.



GraciousLady -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 4:19:22 PM)

I fail to see why the DM/friend needed to comment? Everyone was safe. Everyone was happy. The only problem here seems the DM/friend was not happy. I would even consider him to have been passive-aggresive or just plain out of line for being a buzz kill.



Lockit -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 4:30:35 PM)

He assumed you needed to be told what might make other dominant's uncomfortable, by taking a submissive place because he was higher than you were? Yeah okay. If their lil ego's are so fragile that doing things safely and comfortably for you is a problem... maybe they need some mentoring... by YOU.

Just because they have some weird sense of old rule and/or right and proper, doesn't mean you have to live by it. It's almost like that Miss Manner's stuff where a lady is told how to act. F that.

What about proper protocol in telling another dominant how to act with their submissive/play partner? What's that? It's okay to jump between and advise the novice, the domina or the young? I would think he was far more offensive than you could be with other people's fragile ego's.

Height or position doesn't effect my dominance or his submission. So sorry it does theirs!

Now if it is a dungeon rule... okay, but if not, smile and get on your knee's all you want!



sinandhoney -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 4:48:17 PM)

I am always sitting on the floor while spanking and such.  I have the sub laying at my feet when flogging and such so that I can go for longer and gravity does most of the work.  I also start each scene with the sub giving me a massage so I do the rest of the scene in just my panties, no fetish gear ~smile~  I don't worry about what anyone else deems as Domme enough, I just do what works for me and what works for them.



PeonForHer -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 4:50:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sinandhoney

I don't worry about what anyone else deems as Domme enough, I just do what works for me and what works for them.


That is the Law, and the whole of the Law.  [;)]



shallowdeep -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 5:19:31 PM)


  1. I think the objection was ridiculous. I'm sure you're perfectly cute dommely sprawled out on the floor.
  2. The way you describe it, it doesn't sound like there was any other woman in the room who could have complained to him, but that doesn't preclude at least the possibility that he really has received complaints in the past about similar situations, right? In that case, the phrasing may not have been a passive-aggressive thing where he was casting his opinion as that of others. It's possible he felt he was legitimately trying to head off future potential conflict. Just something to consider.
  3. In any event, I like Domin8tingUrDrmz's suggested response.



VaguelyCurious -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 5:40:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shallowdeep

The way you describe it, it doesn't sound like there was any other woman in the room who could have complained to him, but that doesn't preclude at least the possibility that he really has received complaints in the past about similar situations, right? In that case, the phrasing may not have been a passive-aggressive thing where he was casting his opinion as that of others. It's possible he felt he was legitimately trying to head off future potential conflict. Just something to consider.



It's certainly possible that he was acting out of worry about a future potential conflict. A couple of people came in at the tail end of the scene, and the DM himself is a fairly talkative person-I'm vaguely aware that his social group do talk to each other about me, but up until this point I hadn't heard of anything that wasn't either curiosity or positive stuff.

None of them had ever seen me play, and there had been some gentle teasing beforehand about people wanting to 'see what I was made of'. I would be surprised if nobody at all had asked him about the scene.

So I don't know if the idea came from him or from someone else-I doubt there'd be a complaint, per se, but there might have been a comment, or something...



DrkJourney -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 5:48:57 PM)

I'm sorry, friendly remark or not...it was none of his business.  As long as you and your subbie were happy that's all that mattered.

Where I work there is a busy body that claims to be your friend and she says some of the most offending things under cloak of "constructive critism"  Every one tries to avoid her.  Actually, it's just a way for her to get into other's personal affairs, always finding that "six degrees of separartion" that will make it her business.

For example, after countless remarks about her not liking the way I dress (btw she's 61, looks 90, and tries to dress like she's 15, I'm talking showing wrinkled saggy tits and wrinkly mid drift here) I told her that the way I dressed was none of her business, (clean version) she proceeded to tell me that it was her business because she had to look at me, needless to say that pretty much ended things.

I applaud you and your attitude.  I probably, well I know I would not have been so gracious.  I just don't believe a friend would say such a thing, unless asked to critic your performance.  People need to know to stop calling it "friendship" when they want something their way, even though they have nothing to do with it

I just think it was rude.

Sorry for the soapbox, but said above woman was in rare form today so I think I'm in friendly remark overload....LOL



LadyAngelika -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 6:23:44 PM)

I wouldn't have taken offence at his approach if it was clear he was trying to be constructive.

That said, the idea that some other Dommes wouldn't like my style of domination really wouldn't have any impact on me.

Then again, I don't go to public dungeons, partly for reasons like this.

On a side note, I'm imagining you in an evening dress and 4" heels ;-) Hot!

- LA



PeonForHer -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 6:30:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
On a side note, I'm imagining you in an evening dress and 4" heels ;-) Hot!

- LA


Correct. [;)]



GraciousLady -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 6:59:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
On a side note, I'm imagining you in an evening dress and 4" heels ;-) Hot!

- LA


Correct. [;)]


Absolutly



BoiJen -> RE: 'Other Dommes don't like...' (4/1/2010 7:09:06 PM)

I'm not intruding...or not trying to...Ma'am told me to answer this....

As a boi and a bottom, I know for a fact that best way to feel some real sadism is to mess up a bottom's scene. I'm the type to get livid, as a bottom, and put the DM in his place. Friend or not...that was rude.

Secondly, or mainly as it pertains to the Dommes, Ma'am is of the opinion that one of the best ways to get anybody to do what She wants them to do is to use Her feminine wiles to manipulate a situation. It's what She does in a scene...She's a sadist. She happily and purposefully does what the bottom doesn't like and then finds some God aweful way to get the bottom to ask for more of it. One of these ways (as She happens to truly enjoy the vantage point and it does make Her feel powerful) is by having a personal strung up while She's on Her knees or sitting down on the floor doing the geni-torture bit. Being right there happens to put Her face right there. It makes it easier for Her to see what She's doing to the person's tender bits and it makes it easy for Her to do thing like kiss or lick the inner thighs or sore parts just so the bottom starts to beg to be hurt more so they can get more of the fun touch stuff.

It's a very similar comparison She likes to make, one of the fastest ways She can get a man or a boi to submit is to threaten them with a blow job. If someone's idea of Dominance or topping is in disagreement with Her, they can go to hell. It's Her scene, not theirs. And She gets very vocal about that when anyone wants to "correct" Her on it.

Besides, if the DM was a bottom male, as the OP seems to point to, he was attempting to use your scene as a fanatsy basis for himself and you being on the floor fucked up his idea of what would have been "perfect" for him. And for that, he can stick his dick in a light socket.

boi



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