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RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 8:44:35 AM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
So, I'm curious as to why this is and why we don't give the same kind of sound advice to someone new, regardless of what side of the kneel the are on. Thoughts?

It's an excellent question. I think it may be because the two sides of the slash are often viewed as active and passive and to a large degree they really are, I think. For what it's worth, what I read of the misogynist thread was really just (not very) thinly veiled dom bashing on the part of the OP. It wasn't addressing the inexperienced submissive, per sé although your questions regarding it are quite valid. Had it been termed more from the "what is an inexperienced submissive to do?" standpoint some of your suggestions would almost surely have come up.

The bigger reason why you don't see such advice given is that it really isn't asked for all that much, from my experience.

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 41

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 8:48:53 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

As the King of the Community....I assure you that never have I told a fledgling Dom to go to a munch or read a book. As I have never told a sapling sub to follow that methodology either.

Read a book? Like that might happen. Better they become a hypnotist or a vampire.

I tend to mock them. For their beliefs or lack there of, their choice in partners, their eating habits or the tried and true classic why are they so miserable.

Jesus is not laughing with you. He is laughing at you and the fact that you own black leather clothing and actually go to community events.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 4/4/2010 8:49:21 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to afkarr)

Post #: 42

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 8:52:21 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Ms.FreshMeat comes in and asks a question and ever dom with a dick wants to preen and posture and bury her under advice to show how evolved they are.

I'm more evolved than that.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 43

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 8:53:37 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

You're just jealous because I look better in a skirt than you do.

I'm thinking that on Easter, Jesus can laugh at whatever He wants.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 44

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 8:56:46 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

As a recent newby asking for advice information and receiving it... (sometimes more then anticipated) I´ve been pretty happy with the way I´ve been advised. Because I am only looking for the experience within a relationship and not play sessions... the advice of choosing carefully and communicating honestly has been the most helpful.

The rest of my questions have been about protocol or "norms" within BDSM which I´ve realized there are none... it´s about creating what´s right for the people involved and what they need and want.

So on the whole, including the sarcastic replies, the advice I´ve received here has been very helpful. Thanks.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 45

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 9:23:07 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
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/Replies sarcastically to jbcurious/

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 46

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 9:58:06 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

/Replies sarcastically to jbcurious/

Jb sticks out her tongue... and it's not an invitation.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 47

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 10:04:43 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

/Replies sarcastically to jbcurious/

Jb sticks out her tongue... and it's not an invitation.

Maybe it was already discussed and it is an invitation after all? Truly a very puzzling predicament. How are we to know that this is not the beginning of some sort of ruse that you and DarkSteven have created on an unknowing public? An apparent non-invitation is actually an invitation into your world of deceit?

I am on to you and your sick mind fuck ways.

_____________________________

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 48

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 10:20:14 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Maybe it was already discussed and it is an invitation after all? Truly a very puzzling predicament. How are we to know that this is not the beginning of some sort of ruse that you and DarkSteven have created on an unknowing public? An apparent non-invitation is actually an invitation into your world of deceit?

I am on to you and your sick mind fuck ways.

Awwwww you love me... and my sick mind fuck ways...xo

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 49

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 10:50:12 AM

DrkJourney

Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline

Haven't read the other posts yet, but here is my two cents:

For me, I think it's in the presentation, and the fact that I am bombarded on the other side with those "pretending" to want help as a new person. So you take a leap of faith and try to help and the whole while they try to manipulate you into some cyber crap.

The presentation we usually get here and in emails are not asking for advice or instruction, they are wanting to know "who will do this to me?" Now I am all for submissives knowing what they want, I encourage it. If you don't know what you want then how can you look for someone compatible. But to have a list of demands and you want them done exactly this way, at this time, on this day, and they don't say word one about what they have to offer, that is usually what starts the cannons firing.

I tend to look at anyone, no matter what side, with a skeptical eye, until they show me otherwise. I guess I've just been on the net too many years, so a little jaded...lol

But when anyone asks me for help I first try and guide them to materials, the boards, or whatever....if they take me up on it....shows that they were serious and I will help them further. But unfortunately, more often than not they stop communication and move on to the next person, which pretty much answers that question.

I don't pile on when someone asks in an open forum, but I rarely respond either. Sometimes they keep up with their thread and ask honest questions....but those that have an excuse for not taking advice and insists on scenarios...I'm outta there. My pet peeve is responding to a post and have OP contact me on the other side trying to get me to tell them stories. I am not Dr Suess

Just my opinion from my experiences

< Message edited by DrkJourney -- 4/4/2010 11:00:37 AM >

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...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 50

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 10:56:58 AM

DrkJourney

Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I am going with this answer. I haven't noticed that subs are told to fend for themselves. What I DO see is people telling subs to get a reality check and develop the skills we all learned in a nilla life. Skills can be learned. Slowing the f down and recognizing the situations you put yourself in may have danger takes sense.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
Fool gets Fool advice... Mature gets Mature advice... that has been my observation at least.

I agree with you both. Put much better than I did

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 51

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 11:15:45 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

Dark Journey... Regarding the stopping communication...I know I'm reluctant to impose on someone... It may just be a matter of them thinking they've taken up enough of your time.

(in reply to DrkJourney)

Post #: 52

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 11:24:06 AM

DrkJourney

Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

Dark Journey... Regarding the stopping communication...I know I'm reluctant to impose on someone... It may just be a matter of them thinking they've taken up enough of your time.

Actually, the ones I am referring to have no problem "taking up my time" as you put it while they are trying to get me to tell them stories, or wanting examples of what I would do to them if they were here.

They leave when they find that I won't be manipulated into story time. When they see all that they will get from me is a place to look for their answer, or a very generic clincal one from me. They never take the advice given and they always have an excuse as to why they won't, and all the while still wanting stories. They get tired and move on to the next person.

I have people that I have talked to and have been "advising", for lack of a better word, for years...I don't mind, and they know this. I enjoy helping or just listening, when I can.

< Message edited by DrkJourney -- 4/4/2010 11:26:20 AM >

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 53

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/4/2010 10:15:27 PM

shivermetimbers

Posts: 2060
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

So, I'm curious as to why this is and why we don't give the same kind of sound advice to someone new, regardless of what side of the kneel the are on. Thoughts?

First let me say, I am speaking only from my own personal experience, and in general terms. Certainly it doesn't apply to every Dominant I have had contact with over the years.

Being a male submissive, I felt like I first had to battle the stereotype of being nothing more than a wanker on the prowl. After that, the impression I seemed to get was that submissives should "get thee a list of soft and hard limits" and then "use the same common sense you would in the vanilla world, finding a partner you can trust who will respect those limits." That was pretty much the gamit of sound advice I received from many.

Certainly, this wasn't every dominant. I received advice from many over the years during my journey. I just feel that perhaps, maybe there is the thought that all a sub has to do is "take it" and there isn't much else involved. If it gets out of hand, safe word out. Kind of on the job training.

But I will say, that very first time a dominant did give me some good advice and information, it was on me to keep running with it. I have to admit that when I was so new, I was so eager to please and serve, that I was blinded to some good advice sitting right in front of me.

_____________________________

I love you Deanna, you make every day a better day.

If we descended from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ3CJi0Ih9s&feature=player_embedded

http://www.thebuccozone.com/piratesong.htm

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 54

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/5/2010 2:10:06 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shivermetimbers

Being a male submissive, I felt like I first had to battle the stereotype of being nothing more than a wanker on the prowl. After that, the impression I seemed to get was that submissives should "get thee a list of soft and hard limits" and then "use the same common sense you would in the vanilla world, finding a partner you can trust who will respect those limits." That was pretty much the gamit of sound advice I received from many.

If you don't mind me asking (and feel free to tell me to go and take a running jump off the nearest death-trap building if it's too personal a question), what advice would you have liked to receive?

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to shivermetimbers)

Post #: 55

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/5/2010 7:42:00 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

heartfeltsub has started a few threads recently in which I felt that she and other people got a lot of advice, personal experiences, and so forth.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3126493/tm.htm and http://www.collarchat.com/m_3136940/tm.htm

This thread has a lot of information about expectations and boundaries, especially at the beginning of relationships (I'm afraid I got a little defensive at a couple of points, though: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3128317/tm.htm Here's another with a similar theme, but directed more narrowly: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3120057/tm.htm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3122320/tm.htm and http://www.collarchat.com/m_3141837/tm.htm have a lot of good info.

I don't think a book list would have been particularly useful in any of them, they were really focused more on peoples' experiences.

I have decided to start recommending books more frequently, though - they do have some useful information. In the past, I've suggested particular classes (both vanilla and BDSM) and BDSM events/groups to people on both sides of the whip/kneel, though probably most often with male submissives.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 56

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/5/2010 8:17:19 AM

Smutmonger

Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline

My prime reccomendation for ANYONE, is to root out the idiotic sterotypes they harbor-and look at people as individuals-not classes.

_____________________________

I didn't get into an alternative lifestyle to explore new frontiers in conformity.

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 57

RE: So Why Not The Same Recommendations? - 4/6/2010 11:26:36 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

I approach every post the same, with an open mind.
If the subject is idiocy, I will likely respond in kind. If however, the subject under discussion is something that strikes a chord, I answer accordingly.
It doesn't matter whether the other party is a sub, slave, dom, domme, whatever- I judge people by how they present themselves.

As for advice, I rarely offer it. The best that can be said of any forum board is that we get one side of the story, heavily edited at that.
That's not enough for me to get a fair assessment of the situation so I tend to keep my mouth shut, something about fools rushing in where angels fear to tread,
What I do tend to offer is experience.
Instead of saying "Try this", or "do that", or "leave the bastard", I prefer to say "in my house this is how things work" or this is what I have found out (Often the hard way) in the past when in a similar situation.
I dunno, shrugs, works for me.

As for what the rest of ya grape-nuts do and how ya treat newbies, oldies, or anythings, well, that's on you.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Smutmonger)

Post #: 58

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