Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship?

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Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/2/2010 9:27:47 PM

Phoenix73Sir

Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline

This could become convoluted as there isn't really a direct and simple way to ask the question i want to. Let me begin by giving a little background to give context to the question.

Recently I was approached by a sub via Yahoo IM after reading my personal ad on TSR. we talked for some time informally about the lifestyle and she seemed to have the things i was looking for and was happy to answer any enquieries.

I heard more than enough to make a decision and ASKED her if she wanted to engage with me in an online relationship with a view to it becoming a live in 24/7 thing to which i didnt recieve an answer.. The conversation continues and eventually ends as it became late.

My question is:

would a sub or slave respond better to being commanded into it rather than asked? With the reliance on a Dom or master to plan their lives and take care of all the big decisions etc is it preferable for the sub to be told that this is going to happen?

your thoughts and feelings on the matter wil be hugely insightful and i thank you for your time.

Post #: 1

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/2/2010 9:32:13 PM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
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If you spend some time reading the boards here, you'll find that one of the pet peeves of many subs is being commanded to do something by someone who isn't their Master.

I think asking, like you did, is the appropriate thing to do.

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(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 2

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/2/2010 9:45:07 PM

Phoenix73Sir

Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline

I suppose that starting as you mean to go on doesn't really apply in this case then.

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Post #: 3

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/2/2010 10:58:39 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix73Sir

I suppose that starting as you mean to go on doesn't really apply in this case then.

At the beginning you are NOT her Master and you should not act as if you are her Master. Once you two have met and you have placed your collar personally around her neck, then you can do the Master thing. From that point you can go on to enjoy the Master/slave relationship that you imagine. Until then it's a normal boy/girl getting to know each other thing.

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 4

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/2/2010 11:01:48 PM

Phoenix73Sir

Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline

ok now i am really showing my novice colours.. I was always under the impression that collars came along after the relationship was established as a sign of ownership and also of commitment. not at the beginning. of course clarification would be very appriciated.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 5

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 12:02:33 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Hi Phoenix,

the one thing to remember about bdsm is that the only rules that matter are the ones that work for you

IMO, I'd have been a little freaked if an online conversation had turned into 'shall we move in together at some point?'....but that's just me. Everyone is different.

Maybe the sub would prefer to take things slower, get to know you, build a relationship, and then think about the collar in the same way as she would think about an engagement ring.

Meet in person, see if the spark is there, and then take it at a pace that suits BOTH of you.

Good luck

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 6

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 12:10:48 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

It would probably help if your profile pic didn't look like you were either:

a) really pissed off

or

b) taking a shit

Just sayin'.

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(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 7

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 6:02:30 AM

Phoenix73Sir

Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

It would probably help if your profile pic didn't look like you were either:

a) really pissed off

or

b) taking a shit

Just sayin'.

ha ha yeah. it's an awefull piccy but the best of a bad lot.. I'm going to be taking new ones soon and then that problem will be solved.

< Message edited by Phoenix73Sir -- 4/3/2010 6:03:29 AM >

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 8

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 6:20:59 AM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

You would have lost me as soon as you suggested an ONLINE RELATIONSHIP. Many people simply see the online venue as a communication source. To me, any Man suggesting an online relationship will have me thinking he is simply into roleplaying. To me, maybe you should not be so worried about defining you two as being in a relationship and instead utilize online and communication to get to know each other and move towards meeting. And then if that passes between you, then work towards figuring out what your relationship will be.

You could simply say hey, i like you and from what we have discussed it appears we may have a click factor, maybe we should move towards meeting. What do you think? Where do you see this going in the future?

If she contacted you, she probably is feeling out whether you are someone with whom she would want to pursue a relationship.

I actually am the type of women who with a Man who has determined to be my Master work better with being TOLD, rather than asked. If you ask me to be a slave, my answer is hell no. - you here is general.

HOWEVER, the TELLING doesn't happen right away, the TELLING doesn't usually occur until the mastery is already in place. The TELLING usually is a reflection of what has already occured without actual definition.

If you tell at the wrong time, i will simply laugh at you or look at you like you have lost your mind. Eagerness to me in a Man as can be seen by me as desperationand is a sigh of lacking control or self-confidence.

Instead of trying to form an online M/s or D/s RELATIONSHIP, try and use online to move you two toward a meeting and simply let the relationship happen?

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 4/3/2010 6:22:03 AM >

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(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 9

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 6:29:52 AM

Phoenix73Sir

Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline

Pretty much what you have described is how I have played it so far (and the message I sent to her was more or less word for word what you said here)

But. she did message me in the wee small hours and addressed me as Sir, which I had requested she only do if she were interested in moving further along so that is something of a good sign.

I agree with you that IM is a means of communication. I honestly cannot see how a D/s relationship could work via IM (but that doesn't mean that it doesn't I just lack the imagination i think)

If course I have been completely open to her regarding my lack of experience, she didn't seem all that phased by that which to me is also a good sign as my practical experience with subs probably ammounts to 20 hours.

it just serems from the threads both here and on TSR that there is no definite answer (which I suspected) but still, the experience of others is one of the most invaluable tools there is. and I thank everyone for their input.

(in reply to barelynangel)

Post #: 10

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 6:35:09 AM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

Of course you aren't going to find a definite answer. These types of relationships aren't any different from any other type of relationship in life. There are as many ways of approaching them to get the outcome you desire as there are people who are attempting to formulate them and the number of relationships trying to be formulated. Which is why you need to get to knw the person, gauge your wants with hers, feel out the situation and yeah sometimes you may screw up and make the wrong decision, but sometimes you don't and woola, you are happily in a non-complex relationship with a woman you enjoy.

Good Luck.

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 11

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 6:36:16 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

Online doesn't work for me either, and isn't what i'm looking for, so the whole "online relationship" request would be a "no" either way.

However in establishing a budding real life M/s relationship, i find that it is easier for me to have him make the choice for me of saying "this is what we're doing" vs. "would you like to get to know each other better?" It's that whole struggling with making choices as a slave, as well as having that innate hard-wired need to please - it can be a relief to have him take the lead on things.

However i have gotten to know men the other way too - with wonderful results. In some ways maybe even better results - so it's hard for me to really pick one over the other.

There is no "one true way" - there is the way that works for you, and for her, as you're seeing from these responses. Same thing with collaring - some collar immediately to say "you're mine now and we are moving forward together", and others collar later as a sign that they have reached that place of deep commitment. Neither is more "right" than the other - only to the two involved.

i also agree that you seem to not be served well with your pic. It's ok to smile......a sly smile is quite attractive.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 12

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 6:55:01 AM

Phoenix73Sir

Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

However in establishing a budding real life M/s relationship, i find that it is easier for me to have him make the choice for me of saying "this is what we're doing" vs. "would you like to get to know each other better?" It's that whole struggling with making choices as a slave, as well as having that innate hard-wired need to please - it can be a relief to have him take the lead on things.

you expressed what I was trying (and failing) to do here, which was what had lead me to ask the question in the first place. if subs and slaves are hard wired to please and have problems (not the best word I know) making decisions, then asking for a decision would be non-productive, but as the relationship has not started is it also inappropriate to gently command.

My own situation seems to be resolving itself but I can help but think that this would be a question that any new Dom or Master must have contemplated many a time when presented with a Sub that he would dearly like to explore further.

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 13

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 6:58:47 AM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

quote:

if subs and slaves are hard wired to please

This is a HUGE misconception. They aren't hard-wired to please. Not all of them have issues with making decisions.

You have to know your victi -- erm sub or slave, know what they react too, know who and what they are. Do not make the mistake of presuming just because of a title that they are all the same in their needs, wants and what they respond too.

Think individual, think separate and you will find yourself looking at the person and not the title.

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 14

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 7:01:28 AM

Phoenix73Sir

Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline

Yes, my bad.. generalizations are never a good thing. Perhapse I could have phrased that better.

(in reply to barelynangel)

Post #: 15

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 7:08:04 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

The thing about subs/slaves is that we are all different.
I don't think you did anything wrong with your communication. The only thing i might have done differently would be establishing from the beginning what she was looking for, exactly ie. fun on line, relationship on line, dating type r/t relationship or full time relationship. That way the two of you are on the same page right from the get-go. And it wouldn't have to be a very formal asking thing - just a casual "What are you looking for?"

Keep on keeping on, and good luck.

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 16

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 7:11:31 AM

Phoenix73Sir

Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline

yes we did establish what we were both looking for, which happily was the same thing. Maybe it is virgin nerves (first full time sub) still it raised what to me was an interesting question which you guys have provoked lots of thought and a few realizations from me.

(now to try to figure out how to change my profile piccy to the one I just uploaded lol)

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 17

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 7:12:00 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix73Sir

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

However in establishing a budding real life M/s relationship, i find that it is easier for me to have him make the choice for me of saying "this is what we're doing" vs. "would you like to get to know each other better?" It's that whole struggling with making choices as a slave, as well as having that innate hard-wired need to please - it can be a relief to have him take the lead on things.

you expressed what I was trying (and failing) to do here, which was what had lead me to ask the question in the first place. if subs and slaves are hard wired to please and have problems (not the best word I know) making decisions, then asking for a decision would be non-productive, but as the relationship has not started is it also inappropriate to gently command.

My own situation seems to be resolving itself but I can help but think that this would be a question that any new Dom or Master must have contemplated many a time when presented with a Sub that he would dearly like to explore further.

As angel stated, not all slaves are the same. Please see where i said "i find that it is easier for me" - vs. all. i have a hard-wired need to please, but not all slaves do. i don't get off on service for service's sake - others do. Not all slaves are the same.

If there's any part of my post that you're going to "run with" please run with the part where i said there is no "one true way."

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 4/3/2010 7:13:02 AM >

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 18

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 7:21:25 AM

Phoenix73Sir

Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline

My apologies. you said what i was attempting to but faild to say in my openning post. but i accept and agree that everyone and every situation is different.

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 19

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 7:25:55 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix73Sir

Recently I was approached by a sub via Yahoo IM after reading my personal ad on TSR. we talked for some time informally about the lifestyle and she seemed to have the things i was looking for and was happy to answer any enquieries.

I heard more than enough to make a decision

Really? All through an IM?

and ASKED her if she wanted to engage with me in an online relationship

Like others, I don't believe in just online anything

with a view to it becoming a live in 24/7 thing

Kinda fast, moving from IM to 24/7, no?

to which i didnt recieve an answer..

She was probably freaked out.

The conversation continues and eventually ends as it became late.

My question is:

would a sub or slave respond better to being commanded into it rather than asked?

No. No one can command a thing when one is a stranger and online.

With the reliance on a Dom or master to plan their lives and take care of all the big decisions etc is it preferable for the sub to be told that this is going to happen?

No. See above.

your thoughts and feelings on the matter wil be hugely insightful and i thank you for your time.

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 20

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