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LadyNTrainer -> RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? (4/5/2010 10:44:59 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OrpheusAgonistes
Clearly, I don't mean "afraid to close your eyes, constantly designing escape routes and devising crude ways to barricade yourself inside a room, sleeping with a gun under your pillow" levels of fear. But does it tweak you to find that, every now and then, you're a little afraid of your partner?
This has always felt like one of those hot button issues that absolutely divides people into camps. Some people literally can't conceive of the attraction and tend to think "God no. That sounds dangerous and abusive and totally horrifying." Others seem just as sold on the other side "Yeah. That's a no-brainer. If there's not a little bit of primal terror, where's the thrill? Besides, if you're not a little afraid of someone, how can you feel like they're going to be able to protect you?" So I'm always interested to see where people come down on this.
My own answer is probably predictable. Fear is hot. Uncertainty is sexy. Once I like someone and trust them at a very basic level (about core values and whatnot) then the knowledge that they might, at any time, do something within the (fairly broad) limits of our relationship that might make me suffer through something I really don't want to suffer is exhilarating.
I think you've just described what pushes one of my secondary partner's major hot buttons. His fantasies (and some of them are VERY creative) involve being captured and mercilessly used by a woman who is extremely evil, cold, cruel, strong and utterly ruthless, perfectly willing to hurt or even kill him just for a moment of pleasure. Conversely he is also a smart cookie with an excellent sense of self preservation and good people instincts, so he isn't actually interested in playing with dominants who aren't safe, sane and consensual in real life.
He trusts me absolutely, so a lot of our scenes involve things like my putting a knife to his throat and casually describing how I'm going to peel his skin off, hang him upside down and eviscerate him, cut his heart out and eat it for dinner, etc, if he doesn't comply perfectly with my sexual demands. It honestly does scare him at the time, and he describes it as a willing suspension of disbelief that he very much enjoys. I love the way he shivers in real fear, and sometimes all I have to do is give him a really evil look to make him shudder and get so weak in the knees he almost can't stand. On an intellectual he knows I'm not going to actually do anything to him that would mean that I couldn't do it again the next day, but he knows I might do *something*, and that's quite enough.
For a number of reasons I've been described as seriously scary by a lot of people, and it does fit, even though I don't actually engage in BDSM play that goes beyond the boundaries of reasonable safety. Actually most of the people who consider me scary don't even know about the kink. He does genuinely fear me a little, and he very much likes feeling that way. I like that fear. It's damn sexy. Fear, adoration, submissive surrender and sexual turn-on are an incredibly heady mix.
My primary partner is fearless to the point of having very little sense of self-preservation, so I don't get the same responses from him. He is a beautiful picture of grace, strength and dignity in his submission to me. I can break him, and sometimes he needs me to. But for him there is no fear, only willing surrender. I'm grateful to have them both in my life, as they give me completely different things.
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