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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 8:45:13 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		I never fear for safety with my Owner, but I regularly fear "the unknown" of what he's planning to do to me, and it is most delicious. Fear of the unknown makes me a little nervous, a little giddy, a little sweaty . . . and quite wet. I know he is in complete control and would never let me be injured in any way, but I also know that he will put me in mental/emotional/physical places that are quite uncomfortable for as long as he wants. That's scary.

< Message edited by lucylucy -- 4/5/2010 9:08:35 PM >

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 10:20:10 PM   
OrpheusAgonistes


Posts: 253
Joined: 3/29/2010
Status: offline 		Good responses.  Ha ha, that makes me sound like a cheerleader for the thread.  I'd want to be like the quasi riotgrrrl cheerleader from the Smells Like Teen Spirit video, with the anarchy tattoo.  But I'm dating myself.

Anyway, a few people have brought up the distinction between being a little frightened of an individual versus the rush and exhilaration of being a little afraid of certain predicaments the individual might put you in.  This is one of the questions I used to think long and hard about, when I first began to experiment with my masochistic urges.  It's also something I reevaluate from time to time because, let's face it, I'm the thing I love to think about the most.

For me, it's definitely the person I have to be a little afraid of.  I've long outgrown the phase where I'd settle for nothing less than a cross between Countess Bathory and Hunter Thompson (with the occasional Zelda Fitzgeraldesqe tantrum thrown in for good measure).  But I'm still at the point where (and there's a kind of thrill just in admitting this) when I think of a partner and realize "Christ, I really don't know exactly what she's capable of," is arousing.

The idea of "coldness and cruelty" is always on my mind and I'm psyched by a personality type that's cruel enough to do something wicked and just detached enough to be amused when it goes much farther than I would have thought conceivable.


_____________________________

What I cannot create, I do not understand.--Feynman

Every sentence I have written here is the product of some disease.-- Wittgenstein

(in reply to lucylucy)
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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 10:41:12 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OrpheusAgonistes

My own answer is probably predictable.  Fear is hot.  Uncertainty is sexy.  Once I like someone and trust them at a very basic level (about core values and whatnot) then the knowledge that they might, at any time, do something within the (fairly broad) limits of our relationship that might make me suffer through something I really don't want to suffer is exhilarating.



Yes. To me, some element of fear is essential to the dynamic that I need. If I don't feel at least some level of fear, the dynamic doesn't work because I feel i have too much power.


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Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


(in reply to OrpheusAgonistes)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 10:44:59 PM   
LadyNTrainer


Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OrpheusAgonistes

Clearly, I don't mean "afraid to close your eyes, constantly designing escape routes and devising crude ways to barricade yourself inside a room, sleeping with a gun under your pillow" levels of fear.  But does it tweak you to find that, every now and then, you're a little afraid of your partner?

This has always felt like one of those hot button issues that absolutely divides people into camps.  Some people literally can't conceive of the attraction and tend to think "God no.  That sounds dangerous and abusive and totally horrifying."  Others seem just as sold on the other side "Yeah.  That's a no-brainer.  If there's not a little bit of primal terror, where's the thrill?  Besides, if you're not a little afraid of someone, how can you feel like they're going to be able to protect you?"  So I'm always interested to see where people come down on this.

My own answer is probably predictable.  Fear is hot.  Uncertainty is sexy.  Once I like someone and trust them at a very basic level (about core values and whatnot) then the knowledge that they might, at any time, do something within the (fairly broad) limits of our relationship that might make me suffer through something I really don't want to suffer is exhilarating.


I think you've just described what pushes one of my secondary partner's major hot buttons.  His fantasies (and some of them are VERY creative) involve being captured and mercilessly used by a woman who is extremely evil, cold, cruel, strong and utterly ruthless, perfectly willing to hurt or even kill him just for a moment of pleasure.  Conversely he is also a smart cookie with an excellent sense of self preservation and good people instincts, so he isn't actually interested in playing with dominants who aren't safe, sane and consensual in real life.

He trusts me absolutely, so a lot of our scenes involve things like my putting a knife to his throat and casually describing how I'm going to peel his skin off, hang him upside down and eviscerate him, cut his heart out and eat it for dinner, etc, if he doesn't comply perfectly with my sexual demands.   It honestly does scare him at the time, and he describes it as a willing suspension of disbelief that he very much enjoys.  I love the way he shivers in real fear, and sometimes all I have to do is give him a really evil look to make him shudder and get so weak in the knees he almost can't stand.  On an intellectual he knows I'm not going to actually do anything to him that would mean that I couldn't do it again the next day, but he knows I might do *something*, and that's quite enough.

For a number of reasons I've been described as seriously scary by a lot of people, and it does fit, even though I don't actually engage in BDSM play that goes beyond the boundaries of reasonable safety.  Actually most of the people who consider me scary don't even know about the kink.  He does genuinely fear me a little, and he very much likes feeling that way.   I like that fear.  It's damn sexy.  Fear, adoration, submissive surrender and sexual turn-on are an incredibly heady mix. 

My primary partner is fearless to the point of having very little sense of self-preservation, so I don't get the same responses from him.  He is a beautiful picture of grace, strength and dignity in his submission to me.  I can break him, and sometimes he needs me to.  But for him there is no fear, only willing surrender.  I'm grateful to have them both in my life, as they give me completely different things.


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Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to OrpheusAgonistes)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 11:55:19 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I do not have any fear of him or of what he might plan for me.  I've been in a dynamic like that before.  I prefer this one. 

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to OrpheusAgonistes)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 12:53:18 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		the only time ive ever been afraid of someone was when i was in an abusive relationship and i didnt trust him one little bit when he blew up.  maybe its because of that that i just havent ever been afraid of any Dominant  - i know for sure he wont do anything that might kill me and that always in the back of his mind is care, thought and respect.

ive felt trepidation and a little bit of dread sometimes, but never fear. - sorry, boring answer but there you go

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 1:59:43 AM   
OrpheusAgonistes


Posts: 253
Joined: 3/29/2010
Status: offline
quote:


He trusts me absolutely, so a lot of our scenes involve things like my putting a knife to his throat and casually describing how I'm going to peel his skin off, hang him upside down and eviscerate him, cut his heart out and eat it for dinner, etc, if he doesn't comply perfectly with my sexual demands.   It honestly does scare him at the time, and he describes it as a willing suspension of disbelief that he very much enjoys.  I love the way he shivers in real fear, and sometimes all I have to do is give him a really evil look to make him shudder and get so weak in the knees he almost can't stand.  On an intellectual he knows I'm not going to actually do anything to him that would mean that I couldn't do it again the next day, but he knows I might do *something*, and that's quite enough.


That's a very hot dynamic.  It's absolutely possible to psych yourself in a sense of real fear and trembling with the right threats and props, particularly if your partner is completely committed to selling the scene.  Even smart and intuitive people can get (allow themselves to get) overwhelmed and disoriented enough by a predicament that, even though nobody ever lost control, it still feels like a "What did I get myself into?" moment.

That's absolutely the next best thing to actually being in one of those moments.



_____________________________

What I cannot create, I do not understand.--Feynman

Every sentence I have written here is the product of some disease.-- Wittgenstein

(in reply to LadyNTrainer)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 3:09:08 AM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OrpheusAgonistes

Clearly, I don't mean "afraid to close your eyes, constantly designing escape routes and devising crude ways to barricade yourself inside a room, sleeping with a gun under your pillow" levels of fear.  But does it tweak you to find that, every now and then, you're a little afraid of your partner?

This has always felt like one of those hot button issues that absolutely divides people into camps.  Some people literally can't conceive of the attraction and tend to think "God no.  That sounds dangerous and abusive and totally horrifying."  Others seem just as sold on the other side "Yeah.  That's a no-brainer.  If there's not a little bit of primal terror, where's the thrill?  Besides, if you're not a little afraid of someone, how can you feel like they're going to be able to protect you?"  So I'm always interested to see where people come down on this.

My own answer is probably predictable.  Fear is hot.  Uncertainty is sexy.  Once I like someone and trust them at a very basic level (about core values and whatnot) then the knowledge that they might, at any time, do something within the (fairly broad) limits of our relationship that might make me suffer through something I really don't want to suffer is exhilarating.



Sorry but I have to disagree. Once I start fearing my partner even in the slightest way, they there is something wrong in the relationship that needs to be fixed. Whereas, if I have a slight fear of what his sadistic mind will think of that may test my boundaries...then yea that is a turn on.


_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to OrpheusAgonistes)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 4:07:48 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear

quote:

ORIGINAL: OrpheusAgonistes

Clearly, I don't mean "afraid to close your eyes, constantly designing escape routes and devising crude ways to barricade yourself inside a room, sleeping with a gun under your pillow" levels of fear.  But does it tweak you to find that, every now and then, you're a little afraid of your partner?

This has always felt like one of those hot button issues that absolutely divides people into camps.  Some people literally can't conceive of the attraction and tend to think "God no.  That sounds dangerous and abusive and totally horrifying."  Others seem just as sold on the other side "Yeah.  That's a no-brainer.  If there's not a little bit of primal terror, where's the thrill?  Besides, if you're not a little afraid of someone, how can you feel like they're going to be able to protect you?"  So I'm always interested to see where people come down on this.

My own answer is probably predictable.  Fear is hot.  Uncertainty is sexy.  Once I like someone and trust them at a very basic level (about core values and whatnot) then the knowledge that they might, at any time, do something within the (fairly broad) limits of our relationship that might make me suffer through something I really don't want to suffer is exhilarating.



Sorry but I have to disagree. Once I start fearing my partner even in the slightest way, they there is something wrong in the relationship that needs to be fixed. Whereas, if I have a slight fear of what his sadistic mind will think of that may test my boundaries...then yea that is a turn on.



im thinking that maybe this 'fear' thing is a kink of its own maybe.  a need to feel that exposed and scared to the point of actually believing that the person you trust might do something that horrendous.  id agree that uncertainty is lots of fun, but i really havent felt the fear that people describe because my absolute trust in them means it has never even occurred to me.  but then i never have done knife play and since i dont have the 'fear kink' if there is such a thing, im thinking im not likely to either.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Wolf2Bear)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 4:18:57 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Not at all.

But there are two reasons why fear play is a bad thing here.
First and foremost is that it will provoke anxiety attacks. We spend a lot of time trying to stop them from coming on, so why would he now want to cause one?
Secondly is that we're not into s & m, we're into bondage and sex for play. So it wouldn't work from that point of view either.


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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 4:41:05 AM   
Phoenix73Sir


Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline 		Definitly a 2 camp argument.. I am watching this with great interest.  I have yet to discover which side of that fence i am actually on but as far as debates go this one is fascinating.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 5:28:06 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Yes, I find it hot and even necessary to be surprised or shocked every now and then but not more than that. Mostly I get off on being close to my partner and having the symbiotic thing going on where the two of you function like a well oiled machine. That just does it for me. But, I like a surprise here and there to remind me of my place under him because he is the leader and he has that perogative.

(in reply to OrpheusAgonistes)
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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 5:51:45 AM   
VirginPotty


Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline 		Never knowing what to expect from him as he walks thru the door is a thrill that also borders on fear. He can be very creative so all bets are off & I know I better do as expected or suffer the consequences (hence the fear).

On the flip side I never fear for my safety. He is always in control & I trust him w/my life 1000000%. It's just his evil mind that spews forth all these diabolical events that causes me to tremble

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Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 6:01:21 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Someone who has nothing to fear, has nothing to lose.

the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to OrpheusAgonistes)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 6:04:48 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		While I am afraid of battery acid, making lefse and what I might find with my tongue, I just can't be afraid that he would ever harm me, because I know he wouldn't.

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You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 6:28:15 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I've been pondering this since last night... For me there seems to be 2 kinds of fear... One desirable and one not.

Take horror films... I hate them. The Grudge...Freddy Kruger etc. That fear lingers with me for a couple of days, it ties my stomach in knots and leaves me feeling uneasy.

On the other hand... I used to have a fear of heights, climbing on a step ladder could make me tremble, but as soon as I stepped down, I was fine. This kind of fear gives me an adrenilin rush, which I love, but doesn't linger.

I was able to deal with this fear by going parasailing, bungee jumping, cliff walking etc. The adreniline rush is still there but not the fear.

So in the situation of a Dom inspiring fear... if it was an ongoing, ties my stomach in knots kind of thing, then no... I wouldn't want any part of that.

If it's a certain look in his eye or a wicked grin that makes me think... Ohhhhhh shit, what does he have in store for me... that's an adreniline rush and I can handle that.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'


I have an explosive personality...


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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 6:28:41 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		whats lefse? - and im with you on what you said

i dont understand how you can feel fear when you trust someone.  maybe someone might explain that.

i mean ive felt knotted in my tummy, my hands have gone clammy once or twice and ive felt some moments of definite anxiety, but i dont ever remember feeling genuine fear.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 4/6/2010 6:30:05 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 6:32:03 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

.If it's a certain look in his eye or a wicked grin that makes me think... Ohhhhhh shit, what does he have in store for me... that's an adreniline rush and I can handle that.


hun, thats just hawt, sick, lusty, pervy fun  - its those moments when you get to feel deliciously vulnerable, accessible and ever so slightly nervous and it gets me wet every time!!!!

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 6:45:44 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		Agreed... I have the same response. The kind of person I am though is fun... I love laughter and a bit of mischief. The last thing I want in a D/s dynamic is a feeling if doom and gloom, of walking on eggshells... my submission comes from respect, not fear and not because I'm a submissive person... 'cause I'm not.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'


I have an explosive personality...


(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/6/2010 9:52:54 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		I love power in a Man, power that just comes from him simply from his core of who he is. I want to be close to it but i also am usually somewhat intimidated by him because of it. I love and need a little fear of him, not because i am afraid of him but because i fear the power he has over me and what it does to me. The out of control feeling these types of Men are capable of drawing from me, the helplessness and vulnerability they also can compel. Its sort of i seek protection concept from the one i need protecting from lol.

Anyway, i think fear is the right word for some of it because many times my fear of Men like tis is sorta fear of what i am capable of in terms of my reactions to men who have that power essence. Most men to me don't have that essence. So when i encounter it, yes, i fear that sort of Man in the most delicious way.

angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 40
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