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safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i dont... - 4/14/2010 12:40:08 PM   
slo18


Posts: 125
Status: offline 		alright i am in a bit of a complicated situation. i am a sexual submissive, and its virtually imposable to make me orgasm. there has been one man who has been able to make me orgasim and this has been a fairly recent development. he did this by worrking a little longer after i safe word. keep in mind i usualy safe word because i panic not because of pain. there are issues where when i get near to orgasim i panic as in panic attack breathing issues the whole nine yards. anyways when he first started doing this, i didnt even relise what he was doing. but now he is going longer so long that last time a small struggle ensued. most of you know the type where the girl basically crab walks backward and somehow ends up at the headboard with out knowing how she got there lol. i almost kicked this man in the face in my rush to get away. anyway once he got the message that red means red, he was very good about taking care of me and calming me down. but then he goes and says next time he plays with me he is going to tie me down so that i cant get away. i know that i should not see him again. i know that is the right thing to do . the problem is that i do wantt to see him again, primarily because he is the only person who has managed to make me cum, that includes myself. so yes i am very very confused and emotionaly torn . i dont even know if i am looking for an answer or just input


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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/14/2010 2:11:35 PM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		This man is not doing you anything bad or wrong. You actually like what he's doing. Just keep in your mind that the panic breathing will not hurt you. Even if you faint you will not be hurt. Once you faint you will start breathing correctly and come around. At some point YOU are going to have to take the power these panic attacks have over you away from the attacks. I see this as a perfect time. Just let the panic wash over you and concentrate on the pleasure. Sooner or later the pleasure will over rule the panic. I know that seems unlikely but I think you will be very surprised at how soon this will happen. This man obviously cares about you and wants to work through this with you. Perhaps the two of you can sit and talk about this in a situation that has nothing to do with sex. Then let him be the boss and take care of the situation. Thats win/win as far as I can see.

(in reply to slo18)
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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/14/2010 2:15:17 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i would tell him this, tell him youre difficulty in orgasming and that he was the only guy that managed this, that you want to work on how he did this for you and that you get panic attacks that being tied up and restrained from moving may very well bring on.  he needs to help you with this not scare the crap out of you.  its good that he's got you there it and now would be a good time to capitilise on this.

you safe worded and he carried on - broken trust issue there - if you think youre gonna cum again, when youre tied down, scared he wont respond to RED then i think youre wrong.  personally i cant think of anything more scary than having a panic attack where you feel youre suffocating, you cant move and the guy carries on anyway.  maybe its just me and my wiring but i dont honestly see how someone who has a problem cumming will respond well to this.

if he doesnt appreciate and understand youre dichotomy then bin him.

the thing is youve proved to youreself that you can get there now - dont assume he's the only guy on the planet who can again.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 4/14/2010 2:20:46 PM >

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So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/14/2010 2:17:27 PM   
SexySea


Posts: 36
Joined: 8/2/2007
Status: offline 		Get the hell away from this guy.  A safe word is a safe word and SHOULD NEVER be ignored by a Dom/Domme.  No self-respecting, real Dom would ever continue after a safe word has been said.  Leave him now and don't look back.  By ignoring a safe word he sexually assaulted you.  Do you understand how big that is?

Now, about orgasms.  You say when you get close the you have a panic attack.  This is something that you need to see your doctor (or a psychologist) about immediately.  Panic attacks can be treated with medication and theraphy but I'm more interested in why you have panic attacks during sex.  This is something that's common amongst people who have been sexually abused earlier in life.  You need to stop putting yourself into sexually charged situations until you resolve the issue of your panic attacks.  Close down your account here (or only chat with other subs) and don't make anymore "dates" with Doms until you and your doctor figure out what's going on.  Because you have put yourself in the situation that you were with a Dom who disrespected your safe word it appears that you don't have good enough judgement right now to be anyone's sub.  You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Take care and be safe......
SexySea

(in reply to slo18)
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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/14/2010 2:22:22 PM   
SexySea


Posts: 36
Joined: 8/2/2007
Status: offline 		I can't believe your response to this kid.......  When a Dom ignores a safe word and puts his sub in the position of having a panic attack (a serious medical conditon by the way) that's sexual assault.  When someone does something to you in bed after you have said your agreed upon safe word that's (I repeat) sexual assault.  If I were her, I'd go to my doctor about these panic attacks and I run from this Dom and never see him again.  I might even go as far as to bring charges against him so he didn't do it to anyone else but then again I'm not some inexperienced, shy kid.  I hope to god that she doesn;t take your self-centred (we are Doms/Dommes and we can do nothing wrong) "advice".

(in reply to GraciousLady)
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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/14/2010 2:27:30 PM   
GoddessImaginos


Posts: 1493
Joined: 8/5/2009
From: A small blue planet near Alpha Centauri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SexySea

Get the hell away from this guy.  A safe word is a safe word and SHOULD NEVER be ignored by a Dom/Domme.  No self-respecting, real Dom would ever continue after a safe word has been said.  Leave him now and don't look back.  By ignoring a safe word he sexually assaulted you.  Do you understand how big that is?

Now, about orgasms.  You say when you get close the you have a panic attack.  This is something that you need to see your doctor (or a psychologist) about immediately.  Panic attacks can be treated with medication and theraphy but I'm more interested in why you have panic attacks during sex.  This is something that's common amongst people who have been sexually abused earlier in life.  You need to stop putting yourself into sexually charged situations until you resolve the issue of your panic attacks.  Close down your account here (or only chat with other subs) and don't make anymore "dates" with Doms until you and your doctor figure out what's going on.  Because you have put yourself in the situation that you were with a Dom who disrespected your safe word it appears that you don't have good enough judgement right now to be anyone's sub.  You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Take care and be safe......
SexySea


{{{*AMEN*}}}

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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i do... - 4/14/2010 2:55:11 PM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		wow. well first, a safe word is code for "stop". if you have panic attacks before orgasm,you may need to get yourself checked out by a sexual health therapist; it doesnt sound too healthy. anyway, i wouldnt deal with somwebody who igonres your safe word. i never ignore my submissive's safe word, because like somebody already said- its sexual assault at that point. my suggestion to you is try to orgasm during NORMAL VANILLA SEX, or as i call it, "lazy sex" lol. from there, i think you can explore how comfortable you are actually having an orgasm without anything else going on. climax should be an enjoyable experience, so i wish you luck!

(in reply to slo18)
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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/14/2010 3:05:16 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SexySea

Get the hell away from this guy.  A safe word is a safe word and SHOULD NEVER be ignored by a Dom/Domme.  No self-respecting, real Dom would ever continue after a safe word has been said.  Leave him now and don't look back.  By ignoring a safe word he sexually assaulted you.  Do you understand how big that is?

Now, about orgasms.  You say when you get close the you have a panic attack.  This is something that you need to see your doctor (or a psychologist) about immediately.  Panic attacks can be treated with medication and theraphy but I'm more interested in why you have panic attacks during sex.  This is something that's common amongst people who have been sexually abused earlier in life.  You need to stop putting yourself into sexually charged situations until you resolve the issue of your panic attacks.  Close down your account here (or only chat with other subs) and don't make anymore "dates" with Doms until you and your doctor figure out what's going on.  Because you have put yourself in the situation that you were with a Dom who disrespected your safe word it appears that you don't have good enough judgement right now to be anyone's sub.  You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Take care and be safe......
SexySea


Ha. He ignores my safeword all of the time and I'm still alive.
Oh wait....I don't have a safeword. And I'm still alive. Imagine that.
She was obviously giving him the go ahead to make her come when she had a panic attack so I don't see how this could be construed as a sexual assault.
And it seems that he may have just done the right thing for her by paying no mind to her pleas to stop.
Dear lord...it's not like he continued to cut off her arm. He made her cum.

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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i do... - 4/14/2010 3:05:52 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		the big red flag here is him wanting to tie you up, knowing you have panic attacks and having already proved that he ignores safe words.

even allowing for the fact that he might know it was panic rather than pain that made you safeword it seems to me that he is putting youre orgasm and his success before youre safety.  thats actually pretty selfish, stupid and irresponsible.

you panic before orgasm - how much more will you panic tied up.  think about it, seriously -

also think about what it was that brought you to orgasm.

the way it reads he is ignoring youre panic attacks and does not see them as potentially dangerous.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 4/14/2010 3:07:58 PM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i do... - 4/14/2010 3:07:50 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I found it hot that he said he was gonna tie her up.
Maybe the thought of someone actually dominating her and her having no control is what made her orgasm.
Once again...no real harm done.

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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i do... - 4/14/2010 3:11:54 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		you might be right - but have you ever seen someone having a panic attack.  they cannot breath, its like theyre suffocating (actually i wonder if she might have some sort of asthma.. anyway)  - now add being tied up while youre fighting to breathe, unless shes into breath play i dont see how that is going to be hot for her at all.

... sexysea she's not a kid, she's 29 and married to a 'nilla.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 4/14/2010 3:27:41 PM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Aileen1968)
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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/14/2010 4:19:44 PM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SexySea

I can't believe your response to this kid.......  When a Dom ignores a safe word and puts his sub in the position of having a panic attack (a serious medical conditon by the way) that's sexual assault.  When someone does something to you in bed after you have said your agreed upon safe word that's (I repeat) sexual assault.  If I were her, I'd go to my doctor about these panic attacks and I run from this Dom and never see him again.  I might even go as far as to bring charges against him so he didn't do it to anyone else but then again I'm not some inexperienced, shy kid.  I hope to god that she doesn;t take your self-centred (we are Doms/Dommes and we can do nothing wrong) "advice".


First of all, you do not know me so please do not make statements about me personally. If you did you would know how much of a fool you have just made of yourself. But, let me say you have every right to behave folishly. I will just ignore your emotional outbursts from now on and stick to topic.

Second, I have a history of panic attacks so I DO know what I'm talking about. She was in no danger when she had this panic attack. Now, had she been driving that would be a different story.

Third, the OP is not in the really scared of the man she is involved with. She is scared of her panic attacks and she is actually happy with the outcome and for all we know he was acting in her best interests when he saw how well she was doing. Although I agree ignoring a safe word is bad business this could all very well be a case of miscommunication, misunderstanding and 2 people who just need to sit down and talk. I do not get the impression she is a dumb kid. I get the impression she wants to do something about her panic attacks so she can KEEP having sex WITH orgasams WITH this man.

Everyone calm down. No harm has been done here and if you reread her post it says once he saw how upset she was he calmed her down and took care of her. That sounds like miscommunication, not sexual assault.

(in reply to SexySea)
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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/14/2010 4:21:16 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Hi slo18,

I think you should slow down. Allowing someone to ignore your safeword (and that's what you're doing if you go back to this Dom) is dangerous, even if it IS exciting. You're setting yourself up to lose your self-worth. I think self-worth and self-respect is even more valuable than an arm. And way more valuable than the momentary thrill of an orgasm. A Dom calming you down after he's given you a panic attack is about as sincere as an abuser saying sorry after he's hurt you. In my opinion, aftercare following a violation of trust isn't aftercare. Ignoring a safeword is in no way a "miscommunication". It's ignoring a safeword.

Given the fact that you have never cummed on your own, that's where you should start. Work on your own sexuality, find your own hot buttons, enjoy your responses even if they aren't mega-orgasmic, experiment with toys/erotica/imaginative fantasies and get there alone. Maybe then it won't take a violation of self to have an orgasm.

January

< Message edited by January -- 4/14/2010 4:27:55 PM >

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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i do... - 4/14/2010 4:25:53 PM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I found it hot that he said he was gonna tie her up.
Maybe the thought of someone actually dominating her and her having no control is what made her orgasm.
Once again...no real harm done.


Aileen, I also get the impression this guy is giving her what she needs. She says she is sexualy submissive, he treated her as such and bingo! And, although I believe they need to establish a few rules first I do see his tieing her up as a good thing at some point. If she is truely submissive sexually being that out of control will be the thing she most wants.

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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i do... - 4/14/2010 4:44:39 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i agree that people neednt leap to conclusions over what did or didnt happen, but you have to wonder why or what it is she's asking here.  she admits herself she isnt sure herself.

the fact that she has makes me wonder if shes feeling unsafe or shakey about the next step.  if she is why is she.

seems to me she's balancing out her desire for orgasm against having the shits scared out of her.  im not so sure thats a balanced and reasonable trade to be honest.

the fear junkies would disagree of course, but im not getting that she's into feeling fear.  she wants another O and is trying to decide if being tied up and unable to breathe is a reasonable way to go.  i would argue that being tied up whilst not being able to breathe will kill any O stone dead and therefore nullify any hope she has of repeating the positive outcome she had with the level of play they were enjoying last time.

so i think ill stick with my previous advice and say:  work on the O, stay free to move if you need and tell the guy you need to work on youre O, the panic before the O before entering into bondage that might restrict her breathing more or at least prevent her from moving and freeing up the tension that might provoke an attack.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to GraciousLady)
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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/14/2010 4:48:18 PM   
BreathandStone


Posts: 37
Joined: 12/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968
Dear lord...it's not like he continued to cut off her arm. He made her cum.


So it's the old "she had a physiological pleasure response, so it can't be rape" argument? I always liked that one.

I do believe that people can play/have sex/whatever without safewords in an ethical manner. But both parties have to agree to it first. If you specifically negotiate a scene with a person that involves an easy way to withdraw consent, and that person continues on without your consent? That's a problem. First, because it's sexual assault, pure and simple. Even if nobody loses a limb. Even if she isn't horribly damaged emotionally. Consent is fucking important in what we do, because it's the only thing that separates this from spousal abuse, serial rape, and common assault.

Second: I'm assuming that you and your man (not sure what you call him) have some sort of special bond. You're okay with him doing things to you that you might not accept from someone that you'd been on a few dates with. Why cheapen the trust you have in him by assuming that every submissive should give every dom she meets that same level of authority over her.

Third: ignoring a preexisting safeword says that he likes to step over boundaries. To me, someone who won't respect your limits is extremely dangerous, even if he doesn't have dismemberment fantasies.

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RE: safe word ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i... - 4/14/2010 5:16:48 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		The point is, if you can't trust the person, you can't trust the safe word. If you can trust the person, you don't need a safe word.

Therefore safe words are largely meaningless. Dg had a post a while back about safe words, of course it was caustic and unfaltering and had more than a grain of Truth

People start thinking safe words are like seat belts, they aren't. Safe words are like yelling "seatbelt" just before you crash

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(in reply to BreathandStone)
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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/14/2010 5:37:15 PM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BreathandStone


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968
Dear lord...it's not like he continued to cut off her arm. He made her cum.


So it's the old "she had a physiological pleasure response, so it can't be rape" argument? I always liked that one.

I do believe that people can play/have sex/whatever without safewords in an ethical manner. But both parties have to agree to it first. If you specifically negotiate a scene with a person that involves an easy way to withdraw consent, and that person continues on without your consent? That's a problem. First, because it's sexual assault, pure and simple. Even if nobody loses a limb. Even if she isn't horribly damaged emotionally. Consent is fucking important in what we do, because it's the only thing that separates this from spousal abuse, serial rape, and common assault.

Second: I'm assuming that you and your man (not sure what you call him) have some sort of special bond. You're okay with him doing things to you that you might not accept from someone that you'd been on a few dates with. Why cheapen the trust you have in him by assuming that every submissive should give every dom she meets that same level of authority over her.

Third: ignoring a preexisting safeword says that he likes to step over boundaries. To me, someone who won't respect your limits is extremely dangerous, even if he doesn't have dismemberment fantasies.


I'm not sure he did ignore her safeword. She herself says once he knew she was in distress he stopped and cared for her. I think they both were caught up in the moment and both missed some important facts. He certainly missed her safeword and that is wrong but did he actually sexualy assault her? She assumed he would see her crabing away as a bad thing. I have thrown myself, and my partner, all over the bed while orgasming. Including kicking and crabbing all over the place. Movement durning sex, especially while orgasming, is not a cause for concern. Also consider she is not submissive except for sex. She is very capable of sitting down and talking to this man and determining whats going on. She is also expierenced in this lifestyle. As someone who has had panic attacks all I see in her post is her fear of another panic attack.

(in reply to BreathandStone)
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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/14/2010 5:38:52 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Can I get the DVD of that?

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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/14/2010 5:53:07 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		OP said:

quote:

anyway once he got the message that red means red


How is there any ambiguity here? She tried to safe out and he ignored it. Her distress signal was not crabbing. Not panicking. Not movement during sex. Her distress signal was RED.

I sure hope the OP comes back to clarify some things.

I'm one of those people who thinks you can't fix serious psychological problems with BDSM.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to GraciousLady)
Profile   Post #: 20
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