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Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 2:36:10 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
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If someone is relatively new to BDSM and their long term goal is to be in a long term commited relationship, involving this lifestyle... Are they better off..,

Waiting for someone they have a strong possibility of falling in before going any further... Or

Finding someone they're reasonably attracted to and compatible with in order to gain some experience and knowledge

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

Post #: 1

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 2:50:52 PM

ncbabe

Posts: 1060
Joined: 4/19/2009
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Personally I went for the second option and was glad to have at least some knowledge/experience before I met my owner. The only thing I would tell a newbie is not to lose their common sense when trying to get experience and not to confuse passion with love.

(edited for grammar)

< Message edited by ncbabe -- 4/15/2010 2:52:31 PM >

_____________________________

As we think, so we become.

Nichts ist unmöglich

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 2

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 2:55:37 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

I took the second route, too, and have no regrets.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to ncbabe)

Post #: 3

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 3:03:49 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Me personally, I waited until I found someone I wanted a long term relationship with. I've never had any interest in casual play since it just doesn't work for me. I need to be in a relationship for play to be able to turn me on. Otherwise it's just 'ho hum' and it aggravates me.

I had experience before I met Master only because I was in a long term live in relationship with my ex Dom for many years before that relationship ended and I stayed single for many years until we got together.

I don't regret my decisions though because for me they were morally sound for me.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 4/15/2010 3:05:32 PM >

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 4

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 3:05:35 PM

GoddessImaginos

Posts: 1493
Joined: 8/5/2009
From: A small blue planet near Alpha Centauri
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Me personally, I waited until I found someone I wanted a long term relationship with. I've never had any interest in casual play since it just doesn't work for me. I need to be in a relationship for play to be able to turn me on. Otherwise it's just 'ho hum' and it aggravates me.

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(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 5

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 3:07:02 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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My question has always been, how the hell does someone know this is what or who they are and not just some hot fantasy they have been dreaming of, until they experience it?
As long as I have been running groups I have seen a large part of newbies exit soon after they discover it's not like the bodice ripper books or chat rooms they have hung around in with a ds theme.

Vote me into the second group. I never liked that idea of waiting around for prince charming to climb some random tower in hopes he might find someone like me there.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 6

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 3:29:44 PM

whiteslavebitch

Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

I chose option B, and it worked well for me. MasterK was originally a play partner, but things progressed differently than I had planned. I wasn't even looking for a long term relationship at the time.

_____________________________

MasterK's whiteslavebitch

formally collared 1/30/09

"I give to you my everything, you've given me these loving wings." - DMB

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 7

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 3:30:24 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

My question has always been, how the hell does someone know this is what or who they are and not just some hot fantasy they have been dreaming of, until they experience it?
As long as I have been running groups I have seen a large part of newbies exit soon after they discover it's not like the bodice ripper books or chat rooms they have hung around in with a ds theme.

Vote me into the second group. I never liked that idea of waiting around for prince charming to climb some random tower in hopes he might find someone like me there.

In another post "preferences" there was a decided majority of people who felt that the person was more important then the play...

Do you think that a person can have an experience that's as positive without the "connection"? Possibly the lack of connection being part of the reason it didn't work out for some of the newbies?

I'm not arguing your point... more devils advocate...

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 8

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 3:36:03 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

I believe you need to enter any relationship with reasonable expectations. That means, not putting your goal into action before you have taken the journey (if that makes sense).
I was blessed. I met Master and it's evolved from there, but that was never the initial intention, even if that was our ultimate goals seperately. It's very naive to put focus only on the outcome and ones own loss to not enjoy the experience you go through in the meantime. As long as everyone makes their preferences known and do not expect the others to change significantly in the future to match theirs, if they don't already - it's all cool.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 9

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 3:43:29 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

You are misunderstanding. The PERSON is more important than the play. However.. how do people meet someone? Do they spend hours online hoping to put out feelers so someone comes by to discover them? Or, do they go out and attempt to meet people, who know people, ect ect? Look at the boards. There are people all the time devasted because some dom in whom they invested time and emotions decides to go nilla, or look for local, or has found someone else.

The PERSON is more important once you have found them. In the nilla world people go out and meet, hang out and socialize and eventually match up. Playing or going to events is socializing. Sometimes you find that things start out casually (just like nilla dating!), but you find yourself spending more and more time with that person until before you know it play becomes private, intimate, personal.. and what do you know, that person IS more than the play. At that point, should you stop playing for one reason or the next it is not terrible because that person means more than playing.

And no... most of those who drifted off did so not because of casual play. They did so because MrWonderful or MsBlowmeanyday was not hanging from a vine waiting to fall in their laps. Beats me how people get the idea that because we are kinky, anyone will do. And that also means when playing casually. I don't play unless I am feeling it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

My question has always been, how the hell does someone know this is what or who they are and not just some hot fantasy they have been dreaming of, until they experience it?
As long as I have been running groups I have seen a large part of newbies exit soon after they discover it's not like the bodice ripper books or chat rooms they have hung around in with a ds theme.

Vote me into the second group. I never liked that idea of waiting around for prince charming to climb some random tower in hopes he might find someone like me there.

In another post "preferences" there was a decided majority of people who felt that the person was more important then the play...

Do you think that a person can have an experience that's as positive without the "connection"? Possibly the lack of connection being part of the reason it didn't work out for some of the newbies?

I'm not arguing your point... more devils advocate...

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 4/15/2010 3:48:23 PM >

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 10

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 3:45:16 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

This is a perfect answer! So many put the empathsis on the goal and forget the journey can be beautiful.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RCdc

I believe you need to enter any relationship with reasonable expectations. That means, not putting your goal into action before you have taken the journey (if that makes sense).

the.dark.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 11

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 3:59:47 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

You should definitely go the second route. Reality is so much different from fantasy and if you haven't played then you don't know what you want.

Too many idiots think they can tell the real frogs from the enchanted ones without ever kissing one. People with a ton of experience still get fooled, there is no way a newbie has any idea what they want, let alone what people really are about.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 12

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 4:03:19 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ncbabe

Personally I went for the second option and was glad to have at least some knowledge/experience before I met my owner. The only thing I would tell a newbie is not to lose their common sense when trying to get experience and not to confuse passion with love.

(edited for grammar)

While in a play session...are you capable of submission...or is it bottoming?

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to ncbabe)

Post #: 13

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 4:16:12 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

You should definitely go the second route. Reality is so much different from fantasy and if you haven't played then you don't know what you want.

Too many idiots think they can tell the real frogs from the enchanted ones without ever kissing one. People with a ton of experience still get fooled, there is no way a newbie has any idea what they want, let alone what people really are about.

This isn't about me making a choice... More about getting others opinions and thoughts... I have played...but have never gone beyond bottoming while doing so...yet have been sumissive in a vanilla relationship.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 14

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 4:17:43 PM

AlexandraLynch

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline

I personally advocate a mix of the two options. Without experience, you may not know all that you want and like. Plus, the local community may help you network and find that special someone. But I don't advocate just handing something as precious as your full submission to just anyone, or permitting oneself the deep love and possession that is felt by a dominant on the basis of a few minute's play. Get to know people, and learn how you react. You may be someone who can't casually play. You may be able to play at parties until the sun comes up. You won't know until you try.

_____________________________

I use fastreply. Don't take offence where none is meant.

Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 15

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 4:17:58 PM

Visage

Posts: 4
Joined: 4/4/2010
Status: offline

I also went for B. I didn't find out how compatible I was with the primary person I'm seeing right now until after a few months of getting to know her

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 16

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 4:21:34 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

youre never really going to know how it works for you until you get out there and start meeting people.

its not so much a process of elimination as a process of growing through each experience, each relationship, working out the bits that were strong the bits that were weak.. from there you have a spring board of knowledge that can lead you forward in the direction that leads.

i now know exactly what i want and how i want it to flow, but its taken me a bit of time to get here.

so plan B.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 4/15/2010 4:22:38 PM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 17

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 4:25:21 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RCdc

I believe you need to enter any relationship with reasonable expectations. That means, not putting your goal into action before you have taken the journey (if that makes sense).
I was blessed. I met Master and it's evolved from there, but that was never the initial intention, even if that was our ultimate goals seperately. It's very naive to put focus only on the outcome and ones own loss to not enjoy the experience you go through in the meantime. As long as everyone makes their preferences known and do not expect the others to change significantly in the future to match theirs, if they don't already - it's all cool.

the.dark.

I don't think there's ever a guarantee in any relationship...but do you think it's important that people are at least on the same page as far as what they're looking for?

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 18

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 4:52:35 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Even with the second option, the person can be more important than the play. I wasn't and still wouldn't play with just anybody. As it happened, I saw a personal ad he had written on a site that doesn't exist anymore. He sounded so nice that I decided to write back, and we entered into the whole thing with the understanding that we would get to know each other as people first, and would see if we felt compatible enough to play. We did play, maybe half a dozen times over 2 or 3 years, and we ended up with a friendship that went way beyond the play, for years afterwards.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 19

RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 4:54:40 PM

risktaker9

Posts: 197
Joined: 3/10/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AlexandraLynch

I personally advocate a mix of the two options. Without experience, you may not know all that you want and like. Plus, the local community may help you network and find that special someone. But I don't advocate just handing something as precious as your full submission to just anyone, or permitting oneself the deep love and possession that is felt by a dominant on the basis of a few minute's play. Get to know people, and learn how you react. You may be someone who can't casually play. You may be able to play at parties until the sun comes up. You won't know until you try.

This...very nicely put.
Playing and trying out different people helped me out quite a bit in the beginning to define what I wanted and liked. I found the man I'm with through the trying out of several people. If I were ever to look again however I pretty much know what I'm looking for now and wouldn't go the play route. Now I'd go the wait for the right person route, much like vanilla dating.

(in reply to AlexandraLynch)

Post #: 20

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