quote:

ORIGINAL: Whenready

If someone catches your eye, talk to them.

In the meantime, play with me... (ok I couldn't resist and no one else has said it yet).

If that talk turns into play - or an LTR - you have the connection - and growing experience - to build on. Where it leads is up to both of you - good luck!

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
I guess my problem is not having made that connection with a Dom.

For me, that connection is a requirement. But once you've got it, go for it! (IMO). In your OP you talk about gaining experience and knowledge. A lot of fun is to be had in the acquiring of said experience, with or without the LTR

quote:

ORIGINAL: Whenready

I can easily afford the flight fare - but have you seen their coffee prices????

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

My question has always been, how the hell does someone know this is what or who they are and not just some hot fantasy they have been dreaming of, until they experience it?

quote:

ORIGINAL: RCdc

I dunno jb - whenready does have a point about the coffee...
I'd pick easyjet over ryanair anyday.yup.yup.

the.dark.

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

*coughcough*crocodiletears*coughcough*

I mean...awwww, poor jb-don't go!

:P

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

If someone is relatively new to BDSM and their long term goal is to be in a long term commited relationship, involving this lifestyle... Are they better off..,

Waiting for someone they have a strong possibility of falling in before going any further... Or

Finding someone they're reasonably attracted to and compatible with in order to gain some experience and knowledge

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

You are misunderstanding. The PERSON is more important than the play. However.. how do people meet someone? Do they spend hours online hoping to put out feelers so someone comes by to discover them? Or, do they go out and attempt to meet people, who know people, ect ect? Look at the boards. There are people all the time devasted because some dom in whom they invested time and emotions decides to go nilla, or look for local, or has found someone else.

The PERSON is more important once you have found them. In the nilla world people go out and meet, hang out and socialize and eventually match up. Playing or going to events is socializing. Sometimes you find that things start out casually (just like nilla dating!), but you find yourself spending more and more time with that person until before you know it play becomes private, intimate, personal.. and what do you know, that person IS more than the play. At that point, should you stop playing for one reason or the next it is not terrible because that person means more than playing.

And no... most of those who drifted off did so not because of casual play. They did so because MrWonderful or MsBlowmeanyday was not hanging from a vine waiting to fall in their laps. Beats me how people get the idea that because we are kinky, anyone will do. And that also means when playing casually. I don't play unless I am feeling it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

I´m laughing at myself right now as I realize why I´ve been putting an emphasis on feeling like there is a strong potential for something serious...  It´s guilt. 

At this point I´ve had several men who have offered to come over to meet me... I declined because I wasn´t feeling a huge connection, and while I realize that how you connect online and in person can be and often are completely different... it hasn´t stopped me from feeling guilty about them spending the time and money to come over.  It´s not like they can jump in a car and drive an hour to meet me and if I don´t think there´s serious potential it makes me feel guilty to have them spend the money on a "maybe" and have them get here and not click at all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

That's funny because when I didn't know this stuff I do is kink, I used to feel those feelings of guilt for having caused anyone to go to some effort to see me. It made me feel somewhat responsible for whether or not they had a good time. This was true even if one of my kids had someone casually stopping by for a weekend. If they were visiting my house.. they were my guest and I was responsible. I can't tell you how many trips to Disneyland I racked up (for them) in the name of being a good hostess.

And dating was also a bit of hostess job because I knew the chances of them bedding me were not as great as they might hope, so I had to be entertaining in other ways.

But once I discovered the world of internet dating in the nilla world because I did not know the stuff I do was kinky, I had to change my view of being a good hostess. Even in the nilla dating sites there was a small degree of expectation in the men about how far they could go with me. Very quickly I had to develop a distance about what was and was not acceptable. This was particularly true once I discovered kink sites. I always let men know that anyone coming to see me is just a potential friend and nothing more. The ones that were hoping for an easy BJ usually stop writing. And the rest take their chances on what sort of reception they will get. I am always polite and perky regardless of whether I feel attracted to them. In general I like men and any man I meet usually becomes my friend. I feel no responsibility toward them and what their expectations might have been because I am not ambiguous about whether or not they will be getting "it" wet.

I think being clear about your own boundries is important. Yes I have met men and just "clicked" with them but that is rare. If you see someone as only a potential friend it takes out the guilt of responsibility. I have very little guilt about anything now. If some guy wants to travel a thousand miles to see me I will gather up info on all the tourist attractions around just in case he had expectations beyond my boundries.

I did have one man write about meeting me who was 1400 miles away. He toyed with the notion of meeting me and over our correspondence mentioned clothing requirements.. UMm... NO. He wanted to come as a dominant. I don't think so! I put no man in that position from any sort of online communication. No man is that for me until we meet, we click, and I agree to it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

I haven't been willing to date anyone who didn't live reasonably close, and I think that the disappointment factor you mention is part of it. I can't possibly know whether or not I'll be attracted to someone, or have any D/s chemistry with them, until I interact with them in person. Back when I was looking, I was very clear with people about that.