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RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 5:24:37 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I don't know about anyone else but it makes me very nervous when someone does the quick "relationship rush" before we even have a chance to get to know one another.
I want to know someone is as careful as I am (or close to it) about who they allow into their lives. My (then) husband rushed me into an engagement and marriage. I think I have learned better in the years since my teens.
Most of the times I have found someone who fit into my life perfectly, but they had not been seeking the mythical one anymore than I was.. then whammo.. we were a couple.

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious


quote:

ORIGINAL: RCdc

I believe you need to enter any relationship with reasonable expectations.  That means, not putting your goal into action before you have taken the journey (if that makes sense).
I was blessed.  I met Master and it's evolved from there, but that was never the initial intention, even if that was our ultimate goals seperately.  It's very naive to put focus only on the outcome and ones own loss to not enjoy the experience you go through in the meantime.  As long as everyone makes their preferences known and do not expect the others to change significantly in the future to match theirs, if they don't already - it's all cool.

the.dark.


I don't think there's ever a guarantee in any relationship...but do you think it's important that people are at least on the same page as far as what they're looking for?



< Message edited by Missokyst -- 4/15/2010 5:25:40 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 5:25:48 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

While in a play session...are you capable of submission...or is it bottoming?



It depends! I have played where I was bottom and not submissive, it has merit but less meaning **for me.**
<<RE-POSTED>>
When I was new I thought of myself as submissive; in retrospect, I was a 'bottom', I was in it for the sensations. Somewhere along the way I discovered the joys of submission. I have kept a journal as well as some emails to and from a dear friend. Occasionally I re-read them and I can see where it started to happen, and can map my journey thus far.

I am the lucky participant as the submissive partner to several dominant men. They know about each other but have never met. These relationships have lasted for years; they are not 'just' play, or 'just' sex, or 'just' bedroom. When I am in their presence, they dominate and I submit fully for whatever length of time they choose to spend with me. It may be intermittent, but they have full authority when we are together. None of us want more, nor do we want less, of what we have together. We are content, and when we part we are always smiling. We have learned a great deal about each other over the years and have developed strong and trusting relationships.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 5:30:14 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

In another post "preferences" there was a decided majority of people who felt that the person was more important then the play...

Do you think that a person can have an experience that's as positive without the "connection"? Possibly the lack of connection being part of the reason it didn't work out for some of the newbies?
It doesn't have to be love or a long term prospect for the person to be more important than the play. IMO, if you don't look at the person and think 'fuck, I want to do sexynaughtybad things with or to or for or [some passive preposition that English lacks] YOU', then anything you do with them is not going to be intense and it's not going to be fulfilling.

I've done that once, and I don't intend to do it again-boring more than anything. That doesn't mean I've never played casually, or with anyone I have no intention of seeing again, or people I've never met before-I've done those things, but the rest of the time it's been with people I've instantly clicked with-that click is far more important than the activities involved, but it has nothing to do with the long term, or any kind of serious relationship. Make sense?

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

Too many idiots think they can tell the real frogs from the enchanted ones without ever kissing one.   People with a ton of experience still get fooled, there is no way a newbie has any idea what they want, let alone what people really are about.
That's both extremely condescending and utter tosh. People are people-D/s doesn't change 'what people really are about', and anyone who keeps their head on their shoulders will be capable of considering the motivations of others, no matter how new they are.

Frogdar has to do with emotional intelligence and common sense, not experience levels-some people with plenty of experience can still lack both those things, which is why they get fooled, and some people with no experience at all will have both those things in bucketfuls, which makes your 'there is no way' line complete nonsense.

< Message edited by VaguelyCurious -- 4/15/2010 5:31:22 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 5:52:38 PM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I know exactly what you mean...but in 'nilla land. If I connect with someone... the time we share can be hours or years and it still feels right. I ended a 4 year relationship with a lover because we lost the connection...it was still the same kinky sex...but with the connection gone, felt empty.

On the other side...there's a man I run into once or twice a year...we've never exchanged phone numbers or last names...but we have an amazing connection.

I guess my problem is not having made that connection with a Dom.



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I have an explosive personality...


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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 5:53:47 PM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		I can't say that there's one way that works for everybody.

Personally, I'm glad I found a couple of steady friends/play partners soon after getting into D/s - it confirmed that I really was into this stuff outside my fantasies, that I wanted more than just play sessions, and I learned about what I'm into and not into in real life (and that some of that depends on the chemistry/dynamic with the other person(s)). It also tided me over until I ended up in something more serious. Sexual frustration and "sub frenzy" are both a pain in the ass.

So I had a good experience with option B. But I can't say that you'd be better off that way.

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 6:05:32 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

I guess my problem is not having made that connection with a Dom.
For me, that connection is a requirement. But once you've got it, go for it! (IMO). In your OP you talk about gaining experience and knowledge. A lot of fun is to be had in the acquiring of said experience, with or without the LTR


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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 6:07:17 PM   
ncbabe


Posts: 1060
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious


quote:

ORIGINAL: ncbabe

Personally I went for the second option and was glad to have at least some knowledge/experience before I met my owner.  The only thing I would tell a newbie is not to lose their common sense when trying to get experience and not to confuse passion with love.

(edited for grammar)


While in a play session...are you capable of submission...or is it bottoming?


I felt I was submitting.  At the time I was a newbie, but I chose partners I felt safe with and our play sessions were not extreme.  So I allowed myself to let go to an extent.  It may not have had the same depth my submission now has, but it was submission.  For me, submission is about how I feel on the inside, not how I choose to act within a situation.

_____________________________

As we think, so we become.

Nichts ist unmöglich


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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 6:12:38 PM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		Wow Catize... You amaze me, most people have a hard time maintaining one healthy relationship... You bring multi-tasking to a whole new level!

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'


I have an explosive personality...


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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 6:30:43 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		There is no one right answer. It is different for everyone.

Me? I waited till I found the right man. I knew that I needed a committed relationship to feel comfortable enough to play. But play is the least important part of it for me. It's nice, but him being who he is; strong, confident, dependable, those are things that count. I can always turn to him when I'm in trouble, when I just need a hug. And I would sacrifice any amount of fun activities for this. Because he is my best friend, the person I lean on when in need. And that to me comes first.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 7:24:36 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I don't believe it depends so much on the other person so much as it depends on you, your desire to get to know someone else and your interests.

Knowing yourself and what your interests are and being able to find someone with the same interests (which don't necessary involve genitalia) is an important first step towards getting into a relationship, as is finding someone with interests who match your own. Without this knowledge you're not going to get very far. People are generally self-centred and nobody is ever going to want to log off from the computer and want to be with you unless they're convinced that meeting you is going to serve their own interests in some way.

While knowledge and experience in BDSM are useful, they are not as essential as being able to relate to the other person face to face, communicate with them, and exercise basic common sense.

Having experience and knowledge of BDSM isn't really that important, because each time you start a new relationship you start at the same point - at the beginning with a new person. Neither guarantee you success in forming relationships with others.

There's also no way of knowing how any relationship is going to work out without getting to know the other person and having face to face contact with them. If you believe there is the chances are you're fooling yourself.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 7:26:19 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I did some casual play in between relationships in the past, and currently have a submissive playpartner as well as my Master. We've been playing together for months now, and try to spend time hanging out doing vanilla things as well. She's a friend, and I care about her, but she isn't my girlfriend. We do have some D/s interaction rather than strictly top/bottom, and she's willing to do service-oriented things as well as play, but I don't consider her to be *my* submissive. She has responsibilities since she is married (I've met her husband a couple of times, and he's fine with it) and has kids, so I don't feel it would be workable for us to have a D/s dynamic that extended beyond its current parameters.

I've learned a lot about what I like and don't like, and had fun trying new things, but I only played if I *wasn't* very attracted to the person in the first place, or if we were dating fairly seriously with a view toward having a relationship. I can't keep things casual if I'm ass over teakettle for someone! I had one person who I started playing with more casually, but who said he was open to developing a relationship, turn into a very strong D/s interaction. He wanted a M/s and D/LG relationship, but not for me to be his girlfriend, so I decided not to continue playing with him. Other than him and my current playpartner, I've only topped or bottomed outside of a relationship. I've had one 5-year relationship as a Domme, one 3-year relationship as a submissive, and have been dating my Master for about a year now. I've had a couple of egalitarian kinky relationships as a top, a bottom, or a switch (that were not casual) as well.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 4/15/2010 7:29:28 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 7:34:01 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		For me, it simply cannot be option B simply because of how it would make me feel.  I would feel like I was using the people along the way to my "happily ever after" and I am not okay with that.  I am not saying that is so or not, but it is how it feels to me even conceptually.

I started by experimenting right where I was.  I know for some that isn't an option at all and, in the end, this part of my need as a person is not something that is appropriate for my husband to fill.  It was hard on him mentally and emotionally and, as a result, left me with just enough experience to know what I wanted, but without the ability to connect with him in that way.  The point is to start with someone that is already of some kind of significance in your life if at all possible.  Even though the play and the dynamic didn't work, the rest still stands and we are no worse for the wear.  It is an idea.  Again, I know it isn't possible for some, but it is something that can kind of bridge the gap between intensely intimate and nearly completely detatched play.

I doubt I could ever do fully detatched play.  I guess if my partner were at the helm of it in the shadows maybe I could.  I just don't trust people all that easily on these kinds of levels.  I won't play with just anyone and just because someone has a toy I don't assume that they know how to use it safely, much less effectively.  I couldn't be a dungeon slut, bouncing from old hands to new faces all night long.  I want to know at least enough to believe I am in good hands.  I don't know if I could enjoy it even then without some kind of connection.  That is just the case for me.  Others are different.

lovingpet 

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/15/2010 7:56:29 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline 		What should someone else do? I have no freaking idea.

For myself, I have never had to feel a "until death do you part" connection with someone to have a relationship with them. Kinky or otherwise. I have had relationships with people that I knew going in were not going to be long term and I approached them as such and enjoyed them for what they were. I have had and enjoyed casual play relationships with people who I had no interest in beyond casual play.

I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting for Prince or Princess Charming as long as you take ownership of that fact. You might get lucky and meet them when you're 25 or you might turn 50 before you meet them or you may spend your whole life waiting. Wait if that is what speaks to you but don't whine if things don't turn out like you planned.




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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/16/2010 3:26:18 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		For myself... I think I'm somewhere in the middle. For years I've avoided long term commitment, I worried that it would disract me from what I needed/wanted to accomplish in life...first raising my daughter, running my business, then traveling round the world and rediscovering who I was as a person...outside the realm of girlfriend, wife, business owner and motherhood.

So when I say I would like someone to be on the same page as regards to the possibility of a LTR...I just don't want to be with someone like me who has put limits on the relationship...where there will be no potential or possibility regardless of the connection.

I'm not in the location to be able to take advantage of munches, parties or venues that cater to the BDSM crowd... so I don't have that opportunity to just go and meet people.

So my "plan of action" is to talk to Doms online...establish a basic connection with the plan to meet as soon as possible to see if the connection is there when we're face to face.... and take it from there. The only other option I see is to be a bit more open about my submissive nature in the vanilla world.








_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'


I have an explosive personality...


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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/16/2010 3:56:12 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
I don't think there's ever a guarantee in any relationship...but do you think it's important that people are at least on the same page as far as what they're looking for?


Not necessarily.  But I do believe people should be honest about their goals with their partner.  But then realistic in that one should understand that goals change.  Even if you both have the same goals at the start does not guarentee that they will remain the same... so that is where compromise comes in.
So many people maintain such focus on not becoming bogged down, or at the other end, on the picket fence with the roses around the door - that they miss all the enjoyment in the middle.  They even stiffle their own growth because of a goal, and that's such a waste of life.

Compromise and not settling.

the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/16/2010 4:13:26 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
I'm not in the location to be able to take advantage of munches, parties or venues that cater to the BDSM crowd... so I don't have that opportunity to just go and meet people.


This will get me stoned!  But munches and parties aren't all that.  Never met a prospective there, never wanted to.  Met brillant people and some fab long term friends.  But I didn't hold it as a place to score a goal.

quote:

So my "plan of action" is to talk to Doms online...establish a basic connection with the plan to meet as soon as possible to see if the connection is there when we're face to face.... and take it from there. The only other option I see is to be a bit more open about my submissive nature in the vanilla world.


I am going to reverse this a bit...

quote:

The only other option I see is to be a bit more open about my submissive nature in the vanilla world.


If you can, then be totally open about it.  And that doesn't mean you have to be all 'I like to get spanked' or 'I like to serve' to all and everyone, but be the example of who you are.

I met Master online.  But we connected because of our art and photography - not because of our orientations.  But he learnt by the books in my collections, or the images I painted, what I was interested and attracted to, over time.  That part of my personality just spilled over normally.  So we could talk about it and not make it some slutty and dirty little secret.

quote:

So my "plan of action" is to talk to Doms online...establish a basic connection with the plan to meet as soon as possible to see if the connection is there when we're face to face.... and take it from there.


See to me, that is placing an unrealistic goal ahead of yourself.  Why restrict yourself to people who claim to be dominants?  When you are open and comfortable with what you are, then you will attract dominant people - and the same occurs in reverse, you will be attracted to a dominant person and will recognise the similarities you share.  It's great to stick to a site like this and meet people who proclaim what they are, but don't limit yourself to a pool, when their is a whole ocean you can swim in.  Take what you are and let it expand and glow in what you do and like... everyone has hobbies or likes.  And that can aid the connection.

the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/16/2010 4:38:57 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

My question has always been, how the hell does someone know this is what or who they are and not just some hot fantasy they have been dreaming of, until they experience it?
As long as I have been running groups I have seen a large part of newbies exit soon after they discover it's not like the bodice ripper books or chat rooms they have hung around in with a ds theme.

Vote me into the second group. I never liked that idea of waiting around for prince charming to climb some random tower in hopes he might find someone like me there.



30 odd years of therapy.

You can try things out to decide if you like them or you can delve deep within to discover your core needs. Both ways work.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/16/2010 6:10:31 AM   
afkarr


Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		For starters, take the kink out of the equation, and the first option is like not dating until you find the guy you hope will marry you, while the second is sleeping with whoever happens to be free tonight. Why not try sort of a combination of the two, the kinky equivelent of vanilla dating, the FWB option? Get to know people, decide if there's any mutual attraction, compatability, and then ease into the freaky version of necking, a little mild play if you both want, and build from there.

I wouldn't spend my life waiting for my only one and twue Master to kidnap me and carry me off to his dungeon, but neither would I make the rounds of the lash 'em and leave 'em crowd, the players who figure the quickest way into a girls. pants is to pull them down and spank her first.

In other words, don't develop a game plan, and then try to make life fit it, it's sure to backfire in some way. You may find the people you get along with best as people are not that great of playmate; while the OK ones are the best partners. Best to keep an open mind, and let life happen.

Just my $.02 worth.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/16/2010 7:57:14 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		heh... well there you have it. I started this stuff long before 30. I was always a jump into the deep end even if I don't know to swim, sort.


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

My question has always been, how the hell does someone know this is what or who they are and not just some hot fantasy they have been dreaming of, until they experience it?
As long as I have been running groups I have seen a large part of newbies exit soon after they discover it's not like the bodice ripper books or chat rooms they have hung around in with a ds theme.

Vote me into the second group. I never liked that idea of waiting around for prince charming to climb some random tower in hopes he might find someone like me there.



30 odd years of therapy.

You can try things out to decide if you like them or you can delve deep within to discover your core needs. Both ways work.


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Stay or Play??? - 4/16/2010 9:40:52 AM   
Whenready


Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		If someone catches your eye, talk to them.

In the meantime, play with me... (ok I couldn't resist and no one else has said it yet).

If that talk turns into play - or an LTR - you have the connection - and growing experience - to build on. Where it leads is up to both of you - good luck!

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 40
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