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Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/17/2010 9:44:35 PM

Jinger

Posts: 347
Joined: 1/7/2007
From: Rochester
Status: offline

I have a problem with guilt.
Here it is:

I have a girlfriend who I am madly in love with. I think of her all day, I can't wait to live with her.
I dream of being married to her. I don't depend on her for happiness, but the fact is that she does make me very happy.
I've never been in a better relationship. She is as emotionally gorgeous as she is physically, which is saying a lot in her case.

That said, there is a large primal side to me that needs to know that I can attract other people.
So I go onto little free dating sites...some vanilla, some kinky...and I make these profiles and hang out for a spell.
I eventually hook some person into flirting with me and MAYBE we talk on some instant messenger and SOMETIMES
we exchange photos. Not sexual ones, but photos.

I've read up on this kind of behavior and I understand that this is relatively normal for guys. It's basically a fantasy.
But I can never enjoy these kinds of episodes for more than a week before I find myself reeling in disgust.
I delete my accounts, I trash any pictures I've received, and if whoever I've flirted with asks why I basically tell them to fuck off. More or less.

I've never once propositioned anyone for a meeting. In fact the very idea sends chills down my spine. I get nightmares sometimes about having affairs.
It's not because I live in fear of my girlfriend. I just know how I would feel if I found out she was doing something similar and I know I'd be upset.
I'm as jealous as she is.

I sort of want to talk to my girlfriend about it, but frankly I would hate to worry her, or lose her trust over something I myself could just
stop right here and now.

So what do I do? I always end up quitting these little flings. But should I be so hard on myself?
Or should I stop fucking around and just stick to pornography?

I really feel that my behavior is not justifiable, yet every now and then I just can't seem to help myself.
Am I alone in this problem?

Thank you for those who take my problem seriously!

•••

P.S Collarme is the only site I've remained true to because the forum is full of genuinely helpful advice. Honestly I just love the intellectual vibe. Should I get rid of all my sexy pictures? One day I'd like to replace them all with ones of my girlfriend and I but I'm not sure if she'd be into that...

Post #: 1

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/17/2010 10:27:53 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Understand that I am taking you seriously.

Yes. You should knock it off.

If you're supposed to be in a monogamous relationship, then be monogamous. Even if you're not meeting up with the other people, you're not exactly being honest with them, and you're omitting the truth from the person that you say you are so in love with.

Let's put it like this. If the shoe were on the other foot and your girlfriend came to you with the story that you're telling us here, how would you feel? Would you feel betrayed? Would you have reason to wonder if your trust was misplaced? Do you think you'd feel like she was doing something behind your back?

You feel guilty because this obviously isn't the arrangement that your girlfriend signed up for, and I think you know it.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 2

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/17/2010 11:12:35 PM

OrpheusAgonistes

Posts: 253
Joined: 3/29/2010
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By your account, you are unable to resist the compulsion to indulge in behavior you believe to be wrong, even repugnant. This is much more worrisome than the behavior itself.

Something is wrong. You need to stop the behavior immediately, and you also need to speak with your girlfriend about what has been going on. I'm not going to pontificate about whether or not honesty is always the best policy, but when you're talking about a pattern of behavior in what is supposed to be a long term relationship, lying, even by omission, is not an option.

The process is going to suck. She may dump you. She may be pissed for a long time. She may get back at you. If you don't care enough about the relationship to go through it, though, the arrangement is untenable and you're simply playing out a doomed position for as long as you can. In this case, stop feeling guilty, because you really don't care anyway.

This is all just my own interpretation of the situation and should be taken with a grain of salt. But I'd bet a dollar I'm right.

_____________________________

What I cannot create, I do not understand.--Feynman

Every sentence I have written here is the product of some disease.-- Wittgenstein

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 3

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/17/2010 11:30:13 PM

brainiacsub

Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/11/2007
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline

I, too, will assume you are not a troll. I hate giving relationship advice. I stink at it, so take it or leave it, it's free.

Why in the hell would you want to be so committed to one person at your age? You lack the wisdom, life experience, maturity, and physical discipline to make such a life altering decision at the tender age of 22. Let me remind you that you are also making this decision for her. Young women who also lack life experience are prone to hanging on your every word. Don't be a schmuck and break her heart. You are a walking testicle. Nature designed you that way. In a few years you'll feel differently, but in the mean time, you aren't doing yourself any favors by denying your natural appetites. The pages of CM are riddled with middle age men who got married too young and now wish to embark on the great sexual adventure they missed in their 20s. I promise you that you will be a different man in 10 yrs. Will you still be the man she thinks she loves now?

I am not suggesting that your love for her is not real. But with age and experience comes the wisdom to recognize that love alone is not enough to make something work. At 22 I suspect you are pretty clueless about the rest. You can't be honest with her if you aren't first being honest with yourself. You knew before you solicited our advice that your behavior is dishonest and you have a very tough choice to make.

< Message edited by brainiacsub -- 4/18/2010 12:04:17 AM >

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 4

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 12:05:00 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

~~WARNING! I am about to commit armchair psychology.~~~

You exhibit compulsive behavior, take action you know is wrong for you, but do it anyway and then feel guilt. You say it is considered 'fairly normal' for guys your age, but you don't really believe that. If you did you wouldn't have such self loathing.
Maybe you are just immature. Maybe it goes deeper than that; perhaps you suspect you don't deserve your girlfriend. Keep skating the edge and you will fuck it up, thus you will have proof that your suspicions are correct.
I would suggest seeking a good therapist to discover the 'why'.

ETA: Do you ever consider the feelings of the people you flirt with and then dump rather rudely?

< Message edited by catize -- 4/18/2010 12:30:00 AM >

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
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(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 5

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 12:14:54 AM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jinger

I have a problem with guilt.
Here it is:

I have a girlfriend who I am madly in love with. I think of her all day, I can't wait to live with her.
I dream of being married to her. I don't depend on her for happiness, but the fact is that she does make me very happy.
I've never been in a better relationship. She is as emotionally gorgeous as she is physically, which is saying a lot in her case.

Jinger, from one man to another ... i suggest you deep six everything ... and just focus on your girlfriend.

A relationship that makes you happy, is a flower, that needs to nurture and grow. It needs to be watered and fed ... every day. And if the flower dies, it cannot be replaced.

When you play with fantasy ... you are playing with EXACTLY THAT ... fantasy ... and it has no relationship to real life.

Real life is about give and take, sharing heart break, sorrow and joys and christmas ... it has good times and bad.

But when you focus on real life ... the sex is VERY REAL ... it MEANS something.

BUT IF YOU PLAY WITH FANTASY ... YOU WILL LIKELY DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP ... AND YOU CAN NEVER REPLACE IT .... IN REAL LIFE !!!

So frankly ... i will say it again ... disconnect your internet connection ... burn your penthouses ... get rid of it all ....

and learn to make love with the lady who drives you crazy!

And this is from a man ... who knows what can happen ... if you believe its normal for guys ...

Be guilty .... very guilty ... and love that lady the way you say you do ...

< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 4/18/2010 12:27:13 AM >

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 6

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 12:36:00 AM

brainiacsub

Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/11/2007
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline

I noticed that you are nearly 50. Sounds like you are speaking from experience. Is this advice you could have benefited from at 22? Do you really believe that love lost so young is irreplaceable?

Age - like size - matters.

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)

Post #: 7

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 12:51:32 AM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

Well ... since i possess both age ... and size ... around my waist line ;-) ... i will answer.

Yes, it is advice i would have benefited from, at many ages. Particularly at 22.

Love at any age is irreplaceable.

But it is very special at 22 ...

At 22, you have the opportunity to build a lifetime of memories together ... to create a life of teamwork and togetherness ... to have something special to reminisce and share ...

Love can still find you later ... but ... every year wasted ... chasing fantasy ... is a year of memories .. flushed down the toilet ...

This is not to say i don't have fabulous memories ... and my life story, would leave most people in stunned disbelief ... it is just ... it is only i ... who can smile ...

And that ... is not a whole lot of fun, either!

< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 4/18/2010 1:03:07 AM >

(in reply to brainiacsub)

Post #: 8

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 12:52:35 AM

Ange1ica

Posts: 16
Joined: 12/6/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jinger

I sort of want to talk to my girlfriend about it, but frankly I would hate to worry her, or lose her trust over something I myself could just stop right here and now.

Discuss this openly at your peril.

I guarantee your girlfriend will not receive it well. She will be offended, upset and feel that she is in some way inadequate. She will not see it as your primal side seeking satisfaction, but instead see it as being something wrong with her or something she has done wrong.

Angelica

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 9

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 12:55:39 AM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

Discuss this openly at your peril.

I guarantee your girlfriend will not receive it well. She will be offended, upset and feel that she is in some way inadequate. She will not see it as your primal side seeking satisfaction, but instead see it as being something wrong with her or something she has done wrong.

Angelica

I do agree ... burn the pictures, kill the internet .... and focus on her ... don't ever look back.

(in reply to Ange1ica)

Post #: 10

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 1:00:55 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

~FR~

ok....I'm going to be as honest as I can here...

If you believe you are ready to marry at 22, then you consider yourself mature, right?

So, an adult has responsibility for himself. If he chooses to indulge in this 'harmless' online flirting, then he chooses the result if his partner finds out, and to live with any negative feelings that are produced.

If you are mature enough to marry a woman you say you love, you are mature enough to stop indulging your destructive fantasies. It's down to choice, and it's time to pull on the big boy pants and make a decision one way or another.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to Ange1ica)

Post #: 11

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 1:04:31 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but Grow Up!

Excuses like I can't help myself are not all that acceptable in a grown man. You're cheating on your girlfriend and using other people so you can get your little "feel good" moment by being able to pull other women. Feeling guilty about doesn't make it ok.

It's guys like you that blow it for men honestly hoping to meet someone as women exposed to your type of behavior become very untrusting.

The fact that you don't even mention the effect your actions have on anyone but you indicates a very selfish and childish nature.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to brainiacsub)

Post #: 12

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 1:30:53 AM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

Hey jb ... the kid ... Jinger ... he's the OP ... is only 22 ....

it is me that brainiacsub was addressing ... about being well ... maybe twice the kid's age. ;-)

But you also make a good point. If he is old enough to be in love ... he is old enough to take grown up responsibility ...

And i don't believe any of us thus far ... are condoning his behavior.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 13

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 1:46:57 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

No, I don't think anyone is condoning the behavior... you're all just being a lot nicer about it then I am.

As children we view the world from a place of self...a child only see's things from a prespective of how things effect them but by the age of 7 or 8 begin to see how things effect others as well.

Now I'm about to go somewhere I really don't want to go... "kids these days..." If the OP had shown any regard for how his actions effected others I would have replied very differently...but it's "all about him" ...his guilt, his fear...with no regard for others. Acceptable from a child...not an adult and 22 is an adult... and while we can all be a little self indulgent at times, it shouldn't be at the expense of others.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)

Post #: 14

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 1:57:53 AM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

If the OP had shown any regard for how his actions effected others I would have replied very differently...but it's "all about him" ...his guilt, his fear...with no regard for others. Acceptable from a child...not an adult and 22 is an adult... and while we can all be a little self indulgent at times, it shouldn't be at the expense of others.

JB ... You make a really good point ....

however ... as i am apparently the "senior citizen" ;-) ... on this post ... i need to add one thing.

No different than when i was growing up ... :-) ... i have yet to meet a 22 year old who thinks in a mature manner ... first.

Give Jinger credit ... for asking others ... whom he hopes are older and wiser ... how to handle the situation.

It just might be a sign ... he is more mature than his peers.

< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 4/18/2010 2:01:32 AM >

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 15

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 2:00:12 AM

hardandsofttouch

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/17/2010
Status: offline

Guilt is useless, keep on cheating on her and stop fussing about it or stay true to her from now on and do keep your gob shut never ever tell.
Now for the nonsense about the "grandeur" of love, love is an illness it makes your brains go to mush, many times was I truly in Love but did it last? Well yes a couple of years.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 16

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 2:26:05 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

quote:

If the OP had shown any regard for how his actions effected others I would have replied very differently...but it's "all about him" ...his guilt, his fear...with no regard for others. Acceptable from a child...not an adult and 22 is an adult... and while we can all be a little self indulgent at times, it shouldn't be at the expense of others.

JB ... You make a really good point ....

however ... as i am apparently the "senior citizen" ;-) ... on this post ... i need to add one thing.

No different than when i was growing up ... :-) ... i have yet to meet a 22 year old who thinks in a mature manner ... first.

Give Jinger credit ... for asking others ... whom he hopes are older and wiser ... how to handle the situation.

It just might be a sign ... he is more mature than his peers.

Have you read his profile? He's a "pro sub" who has a list of demands that shiws overwhelming arrogance... He's here for "shit & giggles... we're the shit and he's the giggles"

I'm sorry but to me he needs a good swift kick in the ass.

And just so you know... I'm the a'hem "Sr. Citizen" here... nanner, nanner, naaaanner

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)

Post #: 17

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 2:47:24 AM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

Have you read his profile? He's a "pro sub" who has a list of demands that shiws overwhelming arrogance... He's here for "shit & giggles... we're the shit and he's the giggles"

Well no ?**??**??** !!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are right!!!!!!!!!!

There are no morals here .... W/we have been taken .... off with his head!

And i mean the one between Your legs ... you little *&*&*&*&*&

< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 4/18/2010 2:48:23 AM >

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 18

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 2:52:20 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

i have yet to meet a 22 year old who thinks in a mature manner ... first.

I suspect you might not know that many 22 year olds.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)

Post #: 19

RE: Libidos and Moral Dilemmas - 4/18/2010 3:03:53 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

I won't go over any issues I saw others address.

I'll give my opinion on this instead:
"Or should I stop fucking around and just stick to pornography?"

Some of us see fidelity as...emotional, and a mental discipline as well as the physical aspect of keeping ones pants zipped.

We all can't help looking at other people and thinking they're hot, but there's a big difference between random thoughts...and indulging in long sexual fantasies over people who are off limits. I have known several women who have left men (husbands as well as boyfriends) because they felt so hurt and betrayed to learn that their men were being unfaithful, obsessing about having sex with other women. They were right about about their men's loyalties...when the ladies gave the men a choice of getting rid of all porn and internet porn, or keeping the real women...the men chose the porn.

Men may feel entirely different about this than women. It may not bother them to come home to their wife/girlfriend and see her with a friend drooling over porn, making comments like...my honey's so sweet but his butt is nowhere near as sexy as this hunk, or if so-and-so ever wanted to go out with her, she'd drop you like a rock, and...she often dreams she's really f'ing one of these hotties while she's "making love" with you...

What if she started having online romances with any of these men? There would be lots of opportunities for her, if she's as wonderful and beautiful as you say she is. How would you feel about her needing to test her wow power like this? Having an insatiable hunger to have more and more men become infatuated with her...what would she be needing from them that you cannot provide?

Would this be okay with you, as long as she isn't tempted enough to trade you in for someone better...you'd put up with her maybe screaming out some other man's name while she cums, because she was thinking of him instead of you?

One of the sweetest things I ever heard was about a professional ballplayer (I'm terrible with names), anyway, when the cheerleaders came out to do their thing his eyes never looked at them, but stayed focused on the ground near his feet. Some reporters asked him why, and he said something like this...when he married, he decided that if any woman was going to have her feelings hurt, it wasn't going to be HIS WIFE.

(If someone knows the exact quote, please send me a link into my mailbox...I'll probably print it and put it behind a glass frame.)

.....................................................................................................
Edited to avoid double posting.

Wow, a lot happened while I was writing all this.

My opinion on this subject is still the same, if taken in the same context.

Maybe his dilemma is "real" and his honey doesn't know that he's *also* going behind her back...doing activities that would make him consider himself a "pro-sub".

< Message edited by CynthiaWVirginia -- 4/18/2010 3:18:06 AM >

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 20

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