Dominants: Has this ever happened to you?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Dominants: Has this ever happened to you?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Dominants: Has this ever happened to you?

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 6:23:41 AM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

I saw a submissive female type several years ago at a large local munch. I didn't get to speak to her but was able to locate her through another munch group's online forum. I emailed her and we began chatting. There was mutual interest on both of our parts. At some point the discussions turned to kink and she asked what my three favorite kink activities were and I responded to her. She replied that two of those three things were hard limits of hers. I told her I was not surprised as those activities tend to show up on a lot of submissive's hard limit radars.

At this point any further discussion of getting together for play was closed for me. Round peg, meet square hole. No big deal. That's just the way life is sometimes especially in the world of kink.

As far as she was concerned, however, the discussion and negotiation was still open. She continued to lobby for a get together, both during the remainder of that discussion and in a few ensuing discussions for the next week or so. When I reminded her of our mismatch regarding my favorite activities versus her hard limits she immediately asked why that had to end the discussion. Somewhere along the line she got impression that when a dominant and a submissive had a conflict such as this the dominant merely set aside the hard limit items and ventured forward. "Thank you but I am not interested" was not an option in her mind.

I tried to draw a vanilla parallel between two people who had different life goals (although I clearly understand the difference between vanilla life partners and casual kinky playmates) but she was unconvinced. I had to get her to settle for the "we'll have to agree to disagree" option.

I do have a dominant male friend who operates in precisely the manner that she expected me to operate. He'll set out all of his favorite toys and let a submissive remove any she does not like and he will happily work with what remains. There's nothing wrong with that approach at all if that's your gig. That's just not my gig.

I guess what puzzled me so much what her expectation of my acquiescence as if it was standard procedure. Perhaps in her experience that was the way it had always happened so that's all that she ever knew. Or maybe I was just hopelessly out of touch.

Has this ever happened to you and how do you feel about it?

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

Post #: 1

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 6:33:40 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Not that I have any experience in the situation you mentioned, but honestly I think you've answered your own question.

Some dominants see it one way. Some see it the other way. She was trying to find out which you were... or perhaps had never run into your type before. I can't imagine why you'd "feel" anything about it. It just seems a straight-forward clarification discussion to me.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 2

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 7:14:59 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

Not a Dom, just a handful of thoughts from the s-side of things.

It seems to me casual play in general does seem to be more about the submissive - and that she often has a mentality of "well, i'm giving it up to him, so he should do what i want" to get her buttons pushed. And as Jeff said, there do seem to be a number of Doms out there who are willing to do just that, just for fun.

i don't condone the mindset of continuing to pressure you once you've said that you don't want to play with someone you're not compatible with though. And yes, there often is an expectation that since you're playing casually, you'll just give up those things that you desire - since she's letting you have access to her, she thinks you should just want to do it.

i know i'm going to get it for saying this, but many submissives seem to think that just because "You're a Man" you should be horny all the time, and hungry for any ass that will offer itself to you, and how on earth could you ever turn her down? When the reality is a man's sexuality is just as complex as a woman's, just in different ways, and adding BDSM to that only adds to his individual needs, not "dumbs them down" as some submissives seem to think.

Personally, i don't condone such behavior on either side of the whip. People are still human individuals, whether s-types or D-types.

Honestly, this is yet another reason why i don't play casually when un-owned - it seems to just wind up with too much confusion and drama, in my perception.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 3

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 7:21:35 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

I am a bigger bastard in real life than I ever have been on these forums. My friends are all quite aware of this and most are M/s inclined with a bias against D/s (no negotiation). So, when a D/s type SAM shows up in the crowd, behind my back they will try to bait her with me.

So now I have some little cutie begging me to Top her at the local dungeon. Unfortunately, I am not a Top... I am sadistic Master and usually don't play with anything unless owned (or loaned). Nonetheless, while staring at super sexy fresh meat... I have been known to make an exception. Unfortunately, that exception rarely goes further than the mind fuck and rarely do I get to lay my leather on the sexy noobs.

I once heard an old BDSM fireside tail about the sadistic Top who let the bottom remove all the gear they didn't like. Then the Top left all those things behind and proceeded to take all the things the bottom didn't like to the play station. When the bottom asked WFT was going on, the Top said . . . “I told you I am a sadist. Thank you for removing the things that wouldn't torture you” . . . well, I stole that routine and use it on newbee SAMs. I love it when they walk away from the cross swearing at me because I won't “service them” the way they want!

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 4/20/2010 7:23:50 AM >

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 4

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 8:13:41 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

I spent years being extremely picky about who I dominated. If they didn't like 'this' they were out, if they didn't like 'that' they were out too. I did find people who loved all that I loved and that was great to a point. The point being they were only playmates and apart from some simple joint likes we found we had little else in common.

When I first got talking to Steve there were red flags all over the place. He didn't seem to be impressed with what I liked and visa versa. Christ only knows why we met at all but thank god we did because I now love the things that I once believed I hated and he loves the things that he once believed he hated. Besides all the initial dislikes we had a huge amount in common.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 5

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 8:23:26 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Limits are fluid, I have a limit about kissing secondary or casual partners, I don't do it, but I do love to kiss and that limit disappears once someone becomes my primary. There are types of play I tend to enjoy with a primary AT SOME point down the road, like piss play that I pretty much expect to be a hard limit with most people I meet. I just smile and nod my head knowing one day they will kneel and open their mouth with thirst and hunger.

Now, whether this girl was smart and experienced enough to know that or just cute and used to doms doing whatever they could just for a chance to sniff their panties, I don't know. I get asked to play by a lot of people I won't play with and they are often surprised when I decline. I don't like to play with anyone I haven't seen play before because some of them are clingy or full of drama, or whatnot. The little TNG girls especially expect you to leap at the chance to play with them and they don't get that some men don't live to play with them.

All limits are fluid, some more than others, the trick is to find out what is needed to MAKE them fluid, barking an order or guilting someone is NOT the path to getting someone to step past a limit. Often respecting that limit is one of the ways to get someone to relax it. What is a limit this year may not be a few years down the line.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 6

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 8:42:30 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

Hmm, that isn't my style when I've bottomed casually in the past, and I haven't run into any submissives with that mindset. I *have* specifically negotiated to play with a particular toy/technique, especially the first time I've interacted with them. It's usually more a matter of it coming up in conversation with someone who I already knew well. For example, one person had just had a new set of canes delivered, and we were chit-chatting about them, and I'd become interested, though still a little nervous, by talking with someone online. So, we decided to give them a try. Another time, someone who I had taken a rope bondage class from, and had known/talked to a lot in more vanilla circumstances, wanted to suspend me using a particular technique, about 15' in the air. I decided that sure, that sounded like fun.

My limits are usually more of degree rather than kind. I wasn't willing to engage in casual sex or genital contact, so I did have to turn down a few people over that. I also ran into someone who didn't understand the difference between topping and Domination (or between bottoming and submission). After one or two experiences with people talking about how much I was submitting when I was just bottoming, I started screening more carefully for that up-front.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 7

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 8:53:33 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

In a casual play scenario... I would think that both parties are in it to have their own needs fulfilled so finding someone with a compatible kink factor would be important...whats the point of doing something or not being able to do something you want when it doesn't involve the emotional factor?

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 8

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 9:25:35 AM

Miyani

Posts: 248
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline

Well, here's my question. Are your two favorite things actually necessary in every single scene you do? The third favorite isn't a hard limit, why is it out of the question to explore that activity with her? I would have been just as confused as her if a potential play partner (because you did only mention getting together for play) responded the way you did. There's no reason for it, I feel.

As far as I'm concerned, everyone should be having fun. And if I'm playing with someone, it's because I want to play with them, not because of what I get to do to them. I like heavy impact, fire, and needles. If a boy I'm setting up a playdate with hates fire and needles, I will very happily beat him, and not think twice about disincluding the things that don't get him going. That doesn't make me any less Dominant, it makes me flexible, and an active participant in my own happiness. I'd be a pretty lonely kinkster if I wrote off everyone who didn't like one or two of my favorite activities.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 9

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 9:51:40 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

Has this ever happened to you and how do you feel about it?

I wouldn't say that my experience is the same as yours... but I did have this one girl that I was talking to about play. She had a definite limit on the idea of Markings, Knife Play and Fire Play. I believe there was a few other things as well. It was made pretty clear to here that those are things that I do engage in and many other things as well. She was extremely new and completely unexperienced in BDSM activity. She had done some research on some stuff and had a decided opinion on what appealled to her and what definitely did not.

I didn't negotiate with her or even implied that I wanted to negotiate so that more could develop. In fact, like you... it was more a square peg and round hole kinda of thing from my perspective and not a compatiable partnership in anyway. Interestly, she was still interested for some reason. Unlike your sitaution, she didn't have any expectations of me setting aside those limiting activities... maybe she was just to inexperienced to have that expectation or she just being recklessly foolish or maybe I think there wa some other factors that was driving her.

Anyways... we did hook up eventually. By the time we played together we had become rather strongly aware of each other and regards of the differences on the play landscape. We became rather interested and attracted to the person for who they are and not what they did.

So Kyra came those 3000 miles to meet me! someone who did things that scared the shit out of her. After spending a couple of weeks together... she experienced Fire Play and Knife play. She went hope with marks on her body that last well over a year and a few small marks are still there to this day.

I wonder... if she had more exposure to the dogma of this lifestyle... would she of held fast to her apparent limits and not come for the visit that changed her life.... or would she of trusted her instincts like she did and make a life changing decision.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 10

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 10:22:20 AM

Smutmonger

Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline

She is obviously used to playing with "service tops"...as opposed to "Dominants."

Personally-if someone hard limits things I like to do...I'm the same as you. I just write them off as not worth the bother.

But there are a lot of guys out there who will do anything to get thier nut. I just don't like being used as a sex toy-I deserve better.

_____________________________

I didn't get into an alternative lifestyle to explore new frontiers in conformity.

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 11

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 11:43:21 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I have been contacted by many many young women that assume, because they are young and pretty, I will conform to what they want. Not just play activities but in all aspects. They seem confused when I show no interest in them, even get angry.

I don't know if they are used to being the one calling the shots, making the M or D types jump through their hoops or if they are simply that naive. Either way, I don't have the time or desire to converse further with most of them. Let them yank someone else's chains.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 12

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 11:45:39 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The truth is that most men find it sufficiently difficult to find a casual play mate and if in order to play as opposed to sit it out, they have to skip their top three activities, then they will. It is rare to have a man turn them down.

For a long term relationship obviously compatibility plays a much larger role. But for an hour in a public dungeon, you can usually find enough shared stuff to amuse both of you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Smutmonger)

Post #: 13

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 11:50:50 AM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Limits are fluid

Well said. Limits are negotiable within reason and bounds ...

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 14

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 2:26:47 PM

ReginaMirus

Posts: 240
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I have been contacted by many many young women that assume, because they are young and pretty, I will conform to what they want. Not just play activities but in all aspects. They seem confused when I show no interest in them, even get angry.

I don't know if they are used to being the one calling the shots, making the M or D types jump through their hoops or if they are simply that naive. Either way, I don't have the time or desire to converse further with most of them. Let them yank someone else's chains.

Same here, LaTigresse. And they're easily identifiable because they have pics posted on their profile that make them look like strippers, really have no genuine interest in getting to know me at all.

Yeah. Buzz off, bar whore.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 15

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 3:47:24 PM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Miyani
Well, here's my question. Are your two favorite things actually necessary in every single scene you do? The third favorite isn't a hard limit, why is it out of the question to explore that activity with her?

My OP was really more about her expectation that I would automatically do things her way not a request for suggestions on how to make the situation work although I do appreciate your input.

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to Miyani)

Post #: 16

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 4:13:35 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

It has happened to me from the other side. A few years ago, I was contacted on another site by a dominant man who lived in my town. I was interested because he was local. When I read his profile, he made it clear that he wanted a bi-female submissive. So when I wrote him back I told him that unfortunately I am not bi, I'm not even bi-curious. He wanted to meet anyway and declared it 'was no big deal'. I pointed out that he had mentioned it at least 5 times in his profile and I believed it most certainly was a big deal to him. He wanted to argue about it, but I didn't see the point of trying to make it work because it would only lead to problems. I stopped answering his emails and eventually he went away.
A lot of people think they can change for someone else, or maybe worse, get the other person to change. That scenario seldom has a happy ending.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 17

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 5:41:49 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

It sounds to me like she didn't understand why you weren't open to casual play with things that both of you liked, just because your tastes weren't a perfect match for a LTR. It's also entirely possible that after she'd played with you a few times, that she might trust you more and be more open to the other activities - I think some people misuse the term "hard limits." Anyway, you decided not to play with her, so no matter why that is, it was rude of her to keep pushing.

Regina, since the OP was about casual play, not relationships, I'm a little confused about why you feel that women who want specific kinds of play, or who don't want other kinds of play, are being such horrible human beings. If you aren't compatible, that's fine, but calling them bar whores seems kind of over the top and bitter.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 4/20/2010 5:44:02 PM >

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 18

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 7:15:34 PM

Drifa

Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline

As a submissive, I can't imagine continuing to come on to a dominant who had indicated that they were not interested in what I had to offer. I am usually VERY much paying attention to indications of what a dominant wants/expects, and responding to that.

Once in a relationship with a dominant that I can trust, I am more willing to try new things. But I still have certain things that are just hard limits that I'm not going to do, no matter what. If a dominant's happiness was at stake if those things were not included, I would not want to be their partner. Why on earth would I want to get with someone then make them unhappy? That's sort of the opposite of what I want!

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 19

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/20/2010 8:11:41 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

I don't play. If a majority of my biggest must haves are on his hard limit list, he will potentially be my great friend. Not my slave. We're not a good D/s match, period.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Dominants: Has this ever happened to you?

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.125