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LadyNTrainer -> RE: What if a Domina really likes sex (5/3/2010 10:09:25 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
So what about that thorny old stereotype - being picked up and taken to the bed? Fits perfectly into the 'white knight / damsel' image which so many dommes claim to love - but surely this is deeply inappropriate behaviour for a malesub with all you majestic femdoms?
It totally depends on the dynamic that particular couple has, and what's going on in their respective heads at the time this is happening. The answer may surprise you. There is no such thing as "inappropriate" in kink between consenting adults, unless we're talking about stuff that causes them not to ever be allowed to come back to the Howard Johnson's again. If it's something the dominant enjoys and the submissive is pleased, honored and excited to provide, then it works for them.
I'm not so much personally interested in being the damsel as I am the Lady, but I'm also not interested in being so remote and majestic that I can't be touched. There is this about building really high pedestals: it's pretty boring and lonely standing way up there, and if you ever fall from it because you are human rather than a perfect piece of cold marble statuary, chances are both of you will get hurt.
Mainstream society fills us full of cliches and assumptions about romantic love and sex, some of which are contradictory. The notion that a man having penetrative sex with a woman is automatically being dominant does tend to be the default assumption, especially if he feels strong and intense sexual desire and she enjoys that desire. This is quite a prevalent assumption in our culture - though by no means in all cultures around the world. As a result, the generic femdom stereotype is remarkably sex-negative, and frankly I think that's one of the reasons we don't see nearly enough women flocking to this particular banner who might actually enjoy it if it didn't come off like just another version of "Nice girls don't do that."
Nice girls may not, but fully grown adult women get to, if they know what they want and have the guts to take it. And that, in a nutshell, is what being a dominant woman is. It's not about dressing like a hooker and catering to what men say their fantasies are without taking the time to think about what you actually want, what actually turns you on and makes you wet and gives you great orgasms. And being oriented in such a way that it also turns you on to take control of your partner and make damn sure you get exactly that.
This is the stuff that some male fetishists just don't want to hear, because all they're into is their monomegalithic brand of kink. They aren't actually all that interested in pleasing their partners, unless of course what pleases their partners is exactly what pleases them. A "real domme" is one who only forces them to do the one thing they want to do, and does not demand they provide her with actual female-centric sexual titillation and powerful stud service that will get her hot, wet, and off. Convenient, neh? So no, I'm not playing that game unless I'm being paid for it. Then it's a perfectly fair exchange. Otherwise, "femdom" becomes all about using me to get somebody else's kink on, and being used doesn't turn me on. I mean, duuuh, I'm a dominant. What did you think a dominant was? Oh yeah. Never mind. *sigh* And that's why there aren't anywhere near as many femdoms as male submissives active in the scene. Too many of the women who actually are wired this way take one look at the "femdom" shit they are stereotypically supposed to do and think and be, and go "Euwww. That's not me, and that's not hot, and I'm outta here".
Your fault, guys. If you want to change it, try actually focusing on female sexuality and what gets us hot and what makes us happy. Muscular guys in chains who want to hurt and suffer for us and then fuck us silly, hell yes. Pretty bois who can be seriously sexy in a genderbending way, extra points if you make out with other pretty bois, yummy. Men with a sense of style and personal grooming who work on being confident and attractive, great. Be handsome (or pretty) and romantic, offer yourself and the mind and body you have taken time to work on making attractive, and you've got our attention. But if you get off on how much you don't get your partner off, if your idea of fun is to *not* be attractive to women, don't be real surprised if there aren't many takers. And don't be surprised if women actually run the other way and never come back to the scene if they think this is how it's supposed to be. If you do not make yourself hot, and focus on what gets us hot, then it is No Fucking Fun for us and we'd probably rather go see a movie with our girlfriends. Or go beat and fuck a hot stud who can take it and then give us all he's got. Cause you ain't got it. So work it till you do, baby, then get back to us.
Back to the femdom couple you were mentioning. My personal picture of them goes something like this. The candlelight makes long shadows where the rippling muscles play under his skin. Glistening with the sweat and blood and tears he has given up willingly for her sake, he is bloody but unbroken. Heroic. The strength of him is impressive, and he brings it to her service effortlessly, tirelessly. Even now, when his bruises are the darkest shadows of all, and every movement must be a deep and painful reminder, his strength belongs to her. He lifts his Lady in his arms and bears her to her bedchamber. He knows that his suffering excites her as much as it excites him, and that she will demand to take inside herself all the sexual power and passion that he has to give, and then some. He will give until it hurts, and then he will give still more. Because he is a knight, and she is his Lady.
That's equally as corny as any Harlequin romance where the idea is "dominant knight, swooning damsel who is overwhelmed by him", but it illustrates the meme. I can't, personally, identify with the swooning damsel meme. I very much appreciate male strength and power and passion, and I actually know what to do with it, and how to get it when I want it. I'm not going to swoon and put my hand to my forehead at the sight of a hardon. I like what I see and I'm going to get me some. That's what males are for. They are strong, so they are good for taking suffering and fucking and doing strong, useful things in my service. And for the most part, strong men who have grown out of the little boy selfish stage do want to serve. They want to be really useful and helpful to the women in their life. If they're dominantly inclined, that can translate to wanting to rescue a damsel in distress and protect her, and perhaps he'll also enjoy putting her in distress to emphasize the dynamic of his strength and power to either protect her or torment her. If a strong man is submissively inclined, he fits very well into the role of the knight who serves, obeys, and loves his Lady with all his heart, and wishes to suffer and sacrifice for her pleasure. Works for me.
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