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Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:12:47 PM

SincereStrict

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Joined: 4/24/2010
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Long story short....

My slave and I have been together for 7 months and admittedly in love for 4. We have made plans for her to move to Me and have had a great relationship. There have been a few tough times/disagreements and most over misunderstandings due to long distance.

The other day, we both were having a bad day and out chat got a bit out of hand due to frustrations on both parts. I said a few things referring to her not being a slave. The chat ended abruptly and later I got a message asking for release.

After more discussion, she is convinced she is not good enough for Me. I explained that words were exchanged over frustration and that she has been everything I have ever wanted and needed. She has given up alot for Me and have talked about sooo much for our future.

My question is....should I grant her release? She has been crying every since just thinking of it and I do not want release. I want to learn from this and grow but she is being diligent about thinking she isn't good for Me.

Any replies would be appreciated

Post #: 1

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:16:08 PM

AquaticSub

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~Fast Reply~

Do you want a slave that doesn't want to belong to you? If yes, go ahead and refuse the release and wait for her to gather up the guts to walk without it.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SincereStrict)

Post #: 2

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:18:59 PM

SincereStrict

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Thanks.....and this is what I am pondering but she told Me today and yesterday that she loves Me and is crying when she thinks about being released. She thinks she is not what I want but I have assured her that she is everything I have EVER wanted.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 3

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:23:33 PM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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This is just me and others will certainly view it differently but... if you break up/release/etc you can start over. I see withholding release as forcing someone to stay with you when they don't want to. It's not something I have respect for.

You can tell her that you only release once and you are giving her X amount of time to think about it and you need her final answer by such-and-such date, explain yourself again but it does boil down to: Do you want someone who is trying to leave you?

To be completely cynical - she might be telling you she doesn't deserve you because she doesn't want to tell you the real reason she wants release. Or maybe that is the real reason. It still boils down to are you going to try and make her stay.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 4/24/2010 2:24:39 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SincereStrict)

Post #: 4

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:23:42 PM

Aylee

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You are 48. You should know enough by now to not spout off with hurtful things during a conversation. Being frustrated or not, is no reason to be verbally cruel and an ass. Perhaps you two should put the D/S on hold while you learn to control your mouth.

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(in reply to SincereStrict)

Post #: 5

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:29:44 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
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1) What you said wounded her deeply. She's obviously very hurt by it. Hearts break. Next time be careful what you say. Its not just the words, but the genuine feelings behind them, that hurt.

2) Long distance is a challenge that not everyone is up for, over time. Respect that.

3) She sounds emotionally fragile and lacking in self-esteem. These are things that you can't cure. Only she can.

What specific reasons does she give, for her feelings of unworthiness? Just curious.

4) She will release herself from you whether or not you want it, as long as that's what works for her. You don't have to grant it. If she felt the need, you must respect her right to do what's best for her. Tell her you'll always love her or whatever, but she's not yours unless she wants to be. You apparently said, felt, and did things that hurt her too much, over time. She's gone. Get over it. Live and learn.

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(in reply to SincereStrict)

Post #: 6

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:31:38 PM

windchymes

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Sounds to me like she's manipulating you into begging her not to leave, is actually trying to lay a guilt trip on you, and that she's highly into melodrama. If it were me, I'd call her bluff and release her. I bet she scrambles to show you how worthy she thinks she actually is.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 4/24/2010 2:32:47 PM >

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Post #: 7

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:35:46 PM

SincereStrict

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Joined: 4/24/2010
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Thanks for your insight. As far as the convo went, I had been working an unusual amount of time this week and she was frustrated that we hadn't talked much.(even though we had still exchanged 'text mail' daily and chatted at night) she started in by saying things that were wrong and I sidestepped them and tried to explain that the work would end this week. Well she kept on digging and digging, being very disrespectful (VERY unlike her) untill I just blew. It was My fault but she later admitted she was trying to piss Me off cause of her frustration.

What I don't understand is that if she really wants release, why is she spending all day in her room crying? She said it kills her to think of Me releasing her.

I do like your suggestion of giving her a period of time to reconsider.

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 8

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:37:43 PM

SincereStrict

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Joined: 4/24/2010
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No, she is very non dramatic......this is VERY unlike anything I have ever seen in her.

she is an amazing woman....very commited and dedicated. I was planning on the rest of My life with her.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 9

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:43:09 PM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
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The easy answer to me, seems as her enslavement runs so deep, is to tell her to shut up about it, she is not being released and that is the end of it.

Of course its all BS. Even if someone is internally enslaved, a process that takes years, the moment the enslaved thinks a situation is bad enough that she wants to leave, it's game over, they are not internally enslaved anymore.

After 7 months in an LDR she is not enslaved, therefore her asking for release is a way of getting your attention.

Should you release her? Dunno, can you deal with the manipulation?

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 10

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:52:29 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

It sounds like you may have hurt her, or broken her trust beyond what you have the ability to repair.

quote:

The other day, we both were having a bad day and out chat got a bit out of hand due to frustrations on both parts. I said a few things referring to her not being a slave.

quote:

she has been everything I have ever wanted and needed. She has given up alot for Me

Something to think about. You are the leader...where did you think you were leading this relationship when you let your temper take control of your mouth? Don't answer that, just think it over for next time. Also, buy a book about fighting fairly...attacking the problems and issues without going after the person themselves. My neighbor's wife had to take an anger management class, and learning to fight fairly was part of it. I don't know if this will be of any help to you.

As for your question, if you can't put things right and get her to change her mind then it's my opinion that you have to release her, unless you want to deal with legal problems.
....................................
Looking over my post, I came off more abrupt than what I intended. (I'm having cramps.) Anyway, long distance relationships are often difficult to manage and I've seen this situation making women more insecure. What you said didn't add to her security. :)

I think you made a big mistake in attacking her sense of self, her feeling of being a slave.

< Message edited by CynthiaWVirginia -- 4/24/2010 3:13:43 PM >

(in reply to SincereStrict)

Post #: 11

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:54:13 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SincereStrict

No, she is very non dramatic......this is VERY unlike anything I have ever seen in her.

I'm not sure you can draw this conclusion based on just online interaction.

I'd say its a red flag. If you two can't get to discussing the real issues without yet more emotion (crying, devastation, manipulations, stubbornly refusing let her go and so on), the whirlpool of drama will be all you two will have.

January

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(in reply to SincereStrict)

Post #: 12

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:54:14 PM

SincereStrict

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Joined: 4/24/2010
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Thanks for your reply. What baffles Me is that her reasoning for wanting release is that she can never be good enough for Me after I have told her a hundred times that she is everything and more. We have talked alot since then, (Thursday) and at first I told her I would release her Monday if she still feels that way. Then I thought more and told Myself no, I have put alot of time and effort into training her and that we should work this thru and learn from it.

Just not sure now.

(in reply to subsfaith)

Post #: 13

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:56:38 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
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I'm finding it difficult to imagine a BIGGER screw up than accusing *your* girl of not being a slave.... That sort of comment cuts deep and any dumb vanilla over 40 orta know that.

If she wants a release, I'd grant it but what I would NOT do is make it an adversarial act, not if you really care about each other. You fucked-up first and you've got a lot of ground to make up and a 'release' is one way to start over.

One thing; humour me.... This long distance and being in love etc - you two have actually met and spent r/l quality time together, right?

Focus.

_____________________________

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Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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Post #: 14

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 2:59:56 PM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SincereStrict

Thanks for your reply. What baffles Me is that her reasoning for wanting release is that she can never be good enough for Me after I have told her a hundred times that she is everything and more. We have talked alot since then, (Thursday) and at first I told her I would release her Monday if she still feels that way. Then I thought more and told Myself no, I have put alot of time and effort into training her and that we should work this thru and learn from it.

Just not sure now.

Hold on... So you told her would release her Monday if she still wants it and then changed your mind?

Gee, I can't imagine why she might want to leave.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SincereStrict)

Post #: 15

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 3:28:23 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

quote:

What baffles Me is that her reasoning for wanting release is that she can never be good enough for Me after I have told her a hundred times that she is everything and more.

Sometimes things said in anger seem to carry more weight than things said when we are calm. Nobody can read your woman better than you can, if this is r/t and not just online romance, because we can't read her face, pupil dialation, body language, etc.

(in reply to SincereStrict)

Post #: 16

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 3:50:51 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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OP, you blew it. Plain and simple. You need to review what you thought/what you said about her not being a slave. That was an incredibly hurtful thing.

She's rethinking everything. She is in love with you, but she does not want a relationship in which you deny her her self identity whenever you get frustrated. Right now, you two are in the honeymoon phase still, so she is right in thinking that it won't get any better.

Why is it that you are not willing to move on? You have said that you are in love with her, and that you have invested time in training her. And you blame your outburst on losing self control due to work pressures.

I have bad feeling about things, but suggest that you call a time out - a two week period with no contact. When that time is over, you come to the table with an acknowledgment of how you screwed up, and steps you will take to not let it happen in the future, and she come to the table with the exact same thing, because there will be other weeks you're just as unavailable.

See if you can resolve things. This will be more important than any online play is.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

Post #: 17

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 4:19:13 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

1. Expectations about a relationship don't count until you have a grasp of the reality of the relationship.

2. A grasp of the reality of the relationship involves honest, open communication and interaction between both who are involved in the relationship.

3. A lack of productive communication and interaction = a lack of a relationship.

I honestly believe that you've both got this arse end backwards from start to finish. You've already decided that you're Master and slave but you haven't even got a basic relationship between the two of you as human beings.

I mean, what sort of a relationship breaks down as a result of a heated discussion or something said in the heat of the moment?

The answer? A relationship involving two people who don't know each other well enough to have a relationship in the first place.

The solution? Well I guess if you're happy having unstable Master/slave relationships you can both try and muddle your way through this pig's ear that you call a relationship and hope for the best. If you do I wish you both the very best of luck.

However if you're both serious about this relationship I'd strongly suggest you both kick this Master/slave element of the relationship into touch for the time being and put in a bit more effort at getting to know each other and develop better ways of understanding and communicating with each other before going back to a dynamic.

Master/slave isn't an alternative to a vanilla relationship, but an additional element on top of a vanilla relationship.

Either way I wish you both the very best of luck.

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(in reply to SincereStrict)

Post #: 18

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 4:40:54 PM

Andalusite

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Joined: 1/25/2009
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If you are going to keep the relationship with her, I think it might be wise to back off on the M/s dimension until you can spend more time in person, where she can actually serve you. Focusing on the relationship and getting to know each other better is a good idea. Unlike several of the other people who have posted here, I think that saying that right now, she isn't behaving in the way you expect of a slave, so you are choosing not to use that relationship label until it fits again is perfectly reasonable. I am my Master's slave, but I am a slave only as it applies to my relationship with *him*, not as my identity. When we were dating, before I became his slave and his girlfriend, we discussed his expectations of a slave compared to a submissive, and I tried to ensure that I could *realistically* meet his requirements before making that commitment. If I were to say things that were disrespectful, if I were fighting with him, then reevaluating whether or not the M/s dynamic still fit our *reality* seems like it would be reasonable. I'd hope that it wouldn't come to that, and that we could still salvage the *relationship*, and hopefully get back on track with the dynamic as well.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 19

RE: Opinions on release - 4/24/2010 4:41:19 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I personally don't think it's up to you. Then again I think the whole idea of "release" is absurd.

If you don't want to be with someone, leave.

If you don't want someone to be with you, kick them to the curb.

Simple.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 20

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