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Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 8:46:35 PM   
UnFlinchingEye


Posts: 17
Joined: 5/4/2010
Status: offline 		I find myself in the unenviable position of being involved with someone who professes a serious interest in 24/7 D/s or M/s life, but it doesn't really show at all. I'm not going to do the whole "not a real X" BS, but I'm having trouble setting context of the relationship due to what seems to be a serious dislike of communication on her part. Stressing the importance of setting boundaries and principles generally ends with an " I don't know." and attempts at guidance result in defensiveness and phrases like "You don't have to find something to be angry with me about every day!". The latter sort of comment pops up even while I'm using an even tone and am explaining how I'm feeling. Any advice aside from the expected "Get out!"?
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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:04:41 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UnFlinchingEye

Any advice aside from the expected "Get out!"?


Wellll....., no!

You're not sensing a serious lack of mutual chemistry? You want a relationship where you have to "walk on eggshells" and end up second-guessing everything you say before you say it?

A relationship implies you can relate. Or how about, "If something looks, walks and quacks like a duck, it's a freakin' duck!" Do yourself a BIG favour - get out!

Errrr, out of the "relationship" - but welcome to the Forums.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to UnFlinchingEye)
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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:11:14 PM   
UnFlinchingEye


Posts: 17
Joined: 5/4/2010
Status: offline 		Honestly, that is my gut feeling (and head actually), but the situation is signifcantly more complicated than that. If I just had myself into a "gotta go" situation I wouldn't feel nearly as backed into a corner.

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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:12:52 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		yeah you're right..I don't envy you.

Personally I think you're screwed. It sounds like you're both on different levels and simply incompatible.

If it were me in your position..and it has been at one time...I'd run, not walk.

(in reply to Focus50)
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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:18:06 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		What the hell situation could you find yourself in that you can't leave? Some one decides they have an interest in 24/7 with you and they determine the style of communication. And you're the dominant who can't leave?

Okay, it's late and I must be very tired. This makes no sense to me. I just cannot imagine a helpless dominant.


_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:18:51 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		You know I have to admit I started to look up your profile to see what role you were in and caught myself, bad me, because it doesn't matter either way. ALL relationships, irregardless of role and/or kink need communication to work. If you don't feel that you can communicate with this person (and it sounds like you have even attempted to evaluate your approach and modify it for better results) there is no way to get both of your needs met. Which in my opinion is the basic formula for success in any relationship.

I'm always hesitant to say on these forums "get out" because I'm aware that it's always more complicated than we know and there's always two sides to every story. It's not important that WE hear your side or hers, it's important that you BOTH hear each others. Have you tried just talking about the concept of open communication without getting into the specifics of relationship parameters? Sorry, that's all I can come up with...communication really is the key.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:26:32 PM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~

So other than "Get out," my suggestion would be to discuss what each of you see as your role in the d/s thing, with or without 24/7.

You could also try having them write it out instead of verbalizing it.  Sometimes it helps to organize thoughts. 

One other thought is when the other person says, "I don't know," to ask them when they will know.  A day, a week, a month?  And then hold them to that and re-ask the question. 

Best of luck.

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to laurell3)
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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:26:44 PM   
UnFlinchingEye


Posts: 17
Joined: 5/4/2010
Status: offline 		You are correct. Honestly, I'm just communicating within a community here. I seriously doubt the "magic bullet" is forthcoming. Suffice it to say that she is good enough at talking the game that I'm far enough in that seperating is a legal matter that is not feasible at the moment, because it would interfere with an adoption proceeding. I do not believe that she has explicitly lied to me. She honestly believes she wants what she rails against continually unless she's afraid I'm leaving.

Related and possibly more useful question. Anyone know of a resource to find counselors that are versed in the lifestyle? Something tells me the garden variety kind aren't too schooled on alternative lifestyles.

(in reply to laurell3)
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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:29:12 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I just cannot imagine a helpless dominant.



Ya gotta wait 'til they're asleep, and *quietly* get the leather straps out, attach them (you must be very slow and careful doing this) attach them to the bed, wake him/her up, and insert a ball gag!

Voila! "helpless dominant!"

Erm...not that I know or anything...*whistles innocently*

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to Lockit)
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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:33:42 PM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UnFlinchingEye

Related and possibly more useful question. Anyone know of a resource to find counselors that are versed in the lifestyle? Something tells me the garden variety kind aren't too schooled on alternative lifestyles.


Look for something called K.A.P.  Kink Aware Professionals.  I am sure that someone around here can give you a link-a-doo or you could use the search function in the top right-hand corner of the page underneath the flags, and do a search for that term. 

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to UnFlinchingEye)
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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:34:07 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I just cannot imagine a helpless dominant.



Ya gotta wait 'til they're asleep, and *quietly* get the leather straps out, attach them (you must be very slow and careful doing this) attach them to the bed, wake him/her up, and insert a ball gag!

Voila! "helpless dominant!"

Erm...not that I know or anything...*whistles innocently*


LOL... You won't have to remind me not to sleep around you!


_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to xxblushesxx)
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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:35:33 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I don't know that D's is really the issue.

I suggest setting a task for each of you, to write for ten minutes on "What kind of relationship do I truly want?"  After ten minutes, exchange writings and read what the other one wrote.  Then discuss ways to get there.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:37:37 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		What's more important? Working out some d/s or the adoption proceedings? I would think the other things going on are far more important that a d/s struggle. But then I'm an old mom and grandmother with strange idea's I guess.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:41:49 PM   
UnFlinchingEye


Posts: 17
Joined: 5/4/2010
Status: offline 		The adoption would be the reason that I haven't exited the relationship to this point and don't intend to for the forseeable future., so obviously I've made a value judgement there. That doesn't preclude working on the other issues though.

Addressing the suggestions of writing assignments and the other's point of view the stock answer she gives tends to be "I just want to get along.".

(in reply to Lockit)
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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:42:56 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Then  call her on it.  "In order to get among well, here's what I want from you."


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to UnFlinchingEye)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:50:04 PM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Then  call her on it.  "In order to get among well, here's what I want from you."



Darn-it-all I get so wet when you talk so sensible Steven! 

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:51:34 PM   
UnFlinchingEye


Posts: 17
Joined: 5/4/2010
Status: offline 		That has been a bit of my strategy. I tend to hamstring myself by not being satisfied with a relationship where I dictate everything and succed by browbeating her into it, until the inevitable acting out.

(in reply to Aylee)
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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 9:56:04 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

attempts at guidance result in defensiveness and phrases like "You don't have to find something to be angry with me about every day!"

This leapt out at me. Is she new to the lifestyle (your post sounds like it)? When I was very new, I know that I was hypersensitive to criticism from my Dom, to the point of it causing issues in the relationship. He got off on "correcting" me, never realizing that I took his words quite seriously, or that I needed positive reinforcement to balance things out. I constantly felt like I was failing him, which is the last thing I wanted. Needless to say, it didn't end too well.
Just another perspective for you to consider.


_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to UnFlinchingEye)
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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 10:01:43 PM   
UnFlinchingEye


Posts: 17
Joined: 5/4/2010
Status: offline 		Well, at this point the situation has been going on for a LONG time, but other than that we're both somewhat new to things. The constant feeling of having failed is a common complaint of hers, but I'm not sure how to get around that. I have to issue guidance and correction or what's the point, and positive reenforcement seems to go right over her head. Once she feels like a failure its all forgotten. Any insight into a better way to approach her is certainly appreciated.

(in reply to WyldHrt)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/7/2010 10:05:00 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		I have to pop in to work just now, but will get back to this thread in a bit. 

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to UnFlinchingEye)
Profile   Post #: 20
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