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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/10/2010 2:43:37 PM

windchymes

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There are an awful lot of snap judgements being made here without hearing the other side of the story. Just sayin'.

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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/10/2010 2:57:03 PM

mnottertail

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Well, kick the whold fuck-o-ree to the curb, then.

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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/10/2010 4:28:24 PM

GraciousLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

There are an awful lot of snap judgements being made here without hearing the other side of the story. Just sayin'.

I totaly agree with this windchymes. He asked for input based on his side and we, in our best internet fashion, told him. You made me think of the saying, There are 3 sides to every story. Mine, yours and the truth. Who knows whats actually going on here? The thing that seems certain and is very upsetting is they are about to involve a child in this relationship. If so, then we have to all agree that would be a bad idea even if the problem is only in the eye of the OP. Someone had asked if the adoption was another sub but the OP said it would be a legal issue and, to me, that would not be an issue if the adoption was of an adult.

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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/10/2010 5:54:50 PM

DesFIP

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Years ago I knew a woman who couldn't have a second child. She and her husband adopted a child from Central America. Very shortly after he served her with divorce papers, leaving her with their child and the adopted one. She was overwhelmed and the adopted child did not bond well. She was honest enough to say that if he hadn't been a total shit and done this to her, if instead he told her before he wanted out, that she would never have gone through with the adoption. At the time the child most needed a mother, she was unavailable due to the pain from being blindsided like this.

I hope that the op does not plan to emulate the ex of this woman. Not only did he walk, he abandoned his own child as well and never paid a dime in child support.

Be honest, tell her if she wasn't in the middle of the adoption proceedings you would be long gone. Tell her you don't propose to have any relationship with her or the child. Let her decide her own future based on the truth.

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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/10/2010 7:23:51 PM

UnFlinchingEye

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I can see I needed to be a bit clearer regarding the adoption issue. The adoption is of her biological child that already knows me as her father. The legal adoption is to both protect the child legally from her deadbeat biological father and to insure me legal status as her father. I accepted both of them into my house and the fact that the things have gone badly with her mother does not make it acceptable for me to cut my daughter loose. Regardless of everything else I said "I will be your father." and I did mean it. Hence why a quick dissolution is not feasible at the moment. I mention it to quell the "wtf are you two doing adopting!" advice. I'm already her father, its just legal protection at this point. As to how I let it get this far into screwed up, all I can say is its easy to make some stupid decisions when you're overseas.

And yes, there are of course other sides of the story. I am a most difficult individual to live with.

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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/10/2010 7:30:56 PM

GraciousLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: UnFlinchingEye

I can see I needed to be a bit clearer regarding the adoption issue. The adoption is of her biological child that already knows me as her father. The legal adoption is to both protect the child legally from her deadbeat biological father and to insure me legal status as her father. I accepted both of them into my house and the fact that the things have gone badly with her mother does not make it acceptable for me to cut my daughter loose. Regardless of everything else I said "I will be your father." and I did mean it. Hence why a quick dissolution is not feasible at the moment. I mention it to quell the "wtf are you two doing adopting!" advice. I'm already her father, its just legal protection at this point. As to how I let it get this far into screwed up, all I can say is its easy to make some stupid decisions when you're overseas.

And yes, there are of course other sides of the story. I am a most difficult individual to live with.

I totaly understand. And, if it all falls apart tomorrow it seems you will love your daughter and be there for her.

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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/10/2010 7:37:55 PM

ishyB

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GraciousLady

quote:

ORIGINAL: UnFlinchingEye

I can see I needed to be a bit clearer regarding the adoption issue. The adoption is of her biological child that already knows me as her father. The legal adoption is to both protect the child legally from her deadbeat biological father and to insure me legal status as her father. I accepted both of them into my house and the fact that the things have gone badly with her mother does not make it acceptable for me to cut my daughter loose. Regardless of everything else I said "I will be your father." and I did mean it. Hence why a quick dissolution is not feasible at the moment. I mention it to quell the "wtf are you two doing adopting!" advice. I'm already her father, its just legal protection at this point. As to how I let it get this far into screwed up, all I can say is its easy to make some stupid decisions when you're overseas.

And yes, there are of course other sides of the story. I am a most difficult individual to live with.

I totaly understand. And, if it all falls apart tomorrow it seems you will love your daughter and be there for her.

Second that, and as one of the ones who were so worried about this whole addoption thing, I also would like to say:

OP I greatly respect that you would still keep the responsibility you assumed for this child even though you might not keep the relationship. This speaks of class, character and a sense of accountability and responsibility that is too seldom seen these days.

Brave, really, bravo

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RE: Serious Communication Issues, advice appreciated - 5/11/2010 4:06:26 AM

DesFIP

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It is admirable that you propose to adopt her child. However, do you also propose to continue a relationship with the mother? Does she know how profoundly unhappy you are? It does not appear that you know how profoundly unhappy she is.

Because people who feel safe don't deflect difficult questions with "I don't know". People who are afraid of telling their partner the truth for fear of their response do that.

Marriage counseling for the two of you. As well perhaps as individual to deal with both your past baggage. But you need to learn how to listen as well as talk. Which means without getting angry and defensive. Have you folks considered writing each other the truths you cannot say face to face?

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