Andalusite
Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jbcurious
It's also more then just the trust factor, it's also about fear of failure... I would doubt a D/M is going to get much satisfaction out of a situation if the s/s is just gritting their teeth to get through it. I think that understanding and knowing you're on the same page would help to keep that from happening.
I missed this earlier! Actually, when my Master and I were dating, before I became his, I specifically asked him to hurt me until I started crying one time. I needed to know how I would respond to "bad pain" with him. So far, I've only been able to submit to someone in other aspects of my life if I can submit to them in terms of taking more pain than I can normally handle, and still having it be an overall positive, if bittersweet, experience.
On the flip side, someone who is stoic and toughs it out isn't nearly as much to play with as someone who is on the edge of what they can handle, and reacting to it. I don't need to inflict "x" amount of pain on my playpartner, or hit her with a specific amount of force or number of times. I just want to make her squeal, squirm, whimper, jerk away, yelp, and otherwise *react* in yummy ways. It doesn't always turn me on per se, but it really feeds my sadistic side to be able to wring a big reaction out of a little pinch to her nipples or the insides of her thighs, that barely leaves a pink spot, while making her fly by using needles tends to make her feel good. I like doing that to her, too, but it doesn't sate me, since she doesn't experience it as pain, for the most part.
quote:
ORIGINAL: jbcurious
After having it drilled into me on the forums that the most important thing to do is to choose a Dom carefully...I'm surprised that asking questions and getting the info you need in order to make that choice would be considered manipulative.
...
Instead of thinking only of the pain involved, I can focus on the pleasure it brings him. So for me knowing the motivation had a profound effect on my belief that I will have the ability please.
Not everyone took issue with what I had to say, but a lot of people really reacted to the word "testing" without apparently bothering to read what I said. It really upset me that people kept claiming that I was being covert and dishonest, even though I had I thought made it crystal clear that I was up-front about what I was doing. http://www.collarchat.com/m_2619693/mpage_1/tm.htm I've had posters get upset with me for saying that I screened people out for various reasons, even though I tried to make it clear that there was nothing wrong with them, they just wouldn't be a good match for me!
I am a masochist, but I can take a lot more pain for someone who I feel submissive toward than I can cope with normally. I would suggest waiting until you experience what he wants you to take before automatically declaring that it will be erotic. If he's very aware of your body language, and mixes in pleasure with pain, or if you get into that headspace with him, that's fantastic, but it's difficult to know ahead of time how you will respond. Your pain tolerance is likely to increase over time, especially if you use various strategies for better pain management. If it doesn't work out the way you envision the first time, don't feel like a wimp or a failure, or assume that he's automatically the wrong man for you. Be honest with him about how you actually are reacting, and ask him before you start playing how he wants you to handle it if you are struggling to take what he is dishing out.
quote:
ORIGINAL: jbcurious
I don't think of him in terms of Master or Dom but as a man who challenges me to be the most open and giving woman I have in me to be. I'll never be his sub or his slave... simply his.
My Master prefers to call me his slave, but he sometimes calls me "pet" or "kitty" instead. If he chose to call me his submissive, his wench, his little girl, his doormat, or just by a vanilla endearment, it wouldn't change my submission toward him, my desire to obey him and become more what he wants of me, my deferring to him in all areas he chooses to control. The labels don't matter, our interaction does.  He does inspire that "passionate intensity" you speak of, and I hope that you find that with your potential Dominant as well. If it doesn't work out, though, try not to feel embarrassed. It is valuable to try, to open yourself up and be vulnerable, to be willing to explore. Hopefully you will get what you desire as well, but the attempt is the important thing.
< Message edited by Andalusite -- 5/10/2010 7:53:52 AM >
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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 
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I usually can have a pretty good guess about how he will react to something, or what he thinks about something (if it comes up on the forums). Sometimes I'll confirm it with him, or just initiate a discussion about something I've read here, and he's patient about it. 
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