RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important?

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 5 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 6:27:20 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Let me chime in from the other side of the kneel.

It's huge for me. If she wants to be spanked solely because she likes the sensation, that's fine but it means that I don't have enough power to make me happy. If she wants to be spanked solely because I like it, I've found a match. And if she likes it for both reasons...

Summing up, I don't want a do-me sub. I want one who is driven to please me.

So, If I enjoy something that he does to me, that makes me a do me sub?

No. If it's solely about you liking it, and nothing about me liking it, then you are a do-me sub. If you like it as well, that's the best.

Thanks for clarifying. I had a feeling that's what you meant. I agree.

_____________________________

The Red

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 6:28:46 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I read his profile. Now I have to clean my keyboard

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to thishereboi)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 6:31:40 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I read his profile. Now I have to clean my keyboard

You got THAT hot and bothered by it?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to myotherself)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 6:33:00 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Does it count as squirting if it's cola out of your nose?

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 6:34:08 AM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

Only if you are singing the "tiny bubbles in my nose" song at the time.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to myotherself)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 6:37:29 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Guess I'll just keep practising!

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to thishereboi)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 6:39:25 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

liar

Was I that obvious? *sigh* I try soooooooo hard.

Anyway, back to the OP: I think for any relationship it is a combination of love and trust in my world. If someone I love - a friend or a family member or a sweetie - wants me to do something without telling me why, my doing it is often based on trusting their judgment. They don't get that trust if they haven't earned it by showing a good foundation of their way of looking at things, their reasoning for doing what they do. If they don't have a history like that, then I'll be needing an explanation.

Best,
sunshine

*eta: If this post does not make sense or I said something stoopid, it's because I'm half asleep. Insomniacs of the world... do something. *grumble mumble...

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 5/9/2010 6:52:45 AM >

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to thishereboi)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 7:06:07 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

What was important to me prior to him becoming my parnter was to understand who he was. Understanding his kinks and why he wanted to engage in them was not a high priority. Understanding the core of who he is and what motivates him througout his life was crucial into making the decision to be his slave.

quote:

that the fact that they command should be reason enough for obedience.

Honestly, that has always been the case with me and him even before I became his slave. Because it was the case is one of the reasons why I became his. There was always something about him that drew out my submission. If he wanted something (no matter what the reason) I wanted to do it for him. I may have scared, nervous and hesitant, but my motivation was to do his will.

In the beginning of our relationship, he would allow me to ask permission to ask a why question. Sometimes he gave me permission and sometimes he didn't. His expectation was always that I would obey, whether I knew why or not. Then sometimes when he gave permission to ask, he would answer "because I said so". If I were to ask why now, "because I said so" would be the answer and I would be expected to do his will.

I didn't want to ask why because I needed to know in order to do his will. I have wanted to know in order to understand his wants and desires. For us, that is a big distinction. If I needed to know why he wanted something in order to be willing to do it, then we would not have been a match. He wants a partner who is motivated to do his will simply because it is his will.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to jbcurious)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 7:31:27 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

For us it's very simple. He does things to me because it makes him hard.

I love you!

Even if he has made you all fucked up and soft

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 7:42:14 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

What was important to me prior to him becoming my parnter was to understand who he was. Understanding his kinks and why he wanted to engage in them was not a high priority. Understanding the core of who he is and what motivates him througout his life was crucial into making the decision to be his slave.

quote:

that the fact that they command should be reason enough for obedience.

Honestly, that has always been the case with me and him even before I became his slave. Because it was the case is one of the reasons why I became his. There was always something about him that drew out my submission. If he wanted something (no matter what the reason) I wanted to do it for him. I may have scared, nervous and hesitant, but my motivation was to do his will.

In the beginning of our relationship, he would allow me to ask permission to ask a why question. Sometimes he gave me permission and sometimes he didn't. His expectation was always that I would obey, whether I knew why or not. Then sometimes when he gave permission to ask, he would answer "because I said so". If I were to ask why now, "because I said so" would be the answer and I would be expected to do his will.

I didn't want to ask why because I needed to know in order to do his will. I have wanted to know in order to understand his wants and desires. For us, that is a big distinction. If I needed to know why he wanted something in order to be willing to do it, then we would not have been a match. He wants a partner who is motivated to do his will simply because it is his will.

Knight's Kyra

Thanks for your reply and we are still in the "prior to" stage and I believe that if/when we're together that I won't feel any need to ask those questions. What has surprised me in this getting to know stage, which is a lot more than the kink aspects, is that my feelings about an activity can change so drasticly by understanding the motivation behind it.

SM & lally Thanks for your replys as well,

I'm beginning to feel like we could just string my posts together and call it "The Forum Training of J." All of your input has been so helpful in getting me to this point.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 7:42:55 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

lovely post Kyra!

I hope some day to be able to do that for someone too

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 8:01:38 AM

kanina

Posts: 147
Joined: 11/19/2009
Status: offline

If a Dom asks me to drink a glass of water, i will drink it, but then i will ask why, He can either answer that its for whatever reason, or he can answer that its not of my business... but knowing the reason can make me learn or feeling it much deeper...

_____________________________

Non nobis, domine, sed domine Tuo da gloriam

(in reply to jbcurious)

Profile

Post #: 52

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 8:03:38 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
So I'm curious... Do you want your your partner to understand what motivates you? Do you understand your own motivation?

I don't see this as a D/s question, but a relationship question. For me, understanding and being understood by your partner is at the heart of any relationship. There would be no way to have the levels of intimacy I thrive on without it.

My own understanding of myself is, like all of us, flawed. I try to be introspective and honest with myself. But I have yet to meet a person who is able to be totally objective about themselves... that's kind of an oxymoron. I think in many ways, Carol understands me better than I do. I also think I understand her better than she understands herself in a lot of ways.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to jbcurious)

Profile

Post #: 53

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 8:23:44 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
So I'm curious... Do you want your your partner to understand what motivates you? Do you understand your own motivation?
I don't see this as a D/s question, but a relationship question. For me, understanding and being understood by your partner is at the heart of any relationship. There would be no way to have the levels of intimacy I thrive on without it.

My own understanding of myself is, like all of us, flawed. I try to be introspective and honest with myself. But I have yet to meet a person who is able to be totally objective about themselves... that's kind of an oxymoron. I think in many ways, Carol understands me better than I do. I also think I understand her better than she understands herself in a lot of ways.

I agree with you Jeff, it just seems that there is a lot of emphasis put on the D/M to understand the s/s but very little said about the reverse.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 54

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 9:06:57 AM

TomCypress

Posts: 29
Joined: 4/16/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I'm finding that understanding the motivation behind the avtivities in a potential partner makes a huge difference for me and can change how desirable or acceptable something is. Maybe it isn't very subby of me but the idea that someone does something to me or has me do something simply because "he can"... I have difficulty with but when I understand what motivates those things, rather then being difficult they become a desire.

If you haven't seen or read Silence Of the Lambs, an amalgamation of serial Killer, this will not seem so prophetic a statement. This scene F.B.I agent Clarice Starling is questing Hannibal Lecter

Hannibal Lecter: First principles, Clarice. Simplicity. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing ask: what is it in itself? What is its nature? What does he do, this man you seek?
Clarice Starling: He kills women...
Hannibal Lecter: No. That is incidental. What is the first and principal thing he does? What needs does he serve by killing?
Clarice Starling: Anger, um, social acceptance, and, huh, sexual frustrations, sir...
Hannibal Lecter: No! He covets. That is his nature. And how do we begin to covet, Clarice? Do we seek out things to covet? Make an effort to answer now.
Clarice Starling: No. We just...
Hannibal Lecter: No. We begin by coveting what we see every day. Don't you feel eyes moving over your body, Clarice? And don't your eyes seek out the things you want?

imho sums up this thread

" Creativity hone through suffering"

(in reply to myotherself)

Profile

Post #: 55

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 9:09:34 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

So I'm curious... Do you want your your partner to understand what motivates you? Do you understand your own motivation? Or am I just strange in needing this but lucky to have found someone as strange?

It is as important for me to understand what motivates him as it is for him to understand what motivates me.

That said, it's not always easy to explain our motivations in words because we might not always be 100% conscious of all our motivations. This is where getting to know someone at an incremental pace helps us ascertain and understand not only their motivations, but also if they will let us in to help us understand.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to jbcurious)

Profile

Post #: 56

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 9:49:25 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

... Do you want your your partner to understand what motivates you?

... they only need to understand one thing... my motivations orginate from person that I am. so they need to understand who I am. So why do I want to do X... well their answer is "Because that is who I am at that moment!"

quote:

Do you understand your own motivation?

I have a keen awareness of my own motivations... since I am keenly aware of who I am.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Profile

Post #: 57

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 9:57:01 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
I agree with you Jeff, it just seems that there is a lot of emphasis put on the D/M to understand the s/s but very little said about the reverse.

In the movie Avatar, there was that wonderful line, "I see you". For any relationship I consider to have more than trivial value, we both need to see each other. This includes more than simply my primary romantic relationship. The same can be said of my friends. I don't even understand how you can be in a meaningful relationship with someone you cannot see.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to jbcurious)

Profile

Post #: 58

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 11:28:47 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

She does it cuz i told her to do it. Like literally "shut the fuck up and take the pain" If she happens to enjoi it, that is icing on the cake. My girl does it cuz she gets her pleasure out of serving me. I don't need to explain my motives to anyone.

True story. We are sailing thru the night 50 miles from shore and a storm kicks up just like the weather gods had predicted. blowing 30 gusts to 40 or so waves 10 to 15 feet. One of the crew gets scared Ive never seen a grown man so scared and it's his turn to be on deck. He is not wanting to take his turn on deck. Im like you have 2 choices. A Man up get on deck. B. Get out and walk land is 230 straight down.

The moral of the story is. Know the other person BEFORE you sign up. Your motives are of no concern to me. When I needed my crew the most he "tried" to wimp out. This is NOT someone I want as a partner/crew whatever. There are certain situations where there is no time to explain. If your not smart enuff to figure out NOT to ask and simply do as your told I don't want you.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 59

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 12:05:22 PM

reynardfox

Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline

When you really and truly know that have a whole and complete understanding of another human being and are truly sanguine about their motivations.
Could you then catch me a unicorn, locate Lord Lucan and house train me a Dodo?
You would need to be God to know what I'm up to, half the time I'm not sure myself.
Don't bury the pleasures under a mountain of over analysis, just enjoy yourself, and them.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Profile

Post #: 60