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Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 4:47:39 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

Maybe because I still fairly new to the scene (3 years), I'm still in the dark as to how things are approached in BDSM. One of those things being how people interact with each other.

It could just be how I brought up- but I was taught that getting to know people includes neutral conversation(sharing interests, what goes on in your life as a whole, etc...) in trying to get to know the person before you move on to dating and bedroom activies.

Does that not matter here? If the prospect of collaring a person is there, I wish to get to know more about the person outside of their kink interests...since i can just look on their profile to see what they woud be into. We may find that we are two totally different pages and woudn't work out, but how would we know that if we have only discussed play activities?

And I've posted something similar to this before, but does how a person approaches another not a factor here either? Except maybe for a sociopath or rapist, I doubt a person would just waltz candidly up to me on the street and TELL me to urinate on them while calling me their Goddess, or one of my personal favourites, say to me- "bitch get down on all fours and suck me off till I cum all over that pretty little face, then i'll turn you around and fuck your ass until I cum again." I laugh them off and say that i want to get to know them(well maybe not the second one- they get the block button) before anything takes place- and they get offended, keep pushing(or really i should say SHOVING) to meet me in real life after 1 or 2 emails, or stop talking to me.

Maybe I have things a bit twisted- anybody care to share some insight?

Post #: 1

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 4:59:25 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

I reckon that because this is the internet it attracts a higher than normal proportion of socially useless people. Internet denizens are weird in general-not just the kinky ones.

Kinksters I've met at events have been much more normal (with a few notable exceptions) than those who memo me from the other side. Conversation is often dirty and highly charged, but there is also lots of chatting about camping or dance or pets or whatever.

So I think it's not BDSM as a whole-it's CM as a site that lacks the 'get to know someone properly' etiquette.

_____________________________

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(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 2

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 5:02:55 AM

pegbundy

Posts: 565
Joined: 4/3/2010
Status: offline

In my opinion, the rules apply here exactly in the same way they would in any social situation. I expect to be approached respectfully, and engage in "normal" conversation in getting to know anyone. I tend to think that those who do otherwise are actually doing you a favor by letting you know upfront they are not worth the time it would take to get to know them.

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 3

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 5:08:10 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
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i agree with both you and VC, but i wanted to know if it was just me. thats always a possiblity.

(in reply to pegbundy)

Post #: 4

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 5:09:11 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

hmmmm...that rhymes....

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 5

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 5:23:13 AM

GraciousLady

Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline

MissAsylum, many people, especially men, live on the internet in a fanntasy world. They look at things such as the advertisments on this site and think that is real. They believe we are all 19 year old women that weigh 90 lbs wearing leather thongs in some room together beating on each other and having orgies with men or some such weirdness. So when they approach us they think we are all looking for that. In truth the vast majority of us want to talk, go out to dinner, watch TV and go about pretty normal daily lives.

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 6

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 5:43:07 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

If you look at meeting people at clubs and munches or other BDSM and non BDSM outings, my rule of thumb is that I am usually interested enough to learn enough to see if there is some connection with one or more areas in which I am either interested or active in.If not and unless I feel some form of attraction or a desire to interact further, then I see no reason to either learn more or give more information about myself unless it is specifically requested by that person. If there is a connection and especially a mutual interest then I will open up to some extent as we get to know more about each other until I have open up as much as I am prepared to. I will in these cases be willing and wanting to know more about that person as much as they are happy to share with me. Like in the internet, there is only so much information I am prepared to share even to people close to me. Much of my life is compartmentalised and those who do not have the right passes do not enter into those closed realms.

But this is me. I make no apologies nor excuses. It is a take it or leave it situation with me, just as I will respect the closed or hidden areas of others with whom I interact or other wise socialise with. Conversationally, I follow the standards and etiquette of the period my lifestyle is based on and which I was taught as a child and growing up. When faced with rude people in conversations, I mind where I am so I do not insult my host's hospitality but when in the areas outside or away from other people's property, I tend to get overly polite as I ream a new arse hole, or if being pushed or threatened I can happily switch to old fashion Anglo-Saxon/Australian phraseology and appropriate actions.

< Message edited by IronBear -- 5/12/2010 5:45:23 AM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to GraciousLady)

Post #: 7

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 5:47:52 AM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

You are going to meet idiots here, just like you do in the real world. I find it is much easier to just ignore them. But I have a feeling you knew that already and this is more of a chance to rant about them, then to really ask questions.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 8

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 5:58:11 AM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

Maybe because I still fairly new to the scene (3 years), I'm still in the dark as to how things are approached in BDSM. One of those things being how people interact with each other.

It could just be how I brought up- but I was taught that getting to know people includes neutral conversation(sharing interests, what goes on in your life as a whole, etc...) in trying to get to know the person before you move on to dating and bedroom activies.

Does that not matter here? If the prospect of collaring a person is there, I wish to get to know more about the person outside of their kink interests...since i can just look on their profile to see what they woud be into. We may find that we are two totally different pages and woudn't work out, but how would we know that if we have only discussed play activities?

And I've posted something similar to this before, but does how a person approaches another not a factor here either? Except maybe for a sociopath or rapist, I doubt a person would just waltz candidly up to me on the street and TELL me to urinate on them while calling me their Goddess, or one of my personal favourites, say to me- "bitch get down on all fours and suck me off till I cum all over that pretty little face, then i'll turn you around and fuck your ass until I cum again." I laugh them off and say that i want to get to know them(well maybe not the second one- they get the block button) before anything takes place- and they get offended, keep pushing(or really i should say SHOVING) to meet me in real life after 1 or 2 emails, or stop talking to me.

Maybe I have things a bit twisted- anybody care to share some insight?

MissAsylum, I'd like to offer a different perspective in regards to CM and the responses you appear to be recieving. Please understand, this is simply my observation and not a personal attack.

I took a brief glance at your profile and, while very well-written, you portray yourself as "a ProDomme, FinDomme, and Lifestyle Domme" and make it very clear you are not looking for a boyfriend or partner. Could it be that these people who approach you with rudeness and a desire to only be part of the "at your feet" dream simply because they can't look past the words you've written? They want to be part of the fantasy and you appear to them as simply a means to an end.

I'm not trying to excuse their rudeness and lack of manners but instead I'm trying to give a possible reason behind the why.

As others have stated, this is the internet and rudeness abounds...along with fantasy and unfulfilled desires. When I did have a visable profile, I did everything possible to make it clear that knowing the person before meeting their kink was my priority but that didn't stop people from sending the "on your knees bitch" emails. Actually, it wasn't until I stripped all but a couple of kink likes from my list of interests and made no mention of them in my profile and journal that I started to get anything of substance.

One of the mistakes I made when I first began to explore wiitwd was to assume that people would follow a certain protocol in regards to communication and getting to know each other. I've since learned that people are people and the only bearing kink has on their ability to hold an adult conversation is how deep they are in their own little fantasy world.

Block...Delete....Next.

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 9

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 5:59:13 AM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

Some people are looking for kink and others are looking for more than kink. The 'kneel, bitch" approach scares off some folks while the "til death do us part" approach scares off others. Threads like this always amuse me. People looking for partners on a site called CollarMe and wondering why things don't work more like they do on eHarmony or match.com

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 10

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 6:00:55 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

is everything a rant to you?

i asked for clarifiction, not a solution.

yes i know there are idiots here. however- since i am fairly new to the BDSM scene and extremely new in comparison on collarme- how am i supposed to know every way that people interact on here?

if somebody is being a disgusting misogynistic jerk, of course i block them, but like i said, i did not ask for a solution.

if i want to rant, i have a journal on here that i make full use of. You make it seem like i can't be inquisitive and use the forums for what they were designed for.

(in reply to thishereboi)

Post #: 11

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 6:08:40 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

I struggle with this exact problem and I too have always wondered if it was just me. I have on my profile that I'm not looking and I don't have up pictures, but it doesn't stop the flow of ick coming into my mailbox. The only solution I've found is to periodically make my profile invisible when I've had enough and don't want to deal with it.

I think it comes down to expectations. I'm a cheerful and polite person who is good with social situations. I tend to expect that others will treat me as I am prepared to treat them. I view them as people from the start and think that internet meetings are similar to real life...I believe that's where my problem lies. A large proportion of men seem to view me right away not as a person but as a thing therefore it's ok to be stupid and nasty. This type of man also seems to view the internet as a situation where the usual social nicetys don't apply. It's not 'real'.

I've had this same conversation about the disconnect between me thinking people here would look to base their interactions with each other on shared life interests or personality rather than sex with a male friend and he said to me laughing..."You're treating CM like a dating site. You think that the people there care about things like hobbies and life philosophy." He went on to say that he looked at this as a BDSM site and it was about kink. So there you have it...two different people with two different expectations on what we're doing here.

So basically I think this issue has a lot to do with the differences between men and women period. Neither is right or wrong, we're just different. I've tried to grow a thicker skin and not let it bother me and I've been successful in some ways- it seems to roll off better these days.

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 12

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 6:10:37 AM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

is everything a rant to you?
Only the threads that appear to be rants. So far, most of the ones you have started appear that way.

i asked for clarifiction, not a solution.
Clarification that there are assholes on the internet? Yea there are.

yes i know there are idiots here. however- since i am fairly new to the BDSM scene and extremely new in comparison on collarme- how am i supposed to know every way that people interact on here?

if somebody is being a disgusting misogynistic jerk, of course i block them, but like i said, i did not ask for a solution.
No, you just started a thread to bitch about them.

if i want to rant, i have a journal on here that i make full use of. You make it seem like i can't be inquisitive and use the forums for what they were designed for.
You can post all the rants or thoughts or whatever your little heart desires. Just like I can post responses. Just don't get your panties in a twist if someone points out that it's a rant.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 13

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 6:20:41 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

ok- i will point out that you don't really listen and/or read what you want in my opinion.

for i said this: "yes i know there are idiots here. however- since i am fairly new to the BDSM scene and extremely new in comparison on collarme- how am i supposed to know every way that people interact on here?"

maybe thats customary here. That is what i asked for clarifaction on.

For example: Am i a male dom? No. So i'm supposed to know what type of approach they take or should take with a submissive?

I think not.

Like i said- i rant in my journal. I never said you couldn't post a response- who the hell am i to tell you that?

and i think i'd have to actually wear panties for them to get in a bunch... just saying.

(in reply to thishereboi)

Post #: 14

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 6:28:46 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

I don't think it should matter to you how others choose to interact.

Interact in the manner you feel comfortable with, with people who address you in the manner that you like.

< Message edited by jbcurious -- 5/12/2010 6:29:48 AM >

_____________________________

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Post #: 15

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 6:29:09 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

i think we share the same problem, however mine starts more at the greeting.

I'm not saying they have to come kneeling(i'd rather they didn't), but hell, a nice "hi- how are you?" would be nice.

And like you, i'm fully aware that this is a BDSM site for kink, but i can't get to know somebody as a person along the way?

Maybe that's just how it is here.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 16

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 6:35:14 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

agreed.

but how people interact doesn't matter in a sense of "why were they so mean to me?WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

", but along the lines of, "well....that was interesting.....I wonder why they did that?"

i'm just a very curious person.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 17

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 6:46:57 AM

pegbundy

Posts: 565
Joined: 4/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I'm not trying to excuse their rudeness and lack of manners but instead I'm trying to give a possible reason behind the why.

I found your response interesting, and it might make a difference if she adjusted the wording in her profile. Maybe. I don't think it would change anything substantially, though. My profile says almost nothing other than to state that I am unavailable and yet I get my share of crude propositions on a regular basis.

I wonder if it's more about the senders holding the belief that if they throw the same shit at enough walls, eventually it will stick?

(in reply to CarrieO)

Post #: 18

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 6:55:20 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pegbundy

quote:

I'm not trying to excuse their rudeness and lack of manners but instead I'm trying to give a possible reason behind the why.

I found your response interesting, and it might make a difference if she adjusted the wording in her profile. Maybe. I don't think it would change anything substantially, though. My profile says almost nothing other than to state that I am unavailable and yet I get my share of crude propositions on a regular basis.

I wonder if it's more about the senders holding the belief that if they throw the same shit at enough walls, eventually it will stick?

Jeeezzzz I've only had 2 crude proposals since I've been here... What am I doing wrong???

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

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Post #: 19

RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 6:56:42 AM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

I want to spoon....

I mean, how do you do? ;)

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

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Post #: 20

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