feylin
Posts: 182
Joined: 3/12/2005
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Good morning:
I am a very shy person until I get to know people so actually attending a munch was a true test for me. The first time I attended one I was wound tight with nerves and excitement. There was a contact person who met me before we walked into the restaurant and kindly made introductions to the group. Being the new person, I knew they would already have established relationships with each other so I felt the need to garner as much information as I could by reading the message board and starting an IM chat with another submissive whose messages I admired.
That part worked out. When someone was introduced I almost always had a basic idea of who they were and what they were into. (It was not a very large group and I waited a couple of months before actually attending a munch.) After the dinner, when we moved to the bar to play some pool and have a drink, I was able to have a great face-to-face conversation with the submissive I had chatted online with a few times. That conversation was occasionally interrupted by my initial greeter who checked in with a look or a comment to make sure I was feeling comfortable. Very sweet of him, I thought, and his attention to my comfort continued throughout the night when most of the group -- myself included -- moved on to a play party.
In hindsight, the play party was too much too soon for me. Everyone treated me kindly but I was too nervous to engage in conversation and some of what I was seeing startled me. Definitely had that deer-in-the-headlights look about me and experienced that slow, sinking feeling that I was making a complete ass out of myself by being one of those people who just stares and does not talk. <laughs> Quite a sight.
At first, I wanted to blame them for being clique-ish but came around from that by realizing it was only natural for this group, who obviously knew each other personally for some time, to have topics that were near and dear and pertained only to them. I could not expect to have that same familiar connection with people I had just met...especially when I was being so shy.
Playing, for me, was completely out of the question (I had just met these people!) and my being invited along was probably unfair to them as well, but we all have to start somewhere and I tried to be as unobtrusive as possible. Despite the fact that I, no doubt, made a weak first impression, I was able to take away some valuable lessons from this experience:
Doing my homework paid off and trying to make an online connection before attending the party helped.
Try to hold back on some of my eagerness to learn and experience new things because deep down I am truly unprepared to jump right in. My curiosity is bigger than my fears only to a certain point.
Do not focus on my perception of how other people are treating me, but be aware of how I am treating them. I walked into their unit brand new and inexperienced and no one, in my view, should be forced to make more than a common courtesy concession to the pale, quiet stranger. <grins>
A deeper revelation was that BDSM could be so much more than what I had fantasized or read about online. I witnessed a rather physically demure but intensely emotional scene between a couple and was blown away by their connection. It was a palpable connection and I found myself moved by their public intimacy. (A bit of an oxymoron, I know, but I do not think they were aware of anyone else in the room in that moment.)
To tie this in to the initial post, I never went back. <laughs> It was too much too soon and they were a very experienced (see: frightening to the newbie) group. Lovely people, enjoyable to view and listen to, but too much for me. I needed baby steps.
Luckily, this initial burst of courage led to more attempts to meet people in the lifestyle. I joined two other groups that happened to meet much closer to my home and made a great connection at the next munch I attended. In both of these new groups someone (usually the host or hostess) was very attentive without being pushy. They let me move and interact without hovering but were a constant guardian with a glance and smile or drawing me into a conversation with a general question.
One thing was made clear at both new groups: if anyone bothered me in such a way that I became uncomfortable, I should let my host know immediately. (I failed to do this once at a club -- thinking that I had handled the situation if not correctly at least with finality -- and received a well-deserved lecture on the long ride home. The point being that because I was submissive and new to the arena (and a bit of a dork) my safety was a real concern and a responsibility they took seriously. They needed to be able to trust me just as much as I needed to trust them. Lesson learned -- the easy way, thankfully.)
Private versus public is a personal choice but I admit to being a bit disappointed when a dominant sparks an interest in me but states that he keeps this part of his life strictly private and behind closed doors. Its not that I am an exhibitionist, but I really enjoy meeting and talking and sharing with other people about this lifestyle. These forums allow for some of those deep questions and answers and the sharing of similar experiences but I have developed some great friendships and learned a great deal first hand by getting out there in spite of my social fears.
An example: a couple of days after a play session (still only experienced the play side of things), I would break down and sob. Why? I was never depressed, always felt pretty good for a week or more after a lovely spanking or flogging or whatnot. I would just have a bit of out-of-the-blue uncontrollable sobbing and then feel much better afterwards. After one munch when a few of us hang around to chat, play pool, etc. this topic came up while I was chatting with a couple of the other submissives who happen to be in committed relationships with their dominants. They knew exactly what I was talking about and experienced the same or similar moments. This was something that had been bothering me. It was so wonderful to talk about it with trusted friends and to feel reassured about what I considered an odd side effect.
That is one of the benefits of going to munches and developing friendships with people who will understand a bit more about your choices and reactions than friends and/or family who do not share the same interests/needs. Unlike the forums, you almost always get a good hug afterwards. <smiles>
Personally, I could never go to a club on my own. It has been mentioned that individuals may hang out in the parking lot trying to work up the nerve to walk into a place to attend a munch....for a club, I would not even make it into the parking lot. I would probably just keep driving around the block until I ran out of gas or regained my senses and went home. <laughs> I believe that unless you are a natural exhibitionist or an amazingly social extrovert, attendance at clubs requires a trustworthy friend or -- even more fun -- a group of trustworthy friends.
I do understand the nervousness and fears of attending a munch for the first time so if you should ever need someone to just listen while you try to expel some of that before attending one, please feel free to message me. At the very least I can be a willing listener and offer my often sage advice (see: questionable) like, "You feel like throwing up? Gosh, I did, too, my first time. Tilt your head back and breathe deep, but take some mints and a toothbrush just in case" <grins>
Best wishes,
christine
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RE: Why people don't join groups - 
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