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RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 4:13:01 AM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

OP, that's a double standard.
Seriously?

This is a BDSM site where a large proportion of the posters have D/s relationships and you're criticising the OP for having a *double standard*?

If the OP wants a partner who focuses more on their own orgasms than on his then that's perfectly reasonable-it's a compatibility thing.

Edited to put a smiley in because I realised the writing sounded cross (which I'm not) rather than amused (which I was)



VC, you're 21, I'm 55. Most men your age will orgasm easily. At my age it's just the opposite. So me telling him that he's a failure if he doesn't achieve orgasm is just an unhealthy thing to do. More importantly, if he feels the same, and many of the dominants on this thread do just that, and neither of you orgasm, then both of you will be disappointed/upset.

As far as a double standard, in some things that's okay. In others, not. I may not be equal in power or authority, but I am equal in value.




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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 6:39:26 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		Some of you are almost making me feel guilty because I love to orgasm...

Orgasms are FUN, they feel GOOD whether giving, receiving, forceing, controling or denying (to a point).

Sometimes our bodies don't go along with the plan... no big deal, it doesn't take away from the pleasure and intimacy of stroking, fondling, sucking, tasting.... all wonderful in their own right even if it doesn't finish with a bang...a cuddle is nice.

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(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 6:58:58 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i almost hesitate in saying this, but during my vanilla period it was almost always a race to the finish - i knew i had to get my orgasm in before he did or i just wouldnt get one and the horny monster in me would turn me into a total ratbag if i went without.

in Ds i have to say that every single D (pretty much) has put my orgasm before his and always because they just love watching me cum.  my submissive purpose in a way is to always give that pleasure to him. as DS said, its a Dom ego thing, so far as ive experienced it anyway. it isnt that my orgasm is more important to me, but it is apparently more important to him.  that isnt to say that he doesnt want to cum, just that he wants to be sure that i cum and cum and cum

from my perspective i want to know that he gets pleasure from me and if he cums then thats terrific - i love it, it gives me so much pleasure to feel that pleasure and release rock through him.

in a way, and this might be a bit un-pc - i love that moment of vulnerable pleasure that he goes through.  for that brief moment his pleasure is MINE, but its just a fleeting thing inbetween thrusts and release, but its tangible and rarely has anything to do with 'use' as others have mentioned.  its me returning the favour and providing that pleasure best i can.

then again just being flipped over the back of the sofa and fucked is good too - and that is use and bloody hot!


< Message edited by lally2 -- 5/17/2010 7:00:41 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 7:21:28 AM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja



i understand it might be difficult to cum sometimes,
and i know sometimes maybe a person is not so bothered.
i also know there are unfortunate people who can never physically cum,
but i don't get or believe people who say they do not care about cumming ever.



i don't get women who say that a few days or weeks without an orgasm is the height of torture, i don't get submissive women in particular wanting something for themselves which is relatively trivial (imo) in the grand scheme of life, to such a HIGH degree. nothing wrong with being into having orgasms if that is your thing and how you are wired, but to paint life as cruel and unbearable without them???...that's a mystery to me.

as for not caring, in my case i realized i grew to this point. before i became a slave, when i was having sex with only "vanilla" men, i cared about having an orgasm to a minor degree...i was curious about the process, wanted to know how to go about making it happen. but the actual feeling of the orgasm itself was very "meh" to me, and no big deal.

then once i became a slave obviously things changed very much, my focus sexually became much more clearly defined. i am a servant and an object of use. with this being my focus, i cared less and less about experiencing an orgasm of my own. in fact in the early days i became intensely guilty over experiencing any physical pleasure whatsoever, because my Master is not one of those Dominants with an obsession over female arousal and such. He clearly outlined my sexual focus and purpose, and nowhere did that include cumming for him or even being aroused for him. eventually though, it sunk into my head that i do not have to feel guilty over my natural sexual response, whatever that may be. once i realized this, i became curious about orgasms again, but only because it had been so long that i honestly could not recall what one felt like. i then started to feel a fresh new guilt over not being able to provide a variety of sexual responses to my Master.

and today, more than 5 years since my last orgasm, and having experienced maybe 2 or 3 total in the last 10 years, it has just lost all significance for me. i am not interested, i do not feel i am missing out on anything, and more importantly, i no longer feel as if my Master or any other man who uses me is missing out on anything either.


(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 7:22:20 AM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		Fantastic way to put it lally

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 8:34:40 AM   
lally2


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Joined: 4/16/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kallisto

Fantastic way to put it lally


 i had to edit, i got a bit carried away there for a mo...!

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to kallisto)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 8:48:36 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja



i understand it might be difficult to cum sometimes,
and i know sometimes maybe a person is not so bothered.
i also know there are unfortunate people who can never physically cum,
but i don't get or believe people who say they do not care about cumming ever.



i don't get women who say that a few days or weeks without an orgasm is the height of torture, i don't get submissive women in particular wanting something for themselves which is relatively trivial (imo) in the grand scheme of life, to such a HIGH degree. nothing wrong with being into having orgasms if that is your thing and how you are wired, but to paint life as cruel and unbearable without them???...that's a mystery to me.
.


i knew a woman who'd never orgasmd in her life, after 3 kids and ten years of marriage it had never happened and she was ok with that. it isnt the B-all and end-all of sex and i agree totally with you that it is highly possible to provide pleasure to youre partner and not put youre own orgasm on the list of priorities. 

i think that what youve found is the perfect match for you.  youre Master does not require that element from you and does not put pressure on you to achieve it.

i think the key is in where you mention sexual arousal.  if the arousal isnt there so much then the physical need to take that arousal to climax isnt going to be there so much either.

for some people the physical arousal is so strong that not to reach orgasm can actually leave you with an uncomfortable feeling, a kinda ants in youre pants annoying nagging thing that can make wearing panty liners an absolute must. 

but if im not getting any at all that whole side of me can wind down and i can go for weeks and months without sex - its all in the sexual arousal thing i spose.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to daddysprop247)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 9:26:05 AM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2



i knew a woman who'd never orgasmd in her life, after 3 kids and ten years of marriage it had never happened and she was ok with that. it isnt the B-all and end-all of sex and i agree totally with you that it is highly possible to provide pleasure to youre partner and not put youre own orgasm on the list of priorities. 

i think that what youve found is the perfect match for you.  youre Master does not require that element from you and does not put pressure on you to achieve it.

i think the key is in where you mention sexual arousal.  if the arousal isnt there so much then the physical need to take that arousal to climax isnt going to be there so much either.

for some people the physical arousal is so strong that not to reach orgasm can actually leave you with an uncomfortable feeling, a kinda ants in youre pants annoying nagging thing that can make wearing panty liners an absolute must. 

but if im not getting any at all that whole side of me can wind down and i can go for weeks and months without sex - its all in the sexual arousal thing i spose.


who says i do not become sexually aroused? there are times when, imo, i become embarrassingly sexually aroused (being very wet, limbs shivering involuntarily, etc.). but never do i feel an urge for that arousal to be taken over the edge into orgasm. in fact, i try not to think about it at all and hope that my partner doesn't think about it either, because that kind of focus on "me" and my feelings/responses makes me extremely extremely uncomfortable. even when i had them in the past, orgasms were never this happyhappyjoyjoy thing for me. physically, the sensation is no more intense than butterflies in the tummy as when one goes down a hill on a rollercoaster. mentally, they are a distraction to what sex is all about for me...serving my partner. i cannot have an orgasm and retain 100% unwavering focus on my partner's needs and desires, and honestly do not believe anyone can. for that period of time when one is building up to the orgasm, through the actual orgasm itself, it may be a matter of seconds or a few minutes, but your focus for that time is on YOU and what you are feeling. that is unacceptable for me personally, it takes away the joy and beauty of sex...again, for me.

however merely being sexually aroused is no distraction, as i don't think of it and often am not aware of it unless my partner comments on it. it doesn't take away my focus and it doesn't rob me of the experience of being fully THERE for my partner, every second.

and of course, there is nothing wrong with not being aroused either, and many times i am not. either way it doesn't really matter, i just don't think about or want an orgasm.

you are right though when you say i have found my perfect match in my Master. it was a real shock and disappointment for me when i discovered that men in this lifestyle seemed to be as obsessed with the female sexual response as the men i'd left behind in the vanilla world. and many men, Dominant and otherwise, have tried to make me feel like i was in some way defective and displeasing because of the way i am. so yes i was very lucky to find Daddy.


< Message edited by daddysprop247 -- 5/17/2010 9:28:51 AM >

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 9:46:06 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		ehhh its like the old story. Guy and girl are in the bedroom for the first time.... he strips down to his birthday suit.... she checks out the package she remarks "who do you expect to please with that lil ole thang"???

His reply "Me"

BadOne

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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 10:43:50 AM   
bdsmnewbie10


Posts: 29
Joined: 3/10/2010
Status: offline 		Whether it was in my vanilla life, swing life, or now in bdsm life, it has always been to me more important for the other person to orgasm. It has always brought great pleasure to me knowing that their desires have been met brings satisfaction to me.

That said, I do get frustrated with not orgasming but not because of my needs, but if it is frustrating the other person that they can not make me orgasm.

I guess that this is why I am a submissive. It's not about me, it's aways about the other person.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 12:28:21 PM   
laurell3


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Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

you are right though when you say i have found my perfect match in my Master. it was a real shock and disappointment for me when i discovered that men in this lifestyle seemed to be as obsessed with the female sexual response as the men i'd left behind in the vanilla world. and many men, Dominant and otherwise, have tried to make me feel like i was in some way defective and displeasing because of the way i am. so yes i was very lucky to find Daddy.



You're 28. I don't think it's as uncommon as you think for younger women to have difficulty orgasming. There's quite a few threads here on CM from women saying the same as well. Unless you've already gone through menopause, your hormones are going to change drastically in the next decade. Give it time. That is, if you want that. If you don't, if it doesn't work in your dynamic, then it doesn't. I was late to experience orgasm in my 20's as well and focusing on it only made it worse. Eventually my mind and body caught up. Now, at 43, I honest to god wish I could orgasm less!

I think there's a few judgment calls on both sides here. As inconceivable as it may be for some, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to have or focusing on orgasm if that's what works for you and your partner. Hell there are femdom/male sub relationships that are centered around that premise and many dynamics that focus on one person's pleasure. None of these things are a "double standard" or "unhealthy" if it's what works for two consenting adults.

There's also nothing wrong with focusing on orgasm if that's what works. I think the visual and quite obvious sexual response is an ego boost for men. Any suggestions that it's not dominant are just flat out silly.


_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to daddysprop247)
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RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 3:05:14 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		For daddysprop, when he put me on orgasm denial for a couple of weeks it resulted in sleep deprivation. I stopped sleeping more than 20 minutes at a time. And that for me is not a trivial thing.

These days after menopause, that wouldn't happen but then again these days multiples are harder as are singles.


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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 3:37:33 PM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

For daddysprop, when he put me on orgasm denial for a couple of weeks it resulted in sleep deprivation. I stopped sleeping more than 20 minutes at a time. And that for me is not a trivial thing.





but why? i mean, why would not having an orgasm for a period of two weeks result in a loss of sleep? considering the fact that there are millions of women on this planet who go their whole lives long without an orgasm and seem to be just fine, how does the lack of regular orgasms threaten the health/physical well-being of a few like yourself?



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RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 3:48:07 PM   
Level


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quote:

daddysprop:

i cannot have an orgasm and retain 100% unwavering focus on my partner's needs and desires, and honestly do not believe anyone can.


But what if your partner's need and desire is to see you orgasm? Then, following that way of thinking, you would indeed be serving him in the way he wanted, right?

Anyway, I'm nit-picking your post a bit

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

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RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 3:49:33 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Double post.

< Message edited by Level -- 5/17/2010 3:50:47 PM >

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to daddysprop247)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 3:54:31 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

but why? i mean, why would not having an orgasm for a period of two weeks result in a loss of sleep? considering the fact that there are millions of women on this planet who go their whole lives long without an orgasm and seem to be just fine, how does the lack of regular orgasms threaten the health/physical well-being of a few like yourself?



I would doubt your millions vs few, but I'm not going to get into an argument over creative statistics.

You've told us time and again that your only pleasure is pleasing others.  Good on you.  You found what works for you.

I know few, very few women who say "meh" over an orgasm.  So perhaps for those that say "meh", then doing without is no big deal.  I cannot expect those to even understand what is it like for the rest of us.

For those that hang from the ceiling fan by their fingertips and make noises that only certain animal breeds can hear, it is very much a big deal.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to daddysprop247)
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RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 5:31:47 PM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline 		The reality of life is that you don't always orgasm during sex or play. A stressful day, a cramp in your foot at the wrong moment, the phone ringing in the other room, that glass of wine with dinner... a lot of things can contribute to not reaching orgasm at times. It's not something to obsess over.

If failure to orgasm becomes a consistent thing, then it's something to check with your doctor, just to make sure some bad thing is not going on -- like diabetes, or a cancer, or god knows what else. But then too, some people don't easily orgasm with a partner - they can get themselves off, but not let go of enough control to let someone else take them there.

I think the key is understanding that the journey is the important part, not just the destination.

I do exert all my skills to the best of my ability to please my Lady (or any partner). I am aware that my skills are a bit more than adequate, so I don't take it personally if things don't end with fireworks. I just try and make all of the activity sensuous, relaxing, hot, and enjoyable. Because that's really the best part.



(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 7:01:49 PM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

quote:

daddysprop:

i cannot have an orgasm and retain 100% unwavering focus on my partner's needs and desires, and honestly do not believe anyone can.


But what if your partner's need and desire is to see you orgasm? Then, following that way of thinking, you would indeed be serving him in the way he wanted, right?

Anyway, I'm nit-picking your post a bit


hi Level...nothing wrong with nit-picking. :) i actually expected that one, lol. if i had a partner who's need and desire was to see me orgasm, well then that would be like fighting a battle i couldn't win. it would be equivalent to a man saying, "well if you really wished to please me, you would lift this 200 lb weight." i would try my best, but the reality is i'm almost guaranteed to fail. i'd also wonder why, if this were so important to his pleasure, he chose me as opposed to some bigger, buffer gal. ;) likewise, why would a man choose me as a sexual partner, if a female's orgasm is what gives him the ultimate pleasure? i cannot "make" myself have an orgasm, and the pressure to do so anyway would just make me feel like a failure. just wouldn't make much sense.

anywho...i stand by my point that an orgasm does, however temporarily, take focus away from one's partner. even if that partner wants to see you orgasm, in the act of doing so your mind and body will not be 100% tuned into that person.

(in reply to Level)
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RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/17/2010 7:07:53 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
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quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

anywho...i stand by my point that an orgasm does, however temporarily, take focus away from one's partner. even if that partner wants to see you orgasm, in the act of doing so your mind and body will not be 100% tuned into that person.



have someone lock on to your eyes and command you to look them in the face and cum for them.......its all about the partner then, but ya do get the perk of a mind blowin, leg puttying orgasm.

imho only, of course.

_____________________________

yep

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RE: How important is your partners’ orgasm? - 5/18/2010 1:07:58 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247
.


who says i do not become sexually aroused? there are times when, imo, i become embarrassingly sexually aroused (being very wet, limbs shivering involuntarily, etc.). but never do i feel an urge for that arousal to be taken over the edge into orgasm. in fact, i try not to think about it at all and hope that my partner doesn't think about it either, because that kind of focus on "me" and my feelings/responses makes me extremely extremely uncomfortable. .

sorry, for some reason i got the impression you didnt get sexually aroused either -  i think youre comment earlier about feeling bad about not being able to provide a variety of sexual responses might have triggered that thought.

i can understand youre discomfort in having that focus put on you for that time, i have the same feeling at other times, when something in my life ends up taking precidence i just want the focus shifted away from me and back onto the other person, doesnt have to be a D for me to feel that way. 

the question here is how important is youre partners orgasm, turned around that question can apply to how important is youre orgasm to youre partner - and more or less have the same meaning to it.  a provision of pleasure given is as important as pleasure recieved to some and for some its more important to them to give it than recieve it.  for you its the case that you get pleasure giving, for many Doms thats how it works for them too, so its the flip side of the same coin - they get an enormous kick out of giving an orgasm to their sub/slave - and who are we to deny them

i do get what you mean about 'why is it so earth shattering not to orgasm' - it isnt, well it isnt for me anyway, i can go without an O for a time, but not if the sexual arousal gets me to that point of really needing one time and again because im kinda programmed now to need that O after a certain point.  my last Master didnt always put much precidence on my orgasm either, so i already knew that i might not get one and so i learnt to accept that and functioned perfectly well without one, but then he didnt go much on arousing me either so it never really became a big issue.  when he wanted me to orgasm i did but never at any other time and it was not a problem.  it is all about submitting to the need of youre Master, whatever he wants he gets to the best of youre ability and thats youre pleasure to provide, whatever that need is and for some its to give a knee knocking, gushing, whooha of an O.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 5/18/2010 1:25:42 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to daddysprop247)
Profile   Post #: 60
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