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Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 1:52:37 AM   
CaramellDansen


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/12/2010
Status: offline 		I have met a Dm who wants to meet me. he lives about 300 miles away, so it'll be a bit of a drive to meet him. i asked if he had any references and he's said yes. but now, when i asked for them, he keeps saying no and giving excuses. i even told him he could give them my personal # and they could call from a blocked/private number. still he says no; i don't need them unless we are "doing something" besides meeting and my asking for references just to meet is a red flag.

now here is my question: is my behavior a red flag or is his?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 2:13:07 AM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		Your behavior of even considering for one second, to remain ignorant and have no opportunity to gain confidence in him, that is the REAL red flag.

Don't doubt yourself or your instincts. While there is no hard and fast protocol in this area, because everybody is different, you must honor your limits and boundaries. You are the only person ultimately responsible for your own safety.

Surrender is by ongoing free choice from self will. It is from strength not weakness, awareness not ignorance. Be strong and aware. The weak tend to seek the meek.

(in reply to CaramellDansen)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 3:31:49 AM   
reynardfox


Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		Going to meet this guy when he has suddenly refused to allow you to speak to anyone he knows would probably be going against all common sense, sanity and be suicidal. There are more nutcases out there than dominants and you need to exercise extreme caution in your intial stages.
Too many women who end up dead have been lured into situations where they were exposed.
Going to meet someone a distance from where you live leaves you vulnerable, arranging to meet at a neutral venue you don't know leaves you vulnerable if it's on their territory. Taking a reference is an excellent idea, if the guy is an experienced dom he will have people you can talk to. Maybe he is not being quite honest about his experiences and you are a guinea pig?
You only have one life to lose, why risk losing it so pointlessly?
If the guy can't be bothered to make the effort to assure and ensure your safety then he is not worth meeting.

safety, safety, safety, for Heaven's sake. Don't become a statistic.

If even if the guy is real, and not everyone on here is, don't take chances, it's not romantic, it's just suicidal.

< Message edited by reynardfox -- 5/18/2010 3:32:58 AM >

(in reply to CaramellDansen)
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RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 3:35:14 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Hi and welcome to CM Forums.... :)

Personally, I loathe the concept of references when seeking a personal relationship, so I neither offer them nor ask for them. To me, sincere and mature adults simply don't need the intrusion of a 3rd party, uninvested stranger's opinion.

As for your case, the red flag I see is his evasiveness. References are ok if that's what both parties agree to, as he did. But when it came time to ante up, he's making excuses not to? I'd not only save myself a 300 mile drive, I'd be sparing myself the trouble of communicating with him any further.

Focus.

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(in reply to aldompdx)
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RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 3:45:41 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		trust your gut.

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RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 4:03:37 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I have provided references in the past. 

His switching his story is a bit of a red flag.  But using a safecall is far better than references in keeping you safe (You get his name and address beforehand.  When you first meet, you give a cal to someone who has that info, to say you're okay.  You follow up with a second call thirty minutes later.  No call, the cops get called. And you verify that info right up front).




_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 4:11:59 AM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		Why do you want anything to do with someone who will not do what they say they will?
Why can't he give the references he said he would?
Is he lieing?
Is he insincere?
Does he have no regard or respect for you?
How can he be your Master if he has not mastered himself?

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 4:27:59 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		You asked for some type of personal validation from a perfect stranger on a first meet (perfectly reasonable request) and he's not willing to provide it. His reaction says he's unconcerned about waylaying your concerns and more into the idea of meeting for his own reasons...do you want to take a chance on that type of thing? Who is he anyway to decide what you need to feel comfortable? If he feels that you asking for references means he's being scrutinized by you and is uncomfortable with that then he may be worried you'll find something out about him...screw that, walk on past this can of worms. Like Greedytop said...go with your gut. It seems as though you are feeling wary about this guy and his evasiveness which is why you posted the thread.

*Edited to add: He previously said he'd provide the references and now won't do it. That's just wrong. You seem to understand through this dodging of his that there are no references or he's hedging now while he's going through his head trying to think of some woman friend he can con into doing a favor for him and fake a reference. I'd say he's got no experience and has lied about that or things with women in the past have ended badly and they won't vouch for him.
That's all speculation...but the one thing that isn't is that he's not producing what he said he had and is now trying to turn the tables to make you look bad. Please...find someone else. This guy is a complete loser.

< Message edited by lizi -- 5/18/2010 4:34:20 AM >

(in reply to CaramellDansen)
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RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 4:38:49 AM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I don't know if it's a red flag on his part that he's denying you. What I think is questionable is that he first agreed to it then rescinded. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's because he's a danger to you. It could be a pride issue, or it could be that he feels weird for some reason asking a friend or an ex to be a reference for him. It could be any number of reasons. The only fault I see, is that he didn't tell you when it orginally came up that he wasn't ok with giving you the references.

But even if he gives you the references....Who vouches for them?

If you've been talking to him for a while, and you're not sure if he's safe, why would you trust the so-called references who would be complete strangers to you?

If you don't feel sure yet, I would suggest talking to him longer until a clear answer surfaces for you.





< Message edited by marie2 -- 5/18/2010 4:41:09 AM >

(in reply to CaramellDansen)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 5:40:27 AM   
warlock1935


Posts: 66
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I've always been willing to provide references, but for some reason no submissive has ever taken me up on it. Safe calls are a great idea, and I always suggest them to submissives when I play with them the first time. I suggest a slightly different way - the calls contain a code phrase that means "I'm OK". That way, you can't be forced to make a call and say you're fine; you just leave out the code phrase. Here again, though, for some reason no submissive has ever taken me up on it.
That being said, and lacking all the details of your conversations, my take is that the refusal to do what he said he would is creepy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I have provided references in the past. 

His switching his story is a bit of a red flag.  But using a safecall is far better than references in keeping you safe (You get his name and address beforehand.  When you first meet, you give a cal to someone who has that info, to say you're okay.  You follow up with a second call thirty minutes later.  No call, the cops get called. And you verify that info right up front).




(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 5:41:23 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		You might not be quite ready for this. You have been reading too much and experiencing too little.

Who gets references when seeking a partner? Is he giving you a knee replacement?

I want to ask your previous lovers about the tightness of your cunt, it's fragrance, your fellating skills, as well as do you chew with your mouth open when dining out?

You want a reference.....Hmmmmm. Do you think I am going to give you someone that is going to say bad things about me?

Wise up. This isn't Consumer Reports, hon. There isn't a room full of unbiased scientresses waiting to experience my best work and Domidonging. There is no honest report coming.

You expect a call from a blocked number to verify that he isn't going to mutilate your dumb ass? Then as you watch your left tit hit the floor you can say, "But Marie3 said you were gentle."

Sucks to be you.

One last thing, hon. You got the holes. Meet half way or maybe for the first meeting it is not overly unreasonable to have the dude come to you. Do not drive the whole distance to see him. You might be a submissive but show some common sense.

I already want to stand you up.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 5/18/2010 5:42:21 AM >

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RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 5:43:31 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Safe calls are stupid.

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(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 5:56:41 AM   
loverly


Posts: 236
Joined: 1/23/2004
Status: offline 		i really need to update my "Dating Resume"!!! i knew i was forgetting something!

Are You kidding me here? i mean.. since when do You ask for references to go on a DATE. to me this says i Do Not Trust You at all and really.. most relationships that are Over don't end happily... thats why they are Over hello! .. and yes.. a FIRST meeting is suppose to be that .. a date-like situation where two people have a meal or coffee and see if they can have a CONVERSATION together and chemistry.. its not suppose to be a set up for play with someone You have NEVER LAID EYES ON! Come on people.. use the brains you were given!!
Who!?!?! are raising these people ???!!! Just because we Choose to explore extreme sensations with a partner.. doesnt mean we shouldn't have morals or respect for ourselves!! If You cannot establish some level of trust initially ( even online to some extent) then how in the hell can you allow someone access to your body in the manner we do here and expect it to turn out OK?

and i totally agree with Domiguy here.. half way point or somewhere you feel safe is only right. For BOTH people ... women are not the only ones who can be in danger!

if it doesnt feel right.. then it probably isnt!

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 6:13:46 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Safe calls are stupid.



The last 3 women I whacked, I wait till after they made there safe calls.


(Did I type that outloud?)

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 7:35:07 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		their

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 7:35:51 AM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		hahahahhahahahha!

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 8:26:24 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Like the OP, the guy in question is new, he heard offering references is a good thing but didn't expect anyone to ask for them.

References are kind of stupid. If you don't know the people giving the reference, its meaningless and if you know them, you don't need references. I mean, Domi gives me great references when I use him as one and he is kind enough never to mention all the bitches we have both burried in his back yard!

(in reply to subtee)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 8:54:13 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

their



I hate you.


Use me as a reference!

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"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 8:56:03 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Don't get with Jeffff his spelling is atrocious. ~ anonymous reference.

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Asking for references... - 5/18/2010 9:05:51 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		I refuse to be dominated by outdated concepts like typing, spelling and gammar.

I am cutting egde!

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 20
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