LadyNTrainer
Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
Many of you asked me what I consider to be humiliation. Well, I will first tell you what I do NOT consider humiliation.
Humiliation is not:
- calling your partner good girl, good boy, playtoy, fucktoy, dumbfuck, slut, perv, etc. - all the "names" that have playful sexual conotation are not humiliating
- anything that is a part of well defined role-play is not humiliation - so your partner can be a doggy, a kitten, a bad boy, a bad girl, a pupil, a pony, etc, this is not humiliation, he can be even the human furniture if this is just a part of scene and roleplaying
- having your partner do things to you that are reasonable and that you really need or want is not humiliation, even if these tasks are hard - this includes cleaning house, cleaning car, cooking, etc
Yes, we do all of those things. It would be difficult to have our dynamic and not do them.
quote:
- having your partner do the things in a way which is deliberately designed to be harder and humiliating, for example - cleaning the toilet with the toothbrush or even with tongue,
Naaah, that's just silly. Some people might fetishize these acts and want them as part of a roleplaying scene, and I guess that might be amusing as a prelude to other things. But not all that amusing. I'd put those things fairly low on the list of stuff you'd ever find me doing, even as part of a fantasy roleplaying scene.
quote:
- calling your partner worthless, useless, pathetic, idiot, worm, pig, inadequate, retarded etc.
Abso-fuckin-lutely not, not within my poly family. I'm aware that some people have this kink, and I have no problem accommodating it in a casual play scene, but it would be difficult for me to share my life with someone who needed to be called those things. Sexy slut yes, worthless and useless no. The former is fun and positive, the latter is a negative reflection on me for choosing such a partner.
quote:
- cuckolding in any way, shape and form
If you mean non monogamy, yes, we're poly. But I don't have two partners because one of them is inadequate; we're a poly family because we choose to be together in this way. This is the structure that works for us, and we are all very respectful of each other's needs and boundaries. The two boys generally negotiate directly with one another as to who gets me which days, and it mostly has to do with their schedules and when they want downtime or have outside events or projects. I don't generally step in much unless I'm suggesting an event or a family social night where it's all three of us, or unless I perceive that one of them has needs that haven't been met in awhile, whether that's for play, sex or quiet downtime.
quote:
- expoitation of your partner for its own sake, like having her do all the chores, just because she is submissibe, while you watch TV lazily all day. The same can be in femdom situation.
Chore sharing in our family is done based on practical schedules and who has the most free time to get shit done. Our beta, whose preferred role in the triad relationship is "pet", is actually the busiest of the three of us so he does the least amount of chore time. Over his protests at times, I do as much as I can manage of his basic household chores so that he has more time to spend with us. My primary is in academia and has a decent amount of free time, so he ends up doing the greater share at our place most weeks, and has been known to cheerfully pitch in over at our secondary's place as well when he's there.
Sometimes I do like to lazily sit back and be cooked/served a meal by one or both of my boys while they are naked or dressed fetchingly. That's fun. But day to day logistics I can't see operating based on anything except practical real life considerations.
quote:
- financial domination in any way shape and form, especially if it involves large amounts of money and terms like, human ATM, pay piggy and other aforementioned terms
Not our kink in my triad. Outside of it, if that was someone's kink, I'd consider playing. It's a fantasy and a kink like any other. If I was playing, I'd like to make sure they were getting what they wanted out of it, and not doing real damage to themselves despite the fantasy.
quote:
- isolation of the sub from friends and relatives
I have done that exactly once in my life with a submissive whose family had physically abused him to the point of endangering his life. I put my foot down with regards to further contact and would have taken out a restraining order if he hadn't handled it himself. In normal situations that don't involve hospitals and court orders, I encourage and facilitate healthy regular contact. Part of the reason that poly works so well for us is that it gives us all quality downtime to have an outside social life, visit family, etc.
quote:
- neglecting subs own hobbies and preferences - such as controlling what kind of music he listens to, what kind of books he read, what kind of websites he visit etc.
The one thing is suggesting him some types of music, books or websites, the other thing is forbidding him to listen to his favorite band and to read his favorite author.
WTF? The thing I like about my partners is that they're intelligent, creative, interesting people. They go out and explore things and have neat experiences and bring them home to talk about. If I wanted a programmable RealDoll, I'd buy one.
If one of my submissives had an obsession that was actually interfering with our relationship or with their day to day life, I would require they get an objective outside professional involved to help them determine whether their interest was healthy and normal or an addiction/problem that needed addressing. I have also done this once.
quote:
- attitude that you are superior just because you are dominant, and that your subs pleasure, needs and wants aren't important at all
This works great in a short term scene, poorly in a long term relationship. The problem is that it's so many people's fantasy that they try to live it in reality outside of play sessions, and it rarely ends well.
quote:
- anything that has to do with things which are intuitively dirty and which lack the basic dignity, such as forcing your sub to your eat shit, be your ashtray, drink your piss, eat food from the floor, clean floor with his tongue, worship your dirty feet etc. (actually foot worship is not humiliating at all if the feet are clean)
Everything on that menu can be potentially hot, but safety and hygiene concerns have to be kept in mind. My primary does get turned on by "bathroom stuff", but not really in a D/s way so much as a kink/fetish way. So we play there occasionally, but for us those scenes are not about either dominance or humiliation. I'm not sure I'd be quite as willing to humor him if it was.
quote:
- having him do the "menial" tasks not because they have to be done, but just for the sake of humiliating him and showing him that he is incapable of any more sophisticated work
*snicker* Both of them are doing insanely advanced work in their respective fields of science, so that would be remarkably pointless. Also silly. I don't think any of us could keep straight faces if I pulled out a line like this. If we tried to do this scene, I think it would implode in a mutual gigglefit. We know each other too well.
I could maybe see doing this as a short term fantasy inside a scene, but I'd need to know that it was a fantasy and that I wasn't damaging anybody's psyche. Being used as a work slave might be hot, but the crux of the thing wouldn't really be that he was incapable of doing anything else so much as that he was enslaved and going to be used this way whether he liked it or not.
quote:
So, my question is, can BDSM be completely without such examples of humiliation that I just mentioned?
Yes, absolutely. We might occasionally include a few of the "humiliation" examples you mentioned in a short term scene. Or not. It's just stuff to play with. The spirit in which you've described those things is utterly absent for us however. At the end of the day, our relationship has a solid foundation of love, trust, mutual respect, honesty, caring, consideration, friendship and shared vanilla interests. It's solid and healthy for everyone, even though it's totally nontraditional (femdom and poly).
quote:
If the answer is yes, how common is such humiliation that I just mentioned. Do more relationships involve these things or lack them?
None of the long term D/s relationships I am personally familiar with (and that's actually a lot since I've been active in the community a long time) are actually based on humiliation even when it might be somebody's kink. A whole lot of short term ones are, but they are either strictly compartmentalized and not a primary relationship, or it's a professional situation where a guy who has this itch is paying a domme to scratch it.
For whatever reason, it is a common fantasy, and mostly it's a male fantasy. You don't find a lot of women in this realm unless they're being paid to be there. But there are a few. My guess goes something like this. When a man is starving, he doesn't fantasize about a baloney sandwich, he fantasizes about a huge feast, and his eyes are likely to be bigger than his tummy. He wants something extreme that emphasizes the power dynamic. Humiliation certainly does that effectively.
Additionally there may be feelings of anger or guilt involved, which is not necessarily a healthy or sustainable dynamic in a long term relationship. But what this individual is seeking is not a stable LTR so much as shock therapy, self-medication or catharsis. What's unfortunate is when someone confuses their need for some form of dramatic therapy for what works in a sustainable relationship with another human being, because they are not the same. Relationships based on a need for catharsis, guilt relief, dramatic therapy, anger management, etc, tend to implode pretty quickly even if the needs are mutual, if they lack the foundation that all human relationships still require even if they are kinky.
Being kinky is fun, and some of us are hardwired that way. But if you try to use kink to entirely replace basic, healthy human needs in a relationship rather than complement and fulfill them, you're going to run into serious trouble in short order.
_____________________________
Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.
|
RE: Can BDSM, D/s, and M/s exist without ANY humiliation? - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread