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kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 2:43:59 PM   
DarkEmpress2010


Posts: 15
Joined: 4/30/2010
Status: offline 		How do you handle it  (or how do you think you would)  if you overheard some of your vanilla friends or peers or family  talking about how sick or depraved kinksters are? I realize the answer may vary depending on who is doing the talking.
Would you defend, "come out" ignore ...? It happened,  I defended the " to each his own" sex life motto.
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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 2:45:44 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I'd laugh, say you fuckin Z A and order a drink.

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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 2:46:24 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Depends on the crowd.  I don't have friends who I'm not out to and who don't support my life choices.  Family pretty much knows better now (we're all vaguely kinky at least anyway) but would get a "As long as it works for them, that's what matters." response.

I'll out myself and become an advocate in certain circumstances, but I'm not an activist and try not to become a preacher that often.

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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 2:50:38 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I am very straight up with people.  I tend to walk up to them in a very matter of fact way, and either let them know that they are right or give them the correct information if they don't have it.  I have no problem with looking people straight in the face and asking them what they want to know.  I generally confirm that they DO really want to know (not everybody does) and I approach it in, what I hope to be, an educational matter.

I think most people would be surprised just how many 'vanilla' folks aren't as closed minded as some people think.


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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 2:57:25 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Been there.

I tend to just ignore the conversation or try to steer it in another direction or I might throw in a little something like "oh I dunno...ever watch the movie "Mr and Mrs Smith" and they're throwing each other up against the wall and having mad, passionate sex?? Now tell me that's not hot!".

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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 3:00:37 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

How do you handle it  (or how do you think you would)  if you overheard some of your vanilla friends or peers or family  talking about how sick or depraved kinksters are? I realize the answer may vary depending on who is doing the talking.


It all depends. For me it always boils down to a question how important is it for me to reveal something about myself to someone who isn't going to be tolerant to me. If I can avoid the drama, I will.

As for my real close friends that I chose, I chose them for their open mind. This kind of trash talking isn't going to come from them.

Edited for TMI.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 5/24/2010 3:10:23 PM >

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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 3:21:53 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkEmpress2010

How do you handle it  (or how do you think you would)  if you overheard some of your vanilla friends or peers or family  talking about how sick or depraved kinksters are? I realize the answer may vary depending on who is doing the talking.
Would you defend, "come out" ignore ...? It happened,  I defended the " to each his own" sex life motto.


Same way I'd confront any example of ignorant prejudice - confronting it directly. Most times I'll try to diffuse the situation but no way do I let an opportunity to exploit and hopefully educate ignorance.

I'll try to use humor and won't necessarily "outing" myself and my relationship. They may suspect, they may think they know, but regardless - I'm me confident and uncaring about anyone else thinking the worse of me due to their personal prejudice and shortcomings about the type of sensations and activities they deem "sick & depraved".

I belief the same initiative should be taken regarding "kink" that was undertaken by the homosexual community. Being 'closeted' didn't help them or the stereotypes of prejudice. Only when individuals open and proud of who they were pointed out how a persons sexual preference should not disqualify them from participation in society did conditions and social acceptance result. I'd bet there were as many self loathers in the gay community wishing they didn't do so now enjoying the relative acceptance their efforts achieved as there are self loathers in the "kink" community wishing we would do the same.

The "to each his own" method is a good starting point, but standing up and saying; "I like to spankings!" accompanied by an appropriate giggle and blush, would have a bigger impact. You may be surprised about how many start nodding in agreement and how quickly, as a result, they change their representation that the activity is "sick & depraved".

I AM "sick and depraved" by a lot of people standards; fortunately I live my only mine. "Sick & depraved"? - So????? In in the worst case, if 'outed', they won't invite you over to the next 'vanilla' family picnic and you can go to a Munch instead. Or if they do invite you - they won't ask for a sip of your bee. However, they may assign you the task of securely tying up the picnic tent.

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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 3:33:30 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I've never had such a situation occur. I would wonder why, if they weren't secretly interested, they were spending so much time talking and curious about other people's personal lives. However, I tend to compare sex to food. Some people like vanilla, others chocolate coconut gelato. Some like five alarm chili and others without spice. And I cannot for the life of me understand why it is immoral to like spicy sex but not spicy food. They're all just sensations, just in different senses. For that matter, some like to watch horror movies. So tell me why it's okay to like strong sensations if it's the sense of sight or taste, but not if it's the sense of touch.


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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 3:34:46 PM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I'd handle it pretty much the same way I handle it when someone starts Gay bashing. I'm not Gay but it doesn't stop me from standing up for their rights of sexual and lifestyle freedom. I wouldn't out myself but would probably make a comment along the lines of "you might be surprised what a pair of handcuffs can do for your love life".

I've said before that I don't think most people have a problem with kink... but do have a hard time understanding and accepting submission.

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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 3:35:11 PM   
LadyAngelika


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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

I would wonder why, if they weren't secretly interested, they were spending so much time talking and curious about other people's personal lives.


You haven't met my aunts obviously.

- LA

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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 3:59:12 PM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
Same way I'd confront any example of ignorant prejudice - confronting it directly.

This. I'm not a huge fan of such things whether or not I happen to be involved in the topic being maligned.

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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 4:00:14 PM   
elleX


Posts: 161
Joined: 10/24/2009
Status: offline

Hi everyone ,
this happened to me about 2 years ago ,
i was with collegues and i work in the mental health fiels
It was about erotic dancing classes given in Montreal
i was surprise to hear how badly they were talking about it ,, telling that this was  humiliating women and on and on .
i then also realise the depth in the difference of our thought

And i told them this ; cannot you compare it as games that lovers  can have in intimacy ,, cannot you think that doing things differently can be amusing , relaxing and good

they could even not see any positive aspect ,
and i am talking about mental health professional

so from that day i shutted up
smile 

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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 4:05:37 PM   
OrpheusAgonistes


Posts: 253
Joined: 3/29/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkEmpress2010

How do you handle it  (or how do you think you would)  if you overheard some of your vanilla friends or peers or family  talking about how sick or depraved kinksters are? I realize the answer may vary depending on who is doing the talking.
Would you defend, "come out" ignore ...? It happened,  I defended the " to each his own" sex life motto.



My family is small, WASPish, and rapidly aging.  Even my younger cousins are aging at twice the normal rate, and will be older than me within 6 months.  I have some great uncles who still aren't sold on the prudence of breaking away from England.  They're not necessarily against it either, mind you, just reserving judgment.  Appropriate topics of conversation include: 

Did you hear Richard's son was wait-listed at Northwestern?  He always was a little slow. 

My, my, this roast is moist!

It's certainly warm today, remember that time 37 years ago when it snowed on this very date?

So I simply can't picture that conversation taking place among relations.  My friends are all tolerant, decent people and I can't really picture any of them going out of their way to voice opinions about how other people conduct their sex lives.  If they did, I wouldn't be the only voice telling them to sort themselves out and get a grip.

The issue would really only ever come up with coworkers.  In this case, my response to any kind of backwards, regressive stances is to simply say "What people do behind closed doors is their own damned business," and leave it at that.  There's no point in arguing the issue.  Just watch their reactions, and form judgments about them based on how they respond.


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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 4:11:10 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

My family is small, WASPish, and rapidly aging.  Even my younger cousins are aging at twice the normal rate, and will be older than me within 6 months.  I have some great uncles who still aren't sold on the prudence of breaking away from England.  They're not necessarily against it either, mind you, just reserving judgment. 


And you don't think any of them have Headmistress and naughty school boy fantasies? Sometimes the most outwardly prudish can be the most kinky in the boudoir. ;-)

But you are right, they would never talk about it openly.

- LA

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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 7:30:26 PM   
OrpheusAgonistes


Posts: 253
Joined: 3/29/2010
Status: offline
quote:


And you don't think any of them have Headmistress and naughty school boy fantasies? Sometimes the most outwardly prudish can be the most kinky in the boudoir. ;-)


Ha ha, indeed.  And schoolboy ties make crude but effective restraints.

quote:

But you are right, they would never talk about it openly.


Yeah, and it's normally pretty easy to shut down people who are relentless and vocal in their expression of moral indignation for the way other people live.  Though obviously if the OP was dealing with family, that complicates matters since it isn't possible to handle family members in quite the same way.

I don't want to threadjack, but I'd amend my first answer to include the fact that the particular type of intolerance makes a difference to me.  Homophobia, intolerance of interracial dating, and intolerance against the transgendered all fall to some degree under the umbrella of "complaining about someone's lifestyle" and I really can't let any of those kinds of comments go and feel okay with myself.


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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 7:54:13 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I don't want to threadjack, but I'd amend my first answer to include the fact that the particular type of intolerance makes a difference to me.  Homophobia, intolerance of interracial dating, and intolerance against the transgendered all fall to some degree under the umbrella of "complaining about someone's lifestyle" and I really can't let any of those kinds of comments go and feel okay with myself.


I agree. At one point in my life I dated a woman and at another point in my life dated a man who was born and raised in an Islamic country (though he was atheist) and I got some flack from a few members of my family (my parents, brother and the people who's opinions mattered most were fine). But that is the social part of one's life and people shouldn't have to keep that part of their life a secret. In both cases, those relationships had a kinky element. That part I didn't need to reveal to anyone as it pertained to the intimate elements of our relationships.

As for the private part, what you put in your original response as "What people do behind closed doors is their own damned business," I'm in total agreement. It reminds me of what the late, great Canadian Pierre Trudeau said back in 1967 "The state has no place in the bedrooms of the nation," when he changed divorce laws and liberalized laws regarding abortion and homosexuality.

- LA

(edited to add some clarifications in parentheses)

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 5/24/2010 8:14:59 PM >

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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/24/2010 8:04:00 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:



ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
Same way I'd confront any example of ignorant prejudice - confronting it directly.


Precisely the way I handle any such noncense be it Kink, Gay, or Pagan beliefs. I tend to be both a peace maker, i.e. some one who can calm a situation down and try to get people talking and behaving rationally (as should Security Officers and law Enforcement Officers), and a confrontationalist. Each have their place and time for obtaining the desired result or effect.


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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/25/2010 12:18:13 AM   
reynardfox


Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		I am often the subject of tittle tattle like that, it amuses me. There's only one thing worse than being talked about and that's not being talked about.
You can't defend what we are, to defend what we are would be to assume for one second that you are dealing with an open mind and you aren't. A closed mind is no mind at all. Besides, as a rule, I would only answer to a negative opinion if it was from someone who knew me and what I like to do, I can't respond to the ramblings of the ignorant.
I just smile and nod and answer that I am into all this.
What they think is their problem.

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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/25/2010 12:46:13 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		I don't think I have ever been around people that were talking negatively about BDSM but this group of vanilla friends I am presently spending a lot of time with in this small community, often make jokes in, what I consider, a very unoffensive way.

The guys often joke around that they would love a strong woman to put them in their place. One of the guys often says to me 'ooooh Maria you looked at me so firmly then, my legs have gone all wobbly'.
We have even named one of the women 'The Dominatrix' and we tease her about what she's got hidden in her very large handbag'
We are all going to a fancy dress party soon and one of the guys has offered 'The Dominatrix' his partners strap on.

I really don't believe they know anything about Steve and me and as far as I'm concerned they never will but the subject of BDSM is brought up a lot and its certainly never negative. What I do have to be guarded about is getting carried away. It would be easy with this lot, to get lulled into a false sense of security.
I had to move house once because my ex let things slip out of the bag with a neighbor. The neighbor stopped speeking to us and hid her children away. She let everyone in the street know and we became the subjects of malicious gossip.
My son came in from playing out one day very upset because a boy had said 'I'm not allowed to play out with you anymore because your mums a slut'

Since then, I very much protect my own doorstep.

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RE: kink talk among vanillas - 5/25/2010 12:48:49 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		When that boy gets older, he will think you are the greatest thing on the block.

I don't hear bdsm brought up very often either, if I did I wouldn't correct people because I think it's impossible to explain to them. My group of vanilla friends thinks giving head and swallowing is riske....they are entitled to their lives as I am mine.



Racism I absolutely will stick my nose into and spout off about without pause, but I don't hear that too often either.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 5/25/2010 12:51:15 AM >

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