How to feel more submissive

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wandernwonder -> How to feel more submissive (5/29/2010 8:30:24 AM)
This may seem like an odd problem, but here it is: I currently have a Dom. Theoretically, it sounds like a perfect match; close geographically, common interests, both kinky and vanilla, compatible personalities. I feel completely at ease with him, and he's completely open, honest, sincere, and caring. In short, everything I look for in a Dom. The problem seems to be that I often feel more like a good friend than a submissive. I don't know if it's because he has been too open, sharing personal things with me, or he just doens't have that dominant personality "vibe", or what. But I know that in a previous relationship I felt completely submissive to the Dom, even though there were issues that led to the ending of the relationship, whereas currently I feel like I have to keep reminding myself that I'm his sub. My question is how can I feel more submissive? I should mention this is not a 24/7 relationship, so things like "doing smal services" for him etc aren't really feasible.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/29/2010 9:19:56 AM)
Well the obvious question to ask is that maybe you need 24/7? Maybe that's what allows your submissive fuzzies to really come out and play? Why did you choose him to be a dom? Obviously he's evoked your sub fuzzies before or you wouldn't have chosen him, so go back to the beginning and examine what was there before and what changed? Was it just lust and you didn't carry that over into the every day for when the lust faded? What actions typically evoke those sub fuzzies from you? ANd of course, what does he say when you communicate this to him?

leadership527 -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/29/2010 9:28:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wandernwonder My question is how can I feel more submissive? I should mention this is not a 24/7 relationship, so things like "doing smal services" for him etc aren't really feasible. I'm always fascinated by this sort of question. Can you elaborate on what "feeling submissive" feels like? Is this a feeling that happens when you are sexually used? Does it occur when you are told to scrub the floors? It may just be that you two are not compatible. There is some segment of the populace that does not feel dominant or submissive. Carol and I are like that. We don't have any feeling that is attached to being d or s because that's just the way we are. It's kind of like saying, "What's it feel like to breath?" So in our marriage, there is no overt D/s. There is only the understanding between us that where i lead, she follows. I am way more her friend than I am her master in about 99.99% of the circumstances. I'm wondering if your Dom is perhaps like me.

lizi -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/29/2010 9:49:52 AM)
The situation you describe has a lot of similarities to my own. My partner and I have a very close, loving relationship which is based more on friendship. We do not live together at this point and mostly interact with each other within vanilla activities. Because of our particular situation, the things we do together regularly out in the real world dictate to some degree how we outwardly relate to each other. Then there is his personality...he is a polite and caring man who loves me very much. I have had the same disconnect you describe where I need to remind myself of our dynamic at times. I felt some confusion in the beginning of our relationship about whether or not it was right for me, I decided it was, and I needed to find my own way then as to what I could do to afix our positions more firmly in my own mind. Since our time together is limited and we don't have much privacy I pay attention in how I communicate with him, as in what I say (or email, or im, or whatever venue we are using) and how I say it. I ask lots of questions so I know what his preferences are. I try to be entertaining when we are around others to make him proud of having me there, and I always try to look attractive. Let me put it this way, if we have signed up for a 40 mile bike ride I ask him if there is anything he wants me to bring (usually his list is very simple- me and the bike). I then go through my own mental list to see if there is anything I think I should add - whatever I can take that'll make things better or easier for both of us (blister balm, face cloths, granola bars, extra water, sunscreen, etc). Then I get up earlier than I need to and do whatever I can to look nice, see if I forgot anything, and get to where we are meeting early so he doesn't have to wait on me. During the ride I talk to him, be friendly to others, try not to whine when my butt hurts after 20 miles (hard to do!), watch for the colored arrows for our 40 mile route (he's color blind), make sure he gets his water filled at the rest stops, get his food for him, rub his legs afterward, etc. You get the picture. It doesn't sound like much but it's all I have - this mental habit of putting myself in my own 'place' and doing what I can in that way. I can 't do much in the acts of service either because of our usual public life so it's how I approach the situation to begin with that matters. I just try to be a partner he can be proud of wherever we are and I try to put him first so he knows every step of the way that I value him and what we have together. In private we can let loose and do whatever we want. We have no problem defining our roles in private. That part doesn't happen as much as I'd like but until things change I'll take what I can get.

mistoferin -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/29/2010 10:06:18 AM)
I just wanted to say that feeling like you and your partner are also best friends is not a bad thing. Some people go a lifetime and never find a relationship where they feel that comfortable.

laurell3 -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/29/2010 10:07:49 AM)
I agree, unless that's all you feel, which isn't clear from the OP. What do you mean you don't feel submissive? Sexually? What specifically do you feel is lacking?

DarkSteven -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/29/2010 2:39:53 PM)
How about you try some roleplays to see what does it for each of you?

Malkinius -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/29/2010 3:02:45 PM)
Greetings wandernwonder.... This simple answer is that for you to feel more submissive towards him he will have to BE more dominant towards you. If you mesh too well in everything else you end up being a mildly kinky couple who are in a romantic relationship with each other. You said he is everything you want in a Dom....except dominant enough. Maybe that is part of the problem? He is everything you want in a partner, but not in a Dom. Be well.... Malkinius

lally2 -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/29/2010 3:30:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wandernwonder This may seem like an odd problem, but here it is: I currently have a Dom. Theoretically, it sounds like a perfect match; close geographically, common interests, both kinky and vanilla, compatible personalities. I feel completely at ease with him, and he's completely open, honest, sincere, and caring. In short, everything I look for in a Dom. The problem seems to be that I often feel more like a good friend than a submissive. I don't know if it's because he has been too open, sharing personal things with me, or he just doens't have that dominant personality "vibe", or what. But I know that in a previous relationship I felt completely submissive to the Dom, even though there were issues that led to the ending of the relationship, whereas currently I feel like I have to keep reminding myself that I'm his sub. My question is how can I feel more submissive? I should mention this is not a 24/7 relationship, so things like "doing smal services" for him etc aren't really feasible. the blue bit made me smile [:)] - along the lines of terry wogans 'the present Mrs Wogan' - so you currently have a Dom - in that statement is all sorts of things, im still smiling)) - but mostly it doesnt sound at all submissive (to me anyway) - im just mentioning that because it kinda hit me in the eye when i read it. i think maybe you should stop comparing him to the last guy for a start. if his methods are gentle, kind, open, friendly and caring then youve got youreself a goodie - now all you have to do is realise that and quit worrying. it isnt about being more submissive, its about responding to him as the person he is. he doesnt or at least he shouldnt have to extract submission from you, it should be something that you can give not something that has to be taken from you. IMO it isnt about play either or only when things get kinky, you can be who you are to each other all of the time, even when its vanilla. he is youre dominant partner and you could push him to demonstrate that but you shouldnt. start small. when he's talking dont interrupt, even if youre burning to, let him finish his sentance before you offer youre thoughts. at times when youre alone together dont assume anything. what i have found to be really powerful is to kneel at his feet rather than sit on the sofa next to him, not in any florid way, just slip gently down there, rest against the side of the sofa, maybe put youre hand on his thigh - that works wonders! [:)] back to not assuming anything - dont assume he wants a drink, ask him, dont assume he wants to get physical, wait for his move. in a way, step back from youreself a little bit and give him the room to step forward. when you start doing those things, start checking youreself and notice his response to you, because he will notice and he will respond that feeling youre after will come along. i might be wrong but i think youre almost not allowing youreself to let go because you feel its down to him to take what he wants all of the time, it isnt at all, least i dont think so, sometimes our gestures and methods of giving respect and attention to them feeds the flames and strengthens the bond - well, its what ive picked up along the way anyhoo.

LadyPact -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/29/2010 3:31:33 PM)
I notice one thing that isn't on your list of compatibilities are the areas of ritual and protocol. Some people aren't very big on these things, but for those who are, they can be very important in a dynamic. It can help to 'set the tone' of the power exchange and reaffirm your feelings of your place with him. This doesn't have to be overly complicated or big dramatic productions. Maybe this is something the two of you can discuss as a way to help you center.

WestBaySlave -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/29/2010 3:36:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wandernwonder I currently have a Dom. Theoretically, it sounds like a perfect match; close geographically, common interests, both kinky and vanilla, compatible personalities. I feel completely at ease with him, and he's completely open, honest, sincere, and caring. In short, everything I look for in a Dom. The problem seems to be that I often feel more like a good friend than a submissive. I don't know if it's because he has been too open, sharing personal things with me, or he just doens't have that dominant personality "vibe", or what. But I know that in a previous relationship I felt completely submissive to the Dom, even though there were issues that led to the ending of the relationship, whereas currently I feel like I have to keep reminding myself that I'm his sub. I think I understand your headspace here. A while back I explored things with a very nice man who was intelligent, charming, and great fun to be with. Yet, no matter how much I liked him as a person, the desire to be his and serve him wasn't there at all. Are you aroused by the thought of serving him? Do you get those goofy romantic feelings when he's around? Do you feel an attachment to him other than as a friend, whether it's kinky or vanilla? If you feel sexually and romantically attached to him in a vanilla way and but feel a D/s component is lacking, talk to him about it. Maybe you two need to move towards something more formal and protocol-oriented in order to emphasize your roles within the relationship. If you have as open and communicative a relationship as you've said, bring your current feelings to him, and maybe together you can address your unmet needs and find some solutions for both of you. If you only feel platonic friendship feelings towards him, maybe it would be best to move things into the friend zone and have a great friendship rather than a troubled romance. Chemistry just isn't fair sometimes. I've been with some men who were a horrible match in almost every way, yet the chemistry was electric and the D/s part just fell into place. I've also been with some wonderful men who I couldn't feel any physical or emotional connection on any level other than friendship.

peppermint -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/29/2010 5:26:38 PM)
Being submissive is what I am. Whether I have a Dominant or not, I am still submissive. Because of that I always feel submissive. I do not need another to make me feel more like me. What feeling are you missing exactly? Is it fear? Is is being sexually turned on at all times? Is it the feeling of being humble? What to you is the feeling of submission? Before I can even try to answer your question, I have to know what it is that you are missing.

SocratesNot -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/29/2010 11:56:17 PM)
quote: This may seem like an odd problem, but here it is: I currently have a Dom. Theoretically, it sounds like a perfect match; close geographically, common interests, both kinky and vanilla, compatible personalities. I feel completely at ease with him, and he's completely open, honest, sincere, and caring. In short, everything I look for in a Dom. The problem seems to be that I often feel more like a good friend than a submissive. I don't know if it's because he has been too open, sharing personal things with me, or he just doens't have that dominant personality "vibe", or what. But I know that in a previous relationship I felt completely submissive to the Dom, even though there were issues that led to the ending of the relationship, whereas currently I feel like I have to keep reminding myself that I'm his sub. My question is how can I feel more submissive? I should mention this is not a 24/7 relationship, so things like "doing smal services" for him etc aren't really feasible. I think you should not focus on "how to feel more submissive". Try to appreciate all the good things you have in common with him and all the good feelings that you share with him. Also, try to act submissively. Put him first in everything, try to treat him as well as possible. Your utmost respect, love and treating him very well may trigger some dominant feelings in him. Or what is maybe even more important - talk openly with him about some kinky games. Tell him what you would like him to do to you. Tell him openly what kind of dominance you would like to experience. But in general, your primary focus should be on him and on success of your relationship. Your feelings of submission are secondary. Focusing on your feelings of submission is a little self-centered and egotistical. Paradoxically the less importance you give to your own feelings of submission, the more submissive you will feel.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/30/2010 2:37:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SocratesNot But in general, your primary focus should be on him and on success of your relationship. Your feelings of submission are secondary. Focusing on your feelings of submission is a little self-centered and egotistical. Paradoxically the less importance you give to your own feelings of submission, the more submissive you will feel. I have got to disagree here. I have had relationships where the person identifies as a dominant but I simply could not feel submissive to them. My last relationship was with two big scene players, with her I felt perfectly submissive but him not so much, this was a guy who believed himself to be intrinsically dominant and my inability to feel submissive was a massive blow to him. Like the Op I just didn't get the vibe, I thought he tried too hard and he was so totally unaware of himself that it was impossible for me to loose myself in him. To go back to the section I have quoted, if I start a D/s relationship and I don't feel submissive then it can't be a D/s relationship and much as its nice to focus on the good parts if both parties want/need the power dynamic then it is not going to work. Depending on what the submissive is like as a person. I am not submissive in my day to day life, I see the submission in relationships as a massive relief and ability to relax and be myself, if I don't have that deep in my belly feeling then I just go to my default personality. Trying to see why the feeling isn't there is a good thing, and as the OP seems to have a good level of communication then hopefully if the reasons come up then there could possibly be changes, I guess it depends how the OP works. Personally if I don't feel submissive initially I find it next to impossible to ever get that feeling. I wish you luck though, it does sound like you do have something good there, it just depends on the type of person you are and how you work through it.

DesFIP -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/30/2010 5:36:58 AM)
Do you need a more regular reminder of your place? If so a ritual could be helpful. You could have to kneel by the bed morning and night repeating a mantra. You might find a maintenance spanking helpful if you need a more physical centering of your place. But the one thing you need more than anything else is to learn to talk to him. Have you told him how you feel or are you just planning your exit strategy? Because that's wrong. He could well yank your chain harder if he knew you need that. But it is unfair for you to expect him to read your mind.

SocratesNot -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/30/2010 7:38:02 AM)
As DesFIP, said - the most important is to talk openly to him - he can't read your mind. If he actually finds out that you think he isn't dominant enough, he'll probably do all that he can to prove his dominance. Rituals can also be helpful to send you into this submissive headspace. The last thing you should consider is leaving him. Try to appreciate all the good things about him and this great compatibility that two of you have. Such things are extremely hard to find in a person, so appreciate it, don't leave him. The only time you can consider leaving, is if even after you talked openly to him about all these things and you still feel unsatisfied. However, give him some time. Don't expect him to change totally overnight. The D/s dynamic takes some time to develop. If after six months of various attempts and your open communication with him about all the aspects of your relationship you still feel unsatisfied, only then you should consider leaving.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/30/2010 9:48:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SocratesNot The last thing you should consider is leaving him. Sometimes there is no point forcing something you can never see and therefore never want to happen

SocratesNot -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/30/2010 10:12:39 AM)
quote: quote: ORIGINAL: SocratesNot The last thing you should consider is leaving him. Sometimes there is no point forcing something you can never see and therefore never want to happen I am really perplexed by the fact that slaves usually encourage other slaves to stay in relationship in which they are neglected, treated to harshly, deptived of elementary knowledge or even abused in some way, while at the same time, they encourage them to leave a perfectly normal and healthy relationship just because "they don't feel submissive enough". Submission is not an emotion - it's a behavior. You ARE submissive to someone or you AREN'T. If you obey, you are submissive. If you don't obey you aren't. Concept of "feeling submissive" is highly dubious. Maybe she should focus more on BEING more submissive to him (by actually performing acts of submission and obedience), and not on "feeling" more submissive.

DesFIP -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/30/2010 12:02:22 PM)
To you it's a behavior. To me, it is frequently a feeling. And I can't get that feeling on my own. I need him to make it happen. I don't submit in a vacuum and if I don't feel him giving off dominant energy, I can act submissively while still thinking "What an idiot" the whole time. Hell most people in entry level jobs do this. I also do not see people all the time telling abuse victims to stay and take it.

laurell3 -> RE: How to feel more submissive (5/30/2010 12:11:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SocratesNot Submission is not an emotion - it's a behavior. You ARE submissive to someone or you AREN'T. If you obey, you are submissive. If you don't obey you aren't. Concept of "feeling submissive" is highly dubious. Maybe she should focus more on BEING more submissive to him (by actually performing acts of submission and obedience), and not on "feeling" more submissive. See? THIS is completely ridiculous. You just can't run around espousing garbage that you got from porn and the net and acting like it's gospel. First of all there's not enough information in this OP to say one way or the other if she should leave or not. The OP hasnt' been back to reaffirm or explain or answer the questions asked. Assuming we know whether she should stay or go under the information provided is silly. Second, you're once again wrong. Yes submission can be a behavior, but it is very much a feeling and sometimes it just is not a headspace you can get to with certain people. You can kneel at their feet until hell freezes over, it isn't going to make you identify them as YOUR dominant. I've met some incredibly cool people over the years that I could never submit to. Submisssion requires many things, the most paramount (imo) being trust, there just are people you never get there with. You see Socrates, it isn't enough to proclaim things, you have to FEEL them as well, which is also ironically, the piece that you are missing in the entire scheme here. Please stop advancing these self-evident truths that are nothing but uninformed opinions.

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