quote:

A year ago i had this job where everyone treated me like shit. It would be wet all day long, and then i would go home and mastrubate. The meaner they were, the hornier i felt. It got to the point where it was interfering with my life. It was making me slightly crazy.

quote:

Being treated that badly was almost hypnotic. It was like being in a trance. i felt like i was actually living the life of a slave.

quote:

There was a customer that came in every day just to gawk at me and act like a jerk just to see my reaction. i think he figured out i was submissive even before i did. I fell in love with him.

quote:

Then he told all his friends, so they could come in and gawk at me too.

quote:

It was like being on display, like at the zoo, or something.

quote:

But i don't feel submissive. Does anyone else have this problem? Do you feel that you have to be miserable in order to be submissive/horny?

quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

i go through these "phases" of submission. When i feel worthless and miserable, i get really turned on. A year ago i had this job where everyone treated me like shit. It would be wet all day long, and then i would go home and mastrubate. The meaner they were, the hornier i felt. It got to the point where it was interfering with my life. It was making me slightly crazy. Being treated that badly was almost hypnotic. It was like being in a trance. i felt like i was actually living the life of a slave. There was a customer that came in every day just to gawk at me and act like a jerk just to see my reaction. i think he figured out i was submissive even before i did. I fell in love with him. Then he told all his friends, so they could come in and gawk at me too. It was like being on display, like at the zoo, or something. Eventually, i got so angry that i quit, but in the meantime it made me really horny.

My question is this: i haven't felt horny since this happened. i have a hard time feeling submissive, and i think it's because i'm happy now. i have a good job. Everybody's really nice. My job is boring, but satisfying, and i'm paid well. Nobody is yelling at me or treating me like shit. i'm living in a place where i feel safe and respected. i actually have self esteem. But i don't feel submissive. Does anyone else have this problem? Do you feel that you have to be miserable in order to be submissive/horny?
pam

quote:


But it seems that you associate your submission with persons and activities that humiliate and degrade. Which is fine. You'll simply need a partner that can instigate those things and give you the mistreatment you crave.

quote:

I have a different esplanation for you, Pam. I wonder if you were not feeling submissive but instead choosing to "disappear" to handle the ugliness. Then at home, you found some relief (like taking a hit of heroine).

There is a difference between dominated and being verbally abused.

Perhaps you might want to seek some counseling. At the very least, you may want to consider pairing your sexualized feelings with something more positive.

good luck,
sunshine

*eta: I don't have a judgment about what you are doing. I am concerned though that you were dependent on strangers, people at work to fulfill this ache in you. It is also an issue because it affected your life. Living in a trance as you say sounds an awful lot like "shutting out" something ugly.

If you are able to find someone who can do what you need (and not *harm* you), good on you. However, you sound pretty lost and desperate. That is why I am suggesting therapy.

quote:

Bullshit! Don't listen to her. While humiliation and pain is OK in some sort of play, you should by all means avoid people who want to degrade you or mistreat you.

quote:

You're being melodramatic. My suggestion was for her to find those things with a partner rather than persons that have no desire to participate.

While you are free to state your opinion. You have never owned. Never been enslaved. Nor been the instrument of humiliation or degradation or on the receiving end. Your understanding of all things BDSM are relegated to text.

~porcelaine

quote:

You should try to associate being horny and other sexual feelings with positive experiences.
If you can't do it on your own, maybe some counseling or therapy can help you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09
i have a hard time feeling submissive, and i think it's because i'm happy now. i have a good job. Everybody's really nice.

"The most dedicated and enduring submissives and slaves are the ones who approach their submission as a healthy furthering of their own self-exploration and personal development, and who remain in touch with, aware of, and maintain responsibility for their own mind-space and the thoughts that happen there (including any choices made that are based upon those thoughts)."

quote:

Porcelaine, your advice to her is only valid if she has the same personality as you do.

quote:

Since she clearly stated that now she feels OK, and has a happy life, and doesn't feel submissive, why are you forcing your own views to her?

quote:

Maybe for her it's perfectly OK not to feel submissive. And maybe she can find ways to get sexually turned on by other things, not just submission.

quote:

And even if she finds a partner for D/s it should be someone who will respect her, love her, and treat her well.
If he includes humiliation and degradation in some scenes, then it is OK. They will have good time together.
But if he genuinely mistreats her, has no respect for her and does not care about her, then it's gonna be very bad and abusive relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

i've discussed in my blog before the difference between submission for attachment vs. submission for detachment.

i often see women submitting for detachment - i used to do this myself.  It is a condition where she is submitting in order to be "taken away" from something she can't deal with, or to reinforce negative feelings about herself.  It's a similar condition to why women sometimes overeat, or choose to give themself up easily for multiple sex partners - she wants to escape somehow. 

Submission for attachment, on the other hand, is about building effective and positive relationships with others - primarily the Dominant person or people involved, but also with friends and associates and acquaintances in the community.  It is about her owning her submission, and using it as a positive life experience tool that enables her to give of herself in a way that is healthy for her .  It is about being built up as submissive, vs. being torn down - and even though "being torn down" via humiliation, etc., might be part of the process, it actually becomes a healthy part of the process - because she emerges rebuilt, and closer to those she loves/cares about and much more self-aware.

i think a good number of women on CM (the "dating" side, not so much the boards) are actually seeking submission for detachment - they are seeking an escape.   Unfortunately this just turns into a vicious cycle of unfulfilled disappointment, because no one on this planet can truly help you escape from yourself in a healthy way - at some point the mental jump has to be made to own the process on your own and figure out that no one can "fix" you - but you.

One of my most favorite quotes about submission (author unknown) is about this methodology of attachment: 

"The most dedicated and enduring submissives and slaves are the ones who approach their submission as a healthy furthering of their own self-exploration and personal development, and who remain in touch with, aware of, and maintain responsibility for their own mind-space and the thoughts that happen there (including any choices made that are based upon those thoughts)."

This is submission for attachment - and it is a much healthier, and more enduring methodology for functioning as a submissive in a D/s relationship.

[edited for clarity]