MistressXbox
Posts: 12
Joined: 6/2/2010
Status: offline
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Hi everyone, it's me -- lurch's "Domme In Question."
First and foremost, I'd like to say thanks to those who've chimed in on this thread! You've given both of us lots to think about. Many of you have opened my eyes to some new perspectives. I appreciate it and I thank you.
Some folks have said that they're only hearing lurch's side of the story, so I thought I'd chime in and clarify with my own version of XboxGate. This will be a very long post, so don't say I didn't warn ya. :)
A tiny bit of background: lurch and I met through CM in October (I have since deactivated the account). By January we were hanging out frequently on a regular basis (2-3 times a week). He had no BDSM experience; I've had several subs, and two 24/7 relationships (one only lasted about 6 or 7 months, and the other for about 5 years). Newbies are not exactly a walk in the park for me; right off, lurch proclaimed himself to be a "slave," though I explained that, perhaps, his self-assessment should wait until he'd had a little experience. ;) We agreed to try incorporating some D/s elements into our friendship. In order to show him that the 24/7 dynamic of his fantasies could prove more difficult than he thought, we agreed that during the month of May, he would be obeying any orders I gave him.
I did not have the authority to DEMAND that he see the dentist before May, though I did "suggest" it each time he'd complain about his teeth, which was almost constantly. Finally, he made some appointments -- yes, I have offered to go with him for moral support, though he has declined. Since he didn't want me to come with him, I offered to juggle my schedule so that he could spend the day with me instead of going home and being alone all day. (I don't drive, so usually he comes to my place.) The schedule was to consist of snuggling on the couch watching a movie, and some homemade soup for dinner: comforting on a stressful day, easy to consume after a tooth cleaning.
lurch has admitted to spending money frivolously even while he is currently trying to save it. We agreed that he could do with some help here -- thus, would no longer be allowed to purchase non-essential items without my express permission: including books, DVDs, and video games, which he has the habit of buying impulsively and sometimes regretting later. The Xbox game in this scenario was almost $70 and was some sort of limited edition with a special code for an especially important in-game item -- I can't remember the title of the game or any other details about it -- but we did both agree that it was not essential.
He did call me while he was in GameStop, but I was in the shower and didn't hear the phone. (I don't even think he should have GONE into GameStop, but I digress, this post will be long enough!) When he got to my house after the procedure, we didn't jump right into XboxGate immediately. We sat and talked about his teeth, what happened with the procedure, how he felt and what was happening now. We discussed it at length. Any caring person would have made sure that their friend was OK after a scary dentist trip.
Quite a bit of time had elapsed before I brought up the game. In response to my instruction, "Now, tell me about this game that you bought..." He launched immediately into a monologue filled with excuses about why it was actually OK for him to make the purchase... it was a special limited edition, the purchase was "no big deal," and since he was "very sorry" I should let it slide since I was the one who didn't pick up the phone, it was a mistake, he only bought it because he was worried about the dentist, he would never never never disobey again, etc....
I asked if he thought there was a better way that he could have handled the situation instead of defying a direct order.
His answer? Wellllllll... he didn't get permission... so yeah, probably he shouldn't have bought it. BUT... I didn't exactly say NO, because I didn't pick up the phone! And buying the game was not the worst thing he could've done, in his opinion. It really wasn't such a bad thing to do, in his opinion. So he'd be surprised if I was even upset about it.
I agreed that he shouldn't have bought it. I went on to state that while I did understand the stress and anxiety that he was feeling over this procedure, we agreed that he wouldn't purchase non-essentials, so he'd still be punished. My initial instinct was to have him return the game to the store. But the trip would have taken an hour of driving (GameStop was 30 minutes away, plus another 30 minutes back to my house), a bit much after the scary dentist. I decided that instead I'd confiscate the game and his Xbox for a week. (I figured he could give me the game now, and swing by with Xbox the next day when he was feeling better, though we hadn't discussed that part yet.)
Realizing that I was going to punish lurch despite his excuses, lurch became petulant and argumentative. He felt that a better way for ME to handle the situation was to just give him a warning since he's "done so well lately," and he's still "new," and "today wasn't an SM day anyway" and my punishment was unconscionably harsh for "a minor infraction." (He uses this term, "SM," to describe WIITWD. Obviously there's a lot more to our dynamic than fun torture-y stuff, but for some reason he is fond of using "SM" as some sort of an umbrella term. He understood perfectly that even if he wasn't coming over to paint my chicken coop, I was still as in charge as ever.)
I informed him that disobedience is a MAJOR infraction in my book and probably in those of most other BDSM lifestylers; that obeying was in fact a cornerstone of D/s for me, and I didn't take such an arrangement lightly in the least, even if it was a trial basis. Also, even if he was just coming over today for a social visit, it did not mean he was exempt from the D/s dynamic as a whole -- his actions proved that his "No-SM Day" argument wasn't valid. Otherwise, he would have never called to ask my permission to buy the game.
lurch continued to whine and pout and complain about how unfair I was acting over something he considered so very trivial; I was getting sick of the histrionics at this point, but was by no means nail-spittingly angry, just kind of exasperated. He'd had novocaine shots for the tooth cleaning, but no other medications administered, and his mouth was "a bit sore" but otherwise he was not impaired. lurch seemed to have enough energy to pace around my living room and throw a tantrum about his "minor infraction," so I decided that since his house only 10 minutes from mine, a drive home to get his Xbox would give him time to calm down and rethink his position. I had honestly expected him to be more reasonable when he came back.
When lurch returned, he seemed to have accepted his fate, placing the Xbox in my guest room and being much more relaxed. I started slicing onions for the soup, and talked about how French onion soup is prepared. (He's teaching me how to play chess, and I'm teaching him how to cook.) We were having a fine time until out of nowhere he whined, "You know, YOU made MY bad day a hundred times worse than it already was!"
"Why?" I said, "Because I punished you for buying the game?"
Yes. He said that I had twisted a very minor incident into a major one, and "it wasn't EVEN supposed to be an SM day," and he had been doing well for the past 2 and a half weeks of his probation, this was just a tiny insignificant mistake, I was expecting him to be "perfect" all the time, this was no big deal at all, I must not care very much about him or the horrors he'd had to endure all day, etc. etc., ad nauseum.
This was exasperating and annoying. My response was that if two people make a commitment to a D/s dynamic, then YES indeed-i-ly-doodle-y, it is in fact VERY reasonable for each person to expect the other to live up to their commitment; IMHO, what's UNreasonable is to assume that saying "Sorry!" and giving a bunch of excuses is going to eliminate a Dom/me's obligation to teach the sub through punishment when necessary. I informed him that I was not responsible for ruining his day, he went to GameStop of his own volition and decided that a video game was more important than his commitment, so he made his own day worse with his own actions. I also pointed out that an ACTUAL "slave," would have been released at worst, or forced to return the game to the store at best, as opposed to the slap on the wrist that I saw fit to give in light of his dental stress and newbie status.
His only response to this was that I wasn't being fair, and that NOW he probably wouldn't ever get his Xbox back. Even though we'd been friends for 6 months, and even though he'd left safely boxes of his stuff at my house for weeks while he was in the process of moving, and (as many of you had pointed out) he'd entrusted his personal and physical safety to me countless times, still lurch cited people he trusted have stolen from him in the past (!!), and so I probably just planned to dump him and keep his Xbox.
I realized that he was cranky and not at his best, and I had tried to take that into account with all of the BS he was throwing around. But this was much too much. I stated that he now had two options... the first was that he could accept responsibility for his actions, take the punishment like a responsible adult, and try with all of his might to open up his mind and learn a little something from this experience. If that wasn't acceptable to him, there was another option: he should not commit to a D/s arrangement with someone he cannot trust, and for whose authority he has no respect. What's more, if he was incapable of showing basic respect to me in my own home, then he should remove himself post-haste and be very sure to take all his crap with him. I pointed out that he should especially remove any gifts he'd given me from my possession; I wanted nothing from a person who thought so badly of me as to accuse me of making up elaborate ruses to steal a stupid Xbox. If I'd given a fraction of a shit about an Xbox, I'd buy one. The whole scenario seemed deranged to me.
Yes, I was angry enough to use expletives that I don't ordinarily use. And yeah, I probably did speak at a volume that was somewhat louder than usual. But no, I absolutely didn't yell, scream, or hurl fistfuls of gifts at poor lurch's head.
He did follow though with the punishment, though to this day he maintains that I was far too harsh with him, that the disobedience was a minor infraction, that I should have let him off with (another) warning (on top of his probation), that I "invent reasons to get angry" at him, that I "do nothing but sit around all day freaking out about things that aren't important," and that I expect a submissive to be a "mindless robot instead of a real person."
I have since released lurch -- this is not because I don't care about him, but because I do care. His response to this was that I can't possibly find a better submissive, and that I will regret my decision to release someone of his caliber. He's confident that if by some miracle anyone else will ever deign to serve me, they will be of such inferior quality and treat me so poorly that I will miss lurch and appreciate him more in his absence. I have urged him to seek therapy as some of his issues may need the attention of a professional.
I've read that some of you would have instantaneously released a sub at the moment of the infraction. To be honest, while I've had similar dynamics with other people, previous disagreements are often rooted in honest misunderstandings and/or pre-agreed bratty quests for "funishment" as opposed to genuine willful disobedience. My other submissives have usually brought their problems to me at an appropriate time and place; when there have been disagreements, the other party usually makes some effort to listen, to understand that I have a submissive's best interests at heart, and to work with me in finding a resolution rather than against me. So, dealing with a special guy like lurch really has been new territory for me. I did what I thought was best at the time.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to clarify any confusion about my side of the story!
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