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RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 12:34:54 PM

BitaTruble

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

in a previous post, somebody asked me why i consider my boyfriend to be vanilla when he had attended a BDSM event with me and is dating a Lifestyle and Professional Domme.

My boyfriend feels that he is vanilla because he is only interested in BDSM in a sexual aspect and not as a lifestyle choice from his point of view.

What is your personal opinion on what makes a person to be vanilla or what makes a person kinky?

To me vanilla is simply someone who does not live or practice some sort of alternative lifestyle. Kinky is subjective and one can live an alternative lifestyle and not be at all kinky. They are two separate issues in my mind.

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 6/3/2010 12:45:21 PM >

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RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 12:35:10 PM

MissAsylum

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lol i wasnt being snarky.

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RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 12:35:15 PM

Jeffff

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You are such a sweet talker!

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RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 12:41:03 PM

LadyPact

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Honey, you're talking to somebody who, on many occasions in her life has had someone look at one of the more <cough> inspirational toys and asked, "Is that going to hurt?".

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RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 12:44:44 PM

MissAsylum

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FR. if my boyfriend wants to identify as kinky- thats his business. i dont have a problem with his choice. i'm asking for individual opinions on what they feel is kinky or vanilla. like jeffff said, i'll get 1000 different opinions. so why not hear some of them?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 25

RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 12:50:20 PM

myotherself

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IMO - kinky or vanilla is a purely personal label.

I consider myself to be mostly vanilla, with a bit of kink. Friends describe me as extremely kinky.

It's about comparisons. What do we measure ourselves against, and how do we evaluate the measurements? It's purely an individual assessment.

That's why I don't think it really matters, because every label we give to ourselves will be blown out of the water by other people. It's pretty meaningless, and distracts us from actually going out there and 'doing' instead of 'thinking' and 'labelling'

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RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 12:55:01 PM

Jeffff

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Honey, you're talking to somebody who, on many occasions in her life has had someone look at one of the more <cough> inspirational toys and asked, "Is that going to hurt?".

There is only one answer to that question.

"Don't worry your pretty little head. If it doesn't, I will find something that does"

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RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 12:57:42 PM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot

quote:

So... who is kinky?

Kinky is the one who will never try anything but missionary position. Thinking that only this is normal is definitely perverted, and kinky.

And what about those people that find missionary kinky? Because for some people, missionary is their kink.

the.dark.

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Post #: 28

RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 1:01:26 PM

RCdc

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Greetings MissA, hope this thread finds you well!
It's just one of those words that means less than it tries to be. In general I see it used as a put down or as a word that attempts to make BDSM so much more 'different'.

the.dark.

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RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 1:05:23 PM

MissAsylum

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and i would agree with you to an extent. but thats why i asked what everybody's opinion is, based on an individual basis of themselves- rather than what others may think of you. my friends think i'm the biggest pervert to walk the face of the planet- but i don't feel that way. and in that aspect- you're absolutely 100% right.

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 30

RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 1:23:52 PM

MissAsylum

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that interesting. i never heard of it being seen as a put down. but hey, i jus moved out of an age group that thought everybody who liked rough sex was automatically into bondage and being spanked(although i'll admit- its pretty fun lol) so go figure.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 31

RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 1:26:30 PM

SailingBum

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quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot

There are no stupid questions, only stupid answers.

I agree with your answer.

Both can be equally stupid SHEESH. Rock falls on head...Did that hurt ...FUCKING Duh!!

BadOne

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RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 1:37:41 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Relationship DYNAMICS are not vanilla to me if they involve being based on something other than equal mutual expected authority and responsibility within the relationship in an ongoing basis.

This is why I consider my relationship with my partner to be ultimately vanilla- we are based on love and mutual compatibility, NOT an authority transfer.

ACTIVITIES are not vanilla to me if they would not be generally found in a couples primer preparing for marriage.

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RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 1:43:43 PM

laurell3

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See, that's the problem. I know a hell of a lot of married couples that call themselves vanilla, but the authority in the relationship isn't equal nor is it their desire to have it that way. Think of the 50's. Those people would have screamed if you suggested they weren't vanilla.

I also know people that find blow-jobs "kinky". That's normal, "vanilla" stuff imo. And some of the couples primers put out there by the churches...well...they're far from progressive or even realistic.

Finding a definition that fits based on others expectations will never work. This is no different than the sub vs. slave debate.

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RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 1:47:26 PM

LillyoftheVally

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Hmm I don't think anyone is vanilla, I think kink is whatever a person finds a little or a lot unusual, you set your own parameters and definition.

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Post #: 35

RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 1:52:45 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

that interesting. i never heard of it being seen as a put down. but hey, i jus moved out of an age group that thought everybody who liked rough sex was automatically into bondage and being spanked(although i'll admit- its pretty fun lol) so go figure.

I wouldn't say that it's used successfully as a put down though. It's only a them and us kind of thing... one of the buzz words.
It really doesn't mean as much as some think it means...(gets all Princess Bride).

the.dark.

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RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 1:53:31 PM

NorthernGent

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Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

in a previous post, somebody asked me why i consider my boyfriend to be vanilla when he had attended a BDSM event with me and is dating a Lifestyle and Professional Domme.

My boyfriend feels that he is vanilla because he is only interested in BDSM in a sexual aspect and not as a lifestyle choice from his point of view.

What is your personal opinion on what makes a person to be vanilla or what makes a person kinky?

I'd say vanilla and kinky are pretty much the same thing.

When you're growing up and getting into sex you slap a lass's arse and pull her hair...and on a good day slap her about a bit.......same thing......you do what comes natural.

But if you mean D/s.....then that's an altogether different matter. You build a relationship based on a certain dynamic...your dynamic....based on your needs....and you put a lot of time and effort into it....which is entirely different to a woman who dresses up now and again and gets a thrill from a pair of nipple clamps or something...and you treat her like a casual fuck...though I'm sure appealing to some.

Anybody can attend and event...anybody can get off on a bit of rough sex....nothing D/s about that....in my mind....D/s is about two people coming to an arrangment first and foremost and the relationship flows from that.......just turning up for a quick thrill maybe vanilla or kinky....but it isn't my version of D/s.

In sum....there'll be plenty who argue "to each their own"....and that's fair enough....but let's have it right...it's rough sex.

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RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 2:49:55 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

Those people would have screamed if you suggested they weren't vanilla.

Notice I didn't say they were automatically kinky. I said they were VANILLA.

My partner and I are vanilla in relationship, we're anything but vanilla in everything else :)

Vanilla does not automatically imply kinky, nor vice versa.

As well most people cannot separate the term "kink" in the ACT, and "alternative" in the DYNAMIC. Even kinksters tend to have difficulty with this.

I'd also ask if their relationship is BASED UPON the transfer of authority, or if it's based upon compatibility and love and it's simply how they work best together is for one person to have authority.

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Post #: 38

RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 4:39:45 PM

PerfectSurrender

Posts: 22
Joined: 1/29/2006
From: Saint Petersburg, Florida, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

in a previous post, somebody asked me why i consider my boyfriend to be vanilla when he had attended a BDSM event with me and is dating a Lifestyle and Professional Domme.

My boyfriend feels that he is vanilla because he is only interested in BDSM in a sexual aspect and not as a lifestyle choice from his point of view.

What is your personal opinion on what makes a person to be vanilla or what makes a person kinky?

People only use terms like "kink" to denote something that's out-of-the-ordinary. Whether that be for societal purposes or on the individual level, it really doesn't matter.

The things I like are "kinky" for the average straight male only because their desires are "average" and common.

That's how I define things.

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 39

RE: What do YOU consider to be vanilla or kinky? - 6/3/2010 5:04:50 PM

Andalusite

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Generally speaking, I respect the labels people choose for themselves. I've seen "vanilla" used as a derogatory term, but mostly toward people who are into S/M and/or bondage, by the D/s and M/s folks, rather than toward people who actually aren't kinky.

I've been in egalitarian kinky relationships, but I don't feel the term "vanilla" fit me at all when I was in them. IMHO, they don't have the right to unconsensually call me vanilla, or a doormat, or a slut, or a bitch, or a goddess, or any other BDSM-oriented relationship label or verbal humiliation endearment. I'm a switch, and at the moment, I'm a somewhat dominant Top. My femsub playpartner calls me "Milady," but I don't encourage that from other submissives who I'm not involved with. When I was in my previous relationship, I was a slave as well. Calling me by a relationship designation that is currently accurate, or using "switch," is fine.

LA, if you consider yourself to be vanilla, and want to use that term, I have no problem with that. Same goes for Jeff (leadership) and a few others around here. It doesn't accurately describe me, though, regardless of any dynamic or relationship I've been in, or even if I'm single and not playing with anyone. "Kinky" and "switch" are part of my identity, just like "heteroflexible" and "woman" are.

Laurell, I don't know of anyone who has no interest in kink who uses the term vanilla. Your friends might object to being called kinky, but I'd be pretty surprised if they insisted that they were vanilla, and would be curious how they had encountered the term.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 6/3/2010 5:10:58 PM >

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Post #: 40

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