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RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 3:48:19 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

That makes a lot of sense to me... I had a similar thought but more like it started as a bit of fun and fantasy for them as all of the dynamics in these "potential relationships" has been fairly extreme on the control aspects and when they realize I'm actually willing to follow through and make fantasy a reality...they realize they may have bitten off more then they can chew...


this happens A-lot!! -

this is actually a big stumbling block for some people.  it happened to me in real life once.  this guy was all over me, we'd had a few meets and theyd gone well, the bdsm was ok, nothing amazing but i suddenly got the distinct impression from this guy that his inexperienced repertoire was ebbing, his urges satiated by the play and the reality of having a sub who looked to him for leadership and direction was just way more than he'd bargained for.

in short, the play was fun but his interest in Ds was less than marginal.  basically he had kinky needs but no sustainable interest in Ds whatsoever.  so fine, he found that out, at my expense though - not so fine.

the thing is you have to actually be the kind of person who WANTS that control, enjoys it on whatever level a Ds Dominant enjoys it.  some time ago i tried to help this frustrated male sub by Doming him - it was pathetic really, i did my best for a time, but the drive to Dominate just wasnt in me and he knew it - thats when i got my first real insight into what it takes to be a Dominant - it isnt just about getting someone to do things for you, theres so much more to it that makes the entire process not just sustainable but profoundly important to them.  i have no idea what that is, what that feeling is, but ive seen it working inside of them and its visceral and at times powerful.



_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 3:54:22 PM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

theres so much more to it that makes the entire process not just sustainable but profoundly important to them. i have no idea what that is, what that feeling is, but ive seen it working inside of them and its visceral and at times powerful.

I hate to burst your bubble but it's the ability to get cake when you want it!

(I can't keep a secret worth a crap..They are going to oust me for sure now)


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 3:57:25 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

is there some underlying message that says "come fantasize with me"?


Hi JB,

You are ascribing a motive for the men's vanishing act.

You wonder if it's your profile which somehow encourages fantasy players. Maybe it's true. Maybe it's not. The fact is, you don't really know why they don't come to meet you. It may not be a fantasy problem, especially when you don't give them any wank material during your phone calls.

It's going to be hard to figure out what the problem is, because it's clearly cowardly of them not to explain why they don't come visit. It is awful. Passive aggressive isn't an attractive quality in Dominants, in my opinion.

I'm only trying to come up with other suggestions for their failure to visit. Because it might ultimately lead to some constructive changes in your patience level, or explicit geographic requirements.

January


_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 4:04:21 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
.As regards to my profile... It's not about chasing them off... it's about attracting the wrong type...is there some underlying message that says "come fantasize with me"?


youre new and learning and that will attract time wasters -

to be honest its a sort of 'initiation rite' you have to go through a certain amount of this before you give off some sort of aura that tells these guys its futile to even try.

it was sortof ellucidated in another thread where people were saying, 'yeah that happens, but it hasnt happened to me for ages now' - that peeked my interest - it is strange, but the predators and time wasters do stop calling and you kinda wonder why that is, i still havent worked it out -

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 4:09:41 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Jb,

I think maybe the forums might give new subs an unrealistic viewpoint of how many sane, intelligent and together guys there are out there really looking to do anything honest. You're looking for a needle in a haystack. Lally is right, it will get better, but I think much of that is because we learn to make our expectations more realistic. When I was looking most recently, I probably sorted throught 100 guys for every one that I actually talked to more than 2 or 3 times. Then again, location can change that factor, I'm sure. Europe is much more progressive than the yahoos I talk to here (or I'd like to think so, it surely can't be worse! ).

Time is the only answer.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 4:10:13 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

theres so much more to it that makes the entire process not just sustainable but profoundly important to them. i have no idea what that is, what that feeling is, but ive seen it working inside of them and its visceral and at times powerful.

I hate to burst your bubble but it's the ability to get cake when you want it!

(I can't keep a secret worth a crap..They are going to oust me for sure now)



well that would explain the chocolate cheesecake episodes - it all becomes clear to me now -

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Icarys)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 4:21:37 PM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

well that would explain the chocolate cheesecake episodes - it all becomes clear to me now -

(You did not talk to me..I was not here)


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 4:34:46 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
I don't think I've ever received such an eloquent compliment... Thank you. *blush*
Oh man. NOW I need to one up Ironbear... *sighs*

More seriously, Your profile is perfect. Perhaps Lally is right and getting right to the point of "I'm in spain, are you?" would help? Then again, perhaps it's just true that this is the internet and most people on it are living in a fantasy. I don't know.

What I DO know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is don't change either your profile or you.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 4:36:36 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527



What I DO know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is don't change either your profile or you.


Agreed.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 4:37:27 PM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I don't have a problem if they can't visit, I am understanding of the fact that not everyone can just hop on a plane at a whim...and I can be patient... I just have a difficult time understanding the vanishing act when a simple cmail saying they've changed there mind or aren't interested would suffice.

I do appreciate your input and thank you for taking the time to reply.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'


I have an explosive personality...


(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 4:46:36 PM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		Lally, Laurell, Jeff... Thanks, I guess it's a learning curve and I've probably been a bit naive. Because I'm direct and honest, and so many here on the forums are...I expect others to be as well, silly me

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'


I have an explosive personality...


(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 4:49:40 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

Lally, Laurell, Jeff... Thanks, I guess it's a learning curve and I've probably been a bit naive. Because I'm direct and honest, and so many here on the forums are...I expect others to be as well, silly me


Yeah....well there's nothing wrong with believing in people Jb, it's just not the right medium to assume something substantial is the motivation for many or even most. If I had a cock, I'd be on a plane to Spain in a heartbeat hon!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 4:53:01 PM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
I don't think I've ever received such an eloquent compliment... Thank you. *blush*
Oh man. NOW I need to one up Ironbear... *sighs*

More seriously, Your profile is perfect. Perhaps Lally is right and getting right to the point of "I'm in spain, are you?" would help? Then again, perhaps it's just true that this is the internet and most people on it are living in a fantasy. I don't know.

What I DO know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is don't change either your profile or you.


I agree.....except for one thing. I would have the part where you describe what you're looking for in a Dom higher up so that they don't need to get to the end to read it. Everything in your profile is great, it just (imo) needs that tweek.


_____________________________

And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

Team Troll Trollop
Member: Cocksuckers For World Peace
Charter member: Lance's Fag Hags
Member: Subbie Mafia
Member: Hibbie's Hotties

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 4:54:17 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		maybe we should be giving some insight into what we've actually picked up along the way.

i dont do any sort of on-line submission before we've even met anymore
itll be having to blow a ten force gale in hell before i ever call someone Sir or Master before we've even met
im not getting nekkid on cam for a stranger, ever again
i dont do phone sex with someone i havent met now
and actually i now have a hard and fast rule about chat on IM too - its email and then phone.  IM almost always turns into some sort of on-line submission test thing, ach!

in short, submission only starts to get working in any physical way after we've met and the chemistry is obvious between us.  anyone who thinks that they can get my submission on line is, in my view anyway, a fantasist by dint of the fact that submission for me means knowing the man im submitting to.  its an organic, gradual process that eccellerates once we've hit real time. 

online can be fun of course but experience has shown me that its the guys who through talking about every day stuff, not just BDSM or Ds but just the normal run of the mill, who make you laugh and can share silly moments and yet somehow, inexplicably hit that sub button where you can feel youreself being drawn into how his mind works and he doesnt ask you for proof of submission or tries to test youre submissiveness but engages youre brain and you can feel the ebb and flow start to kick in without anything really explicit actually happening or being asked of you - thats when i know ive bumped into someone that might just be the real deal.  from my experience that is.  others im sure have other experiences or thoughts on it.

you know the one thing that really makes me think - aha!! - its just in the simple flow of conversation - im quite shy at first about expressing myself and when a guy listens to me, waits for me to stumble out my thoughts and responds gently and thoughtfully i know im talking to someone who wants to encourage me and draw me out - and when he's talking and i almost interrupt and he can hear that i almost interrupt and continues talking, encouraging me to stop and listen to him i know im talking to someone who has already taken some control over me.

its those little things that really shout loud, for me anyway.

overt domlyness and demands before a connection has been really made switches me off immediately.

anyway, thats what ive come up with over time and it works for me.........,

< Message edited by lally2 -- 6/4/2010 5:51:57 PM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 5:47:02 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
If I had a cock,


/Offers a cock to laurel, along with explicit directions on its care and feeding/

jb, three men in three months would be amazing in itself, but for LDRs, it's incredible!  I suspect that maybe the relationships are burning themselves out because they started too quickly?


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 6:42:33 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
If I had a cock,


/Offers a cock to laurel, along with explicit directions on its care and feeding/



Cock a doodle as you dooooo. (sounds better in chook language but the Mods will likely cast a net over me and mail me to a psych ward ......

IB:
"Bawk bk bk bk bk bk bawk bawk bawk"
MOD: "Guilty of Fowl language!"


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 7:42:38 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I'm so sorry, I remember how excited you were about one of them (I wasn't aware of the other two). I haven't started looking again, but last year, every person I actively made plans to meet showed up, and at least looked the way they had in their picture, no obvious fakes or flakes. Some turned out not to be compatible at all once we met, and several didn't get to the point of actively planning to meet. It was a lot easier for me though, since I was only focusing on people who were at most 3 hours away, most less than an hour in decent traffic. I don't think you're necessarily doing anything wrong. I think there's a certain level of attrition that is normal for online dating. It's just that the stakes are so much higher, due to your circumstances, so it's probably a bigger disappointment if things don't work out.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 6/4/2010 7:43:24 PM >

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/5/2010 12:20:38 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		My life would be so much easier if women had cocks... or if I could get over my desire to worship st the alter of the almighty cock...

Sadly, I don't think either of those are likely to happen...

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'


I have an explosive personality...


(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/5/2010 12:44:33 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		All excellent ideas lally...and pretty much what I'm doing with potential relationships... but I admit that at this stage I also want a little on line play as well. It's a learning experience and has opened me up to things that I initially felt a great deal of trepidation about but now eagerly look forward to experiencing. So for me, it does have its place and I seem to be much better at choosing play partners then I am at choosing potential partners for a LTR as they've stuck with me even through my periods of putting things on hold while exploring the possibilities of a LTR.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'


I have an explosive personality...


(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: I'm so confused... - 6/5/2010 12:57:20 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		There may be something in what you say Steven... I have been quite enthusiastic in embracing their ideas of what they desired from me... but I never looked at them as actual relationships, only as men with a potential for a relationship depending on whether or not the online connection carried over into real life.

Andalusite, Thank you, that one was a stronger connection then the other 2. We had shared so much with each other and he had opened me up to possibilities I wouldn't have considered a month ago... so yes, it was quite disappointing and a bit painful when he vanished in the manner he did.

Thanks for sharing your experiences as well.

Zephyr... Do I want a Dom who doesn't have the interest to read a profile through? I haven't exactly written an epic novel...

< Message edited by jbcurious -- 6/5/2010 1:02:11 AM >

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'


I have an explosive personality...


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 60
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