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RE: I'm so confused... - 6/5/2010 8:11:20 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

My life would be so much easier if women had cocks... or if I could get over my desire to worship st the alter of the almighty cock...

Sadly, I don't think either of those are likely to happen...

No, it will happen, when you find one worth worshiping that's worthy of your adoration.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 61

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/5/2010 8:25:13 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

All excellent ideas lally...and pretty much what I'm doing with potential relationships... but I admit that at this stage I also want a little on line play as well. It's a learning experience and has opened me up to things that I initially felt a great deal of trepidation about but now eagerly look forward to experiencing. So for me, it does have its place and I seem to be much better at choosing play partners then I am at choosing potential partners for a LTR as they've stuck with me even through my periods of putting things on hold while exploring the possibilities of a LTR.

you evolve as the door revolves - its true and its far better to play than hold back waiting for The One - everything you explore and experience is part of how you grow and understand youreself. you cant know something until youve experienced it. for sure my earlier years were full of this start/stop, in/out, off/on - in many ways its invaluable to you because its teaching you stuff about youreself all of the time. dont think for a minute that i dont see its value.... but.,

like you said in another response, you were hurt and it did knock you back a bit when this guy just dropped off the planet -

i adopted those rules for myself in the end because after being left high and dry (and once got stuck with a meaningless collar locked around my neck for two weeks before i got the key to remove it) i decided i needed to protect myself a little.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 6/5/2010 8:26:57 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 62

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/5/2010 9:43:31 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

i will only spend my time with one or two e-mails, then straight to phone; never going the chat, sex-talk route, taking orders or any of that shit. if after a couple of phone calls we don't meet, i blow them off. it's a waste of time and energy getting to know someone too much over the internet because you never really know them until you've met them face to face.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 63

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/6/2010 6:11:02 AM

Guest

Wow jb, you have amazing eyes. Nothing wrong with your profile ~ a dark, beautiful, serious woman? Those guys were idiots (many of my gender are). They may just want the fantasy. Keep looking, don't give up and you'll find him.

From your profile I got the impression that you believe a relationship develops naturally so if you are concerned about scaring them off with the degree of power exchange you desire then perhaps that doesn't need to be explicitly addressed.

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 64

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/6/2010 10:59:37 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
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Thank you Mesmerist, the degree of power exchange was actually something that their profiles depicted... I actually hadn't considered control to the degree they were looking for but admittedly did become quite interested in the idea. Looking back now, I would have to agree with you in that they were looking for the fantasy.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to Guest)

Post #: 65

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 9:17:16 AM

ownedbyPF

Posts: 126
Joined: 2/18/2010
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Hi jb! Sorry you are going through this, I think it's like others said... it's a right of passage, unfortunately! When I first ventured into the online arena I realized there are alot of fakes. Now, I used to hear that and think just of the "wankers." That isn't all that it's limited too though! There are a slew of men who will talk and chat and pretend like they are really serious, even without the wanking material, and then bail at the meet time. Why? I don't know. I think it's fantasy in a different form. Maybe they are really married? So the closest they can get to a D/s relationship is flirting with one, kinda building one, talking about one... talking about "how it will be" for however long they can until the sub says meet. Maybe they aren't married, but their picture is a total fake, they are really ugly, or absolutely the wrong age, or whatever their "issue" is. Maybe they know that in order to have that whole power exchange thing it takes alot of time and work and responsibility, so while they love the idea of it, and they love fantasizing about it.... they also love doing it only for a few minutes a day on the phone... not all of the time in real life... so again, it's how they get their fill, until the sub says meet!

So, it isn't you. It isn't your profile. It's simply that there are more of those types of fakes than the real deal and like the wankers, ya gotta weed through them! Like everyone else said, after a while you get a better feel for them. Questions I asked... how many of these relationships have you had? How long did they last? What happened? (Then I'd pay attention to what they said in future conversations to see if the details matched up. I can't tell you how many things I ferretted out of men based on catching some small out of line detail) I'd also throw out stupid things like... my lawn mower broke. Sounds stupid, but my experience was that someone who wasn't just "on" for the conversation would immediately offer suggestions aaaand follow up on what happened with it. Seriously, I know it sounds stupid, but it's true. Little day to day life experiences and someone's reaction tells you alot about where their head is really at.

Hang in there!
~s

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 66

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 11:22:27 AM

jbcurious

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Joined: 3/13/2010
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Thanks for that, I didn't stop to think that they would fantasize outside of the sexual arena but you're right, in each case these men were building a fantasy relationship based on an idea rather then reality which in hindsite was obviouse because they never asked personal questions... How many kids, how long divorced etc. ...and I have to admit, I did get a bit distracted by all the yummy details of what could be...

Your lawnmower thing? Not dumb at all... how a person deals with the mundane says a lot about who they are.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to ownedbyPF)

Post #: 67

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 12:20:44 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

I do understand what you're saying and if the subject came up as a problem then it would be addressed... but all of these men have had no issue with calling me 2 or 3 times a day...I'm sure any of their phone bills cost more then the price of a flight.

We discuss everything else, I would think this would be open for discussion as well.

As regards to my profile... It's not about chasing them off... it's about attracting the wrong type...is there some underlying message that says "come fantasize with me"?

I've taken my time to respond to this. I didn't understand what I found amiss initially but it came to me earlier today. Reading your responses have helped clarify a few things, especially the one I'm quoting.

You speak about the money they spend. Is this one sided? You remark casually how it would cost more than a flight to have multiple discussions on the telephone. And with all due respect that's pretty baffling. If you're out of range for most then getting involved with you is going to be one hell of an investment if the prospect isn't down the road.

With all of this you mention meeting in three to four weeks? I don't know. It just sounds very unrealistic in my opinion. And I've been in an LDR internationally and we were together for years under one roof. That was a collective investment made by two not one.

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 68

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 1:03:46 PM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

ownedbyPF is so right - there are many men out there who just want to live out the fantasy online or on the phone of being in a relationship with a sub/slave woman - and never have any intent of meeting. And they will discuss everything, not just sex, and lead you to believe that they are very serious, until the time to meet arises and then - *poof* - something goes sideways.

i think the main thing to ask yourself and remember is - are you benefiting from the interaction? If the answer is yes, then don't sweat it too much. i've had potential Owners i've met after 2 weeks, and i have some that i'm still having conversations with that i've spoken with for months, and still don't know when we'll meet - but the interaction is beneficial for me, and if that's all it ever is i'm at peace with knowing i've had some fun and interesting conversations with a Dominant man i wouldn't have gotten to know otherwise. The key is to just not become too emotionally invested until things become "real" - that is a face to face meeting, and face to face discussion, and future steps and plans together. You'll know when it happens.

i also don't put much pressure on the distance issue - again, if it's right, it will happen. i flew to NY to meet my ex Master years ago after we had been speaking for 3 weeks - and we immediately knew that we were soulmates (i believe you can have more than one soulmate in this world). He and i became very close very quickly, and the distance was not an issue - if it is meant to be, it will be. We were together and grew and learned and loved for 5 years - we are still very good friends after our split almost 2 years ago for non-BDSM reasons. And in more recent time i have had men that i've flown to several times to meet now, no big deal - it is simply is what works best for the two involved. Yes, i haven't had that right situation for me yet in my current search, but honestly i've been approaching the search in general as a time of learning and growth for me - and i sense that i'm closer to being Owned 24/7 again every day.

Bottom line is you can't take things too seriously - until it is time to take things seriously. Keep smiling and know that it takes all sorts to make a world, and you'll connect with those you connect with, and not with the ones that you don't. It is all about your journey as as submissive woman in your heart, mind, body and soul, and right now is a fun time of exploration as you speak with others. So have some fun, learn a bit, and lots of hugs to you.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 69

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 1:28:36 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

I'm perfectly happy to set up a time to pop down to the internet cafe and use Skype for conversations... the fact that they chose to call me direct 2 or 3 times a day was never something that I asked for or expected...

The reason I brought it up was because it "baffeled" me. Why would a man invest this way and not follow up? As I said in a previous post, I'm tied to the island for 6 months a year, so if anyone wants to meet me prior to Nov. then yes, they would need to come here... but, it's a beautiful spot for a holiday and I'm a hell of a good cook.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 70

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 1:43:16 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
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I actually did learn quite a bit... not just in regard to the fact that there's more then one kind of fantasy play but about myself and that I'm open to a lot more then what I thought I was.

The last man had an extremly opening effect on me...in discussing his expectations and desires for a relationship he made me see things in an entirely different way that allowed me to embrace rather then fear or avoid them. I think that was also what hurt...that he had made me desire what he wanted, knocked down walls that had been up for years... but walked away without ever seeing what the reality could have been.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 71

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 1:43:29 PM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

It's not you hon. You are a fantastic, intelligent, funny, beautiful, insightful and wonderful woman I am proud to call friend. Unfortunately, the internet gives them the ability to be anonymous and say anything. Yes, your radar will get better, but ANY of us could get taken for a ride and not know it. Anyone that tells you differently is just full of shit. It's not you. Hang in there, you will find someone, it just takes time.

I adore you, if it's any consolation!

Ditto to this.
Its definitely not you because your all of the above and of all people, you really don't deserve this.

Some people will string you along as long as possible but they never have any real intention of meeting you because theres nothing tangible and real. They didn't come over because they lied to you about something substantial.
How can you possibly know who is genuine and who isn't? I had it happen to me on various occassions before meeting Steve. All I can say is, they were no real loss and they were never real in the first place but I know that's not much comfort to you when you have had such recent disappointment. Its not only the disappointment either. You revealed yourself to these men and they fed from you. They encroached into your personal space through deceit and then left you worrying that something terrible had happened.
I know you will find happiness, you just have to be patient and not build your hopes up until your in the right mans arms.

Hugssss xxxx

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 72

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 1:54:58 PM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

With all of this you mention meeting in three to four weeks? I don't know. It just sounds very unrealistic in my opinion.
~porcelaine

Why?

A plane ticket to Spain is relatively cheap and you can be there in a couple of hours. I used to regularly fly to Madrid in the morning and back in the afternoon. It would cost more and take me longer to get to Scotland from London than it would to Spain.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 73

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 2:00:01 PM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

With all of this you mention meeting in three to four weeks? I don't know. It just sounds very unrealistic in my opinion.
~porcelaine

Why?

A plane ticket to Spain is relatively cheap and you can be there in a couple of hours. I used to regularly fly to Madrid in the morning and back in the afternoon. It would cost more and take me longer to get to Scotland from London than it would to Spain.

Agreed. i used to tell people that it was a shorter trip to fly from Austin to NY than it is to drive from Austin to Dallas (it is) - and the fuel costs aren't much different either. Austin is great in that i can fly to just about anywhere in the US or southern Canada in about 3 hours or less since it's centrally located.

The world is a small place these days - it's just if two people share the same perspective - again, compatibility.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 74

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 2:01:58 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

Thanks Maria, for everything!

That horrible thought that something had happened to him I've finally put to rest and accepted what is...doing a search for diving accidents in the Red Sea turned up nothing which has set my mind at ease. I am dealing with it or I wouldn't have been able to bring it to the forums and I have gotten a lot of different insights which has been helpful in trying to make sense of it all. Xx

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 75

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 2:21:16 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedbyPF
There are a slew of men who will talk and chat and pretend like they are really serious, even without the wanking material, and then bail at the meet time.

The entire post by ownedbyPF is superb, but I'll just quote this part, because I want to bring out the "other side" of online interaction, too. It is a red flag if the man is too serious with you before meeting in real. The guy should also have an attitude very much like what UniqueRaven suggested in her post to you. How could he possibly know if there is chemistry in real life? If he is so certain omg omg that there is chemistry, he is building a castle in the air, and courting his illusory Rapunzel in the castle, not courting you. Before the meet, he's making friends with sexual overtones, and that's it.

So it's a tightwire, and it can be hard to balance on it. The dom has to be serious enough, and interested enough, to buy a plane ticket, but not excessively serious that he doesn't understand the difference between online and real. I've flown for a lot of dates, and I've hosted when a woman flew to me for a first date. In each case, we spent hours online chatting, but we knew that when it came right down to it, all we were purchasing was the opportunity to meet in real life.

It may sound weird, but the dom is a lot more likely to meet with you if he is serious but not ga-ga about you -- and he is much more likely to go poof on you if you are his everything, the perfect sub, the answer to his prayers.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to ownedbyPF)

Post #: 76

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 2:31:44 PM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

It may sound weird, but the dom is a lot more likely to meet with you if he is serious but not ga-ga about you -- and he is much more likely to go poof on you if you are his everything, the perfect sub, the answer to his prayers.

Exactly. Ditto this, said much more succinctly than me.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 77

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 2:39:16 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
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Thank you RM... I guess I have been feeling a bit like Rapunzel and embarrassing to admit, quite flattered by the attention... I believe I used the term "egg on my face" for how I would feel if the last one didn't pan out... Well I hear that egg is very good for the complexion...

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 78

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 2:52:28 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

It may sound weird, but the dom is a lot more likely to meet with you if he is serious but not ga-ga about you -- and he is much more likely to go poof on you if you are his everything, the perfect sub, the answer to his prayers.

Not a hard and fast rule as I believe you've eluded to.

It's okay to get excited and personally, anyone who doesn't seem a little excited to meet me or I her..I wouldn't be wasting my time to begin with.

Egg on a persons face is unavoidable jb. Being slightly more cautious isn't a bad thing but don't go overboard..I surely stay within driving distance if I were you..It tends to cut down on the bs at least a little.

< Message edited by Icarys -- 6/7/2010 2:53:09 PM >

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

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(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 79

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/7/2010 3:04:45 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
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Driving distance?? I'm soooo screwed, I live on a small island...

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to Icarys)

Post #: 80

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