RE: If I knew then, what I know now (Full Version)

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realcoolhand -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/4/2010 8:36:13 PM)

Yeah, I'll shush now.



lizi -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/4/2010 8:57:15 PM)

Oh geez, yeah, mistakes....I've made a ton of em. I think the biggest one was being relatively willing to view everyone that contacted me as having potential. I had no screening mechanisms, I had no clue of what I wanted so I listened to everyone. I figured these men knew what they were doing and I was desperate to follow someone. I let that someone be anyone. Why why why. Why didn't I think to be more selective? I don't really know and it's embarrassing in retrospect but mistakes usually are.

Thank goodness I found a decent man relatively early on or I may have crashed and burned in a more spectacular manner. As it is I have a few undesirable experiences to live with but nothing irreversible or horrible.



marie2 -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/4/2010 8:59:28 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

In the context of bdsm and D/s, it's easy to toss advice to someone that's new, but can you admit the mistakes you have made?


Yes. There have been a few doozies.

quote:

Did you struggle with accepting this part of you and if so, how did you deal with that?


I don't think I struggled so much with "accepting" it as I did with trying to figure out "why". I don't do that any more.

quote:

Do you ever still struggle with it?


The only thing I still struggle with (though not much any more) is avoiding men who have an abusive edge to them. While there is a part of me that responds to that, I've learned that I don't thrive well in that type of relationship, nor do I think it's mentally healthy for me. So I've learned to push that away when I see it, in favor of a more caring style of dominance.

quote:

What have you learned about yourself and others?


I've learned that it's not some big complicated, "special" thing. It's just a relationship with a particular dynamic. And we're just like everyone else with regards to the basics that we seek; care, love, comitment, consideration etc etc.

I've learned that many others like to see it as something more complicated than that.

quote:

Is there anything you would change if you could?


No.

quote:

What do you think is the most important learning experience you have had?


I can't say there has been a one "most important" learning experience. It's been more of a culmination of various situations and relationships that have brought me to the point I'm at....which is having a full understanding of what it is to me and what it means to me. For many years, I didn't really have a full grasp on that, and even the mistakes along the way have been instrumental in my personal evolution.




sublizzie -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/4/2010 9:07:44 PM)

I've learned to trust myself more than others. At first I trusted everyone except myself.

I've learned that I'm a hell of a lot more submissive and willing than anyone else knows but that keeping people in the dark about it has kept me safe.

I've learned there *are* good mentors out there who are willing to keep you out of trouble when you're new without expecting anything from you but they are few and far between. Luckily I managed to find a really good one!



porcelaine -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/4/2010 9:28:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

In the context of bdsm and D/s, it's easy to toss advice to someone that's new, but can you admit the mistakes you have made? Did you struggle with accepting this part of you and if so, how did you deal with that? Do you ever still struggle with it? What have you learned about yourself and others? Is there anything you would change if you could? What do you think is the most important learning experience you have had?


I've learned to choose a man that desires all of me. Not merely the slave or whatever kink catches his fancy, but the whole package and everything that entails. Anything less than that will be grossly unsatisfying and a betrayal of my happiness.

I dislike conflict in my relationships. I've spent time arguing over the stupidest things that were meaningless in the long run. It isn't about who's right or wrong but the recognition that an issue exists that needs to be resolved. Settle it and move on.

I like a man that takes me out of my comfort zone. If I'm safely tucked within its confines I won't be fulfilled. I need the push.

I used to have a hard time openly admitting my interest when I encountered someone that intrigued me. I'd dance around it due to fear of rejection. It seems a little silly now. He can only say no or not interested.

Recognizing patterns of behavior that bring you hardship can be the difference in finding the one you seek or a repetitive cycle of disappointment. When you've had enough you'll stop.

It isn't about proving yourself. It's recognizing your worth and having the conviction to wait until you encounter someone that sees and appreciates the same.

~porcelaine



sweetsub1957 -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/4/2010 9:38:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957

~Fast Reply~

Just because Someone says They're Dominant, it does NOT mean They're entitled to a blowjob to prove you're submissive.


Ron will be so disappointed.

[sm=rofl.gif]



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/4/2010 9:50:55 PM)

I made them ALL, sometimes multiple times.

I realized that by experiencing it, I'd be better able to relate to people and give guidance in how to go through it. I still get the "You don't remember whar it's like!" thrown at me when I tell a novice the way that WILL work, but isn't the way that will give them the most orgasm the quickest.



lucylucy -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/4/2010 10:23:57 PM)

In the context of bdsm and D/s, it's easy to toss advice to someone that's new, but can you admit the mistakes you have made? I learn by trial and error, which means I make a lot of mistakes, but seldom the same one twice.

Did you struggle with accepting this part of you and if so, how did you deal with that? I thought I was somewhat submissive at first and had no idea about the depth of my submission. I still remember Master saying near the beginning that he wanted to "explore my submission," and I thought, "This is it--nothing to explore." Ha. I did struggle quite a bit with giving up autonomy in some areas. Sexually, it was easy. Everything else--not so easy. I dealt with it a lot by reading the boards here. I also trusted Master completely, probably before I should have, but I did, on a very gut level, and I'm glad about that.

Do you ever still struggle with it? Not very often, but yes, occasionally. When I know I'm right and he's wrong about something . . . I struggle.

What have you learned about yourself and others? I can be extremely submissive to the right man. I can open myself up completely to someone else and feel safe about it.

Is there anything you would change if you could? I don't think so. I almost said I wish I had realized my submissive tendencies sooner, but I don't think I could have. I had to live the life I lived for 39 years to get to the point where I could recognize those tendencies and not bury them in fear of being vulnerable.



NuevaVida -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/4/2010 10:39:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

In the context of bdsm and D/s, it's easy to toss advice to someone that's new, but can you admit the mistakes you have made? Did you struggle with accepting this part of you and if so, how did you deal with that? Do you ever still struggle with it? What have you learned about yourself and others? Is there anything you would change if you could? What do you think is the most important learning experience you have had?



Huge mistakes - huge.  To begin with, I didn't fully know myself (let alone like myself) when I enslaved myself to my ex owner.  My standards were not what they should have been.  Also, I tried to live according to a label/definition, rather than according to what was really in my heart.  I compromised too much of myself.  I chose to believe lies, because I wanted them to be true.

If I could go back and change it, that would have saved myself all sorts of anguish, but then I wouldn't be who and where I am now, with the awareness of self I currently have.

I have since learned I love being loved, and I love the ability to really be myself and express all parts of myself.  I have come to love myself and my life, and I stepped very slowly into my current relationship, listening to every internal voice along the way.  I refuse to hide or water down parts of myself out of fear, and I have learned to graciously receive the goodness someone else chooses to give me.





jbcurious -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/5/2010 5:18:05 AM)

This has been a great thread to read... I'm not feeling quite so dumb now. [:D] After all the great input on my "I'm so confused" thread I've gone back and disected my conversations with my "vanishing Doms" and something has come to light...

While I knew pretty much everything about them on a practical level ie; Family, divorce, social life, interests etc. they knew nothing about me and had never asked those kinds of questions. It was all about the dynamic they were looking for, my thoughts and feelings on things related to BDSM... In one case I directly asked the Dom what it was about me that had attracted him to me... his reply was, he was mesmerized by my eyes, that I was classy. On hind site, what a load of crap!

I feel like I fit the image of a fantasy and none of it was ever about me as a person.

So... If I knew then what I know now, I would have looked for questions from them about my personal life, things that reflect who I am as a woman, not as a sub and not how I could fit into their dynamic.



LadyAngelika -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/5/2010 5:41:48 AM)

~FR~

Everything I know about BDSM I learned from life in general. Respect myself and my partner, our desires and take things one step at a time and experiment with possibilities. Assess risks and take precautions. Communicate and learn from mistakes.

- LA



kiwisub12 -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/5/2010 5:51:34 AM)

If i knew then what i know now, i still would have jumped in , boots and all, because my initial entre into this kind of relationship has been so wildly sucessful! I just wish i had discovered it at 22, not 48!




sirsholly -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/5/2010 5:53:19 AM)

If I had the chance to know then what I know now..........no thanks.

I have made a TON of blunders, both in and out of the D/s arena. Those mistakes are a part of who I am now. They are a part of my character, and are a guide in the judgements I make. They are a part of lifes expierences and have their own unique value.

If I were to say ok to altering the past then I would not be really content with the present.



ShoreBound149 -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/5/2010 6:43:20 AM)

quote:

In the context of bdsm and D/s, it's easy to toss advice to someone that's new, but can you admit the mistakes you have made?
I don't give advice to people unless I know their situation well enough to provide thoughtful advice.  I find the advice given here when very little is known about the person and the intimate details of the situation they are in has low value.  The request for advice on D/s relationship stuff almost universally has the same reply that would apply in any type of relationship. 

Those who can't or won't admit their mistakes are big dummies.

quote:

Did you struggle with accepting this part of you and if so, how did you deal with that?

I never struggled with accepting who I am.  However, in my 20's, I was not aware that D/s could be part of the foundation of a relationship to the extent that I needed it to be.  That resulted in a divorce.
quote:

Do you ever still struggle with it? What have you learned about yourself and others?

No struggles.  I've learned that many people are not fully self aware.

quote:

Is there anything you would change if you could?

I would have bought more Apple and Google stock.

quote:

What do you think is the most important learning experience you have had?

Life is 1% what happens to you and 99% how you react to it.



laurell3 -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/5/2010 6:48:57 AM)

Wow, great responses. Thank you all.



slaveheartx -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/5/2010 7:14:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

In the context of bdsm and D/s, it's easy to toss advice to someone that's new, but can you admit the mistakes you have made? Most definitely, and i have learned from those mistakes. Thankfully, early on, i had a Mentor that intervened, on my behalf because i was making potentially very harmful mistakes. I believe that his wisdom and guidance was the biggest turning point for me, which also leads into the next question from the OP.
 
Did you struggle with accepting this part of you and if so, how did you deal with that? Yes, i struggled for about 2 years in the beginning, when i was trying to figure "me" out. Some 17 years later, no i don't struggle with who i am anymore, i am comfortable in my "skin," and with who i am as a person. When this began all those years ago, i knew the depth of my submission (slave heart). i had just never truly been "seen,” nor had “i” ever really been seen/understood by any other, so it was hard to envision or even understand "me" in full, until i actually experienced all that this "lifestyle" is.
 
Do you ever still struggle with it? Not anymore.  However, i do still struggle with (as someone else mentioned), staying away from abuse in disguise. Which just makes me all the more careful and aware in knowing this fact about myself.
 
What have you learned about yourself and others? i've learned that i am a trusting sort of person, a people pleaser, and what i have learned about others as a whole, is that the epitome of "who" i am allows the "world" to take advantage of me. I've began to chose more wisely with where i offer my help to friends, family etc...i can't please everyone, and that has probably been the hardest lesson of all.
 
Is there anything you would change if you could? No, to change anything would mean that i wouldn't be who i am today. All of life's experiences and lessons, good and bad, have made me who i am today.
 
What do you think is the most important learning experience you have had? This experience came in the very beginning of me finding this lifestyle; i made some serious mistakes, trusted too quickly, believed all that was said to me, myriad other things related to this, but these are mistakes that i have never repeated again. i am however still learning and growing/living, so i am sure i've more mistakes to make. :)

i don't usually post, I just read and remain silent, however this has been an awesome and thought provoking post, it took me on a trip down "memory" lane. Yes, i believe as life goes forward we tend to sometimes forget where we started out, and truly how far we have came in this thing called LIFE, thanks for the reminder OP.
 






KnightofMists -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/5/2010 7:48:25 AM)


quote:


So... If I knew then what I know now, I would have looked for questions from them about my personal life, things that reflect who I am as a woman, not as a sub and not how I could fit into their dynamic.


I just love it when the light bulb goes on for a person.



jbcurious -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/5/2010 8:48:32 AM)

It takes some of us a little while to catch on...[:)]



MidMichCowboy -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/5/2010 9:02:59 AM)

I have learned some hard lessons. Its relatively easy to supply pain and pleasure for someone. What is harder is when you realize how vulnerable it can leave someones heart and that true mastery over yourself, means you need to fulfill that with your partner as well as yourself.
Life is more than a fantasy or a play. Its easy to find fulfillment in those relatively few minutes.
Much harder and much more evidence of real mastery of yourself (first and foremost) is bringing fulfillment to all aspects of a life with someone you love.



Rochsub2009 -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (6/5/2010 9:08:50 AM)

Hmmmmm, good topic.  Let me think.  If i knew then, what i know now, i would have done the following:

-Always remember that as a sub, YOU are responsible for your own well-being.  If it seems like abuse, it probably is.  If it seems too dangerous, it probably is.  If it seems illegal, it probably is.  Just because your Dom/Domme tells you to do something, that doesn't mean that you have to do it.  It doesn't make you a lesser sub because you don't obey every command.  Rather, it means that you have common sense, and a desire for self-preservation.

-Get involved with real-world BDSM as quickly as you can.  It is easy to fantasize and watch porn for years, without ever taking a single step to turn your fantasy into reality.  Log off the computer and go to a munch.  For a newbie, this may be the single best piece of advice you will ever receive.

-Nothing replaces a face-to-face meeting.  There are far too many people out there who will waste your time exchanging e-mails, chatting on-line, or doing webcam sessions for months or even years without ever gathering the courage to actually meet.  My recommendation is to meet as quickly as possible.  Sure, you should meet in a public place so that your safety is assured, but meet face-to-face.  You can learn more in a 5 minute face-to-face meeting than you can during months of exchanging e-mails.  Chemistry can only be evaluated face-to-face.

-Be open to trying new things.  If you don't enjoy them, don't do them again.  But at least give them a try.  Some of my favorite activities today are things that were hard limits for me when i first started out.

-Place relationship first, and kink second.  After all, a BDSM relationship is still a relationship.  If you don't fundamentally like your partner, the relationship won't last, even though he/she is the only person that you've been able to find who is into the same kink that you are.



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