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sskitten -> RE: If I knew then, what I know now (7/22/2010 4:21:12 PM)
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quote:
laurell3
In the context of bdsm and D/s, it's easy to toss advice to someone that's new, but can you admit the mistakes you have made? Did you struggle with accepting this part of you and if so, how did you deal with that? Do you ever still struggle with it? What have you learned about yourself and others? Is there anything you would change if you could? What do you think is the most important learning experience you have had?
The biggest mistake I made, by far, was cheating on my vanilla husband - putting my curiosity and craving for submission before love, commitment, and integrity. I worked up all kinds of rationalizations for it in my mind until I was brazen enough to post a "two worlds of trust" thread here in the spring of 2006, whereupon the good people of collarchat helped me to take a good hard look at myself. I came clean to my husband a short time later... the marriage nearly collapsed but he agreed at last to keep working on it as long as I stayed away from the D/s world altogether (later softening his stance to permit friendships with female subs). It took a long time but ultimately he forgave me, and I'm still working on forgiving myself.
Is there anything I wish I could change, besides that? Yes, I wish my husband were interested in domination. We tried for a short time but it was a failed experiment, probably tainted too much by the broken trust as well as needs and interests not meshing well.
What I've learned most of all is that my marriage is more important to me than my submissive longings, but I've also learned it's fruitless to try to shut off the spigot; I need to be true to myself as much as I need to be true to my husband. So... I have learned and am continuing to learn how to redirect my interest in safer ways: reading, thinking, writing, sharing with sub friends, experiencing vicarious pleasures, and of course fantasizing. My fantasies sustained me for most of my life before curiosity got the better of me and I'm sure they'll sustain me for the rest of my life... I can't help missing the joys of submission in the hands of a Dominant; it's not the same dabbling in a solo submissive journey... but I don't miss submission as much as I would miss my husband if I chose to put submission first in my life again. (Sigh.)
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