The essence of a Dom

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rickt42uk -> The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 12:18:32 PM)
Hi This is a serious and important question and I need to be clear that I am separating all elements of kink and fetish from the essential way of being that is dominance. I have been on CM for over 10 years, but have always struggled with my dominance, beleiving that there were two separate parts of me going on... a loving, caring and romantic vanilla element, and a dominant kinky part to me. I've suddeny had an epiphany that I've drawn the lines in completely the wrong way and that the two parts of me are actually, a highly compassionate and loving dominant, separate from my particular interests, kinks and sex drive. Since realising this, it feels that I have a new inner strength, a new observant way of seeing the world and sensing things in a sharper focus. It feels like all the things within me have come together to produce a new person who makes so much more sense. It even feels that I have an invisible perception around me that was Always dulled before. It's so incongruous to the insecurities that I've had. For years my idea of what a dominant is was clouded by the seemingly inextricable link with fetish and lifestyle, and the way that many twattish Doms treat women. I now realise I don't know how to be a Dom, I don't know what that essential thing is within a Dom that makes someone comfortable to submit to them. It's not entirely confidence or attitude, but something I am struggling to define. It certainly doesn't mean treating a sub in some sort of bossy or underhand way. It's more about instilling confidence and trust. I don't know if it even affects how I should speak, but I know it has something to do with how I carry myself and see the world. I don't even have a specific question about this to ask, but I know that I am becoming a better person for it, but I need to know more about what it truly means to love someone in a Dominant way. I don't think it involves being a cold and hard person, or even putting aside your issues or insecurities, but I know it has a lot to do with strength. I need some sort of guidance from anyone who can understand what I'm talking about, though as I say, I am coming to many realisations on my own, and while I am welcoming the changes that are coming naturally to myself, cannot force any change to my behaviour or philosophy. I just think that knowing more about what t truly means to be dominant, I will fond more that resonates with who I already am and allow me to accept that part of myself completely, moving forward.

rickt42uk -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 12:36:51 PM)
Correction for anyone Reading this who is feeling pedantic! I've been on CM prolly since 2003. My interest in D/s goes back about 10 years

Kana -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 12:37:56 PM)
Good post. I wrestled with the same incongruities for years. Reaching a point where the two sides unified was a struggle, but one that has left me a better man for undergoing the process. What I found works for me was a realization that I could do what I liked if I had the right partner, one where I knew she wanted and needed what I dished out, even the sickest most twisted shit. The other part was accepting the fact that, and I'm not saying this to sound like an arrogant ass but it's the truth, that I could treat a woman better than the vast majority of "Doms" out there-that by taking her submission, I was doing her a favor. Once I could reach internal peace with myself in these areas, I could really emotionally enter a bound relationship for the first time. Since then, many epiphanies have followed. She's my slave. I love her, but I'll hurt her. I'll push and pull and take her farther than she would willingly go of her own volition, and that's cool, because inside, deep down where her core is, she craves that and she needs to serve as much as I need to rule. I can be kind, I can be loving, I can also be cruel, selfish, cutting, but I'm not a dick, which makes all the difference in the world. As for what makes me worth serving, I would say it's the same things that make me a decent man. Not things like how great I am with a singletail (I suck) or what a shibari expert I am (which is good, cause I'm not-get it, not, Knot, sigh), but more character aspects like decency, integrity, a willingness to listen (and really hear), patience, introspection, etc... Good luck with your journey.

January -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 12:41:05 PM)
quote: Correction for anyone Reading this who is feeling pedantic! Well, um... trust is pretty important in Dominance, so if your first sentence starts out with a falsity, it isn't pedantic for anyone to point that out. But if you say correcting you is pedantic, that tells me even more about you. See ya! January

GraciousLady -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 12:46:43 PM)
I think you will make a wonderful Dom! Woman love a gentleman (gentle man) and your nature is to be that way. To me the contrast between your sweet self sitting and eating to much chocolate and the stern Master is very apealing to women who enjoy the mental and emotional more than the physical aspect of this lifestyle. Thanks for sharing your new self with us!

rickt42uk -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 12:47:16 PM)
Thanks Kana. That is the sort of thing I am driving toward. However, to me, to be dominant doesn't need to involve being cruel or hurting anyone. But I feel the same thoughts about integrity and generally being a good person (sorry to simplify it, but you summed up so much of what that embodies so well already) which is the essence of being worthy of a submissive. To me though, although the fetishes, the acts, the treatment of a sub are not intrinsic, but rather something separate that can be allowed to flourish under the circumstance of a fullfilled D/s relationship. I want to know what makes a Dom, in the sense that he can walk into a room with a sub, and she can tell him for what he is and feel the ability to submit to him, even with no actual acts taking place between them.

rickt42uk -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 12:53:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GraciousLady I think you will make a wonderful Dom! Woman love a gentleman (gentle man) and your nature is to be that way. To me the contrast between your sweet self sitting and eating to much chocolate and the stern Master is very apealing to women who enjoy the mental and emotional more than the physical aspect of this lifestyle. Thanks for sharing your new self with us! Firstly, thank you so much for your kind compliment! However, I don't see myself as having any stern qualities (I guess I need to know if I should have them) but rather that my loving, compassionate gentlemanly nature is one and the same as my dominant nature. Once the kinks, sex drive and fetishes are all removed, isn't a Dom essentially someone who makes a sub feel safe and loved and able to do those acts? My previous problem was at not being able to understand that the acts themselves do not define the Dom.

lally2 -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 1:08:06 PM)
just to chime in. what kana said makes heaps of sense to me as a sub. a guy can do whatever he wants to me pretty much, so long as he isnt a dick [:D] ill submit all day and all night, ill give him everything he wants from me and ill try to give that little bit extra - so long as he isnt a dick. it happened to me in the early stages - i realised i was submitting to a dick - his attitude was all wrong, cavalier and his actions poorly thought out. it actually created in me a burning urge to brat - to be a complete pig in fact because the whole idea of submitting to someone who really hadnt bothered to think any of it through beyond the point of having a sub and using her actually made the whole thing empty and pointless. to the OP - im fascinated by youre post, its wonderful to hear that Dominants have eurekka moments too - we hear so much from subs about their growth and change but rarely hear it from the Dominants - thanks for sharing.

rickt42uk -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 1:11:53 PM)
Thank you for your post. I am glad you found my revelations interesting. As an intelligent sub who obviously thinks about these things, and ego has got past the stage of the "dick doms" I'd be seriously interested in the qualities that you see as being those you pick up on in a true Dom?

crazyml -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 1:27:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rickt42uk Hi This is a serious and important question and I need to be clear that I am separating all elements of kink and fetish from the essential way of being that is dominance. I have been on CM for over 10 years, but have always struggled with my dominance, beleiving that there were two separate parts of me going on... a loving, caring and romantic vanilla element, and a dominant kinky part to me. I've suddeny had an epiphany that I've drawn the lines in completely the wrong way and that the two parts of me are actually, a highly compassionate and loving dominant, separate from my particular interests, kinks and sex drive. Since realising this, it feels that I have a new inner strength, a new observant way of seeing the world and sensing things in a sharper focus. It feels like all the things within me have come together to produce a new person who makes so much more sense. It even feels that I have an invisible perception around me that was Always dulled before. Bingo! This is really brilliant. quote: - snip snip - I now realise I don't know how to be a Dom, I don't know what that essential thing is within a Dom that makes someone comfortable to submit to them. It's not entirely confidence or attitude, but something I am struggling to define. It certainly doesn't mean treating a sub in some sort of bossy or underhand way. It's more about instilling confidence and trust. I don't know if it even affects how I should speak, but I know it has something to do with how I carry myself and see the world. - snip snip - Now I don't want to come over all "karate kid philosophy" there but I'd say that, having realised that you can reconcile your interest in dominance, with the fact that you're caring and compassionate, you're more equipped to be a dom (your kind of dom) now than you ever were before! Not every Dom will regard being a "a highly compassionate and loving dominant" as something they aspire to, some might even say that you can't be a dom if you're highly compassionate and loving, but there are plenty of sub women who are looking for exactly the kind of Dom you've discovered yourself to be. It may take a bit of adjustment, but honestly, I think you'll do ok, man.

laurell3 -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 1:31:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rickt42uk I want to know what makes a Dom, in the sense that he can walk into a room with a sub, and she can tell him for what he is and feel the ability to submit to him, even with no actual acts taking place between them. rick, Welcome to the forums. Are you talking about a sub you don't know at all in this quote? There is no true Dom formula, I'm sorry. Everyone is different and looks for different things just like in regular relationships. I don't really believe loving is different for us either. The same qualities you see in leaders are the things typically people here post about looking for in a Dom. What makes someone comfortable to submit to a Dom will vary too. Those "twattish" Doms you pointed out could very well be the ideal Dom for someone. The good news is, you can just be who you are and find someone that fits with that and fits with what you are looking for in a dynamic without worrying about any mystery formula. As Kana pointed out, I believe listening is one of a Dominant's greatest assets and you're already demonstrating that here very well. Good luck to you!

rickt42uk -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 1:34:53 PM)
Thank you for your support! It is taking adjusting to and I am constantly thinking about it and it feels like my head is expanding. The thing is that it's how I already am, but I never realised the full potential of myself before. Still not sure what it means entirely or how it means I may have to change how I am. Or whether I even do need to?

rickt42uk -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 1:37:47 PM)
I guess it's only fair that I do point out there is a specific sub, who helped me to these realisations and for whom I want to continue improving who I am.

laurell3 -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 1:52:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rickt42uk I guess it's only fair that I do point out there is a specific sub, who helped me to these realisations and for whom I want to continue improving who I am. Ok good, I was going to question your sanity if you thought we had Dom radar and submitted instantly based on it. [;)] I think the simple answer to that for me it the relationship is what gives you that trust, security and comfort with submitting, not necessarily any one characteristic of a Dominant.

GraciousLady -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 1:55:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rickt42uk Once the kinks, sex drive and fetishes are all removed, isn't a Dom essentially someone who makes a sub feel safe and loved and able to do those acts? That one sentence there is what defines you as Dominant. It also tells us what kind of Dominant you are. Some Dominants use fear, pain, lust or whatever works in that particular dynamic to control their submissive. You would inspire through gentle, loving control. Just because you would be gently guiding the relationship does not lessen your control.

lally2 -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 1:57:06 PM)
there have been quite a few threads on what qualities subs look for in a Dominant - i wish i could put the links up for you here, but im not sure how to - maybe someone will be kind enough to bring them up or just use the search facility. for me, personally i look at the person as a whole, as anyone would starting out on any sort of relationship with anyone - we have to connect as grown ups first and foremost. i know that some people take issue with the idea of their being a dominant personality and a submissive personality, but for me personality is the key. if their personality is of a naturally dominant disposition, in other words its what they are without all the fandango of protocol and juxtapositioning then i can relax and be myself too. it just becomes two people in a relationship that just happens to be based on Ds, where it leads beyond that is anyones guess, but thats part of the fun. when i boil down all of the attributes that makes a man a dominant to me i think im left with this: intuned - if he is intuned to himself and to me and to how things are feeling and going and that intunement means he will bring about changes if needed, push or slow down as needed, consider whats best for the relationship and he's on the money or at least close enough then i can relax and let go. he also has to have a creative evil streak [:D]

rickt42uk -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 2:07:55 PM)
The evil streak is definitely not something that particularly fits me. I'll admit that I can imagine some very cruel and twisted ways to treat people, although I feel I'm not as creative as I'd like because I need to expand my field of reference. But in me, that's not an intrinsic quality The quality of being in tune is seriously important though. I agree wholeheartedly with that and find that is something I may have been missing. Confidence is maybe another one? While I am confident in many things, I lack so much confidence in other areas, particularly on relationships which has sadly been reinforced on the past. I'm trying to put this aside to project more confidence than I have done in the past. I am definitely a modest person too, and feel that unless I utterly excell in something, I prefer to not big myself up or brag. Immodesty is a good trait in my opinion. But does that go against dominant nature?

LanceHughes -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 2:08:07 PM)
OP: I'm sensing that you realize there's a line between a dick-dom and a desired-dom. Yep. As some have alluded to above, I think the difference is interaction or the lack thereof. Dick-doms are that - concentrating on what gets them off, with no regard to the subs needs / wants. There are subs that are looking for a dick-dom.... unhealthy on both sides, IMO and I think most everyone would agree. HMMmmmm.... are there female D-types only concerned with what gets them off? That might be one reason we have Pro-Dommes, but let's stay on topic. Either the D-type treats the s-type like a toy or like a human. Two sides of the line I think you're looking for. Now, on each side of that line, we've got categories and sub-categories galore. I wear a yin-yang ring. I am not Taoist, but I wear it to remind me to keep up the flow of communication and keep the eternal wheel spinning. Each side contributes, feeds back into the other and so on. If the wheel gets un-balanced, sometimes it can be brought back into balance, but only if the wobbling is not to severe. If the wobble gets too severe, it doesn't just wobble more and more, it stops. <voice of experience.> ---------------- You also ask "how to walk into a room and have a sub know of your dominance?" To a superficial extent this can be taught. 1) Good grooming. 2) Good posture 3) Clothes just enough different to make a subtle impresson that you are different - makes everyone think "He's different, but how?" Ex: Went to a black-tie New Year's Eve party. ALL men were in tuxs w/ black ties and black cumberbunds; me too. But I also had a hand-made tuxedo scarf in black-on-black around my neck. 4) Carry yourself as if you own the frigging place. BUT, don't be a dick-head. When offered refreshments, accept politely. I guess number 4 is really - "politeness counts." I once heard "Politeness is making others comfortable." So, making others comfortable is giving a quick insight into your character. All that has worked for me over the years. Try it in public. Then PRACTICE it in public. Whenever I go into any store, bank, etc. I almost always notice that I have drawn attention to my quiet dignity, my gravitas. (you can google it.) Gotta go. Hope that helps. Regards, Lance

rickt42uk -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 2:11:39 PM)
Another aspect of your post that concerns me is how do you actuallyshow firmness? Or your dominant nature? How does it manefest in day to day conversation without feeling forced or nagging?

NorthernGent -> RE: The essence of a Dom (6/6/2010 2:32:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rickt42uk I have been on CM for over 10 years, but have always struggled with my dominance, beleiving that there were two separate parts of me going on... a loving, caring and romantic vanilla element, and a dominant kinky part to me. I've suddeny had an epiphany that I've drawn the lines in completely the wrong way and that the two parts of me are actually, a highly compassionate and loving dominant, separate from my particular interests, kinks and sex drive. Fair to say we possess the full range of emotions and instincts......some of which you mention.....compassion...empathy....love.....and throw in envy...anger etc......and desires such as ownership and sex.....as human beings. Not sure how you arrived at the initial conclusion that dominance and compassion are mutually exclusive...and I'm struggling to see how this could lead to a crisis of confidence..except that I'd imagine we all go through phases of self-doubt......but seems you've reconsidered. In my view.....there's no magic formula.....no essence.....just what you make of life and your relationships. A burrow owl can care for its young so we're not exactly plumbing the depths of human experience by caring for someone. God help anyone who lacks the capacity to care....perhaps a sociopath or something. These are just things that are within us....and for whatever reason due to personal experience some people lose their way and become world weary and really just stop enjoying life and all of the good things including caring for someone.....doesn't mean that person doesn't have the capacity to care. Perhaps the essence is being what you are...accepting your frailties as a human being.......oh and ermm.....holding a desire for responsibility and the wherewithal to use it wisely. I don't think you'll get a consensus on the essence of dominance......for me it's not control....plenty of people want to control but might not have what it takes to act upon it in a constructive manner.

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