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Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/11/2006 9:54:57 PM   
colosubseeking


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/2/2006
Status: offline 		Hello E/everyone. Let me start by saying that i've been a "member" of this community for a while, in so far as much that i like to read the forums and make snide remarks to myself (maybe i shouldn't, but ...sometimes it's just so easy). i've never posted before, mostly becuase i have practically zero real experience, and i don't want to talk out my ass, so to speak. But now, i have a question, and i would greatly appreciate some advice.

i contacted a Domme on this site, and later found out she is a Pro-Domme. i wasn't aware of this at first, but She directed me to Her website, where i figured this out. i was still very interested in Her, so i called, spoke with Her, and made an appointement to see Her on a professional level. She seems very friendly and helpful, not to mention beautiful. And we have similar interests, both in BDSM and out. i have an appointement with Her, this coming Friday. So here's my list of questions.

1. Do Y/you think that seeing a Pro-Domme for a first BDSM experience is a good idea?
2. She has said very little of etiquette, other than just being polite and courteous, is there anything i should do/watch out for?
3. She mentioned the possibility of developing a non-professional relationship if things go well, in Y/your experience, is that actually a realistic possibility?

And finally, any advice not related to any of these questions would also be appreciated.

Thanks,
colosubseeking

< Message edited by colosubseeking -- 4/11/2006 9:55:26 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/11/2006 10:00:46 PM   
michaelGA


Posts: 1194
Status: offline 		IMHO, i think you're wasting your money. if you really want to learn about the lifestyle, find someone that doesn't charge an hourly rate...someone that is seeking a more in depth, personable relationship. but, this is just my opinion, which will probablt not be shared by others here.

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(in reply to colosubseeking)
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RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/11/2006 10:14:26 PM   
colosubseeking


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/2/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for the perspective. You make a good point... but:

i definetly am looking for that kind of a relationship, and like i said, it is "possible" that one will develop. i don't know if it will or not. But, also i am thinking in terms of just getting my feet wet, so if that relationship begins to develop with someone else, i can honestly say that, yes, i have *some* idea of what this is all about, other than what can be learned from the online community.  Perhaps seeing a Pro-Domme won't be close enough to the "real" lifestyle for me to learn much, i don't know.

i look forward to hearing what others have to say about this.

(in reply to michaelGA)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/11/2006 10:25:20 PM   
MistressLorelei


Posts: 997
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		I am not a ProDomme, but if you do not get your hopes up for a long-term 'relationship' to develop, I do not think that any experience is bad experience.  Perhaps, in your mind, you will get a feel for things you will  wish to seek in the future, as well as things you will not. 

I have found it somewhat difficult to communicate with submissives who have zero experience, as their perspectives are usually out in fantasyland, or they think they know it all, but obviously don't.  A wilingness to learn one way or another, I think is a good sign.  Have fun with it, just remember that D/s relationshps can incorporate activities done with a Pro Domme... but most relationships are not just an extended Pro Domme session.   Good luck.

(in reply to colosubseeking)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/11/2006 10:42:25 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Actually I think that in the absence of a trusted friend with whom to explore, a Pro is probably a good way to go. You will get pretty much exactly what you ask for (you are paying for it after all) within whatever limits she has for her professional encounters. In addition, you can be adequately sure that she will be relatively experienced, and will follow pretty strict safety guidelines, and will tell you if what you want is reasonable or not.

I would recommend that you go to an older, more experienced Domina, because she will be just that, more experienced. The one thing you do not want is to have your first time having something done to you being the person doing its first time, if at all possible.

Now for the caveat: Do NOT with any expectation of intimacy or of anything like a real relationship. That is not what she does for a living. This particular Pro-Domina may indeed be open to "the possibility of developing a non-professional relationship if things go well" but I think it more than likely that this may well be a basic marketing ploy. If you enjoy it, and find her compelling, then the hope of "the possibility of developing a non-professional relationship" will keep you coming back...and keep you paying as well.

I wish you a wonderful time, and hope you can find yourself somebody on a more full-time and personal basis in the not to distant future.

< Message edited by Arpig -- 4/11/2006 10:46:20 PM >

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RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/11/2006 10:46:47 PM   
colosubseeking


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/2/2006
Status: offline 		Thank y/You all for the perspectives. Let me see if i have this right.

The general consensus is that i should go to the appointment, enjoy myself, treat it as a learning experience, and have no expectations for anything else, correct?


(in reply to MistressLorelei)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/11/2006 10:53:31 PM   
cacodylic


Posts: 157
Joined: 3/6/2005
From: CA
Status: offline 		Has she had you fill out a checklist? Many pros do, and it seems like a good way to bring up limits, safewords, etc. What kind of 'relationship' do you envision? It  could make a very big difference as to how realistic it is that it would actually happen as you might want. I'd just advise you to take things one small step at a time. And be sure that someone close to you knows where you are going. Take a look at http://www.ehbc.ca/resources/newbies.html for some useful tips.
c

(in reply to colosubseeking)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/11/2006 11:15:39 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline
quote:

The general consensus is that i should go to the appointment, enjoy myself, treat it as a learning experience, and have no expectations for anything else, correct?


that's my take on it Colo..have fun

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to colosubseeking)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/11/2006 11:21:44 PM   
colosubseeking


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/2/2006
Status: offline 		She has not had me fill out a checklist, but she has asked about my interests, and what activities i would like to try most. As far as a relationship, i'm guessing that She meant the possibility of a non-professional Mistress/submissive relationship, i.e., i stop being a "client" and become Her "submissive". As far as the letting someone know where i am, that's probably a good idea, and one i hadn't thought of. Thank you.

< Message edited by colosubseeking -- 4/11/2006 11:24:36 PM >

(in reply to cacodylic)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/12/2006 1:52:47 AM   
MsSophie


Posts: 142
Joined: 3/26/2006
From: Stockholm, Sweden
Status: offline 		From a pro point of view;
quote:


1. Do Y/you think that seeing a Pro-Domme for a first BDSM experience is a good idea?

I think it may be a good idea to explore your feelings and interests with an expert in the field you want to explore. This person dedicates her/his time to get deeper understanding and skills. It is also a great idea, when you are "brand new", to visit someone who has "seen it all before" because they are usually capable of dragging it all out of you and making sure you get a good session.

Now, if you have made an appointment with this lady I suggest you keep it if you feel she is experienced enough to lead you down the road in a safe manner. Unfortunately anyone can set up as a pro-domme/dom, there is no branch organisation determining who is allowed to set up shop, and it is down to the client to make sure they pick the right service provider. You could, if you feel unsure, go to the session on Friday and request that you just sit down and talk, maybe just try out a few activities playfully.
quote:

2. She has said very little of etiquette, other than just being polite and courteous, is there anything i should do/watch out for?

Treat her with the same respect you would treat your dentist, your GP or any other trained professional. She is a service provider, not your personal skivvy, and she will tell you what she expects from you.
quote:

3. She mentioned the possibility of developing a non-professional relationship if things go well, in Y/your experience, is that actually a realistic possibility?

In my opinion the kind of personal relationship which may develop from a professional one seldom works. When love comes into the equation jealousy may follow, I would not recommend it.

I care for my boys, and enjoy swapping mails with them between sessions (even the odd phone call). But, just like a good therpist would, if I feel my clients are beginning to invest emotions, apart from friendship, into our relationship I refer them to someone else.

(in reply to colosubseeking)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/12/2006 4:35:38 AM   
michaelGA


Posts: 1194
Status: offline 		i suppose going to a "Pro" would be exceptable...if you want to pay for the "technical" aspects of the lifestyle. you ARE paying for it. but you lose the emotional and personable aspects of the lifestyle. there's no "REAL" emotional connection there.

now, if you are looking for something real...find a real Mistress, it would safe you and your wallet alot of hardship.


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Are we having fun, yet?

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/12/2006 5:18:35 AM   
Proprietrix


Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline
quote:

1. Do Y/you think that seeing a Pro-Domme for a first BDSM experience is a good idea?


That depends on what you want to learn and experience. If you want to learn about relationship dynamics, then no. If you want to experience a "scene", then yes. Keep in mind that you are not paying her to be your mentor or teacher. you are paying her for a very short-term period (usually about an hour) to put you in a role. All Pros are different. Some are very caring women who will be more than happy to just sit and have coffee (and maybe throw in a few pointers about how you can better serve that coffee) and answer a list of questions you might have about the lifestyle. Unfortunately, there's a large portion of them out there who will have little regard to your newness and just go forward with a "typical" scene. If nothing else, you can mark the session up to experience and move on, but there's a large percentage chance that your session with her is really not going to accurately portray "the lifestyle".

quote:

2. She has said very little of etiquette, other than just being polite and courteous, is there anything i should do/watch out for?
 
Polite and courteous goes a long way. Use the same decorum you would use with any other paid professional, but it's definitely ok to have a sense of humor. She might prefer you address her as "Ma'am". Be sure to thank her at the end of the session. Really, basic manners gets everyone far in life.

quote:

3. She mentioned the possibility of developing a non-professional relationship if things go well, in Y/your experience, is that actually a realistic possibility? 


This made me very uncomfortable to read!
First, I find it highly unprofessional for her to even say such a thing. I agree with Arpig that it sounds more like a marketing ploy. If she has a personal interest in you, she should know well enough that a pro scene and a personal relationship are two very different dynamics and that one rarely (if ever?) can lead to the other.
When I was Proing, if I had a personal interest in a sub, I never let them become a client in the first place. I wanted to pursue the relationship based on mutual interest, not a price tag.
It may be different if you had many sessions with a Pro and a personal interest began forming on both sides over time, but that's not the situation between you and her. you may want to be cautious in getting your hopes up for anything after the scene.

I don't think it will be a great learning experience about living the lifestyle, but it could be an excellent opportunity to learn about different types of BDSM play. Any new experience is a good opportunity to learn, even if it's to say "I don't want to do that again." or to offer another newbie down the road your experience to better help them make a similar decision.
I would just really caution you on that whole forming a personal relationship based on how a pro session goes. It's like deciding whether or not to eat an apple based on how the oranges tasted.

And don't look at pro sessions as your only way of learning. Go to local munches and play parties. Visit a dungeon. Talk on the forums a lot. Get a few mentors (both Dom and sub), join some groups (online or local). Read. Listen. But most of all, start learning about yourself and what it is you do and don't want, expect, and believe.

Have fun at your session.

(in reply to colosubseeking)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/12/2006 6:03:19 AM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

i suppose going to a "Pro" would be exceptable...if you want to pay for the "technical" aspects of the lifestyle. you ARE paying for it. but you lose the emotional and personable aspects of the lifestyle. there's no "REAL" emotional connection there.

now, if you are looking for something real...find a real Mistress, it would safe you and your wallet alot of hardship.


Michael,

You should disclose the whole picture.

You know how hard it is to find a lifestyle domme to have a relationship with - so much so you have never met one real time.  You repeatedly start threads and bring up in other threads here bringing up the fact you can't find anyone, no matter how hard you look - so this is not news to those of us who read the boards regularly.

Given how hard it is for some people to find a lifestyle Domme that fits their criteria, why is the option of seeing a Pro so hard to grasp?  It's one option, just like waiting it out until maybe (or maybe not) the "right" lifestyle Domme comes along is another. 

Many men don't want to make the sacrifices to incorporate BDSM into their everyday lives;  they want to hold on to their vanilla relationships and expectations and ideals; they don't want the Domme to be a priority but rather an "extra" on the side (something most lifestyle Dommes don't take kindly to).  Prodommes fulifll that needed niche.  Frankly, pros are an excellent option for people who are looking to lightly explore aspects of the lifestyle, to get a feel for it, or for people who are in situations where it's unlikely that they will find a lifestyle domme that can work with them.  I find it very understandable that some people don't want to wait forever until Mistress Right-who-fits-all-my-requirements comes along, and turn to a Pro to at least get some experience instead.  And really - lifestyle dommes also tend not to be too interested in subs who have absolutely no experience whatsoever, because that can cause ALL kinds of problems with trying to find possible mutual compatabilities.

While I wouldn't put stock in what starts out as a pro relationship turning into a personal relationship as being likely, the reality is that alot of prodommes ARE also lifestyle and active in and contribute much to the scene by way of giving demos, lectures, writing books.  They are as much "real" dommes as anyone else - and have the real time experience to back up such a judgement call.


< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 4/12/2006 6:20:50 AM >

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Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

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RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/12/2006 6:55:07 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colosubseeking
1. Do Y/you think that seeing a Pro-Domme for a first BDSM experience is a good idea?
2. She has said very little of etiquette, other than just being polite and courteous, is there anything i should do/watch out for?
3. She mentioned the possibility of developing a non-professional relationship if things go well, in Y/your experience, is that actually a realistic possibility?


1. I don't see a problem with seeing a Pro the first time out of the gate.
2. If all she wants is for you to be polite and courteous, then be polite and courteous.
3. This is highly doubtful, from what I have observed.

Remember, for this Lady, this is a business. Pros fulfill a special niche in the community. If she is good at her work, she will cater to you and your fantasies, which you will enjoy. Only you can decide if the enjoyment is worth the trade off of most likely never having a non-professional relationship. It could happen, but I see it as unlikely. you have to temper what she tells you with the fact that she is trying to find and keep clients. I'm not saying that she will lie to you, but I don't see it as unreasonable to think that she might lead you on ands certainly she will flirt with you (unless you ask for a Bitch Goddess humiliation session). On the flip side, if she is good at what she does, she can offer you a wide variety of experiences which you might find valuable. But, these are going to mainly be geared towards your more sexual fantasies (don't EVER expect sex, though). If you have a desire to serve in non-sexual ways, I wouldn't recommend paying her in order to mow the grass. She might be willing to wave the fee if you are doing a service for her, though.

Fire


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RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/12/2006 8:04:16 AM   
michaelGA


Posts: 1194
Status: offline 		but, it's really not real...it's role playing by the hour.

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/12/2006 8:38:13 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelGA

but, it's really not real...it's role playing by the hour.


If one of the hottest Dommes you've ever seen was a pro and offered you a free 2-hour sessionin her fully equipped dungeon, would you turn her down?

Akasha


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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/12/2006 10:25:11 AM   
colosubseeking


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/2/2006
Status: offline 		i know what i would say -- Yes, please, thank you.

Followed by- do you need any yard work done or anything? lol

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/12/2006 10:55:58 AM   
MsSophie


Posts: 142
Joined: 3/26/2006
From: Stockholm, Sweden
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colosubseeking

i know what i would say -- Yes, please, thank you.

Followed by- do you need any yard work done or anything? lol

Refreshing to hear!
Last time I offered someone a free session (in reply to a heartfelt plea for a session from a seemingly deserving soul) I got back a list of demands and arguments about the day of the week I suggested. Needless to say I offer no more free sessions - and certainly not during the days of the week I work in the office.

(in reply to colosubseeking)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/12/2006 1:05:21 PM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelGA

but, it's really not real...it's role playing by the hour.


Michael!  Get a grip!
Anytime (and I mean ANYTIME) you have a casual "see ya next week" relationship, whether money is changing hands or not...you are role playing by the hour.  I don't care how much you talk about loyalty.  When I can call you at 2AM because I want a hot fudge sundae, I will consider you to be "My submissive".
I see you have changed your profile and you are now also seeking a mentor who is willing to teach you to be dominant so you can broaden your horizons.  What horizons?

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They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
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Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
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RE: Newbie seeking advice RE: pro domme - 4/12/2006 1:15:48 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Pro or not, have a safe call(s) in place---start your experience out following the SSC rules.

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Profile   Post #: 20
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