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Explaining your motives. - 6/16/2010 9:59:20 PM

Plasticine

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I just conducted a very long interview in which the preconditions were that i would not touch her and that I'd keep it in my pants. It went very well all round. This woman is very tall and has always been deeply embarrassed by her height and so she slouches in an unbecoming way.

The discipline was to make her walk around in heels standing tall, chin up shoulders back chest out, which was very hard for her. I made sure to constantly tell her how incredibly sexy that made her, which was absolutely true.

Later we were talking and it became obvious that she was unclear what motivated this discipline. She was under the impression that I was doing this because that was how I wanted her to walk around me. I explained that I did not own her and I was disciplining her "for her" because that was how she should walk in the world to feel good about herself. She seemed a bit dumbstruck.

Do you think that clarification was worthwhile?

Post #: 1

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/16/2010 10:08:39 PM

SocratesNot

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I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with explanation and clarification of your motives.
On the other hand, keeping your motives secret can be very suspicious.
Honesty and openness are very important for good communication and functional relationships.

_____________________________

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Plato is my friend, but truth is a better friend. - Aristotle

(in reply to Plasticine)

Post #: 2

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 12:55:20 AM

lally2

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what was the option - to tell her you just felt like it to kill a bit of time?

for anything to mean anything it has to come from a genuine purpose i think. just because she looked dumbstruck doesnt mean the penny didnt drop, it will give her something to think about as she's out walking, she might not always remember to do this but it might have given her some confidence to at least try.

_____________________________

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(in reply to SocratesNot)

Post #: 3

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 1:10:07 AM

Plasticine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

what was the option - to tell her you just felt like it to kill a bit of time?

for anything to mean anything it has to come from a genuine purpose i think. just because she looked dumbstruck doesnt mean the penny didnt drop, it will give her something to think about as she's out walking, she might not always remember to do this but it might have given her some confidence to at least try.

I agree with you and she's quite an intelligent woman; She got it. It was just a strange moment.

I only bring this up because it was suggested to me by someone who's opinion I respect that perhaps it would have been better not to do so. My impulse is to demonstrate to the person that I am indeed helping them and with love. Perhaps there are merits to leaving that a mystery to some extent?

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 4

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 1:37:05 AM

DarkSteven

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What you did, I would call mentoring.

I think it's good that you explained. She's got self esteem issues and the idea of doing it for her sake is novel to her. Expect her to not believe it for a bit.

Any idea why your friend said you should be keeping secrets?

_____________________________

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Post #: 5

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 1:48:09 AM

Plasticine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

What you did, I would call mentoring.

I think it's good that you explained. She's got self esteem issues and the idea of doing it for her sake is novel to her. Expect her to not believe it for a bit.

Any idea why your friend said you should be keeping secrets?

Thank you and no. The person in question is professionally a psychiatrist and has more than a passing interest in these matters. I imagine that it relates to control, but its just sort of ... not my style I guess. I was just wondering if anyone saw the benefit?

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 6

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 2:02:31 AM

lally2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Plasticine

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

What you did, I would call mentoring.

I think it's good that you explained. She's got self esteem issues and the idea of doing it for her sake is novel to her. Expect her to not believe it for a bit.

Any idea why your friend said you should be keeping secrets?

i think there is a degree of responsibility in opening up an insecurity and challenging it. if this woman has spent her life so far trying to be invisible, getting her to change her world view its going to take more than an afternoon. if theres follow up and this is a relationship then you can continue to support her. if it was a one off then there is no follow through and she will either try to carry on what youve suggested or slip back into her old ways of hiding. in the end if a person is comfortable being invisible then its possible that unless there is going to be follow through it might have been better to leave her as she was.

a psyche told me once that it was ok to have my invisible friend from childhood still hanging around. i thought he'd say, 'right he has to go and stat' but not at all. sometimes we have crutches and methods of getting through our day. but in the end i still think that what you did was ok. its ok to tell a person they are beautiful and they should be proud of who they are. hopefully it will have planted a little seed in her head that she can work with.
.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 6/17/2010 2:03:49 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Plasticine)

Post #: 7

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 2:12:00 AM

Inthewoods

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i think it was a wonderful thing to have done and the explanation can only back up that she is worth something as a person, not just as an object to be dominated. as a sub, it is easy to feel that you are interchangeable with any other willing sub and not truly an individual. if there are self esteem issues, this is destructive.

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 8

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 3:38:32 AM

SirNomdeplume

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Motives are the foundation of understand what you are doing. Without motives how do you excell at the tasks you have agreed to preform? I like to know the motives. Its part of my interview process.

(in reply to Inthewoods)

Post #: 9

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 3:42:19 AM

littlewonder

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she asked. you explained. what else would you have done when she asked? Shrug your shoulders and walk away without answering? Seems stupid to me.

She asked. you answered. That's usually how normal conversations operate unless you're the rude type or you own her but you don't.

(in reply to SirNomdeplume)

Post #: 10

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 3:56:35 AM

IronBear

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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FR

Jolly good work. Some would call it mentoring and if used in a BDSM arena I would too but I'd, in some cases, call it friendship too.

< Message edited by IronBear -- 6/17/2010 3:57:26 AM >

_____________________________

Iron Bear

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Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

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(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 11

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 4:52:52 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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It depends on the individuals involved. Some of us won't get into a relationship where our questions won't be answered. Yes, I know, this means we aren't "true slaves". Who cares? I'm not into this to win an award as top (or is that bottom?) slave of the year. I'm into it to have a strong, healthy relationship where I feel my needs are considered. For me to feel this way, he has to earn trust. He has to demonstrate good decision making.

Doing this is faster when he explains his reasoning. It allows me to say "Good idea, you make smart decisions" a lot faster than if he never explained. If he never explained, never answered questions, we would have moved at a much slower pace until I had seen him make more decisions and waited to see the outcome to judge his decision making skills.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 12

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 5:39:40 AM

subsfaith

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Plasticine

Do you think that clarification was worthwhile?

Yes, in this instance I do believe she needed to know why to take the concept and further develop it on her own. As you have explained, she missed the point of the exercise until you explained it to her.

However, to have her practice the exercise without knowing was a very good trick. It allowed her to complete the task without placing a bias value judgement on it. If you had explained it before hand she may have been too self-conscious to get from it what you intended. Good call.

Having said that, I don't believe that it is always necessary to keep someone informed of your motives. People often do not know why they do something, but that doesn't mean that they are invalidated in some way. An example is when a person following a recipe for something they haven't cooked before, they probably aren't aware of the chemical processes involved by following the method, but they do it anyway because they have faith that the end result will be tasty. So unlike some of the answers here I do not believe that a relationship is somehow lesser if the s-type isn't privy to such information.

(in reply to Plasticine)

Post #: 13

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 5:52:46 AM

wandersalone

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What kind of interview was it where you had to have the pre-conditions of you not touching her and keeping your penis in your pants?

Where is the discipline element - was she being punished?

I'm confused

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(in reply to Plasticine)

Post #: 14

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 6:04:05 AM

IronBear

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subsfaith

Having said that, I don't believe that it is always necessary to keep someone informed of your motives. People often do not know why they do something, but that doesn't mean that they are invalidated in some way. An example is when a person following a recipe for something they haven't cooked before, they probably aren't aware of the chemical processes involved by following the method, but they do it anyway because they have faith that the end result will be tasty. So unlike some of the answers here I do not believe that a relationship is somehow lesser if the s-type isn't privy to such information.

Here I whole heartedly agree. Often I explain my motivations simply because it expedites my requests more efficiently and rapidly according to my wishes or requirements. I confess I have little time with those who require repeated expolanation s almpost to the poiint of explain ing what underware I am wearing which obviously has nothing to do with the matter under discussion. My final responce with thos people is that I require what ever it is done and done now and that if needs be I will take my requirements to others who will do what I ask. I apply this to business, home and socially. It really becomes a case of need to know at times or at least giving only the minimum information necessary to get a job done. Just as often when asked WHY? I respond, "Because I want/need it". Not being rude just there is no need for others to know my private or professional business. Obviously this is on a case by case basis and if I feel that a complete explanation is required, I am happy to give it.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to subsfaith)

Post #: 15

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 7:51:03 AM

SimplyMichael

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I like my women smart and independent. Explaining the spirit of how or why I want things certain ways allows them to interpret those things in new or unique situations. As for explaining myself, I have zero interest in being with a woman I have to play puppet master to and must pretend my dominance flows out of some semi mystical place. Of course they generally enjoy having their heads fucked with so I will at times manipulate them but do in a way that they know they can always trust me to have their best interests at heart because when I reveal or they discover the manipulation, they can see how it was for their actual benefit and tends to be limited to surprises or bdsm.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 16

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 8:21:38 AM

Andalusite

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Requiring good posture is a fundamental in many areas - dance, singing, etc. Often, the instructor will even change the way the student breathes. I agree that encouraging her to literally walk tall and proudly sounds like it may have a positive impact on her, and that discussing your reasoning is a good sign as well. If you don't wind up dating her, she may still focus on her posture now that she's noticed the difference, or more likely, she'll fall back into her old habit without even realising.

Michael, I don't expect dominance to be mystical, and I agree that explaining your mindset is a fantastic idea. Personally, I don't need his reasons to always be for my benefit - because it amuses him or makes him hot is plenty enough reason for most things, as long as it doesn't actively harm me.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 17

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 8:53:07 AM

KariCloud

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Just as often when asked WHY? I respond, "Because I want/need it". Not being rude just there is no need for others to know my private or professional business. Obviously this is on a case by case basis and if I feel that a complete explanation is required, I am happy to give it.

I always want to know why, though I accept that I won't always be told why and that there are some times where there is no reason why. I like to think that my intelligence is one of the aspects of me that my hypothetical dominant partner would appreciate and enjoy. Knowing why helps me make better use of that intelligence in service to the dominant. If I am left in the dark about the reasoning, then I have to just blindly obey, which I can do in an established relationship but it is not my primary or preferred mode of operation.

That said, beyond the "consideration" period (ie when trust is already gained/proven), a "Because that's what I want/need" answer is satisfactory to me. That, however, in my experience can mean one of three things:
a- the request is nothing more complicated than it's something my partner wants or needs and has no motivating reason behind it beyond whim (satisfactory enough, and I'll happily just obey) or
b- there is no time/space to answer that question (so tell me "later", please, and I'll remind you of it!) or
c- my partner chooses to not give me an answer (if you choose not to give me an answer, just say so please!).

That said, there is absolutely benefit to not telling the motivations to something until afterwards, as someone else said, because it can make it easier to do what is asked without being so self-conscious. A similar example with me would be teaching me to dance to help me feel more confident about what I consider to be a clumsy, ungraceful body. I really can't dance, and I've never dared try. It's not something I could ever do for myself. If I was told the exercise was for me and not for my partner's pleasure, I'd be unable to do it. Telling me afterwards, if that is the reason why, is a better idea if the person wants me to actually do what is asked of me. Of course while I understand that logically, I'd still be miffed about it. :D

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 18

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 9:21:19 AM

IronBear

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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That lass is just part of being a master who is wise enough to know when and how much to tell his girl.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to KariCloud)

Post #: 19

RE: Explaining your motives. - 6/17/2010 9:55:57 AM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

Michael, I don't expect dominance to be mystical, and I agree that explaining your mindset is a fantastic idea. Personally, I don't need his reasons to always be for my benefit - because it amuses him or makes him hot is plenty enough reason for most things, as long as it doesn't actively harm me.

Having your partner amused or hot doesn't have any benefit to you? LOL! Its that feedback loop of he fucks with your head and it makes him hot, having him got hot by fucking with you makes you hot and away you go.

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 20

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