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How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 4:27:11 PM

kyraofMists

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In a recent post a person stated they have 33 years in the lifestyle and then when I looked at their profile it stated they were 43 years old. In doing the math it brought to mind this question, how do you measure experience?

I have been actively involved in the lifestyle for a little more than a year. In that I mean, going to munches, meetings, workshops, play parties and building a strong M/s relationship. I have had numerous experiences with all these things in a short time of a year. Some have been around the lifestyle for many more years than I have and have participated in considerably less lifestyle activities than I have done. Some have been much more active than I have been in less time. So how do you measure experience and do you make a distinction between observational experience and active experience?

Knight's kyra

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Post #: 1

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 4:38:47 PM

TxBadMan

Posts: 198
Joined: 4/7/2006
From: Moody, Texas
Status: offline

I have been active for a little over 5 years, and by that I mean attending events, going to munches, etc. For two years prior to that, I had the pleasure of being a submissive to a wonderful young lady whom I am still very good friends with.. My experiences with her are what brought me into the lifestyle.
I tend to view experience in terms of active involvement, over that of observational. However, I also know that everyone had to start somewhere, and what better way to learn at first than by observing?
Just my views on it .

_____________________________

Chris

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Post #: 2

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 4:42:40 PM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

In a recent post a person stated they have 33 years in the lifestyle and then when I looked at their profile it stated they were 43 years old. In doing the math it brought to mind this question, how do you measure experience?

I have been actively involved in the lifestyle for a little more than a year. In that I mean, going to munches, meetings, workshops, play parties and building a strong M/s relationship. I have had numerous experiences with all these things in a short time of a year. Some have been around the lifestyle for many more years than I have and have participated in considerably less lifestyle activities than I have done. Some have been much more active than I have been in less time. So how do you measure experience and do you make a distinction between observational experience and active experience?

Knight's kyra

I keep it simple. I start from actual active experience doing BDSM/DS/MS with someone who was conciously also doing the same thing (none of that previously acknowledged vanilla relationships throwing in some fuzzy handcuffs now being called BDSM). For me what I factor in is both years experience and also breadth of experience. So if someone spent five years doing and experiencing a wide range of things I would consider them more experienced than someone who spent twenty years doing the same thing every night.

C~

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RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 4:45:00 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
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From: Charleston, WV
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I would define any desire or reading I did before actually stepping into the community as "an interest". A lot of us can see a trend, if we look back to our childhood. I'd say that was a "tendency". If you were applying for a job, even if you had a degree in a subject, you still have no experience if you haven't actively put your knowledge to the test.

Fire

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Post #: 4

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 4:47:02 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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It depends on what your referring to as *experience*. I was intro'ed to bdsm around 12 years ago. Did the whole club thing, demo's etc which was fun and informative, I would say my real *active* experience has come though from living day to day with a Master and all the dynamics of that..so if you just count that..ive had 7 years experience (had a break in between of 4 years).

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RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 4:50:47 PM

Level

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Excellent question, kyra. Wish I had an answer lol.

I touched on this in my now-defunct profile. I think to measure experience, you have to also define what it is that you do. And if you aren't doing it every day, let's say you have a semi-regular play partner for 10 years... does that count as ten, or do you have to go back with a calendar, marking each day something was done, then add them up? Or, if you believe much of D/s is in the mental realm, then what? Let's say you're genuinely dominant, but don't have a partner, for whatever reason. When does the countdown begin?

I happen to think that one can be dominant over themself. Working to develop knowledge and clarity and control. If you are doing this, you are building experience, it's an act of dominance. (Just don't start flogging yourself, others will point and laugh). Speaking of flogging..... I think one can be dominant without ever using a toy of any sort.

Experience.... its value depends on what you want to do, and what your partner wants to do. I've never had a long-term play partner... my experiences were all one-time occurences, or short-term ones. My play needs are somewhat simple, and easily mastered, so I can do them well, in my opinion. But in terms of the mental.... I've had a bit more time doing what I term dominance, whether with myself or with others. Am I where I know I want and need to be yet? No. But I see light at the end of the tunnel.

Level

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Post #: 6

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 4:51:11 PM

starymists

Posts: 139
Joined: 2/1/2006
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I think what you might be aksing is a quantity vs quality question. I've been in the lifestyle for 16 years. Started just before my 20th birthday. And in that time, there have been times I've been more active than other times. But during that time, whether or not I was being overly active in lifestyle activities such as munches, workshops, etc, I was still learning. Reading books, talking to people, learning pretty much like a sponge absorbs water *thus says my Mentor*, but I don't claim to be an expert. I don't think I know all there is to know, and so I continue to seek out information.

I also tend to think its not about how long you've been in the lifestyle, but what you are learning, how you put what you learn into action. I know quite a few people who have a lot of years, but know little about, say protocol. I know people who know a lot of protocol, but don't have good techniques in some areas *like say, whips*. I've also talked to people who claim experience with tens units, having been taught in a chat room.

Bottom line, can you walk the walk as well as you talk the talk. I don't read one post of someone that I'm getting to know. I read all of their posts. I ask them questions and compare the answers to what I know. If it doesn't add up, I bring it to my Mentor who has been around a lot longer than I have to see if there is something to be learned or something to be discounted. And when it comes to physical activities? If it is something I enjoy, I've learned the safe techniques. So give me a demonstration and I can tell how much experience that you have. I also tend to think that there is far too much emphasis put on the amount of time one has been in the lifestyle and not enough on the quality of the lifestyle one is living :) but thats just my 2 cents.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 4:57:04 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
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You have to remember that each year spent on line is equal to 10 years of 'experience'. So, hmmm... 7, divide here.. , carry the 2, add in the actual r/t and subtract the time I boycotted the internet .. add in those two weeks, double for the camping trip ... and .. ok.. here we go..

I've been experienced in BDSM for 123 years!

Sheesh.. no wonder I'm so tired.

Celeste

_____________________________

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

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Post #: 8

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 4:59:50 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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lol Bita

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Post #: 9

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 5:02:44 PM

BrianSenior

Posts: 88
Joined: 3/13/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Excellent question, kyra. Wish I had an answer lol.

I touched on this in my now-defunct profile. I think to measure experience, you have to also define what it is that you do. And if you aren't doing it every day, let's say you have a semi-regular play partner for 10 years... does that count as ten, or do you have to go back with a calendar, marking each day something was done, then add them up? Or, if you believe much of D/s is in the mental realm, then what? Let's say you're genuinely dominant, but don't have a partner, for whatever reason. When does the countdown begin?

I happen to think that one can be dominant over themself. Working to develop knowledge and clarity and control. If you are doing this, you are building experience, it's an act of dominance. (Just don't start flogging yourself, others will point and laugh). Speaking of flogging..... I think one can be dominant without ever using a toy of any sort.

Experience.... its value depends on what you want to do, and what your partner wants to do. I've never had a long-term play partner... my experiences were all one-time occurences, or short-term ones. My play needs are somewhat simple, and easily mastered, so I can do them well, in my opinion. But in terms of the mental.... I've had a bit more time doing what I term dominance, whether with myself or with others. Am I where I know I want and need to be yet? No. But I see light at the end of the tunnel.

Level

Well put

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Post #: 10

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 5:03:32 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

It's so dependent upon context. We see so many 40yo novices here who act more immature and like they just got a lobotomy because they discovered they were submissive.

It depends on what you need them to be experienced FOR. My boyfriend had never been to a single party, a single munch, a single club before meeting me. But he'd gotten tons of bondage videos, rope and could do ties as good as any I'd seen. He's taken years of culinary cooking and can whip up a feast with scraps from the fridge- but he'd never had to make and stick to a personal budget before moving to grad school.

I use different things to measure experience- what have they done on their own, whether they have exposure to the public scene and in what form that is (going to see pro dom's for 12 years isn't the same as being on the board of a group for 3 years and isn't the same as being a club-goer for 6 months), and I find that life experience and stability trumps all.

I don't care how kinky you are or skilled in a kink or how great you fuck, if you don't have or aren't reaching seriously towards how to maintain a solid stable life, it's not going to happen.

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Post #: 11

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 5:09:33 PM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
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It's an interesting question that I can see many answers to (all of which are probably right in some fashion.)
If a child was raised in an openly lifestyle M/s home, seeing, hearing, knowing the dynamics of power exchange... (and I do mean power exchange, not kinky sex), and they at age 19 move away to college, never having formed a relationship of their own....
and their 19 year old roommate has been actively practicing the lifestyle for 6 months straight with a different partner and a different perspective, and a different activity every weekend....
Who really is the more experienced?
And is the more experienced one really at all that more of an advantage due to experience level?
Personally, I'd guess the former of the two is going to be a far cry more skilled at a power exchange relationship because although lacking in actual experience at play, they've spent their entire life and developmental phases understanding the concepts behind the tactics.

When I am meeting someone new in the lifestyle, I tend to ask "what kinds of experiences have you had?" instead of "what's your level of experience?"

One thing that tends to irk me a bit is when one proclaims some high level of experience due to their involvement in a local group. Don't get me wrong, I think the local scene is vitally important on many levels, but to me, that's more about how long one has been active in a community, not a lifestyle. If they've been living as a slave in their Master's(Mistress's) home for 27 years and decided to show up at a munch last June, that doesn't make their experience level any different.

I don't think it's impossible for people to have begun the lifestyle as pre-teens, but I think more often than not, they're referring to when their interest began more than when their experience began. My off the cuff reaction would be that I wouldn't consider jerkin' to a magazine in the bunkbed experience. By the same token though, only that person knows how many of the articles they read, and tried, and how quickly they implemented those aspects into their life.

Nor do I think that experience necessarilly means "with another person". There are people are are extremely adept at self-bondage, self-asphyxiation, self-bloodletting, and all kinds of other lifestyle activities that they may have (and probably did) begin at an early age.

It might be a totally different answer if you asked the same person "How much experience do you have at asphyxiation?" and "How much experience do you have at being a slave?" When those two questions are lumped into the more general question of "How long have you been in the lifestyle?" the majority of folks are going to answer with the younger age because that's when they realized they were "different". Nowdays with some children being raised in power exchange households, that age of revelation of awareness blurs even more.

I don't think there is a wrong or right answer. I thinks it's so amazingly subjective and relative to each individual that it has to be taken on an individual basis. I tend to just believe someone when they name me a number of years. I'll know through discourse over time whether or not they were full of shit.

Great question!

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 5:15:44 PM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

Well, I have been attending munches, workshops, play parties, demo's, etc for 3 years; yet I still think of myself as a noob

In the time that I have been active, I have met some with less 'time' in than me who are obviously more experienced; and yet I have met some with more than 20 years in who, in my opinion, had no idea what they were doing.
So, I guess it all comes down to how each individual views' experience '.

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Post #: 13

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 5:22:16 PM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

In a recent post a person stated they have 33 years in the lifestyle and then when I looked at their profile it stated they were 43 years old. In doing the math it brought to mind this question, how do you measure experience?
Knight's kyra

My profile states i am 44 years old and i have stated often that i have 31 years of experience. Because i do, i was collared by my 1st Master at the age of 13. (The reasons for my being on my own at that age are closed subject matter). We were together until shortly before the birth of our second child. He was killed in the course of his chosen profession.

Three years later i was collared by my 2nd Master, he was 31 years older than me; we were together for 18 years until he passed away.

On February 14th, 2006 I accepted my 3rd collar.

During the intervals i was not collared i still remained active in the scene, belonging to various groups and dating occasionally.

So yes, it is possible to be 44 and have 31 years of lifestyle experience.

quote:

I have been actively involved in the lifestyle for a little more than a year. In that I mean, going to munches, meetings, workshops, play parties and building a strong M/s relationship. I have had numerous experiences with all these things in a short time of a year. Some have been around the lifestyle for many more years than I have and have participated in considerably less lifestyle activities than I have done. Some have been much more active than I have been in less time. So how do you measure experience and do you make a distinction between observational experience and active experience?

Any experience is a learning one. I too tend to take the view of active over observational, but i believe they both count.

Lol, when i started in this there really were not munches to attend; i think i learned more in the gay men's leather bars in the beginning. Although being owned by a biker back then i learned a lot from them to. They tended to be a little more possessive back then than they seem to be now.

_____________________________

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Post #: 14

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 5:24:30 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BrianSenior

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Excellent question, kyra. Wish I had an answer lol.

I touched on this in my now-defunct profile. I think to measure experience, you have to also define what it is that you do. And if you aren't doing it every day, let's say you have a semi-regular play partner for 10 years... does that count as ten, or do you have to go back with a calendar, marking each day something was done, then add them up? Or, if you believe much of D/s is in the mental realm, then what? Let's say you're genuinely dominant, but don't have a partner, for whatever reason. When does the countdown begin?

I happen to think that one can be dominant over themself. Working to develop knowledge and clarity and control. If you are doing this, you are building experience, it's an act of dominance. (Just don't start flogging yourself, others will point and laugh). Speaking of flogging..... I think one can be dominant without ever using a toy of any sort.

Experience.... its value depends on what you want to do, and what your partner wants to do. I've never had a long-term play partner... my experiences were all one-time occurences, or short-term ones. My play needs are somewhat simple, and easily mastered, so I can do them well, in my opinion. But in terms of the mental.... I've had a bit more time doing what I term dominance, whether with myself or with others. Am I where I know I want and need to be yet? No. But I see light at the end of the tunnel.

Level

Well put

Thank you.

(in reply to BrianSenior)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 5:27:01 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I have interests that go back to age 4 at least.

I have been doing things that might be considered kinky and sexual for 20 years.

But I do not consider my experience in BDSM to have started before I knew what I was doing and was very conscious about doing it so for 16 years.

Then there is my "community" or "public" experience and that has been for 13 years.

Personally I think it is far more wise to describe "experience" than to simply say "I have X years experience".

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Post #: 16

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 5:32:57 PM

WyrdRich

Posts: 1733
Joined: 1/3/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

You have to remember that each year spent on line is equal to 10 years of 'experience'.

Celeste

PREACH that gospel Celeste! Amen Sister! AMEN!!!

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 5:42:48 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: starymists

I think what you might be aksing is a quantity vs quality question. ....

I think you are right it is a quantity and quality question... but I don't think they are necessarily opposed to each other. I think it is putting both into proper perspective.

My first contact with alandra was back in the summer of 1987 and we began an intimate relationship way back then. Now that is alot of years. One can't question the facts of the number, but the substance of those years is another thing all together. The actually experience in that time is varied and actually highly subjective as a value judgement. Some things have had no immediate impact at the time, but years later it shows it's self to have value. But, these quality judgements are only applicable for alandra and I in the context of OUR relationship. One would think that the time factor would lend itself to having more or greater experinces, but that really is not the case. Because the quality enjoyed in long-term relationship can just as easily be obtained in relationships with less time under their belt.

My first contact with kyra was back in november of 2004. But, our relationship didn't begin as an intimate relationship until april 2005. In a pure quantity comparison, my relationship with kyra is signficantly less than alandra. However, it is when I consider the quality aspects of the relationship that lines become so very comparable between the two relationships. Both the quality of the experiences between kyra are just as important and comparable as the ones occuring with alandra. It would seems strange that I can have just as high of quality with kyra after only a short time of building a relationship as I have had with alandra. But, yet people do this all the time.

I consider that time invested in being active in the lifestyle/relatinoship or any endeavor will have a positive impact on the quality and exponetial grow one can gain in new endeavors. My relationship with alandra has had some intense learning experiences that have propelled me in my relationship with kyra. It is not just a question of kyra being highly compatiable to me and alandra. But it is the lessons learned from the time being active that has propelled my relatioinship with kyra. It would also be correct to suggest that my experiences of the past has actually contributed in making a better choice in someone that is compatiable to me and my situation.

When I consider the experience of some one. I am not only considerate to the time as well as the quality of the experiences a person has had. But, I consider where all their years and qualities of experiences as brought them. Has the person used their time and events in their life wisely? Have they learned and grown from those years and experiences? Have they achievements and success from all those years and quality of experiences?

In essence... "What did they do with their Experiences?

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to starymists)

Post #: 18

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 5:44:54 PM

acctonthelook

Posts: 245
Joined: 3/28/2006
Status: offline

Great OP Kyra!

Physical Experience - Me: None to speak of, but Man what an eye opener! Hopefully it will be brought to another level, but I want it to be with the right person, not just anyone. So that may take some time.

Observational - Me: Very active in the forums and when I finally move back home I will definitely be involved within the community up there.

quote:

original: twicehappy
Any experience is a learning one. I too tend to take the view of active over observational, but i believe they both count.

I agree to twicehappy's viewpoint, as long as you stay connected on some level it does count.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 19

RE: How do you measure experience? - 4/12/2006 7:09:54 PM

ExistentialSteel

Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline

None of it matters anyway. It is the person. Trust me.

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Post #: 20

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