RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (Full Version)

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Evanesce -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 9:29:25 AM)

quote:

A friend just sent an email saying his wife has started throwing knives at him during arguments. I want to be helpful, but I can't stop laughing.  What should he do?


Introduce her to a professional knife thrower who will help her improve her aim.
 
How can I train myself to get out of bed earlier in the morning?



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 10:01:18 AM)

quote:

How can I train myself to get out of bed earlier in the morning?


Hire a Death Metal band to come to your house and set up their equipment in your bedroom. Tell them what time you want to wake up and let them act as the alarm clock for a while.


I keep having nightmares of falling. Is there something hidden in the meanings and is there a way to stop this from happening?



maybemaybenot -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 10:09:18 AM)

Dreams involving falling mean that you like ferris wheels. In the Rem phase you get the feeling of falling in your dreams, because you are subconsciously on a ferris wheel in your dream and on the "coming down"  part of the ride.

How to stop this? Don't sleep more than 1/2 hour at a time. Set your alarm clock for 1/2 hours sleep, then get up for an hour, repeat this process until it is time to get up for the day.


Over in another thread I took a test that said I should have brown eyes, but mine are green. Is there something wrong with me? If so, how can I fix it?
                    mbmbn



gooddogbenji -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 10:14:45 AM)

Yes, having green eyes instead of brown means you're a hippy and smoke too much pot.  That, or some joker snuck up on you in the middle of the night and replaced your eyes with his, as he wanted to avoid the pot smoking hippy stigma as well.

Just wander around the shelters until you find someone with brown eyes, knock them out, and switch eyes again.

My phone won't stop ringing, and it's taking away from my creativity.  What can I do?

Yours,


benji



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 10:29:10 AM)

quote:

My phone won't stop ringing, and it's taking away from my creativity.  What can I do?


Strap pillows around your head, covering your ears. Get a large garbage bag and fill it with styrofoam packing peanuts. Place your head in the bag and duct tape the bottom of the bag shut around your neck. This should insulate the sound from being a bother.


I am running out of soap. Is there something else I can use instead?



gooddogbenji -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 10:35:21 AM)

I always make my own soap!  It's actually quite easy. 
You need:
1 gallon gasoline
2 pounds flour
1 pound sugar

Take the gasoline, and gently warm it in the microwave.  To ensure even temperature, put a metal spoon in it.

Mix in the flour and sugar, put in a square dish and allow to set.

Cut into shapes of choice.  Ta da!  Soap!

I keep losing the page in my book.  How do I stop that?

Yours,

benji




MysticFireTopaz -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 10:47:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji

I keep losing the page in my book.  How do I stop that?

Yours,

benji



I'd give up reading and watch TV instead.  Then you never have to worry about losing your page.

I have this free-loading relative who came to visit, now I can't get rid of him.  I have hinted politely, but he doesn't get it.  Any suggestions?



gooddogbenji -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 10:54:21 AM)

If he's sleeping on the couch, get rid of it.  If he has a guest room, turn it into your German folk music testing room.  No, you can't turn it off, otherwise the world will never know the long term effects of Oompapa music on dust bunnies.

My CAPS LOCK KEEPS turning itself on.  How CAN i KEEP IT from happening?

Yours,


benji



zebra -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 11:07:18 AM)

My CAPS LOCK KEEPS turning itself on.  How CAN i KEEP IT from happening?


Complain a lot...a wicked lot...to your ISP. Tell them their cruddy software isn't working and you're coming over there to cram a motherboard down their throats. They'll be so scared that they''ll push the button in the office that makes this problem go away. jUST DON'T THING IT WAS ANYTHING YOU DID WRONG!



gooddogbenji -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 11:19:38 AM)

How can we keep people jumping in without understanding the concept of the game?

Yours,


benji

PS:  The purpose of this thread is to give the previous poster REALLY HORRIBLE advice, then ask someone else for advice.  It's mostly geared to sadomasochists, who can take it and give it.  [:D]



BitaTruble -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 11:45:35 AM)

quote:



My CAPS LOCK KEEPS turning itself on.  How CAN i KEEP IT from happening?

Yours,


benji


You have a ghost in your machine. You must pay out thousands of dollars to an Exorcist and have it exorcised immediately. If you don't have thousands of dollars, run over the Home Depot and buy a cheap hammer. Take said hammer and strike the shift lock key with it repeatedly until the problem goes away.

My wedding ring gets scratched because of all the house work I do. I don't want to take it off just because I'm cleaning. What should I do?



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 1:26:59 PM)

quote:

My wedding ring gets scratched because of all the house work I do. I don't want to take it off just because I'm cleaning. What should I do?


This is easy. Remove your hand before cleaning and after you are done, replace your hand.


The hinges squeek on my bedroom door and it bothers me. What can I use to stop that?



ChainedExistence -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 2:52:11 PM)

Board up the door...what do you need a bedroom for anyway?

How can I keep the stairs from becoming a " catch-all"  for all the things that belong on the other floor of the house?



twicehappy -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 2:57:30 PM)

Weld the hinges together with an acetyline torch making sure to properly close the door 1st so both hinge plates are welded tightly together .

I have bad short term memory and my Mistress tells me i am low on RAM, what should i do? 



FullCircle -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 3:07:21 PM)

Shove a DIMM up your nose.

I’m starting to run out of storage space for CD-RW’s what can I do?



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 4:35:24 PM)

quote:

I’m starting to run out of storage space for CD-RW’s what can I do?


They make really good hot pads for the dinner table, and if company is coming always lay them with the printed side up, they'll be very impressed.

I'm having problems keeping the filters in my hot tub clean.. any ideas?



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 7:21:53 PM)

quote:

I'm having problems keeping the filters in my hot tub clean.. any ideas?


Sure, remove them. Who needs silly filters anyway?


I really wonder if clipping coupons actually saves money. Does anyone know? What coupons should I take to the store?



feylin -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 7:27:38 PM)

oops. <smacks head on desk>



gooddogbenji -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 7:48:36 PM)

No.  Coupons are environmentally unfriendly.  You should take all of them to a city park and bury them about 2 feet apart, under Dutch Elms, so they can grow into trees again.

I want a drink, but have no liquor at home.  HELP!

Yours,


benji



MyCaptainsPet -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (4/16/2006 7:51:29 PM)

go to a local bar and hit on everyone, then drink THEIR drinks

i have too many books in the house. What should i do with them all?



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