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RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/26/2006 2:32:45 AM   
VandalHeart


Posts: 1333
Joined: 9/12/2004
Status: offline 		Nah, if you go to the police station after your first job, they'll put you in the town paper for free!!!  It's the first job that's hard to land.  You can stand outside of Dick Cheney's window with a shirt that says "Cheney Friend/Quail" on it, and you will be fucked, but you might not get paid.

_____________________________

I ask for so little. Just let me rule you, and you can have everything that you want. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave.
--King Jarenth of the Goblins, Labyrinth

(in reply to LaMalinche)
Profile   Post #: 841
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/26/2006 12:08:11 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline 		I have to take my disabled mother to the doctor. The doctors office does not have handicapped accessability. Are there any suggestions as to how I can get her in and out of that office easily?

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to VandalHeart)
Profile   Post #: 842
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/26/2006 7:54:19 PM   
HouseofBear


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/9/2005
Status: offline 		Just pull your car up on the sidewalk, right in front of the  door.  Make sure your handicapped sign is well displayed, and you can bet the cops will leave your car alone.

I want to take something to the bbq I am going to next week that everyone will love and talk about for weeks afterwards.  What should I take?

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 843
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/26/2006 8:00:30 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I want to take something to the bbq I am going to next week that everyone will love and talk about for weeks afterwards.  What should I take?


Your latest home movies.  Everyone loves watching someone else's home movies - especially the pornos.
 
I'm having guests over next weekend and have too much to do to prepare for their arrival.  How can I make sure I don't overlook anything and that dinner is a success?

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to HouseofBear)
Profile   Post #: 844
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/26/2006 10:35:37 PM   
VandalHeart


Posts: 1333
Joined: 9/12/2004
Status: offline 		Hire a tteam of gay Chipendales, pay them double, and get geared up for the arrivals.  As long as you can put up with the lispy "hey, are you sure these curtains go with the decor?" you should be fine.  Besides, it will at least give you something to look at while you get ready.

My roommate and play partner are playing practical jokes on me.  I need a good way to get back at them.  Any suggestions?

_____________________________

I ask for so little. Just let me rule you, and you can have everything that you want. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave.
--King Jarenth of the Goblins, Labyrinth

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 845
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/27/2006 7:40:30 AM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

My roommate and play partner are playing practical jokes on me.  I need a good way to get back at them.  Any suggestions?


Sure I do. Strap them to your sofa in front of the TV and make them watch nothing but speeches from George W. Bush for three days. That should get them back.


There is a big festival by my house this weekend and parking may be a problem. Any suggestions for finding a decent parking spot?

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to VandalHeart)
Profile   Post #: 846
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/27/2006 7:49:07 AM   
Lidh2l


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/22/2006
Status: offline 		Tear down the next door neighbor's house.  It's not like they matter.  Make sure someone lives there.  It's even better if they're home at the time.  Nothing says "PARTY!!!" like viscera.

We need to quit smoking.  The patches have not worked, the gum has not worked, and the pills make us angry and homicidal.  Any suggestions on how we can go about this, besides a smart-ass comment about lube?


_____________________________

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a girl who's to sad to give a fuck...
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
--Bright Eyes, Lover I Don't Have to Love

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 847
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/27/2006 10:30:37 AM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

We need to quit smoking.  The patches have not worked, the gum has not worked, and the pills make us angry and homicidal.  Any suggestions on how we can go about this, besides a smart-ass comment about lube?


Yes, I have one. Fill your mouth and nose with quick drying cement. This way you will not be able to inhale any smoke thus ending your craving for smoking.


My Dad is going to get another dog. He is not sure what kind to get. Any recommendations?

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Lidh2l)
Profile   Post #: 848
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/27/2006 11:12:04 AM   
MadameDahlia


Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline 		A living one. They play fetch better. Though there is that whole car chasing problem.

I don't sleep well at night. I think my mattress may be the cause. Should I get a new one or sleep on the couch as a more cost efficient means of solving the problem?

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 849
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/27/2006 4:22:22 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I don't sleep well at night. I think my mattress may be the cause. Should I get a new one or sleep on the couch as a more cost efficient means of solving the problem?


The problem with mattresses is that they contain springs. Springs bounce. Therefore the reason you are not sleeping well is you are bouncing while you sleep. Now, there are a few ways to solve this problem. One is to throw lag bolts through your hands and feet and bolt yourself to the bed. The second thing you can do is to Krazy Glue yourself to the bed. The final one, and this is a little extreme is to put one ton of bricks on top of your mattress, compressing the springs and then the springs won't bounce you around at night. Good luck to you and have a wonderful nights rest.


I keep thinking I hear something in my closet. I live alone so I know that it isn't human. Any thoughts as to what it could be and what I can do to get rid of it?

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to MadameDahlia)
Profile   Post #: 850
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/27/2006 8:18:48 PM   
HouseofBear


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/9/2005
Status: offline 		Probably rats, so the best thing to do is go get 6 cats, do not feed them for about two days, then lock them up in your closet.  I bet they will fix the problem.  After about 6 hours, let them out and make sure to reach out to pet them for their good work as they are leaving the closet.

I wish my house had about 5 more bedrooms. So how do I go about enlarging it?

< Message edited by HouseofBear -- 5/27/2006 8:19:51 PM >

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 851
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/27/2006 8:52:33 PM   
LaMalinche


Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		Get some gasoline and some matches.  Put aresole cans in the microwave.  Turn the stove on and plug in and turn on all electrical appliances.  Spread the gasoline around, turn the microwave on and throw matches through your front door.  The insurance company will be happy to build you a larger home, especially if someone dies in the fire.


I keep hearing bells?  What should I do to stop the ringing?


_____________________________

Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil... prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon...

(in reply to HouseofBear)
Profile   Post #: 852
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/27/2006 9:42:38 PM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I keep hearing bells? What should I do to stop the ringing?

Take off your nipple jewelry.

I'm watching Roy Orbison in Black & White on PBS. How do I tune in color?

(in reply to LaMalinche)
Profile   Post #: 853
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/27/2006 10:20:16 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I'm watching Roy Orbison in Black & White on PBS. How do I tune in color?


Well, it is pretty easy, but it gets tiring. Use magic markers and sit in front of the TV screen and color in the pictures as they move around. Now, you have to be fast and a good artist because the images do not stand still all the time.


I don't ever want to do laundry again. Help me make this possible.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Petruchio)
Profile   Post #: 854
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/27/2006 10:25:02 PM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I don't ever want to do laundry again. Help me make this possible.

Go naked!

Unfortunately, when I go nude, women scream and men faint. What must I do?

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 855
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/27/2006 11:03:48 PM   
VandalHeart


Posts: 1333
Joined: 9/12/2004
Status: offline 		Recite ancient incantations and pulla body switch with someone attractive.

I'm having trouble waking up when my alarm goes off / phone rings.  How can I stop sleeping so deeply?

_____________________________

I ask for so little. Just let me rule you, and you can have everything that you want. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave.
--King Jarenth of the Goblins, Labyrinth

(in reply to Petruchio)
Profile   Post #: 856
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/27/2006 11:05:29 PM   
Wolf1020


Posts: 447
Joined: 11/7/2005
From: Anderson, SC
Status: offline
quote:

Unfortunately, when I go nude, women scream and men faint. What must I do?

Cover your scream and faint inducing parts with extra sticky duct tape.

I keep getting annoying songs stuck in my head.  How should I get rid of them?

_____________________________

"The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night."~ Otto von Bismarck

"Fish and visitors smell in three days"~Benjamin Franklin

(in reply to Petruchio)
Profile   Post #: 857
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/28/2006 1:25:03 AM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I keep getting annoying songs stuck in my head.  How should I get rid of them?


Get an IPod.  Take those little white fluffy headphones and drive a 2 3/4" Roofing Nail thru each of the headphone speakers WITH THE POINTY PART FACING IN.  Put on the headphones.  Voila, no annoying songs.

The railroad runs thru the middle of the house, and its making it hard for me to assemble my pipe bomb collection.  How do I stop the annoying vibrations?

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to Wolf1020)
Profile   Post #: 858
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/28/2006 7:00:23 AM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		Put a "STOP" sign up in front of your house and then wave the train through slowly.

I have vertigo but like to ride merry-go-rounds that spin in the opposite direction.  How can I avoid feeling like I am going in two directions?

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 859
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 5/28/2006 11:35:33 PM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyJulieAnn

I have vertigo but like to ride merry-go-rounds that spin in the opposite direction. How can I avoid feeling like I am going in two directions?


From a physics standpoint, you ARE going in multiple directions at once. Since it's difficult to stop the Earth from revolving and rotating, simply turn the carousel on its side like a ferris wheel. Cling tightly with your knees so that you don't slide off the pony.

I would like to see a carousel which has nude human figures to ride. How should the figures be positioned on the merry-go-round?

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)
Profile   Post #: 860
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