RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (Full Version)

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DarkSideOfThMoon -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 2:09:51 PM)

Reply giving them your home address so they can see if they actually know you. If they do not reply, try sending some naked pictures, to see if it a past lover, and if that doesn't work, then I'd hunt them down yourself, naked, with warrior paint all over you.

I want to get a tattoo but I don't have any money, what should I do?



FullCircle -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 2:18:35 PM)

The best way to counter identity theft is with a fake identity. Buy the identity of a murderer from a black market salesman. Then when someone steals your fake identity they will end up in prison for murder. It’s logical, you see?

My car keeps breaking down and I can't afford a new one what should I do?



FullCircle -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 2:21:58 PM)

Get the tattoo done at an art project run by the prison service it is free and effective.

I still have the car problem since my last post above what should I do.



ADomDoc -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 2:31:48 PM)

quote:

The best way to counter identity theft is with a fake identity. Buy the identity of a murderer from a black market salesman. Then when someone steals your fake identity they will end up in prison for murder.
An excellent concept ... but, may I humbly suggest getting the ID of someone convicted of child sexual abuse ... so when they get arrested for stealing your ID, they wind up as Bubba's love toy! 
But ... gotta make sure you don't show the cops the extra ID if you get stopped for a broken tail light.




Petruchio -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 5:11:38 PM)

quote:

My car keeps breaking down and I can't afford a new one what should I do?


1. Stop buying Toyotas.

2. Trade your car in on a bicycle. Not only will your car never break down again (in your possession), but you will save gas and girls will flock to you.

Now that we've saved Circle, what can we do with his junk car?

(This was actually a real problem after West Germany asorbed East Germany. The East Germans had built a trashy car that not only didn't run well, but couldn't be recycled. The Germans even tried grinding it up into road paving material, but the plastic in it stunk too much to continue the practice.)



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 5:35:27 PM)

quote:

Now that we've saved Circle, what can we do with his junk car?


First we start off by realizing that he is a she. As far as the car, it is too tough to tell the sex of a car. A use for the car though would be to fill it up with top soil and turn it into an attractive planter.


I have impacted earwax and I can't hear from my one ear. Are there any home remedies that I can try?



TolerableCruelty -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 5:39:22 PM)

a screwdriver, obviously... just jam it in as far as you possibly can, then twist it around a bit... may not get the wax out, but it will at least clear path for the entering soundwaves..

I'm trying to amass a fortune by using a single paycheck.... any ideas on how I can multiply it into the amount of money I need to live comfortably the rest of My life ??



Wolf1020 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 6:56:46 PM)

Get Donald Trump wasted and stage photos he wont want made public.

I have so much body hair I was reported as a big foot sighting.  What should I do?



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 8:15:58 PM)

quote:

I have so much body hair I was reported as a big foot sighting.  What should I do?


Well if I have never heard of a better business to get yourself into... this would be the one. Begin shaving yourself and keep the hair until you have enough to make something out of it, like a coat or a scarf. Then advertise them on eBay as Genuine Big Foot Clothes. You will retire in weeks... if you have enough hair.


I think that my one neighbor (it's a wonderful neighborhood... honest!) has a crush on me. The problem is he is about 450 pounds and about 5' 4" and he takes baths in mens cologne. He is also tough to understand because he is Egyptian. Any advice would be wonderful. Oh... I am straight.



Wolf1020 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 8:20:51 PM)


don't worry, with all that hanging down he wont be able to get to anything that could cause problems with your straitness.  Just ply him with doughnuts and sweet treats and he will be a good little slave to you.  Great for running errands and doing your shopping for you and such.

I can't shave off the hair.  I'm attached to it you see, plus I get really nasty razor burn and bumps when I shave anything but my face.  Prone to infected ingrown hairs too.  Any other suggestions?  I'm thinking acting and children's birthday parties would be good.  Imagine what I could get out of Oprah.



champagnewishes -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 8:25:35 PM)

Walk like an Egyptian....
Slide your feet up the street bend your back
Shift your arm then you pull it back
Life is hard you know, oh-way-oh
So strike a pose on a Cadillac

Damn, now i have that song stuck in my head....how to rid my thoughts of it?

Ah Wolf...you beat me to the "ok" button....that was for Gauge....As for your hair....may i suggest cornrow braids and a jog down the beach....it worked for Bo Derek.




Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 8:41:58 PM)

quote:

Damn, now i have that song stuck in my head....how to rid my thoughts of it?


Sure... sing the Barney Song 'I Love You' that should take your mind off of Walk Like An Egyptian. (on a side note, Walk Like an Egyptian is a song my band plays)


I have three songs to learn before my band practices tomorrow. I have no time to sit and do it. Is there a shortcut I could use?



Wolf1020 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 8:43:45 PM)

go to your tattoo artist and have him ink the lyrics onto your corneas

I'm still dealing with my body hair problem, see above for details.



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 8:50:14 PM)

quote:

I'm still dealing with my body hair problem, see above for details.


Ya know. I offer you the best business advice I can and you bitch because you get little painful bumps on your skin. Sacrifices MUST be made in order to gain your fortune. I want in on the first issue of stock options.


I am trying to figure out how to tattoo lyrics on to my own eyes. The local tattoo artist has had a small run in with a strange band of ninja rats. Thoughts?



Wolf1020 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 9:02:51 PM)

quote:

I am trying to figure out how to tattoo lyrics on to my own eyes. The local tattoo artist has had a small run in with a strange band of ninja rats. Thoughts?

Superglue a really fine needle onto a mirror, this way you can get really close in and see what you are doing.  Even better you can watch the letters just appear, cool huh?

So now I have a bunch of hair laying on the floor that my dogs are rolling in like its the best thing since scooby snacks.  What should I do they are destroying my profit margin.  And on top of that im itchy as all hell and smell like a french whore from all the aftershave I had to use.



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 9:14:45 PM)

quote:

So now I have a bunch of hair laying on the floor that my dogs are rolling in like its the best thing since scooby snacks.  What should I do they are destroying my profit margin.  And on top of that im itchy as all hell and smell like a french whore from all the aftershave I had to use.


Shave the dogs too. Like anyone will REALLY know it isn't Bigfoot's real hair.


I am thinking of a career as a business consultant. Think that is a good idea?



Wolf1020 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 9:17:28 PM)

not really cause now my dogs caught a cold and there is a vet bill.  Also they look like someone turned them inside out and the other dogs laugh at them, so in spite they pissed on the hair supply.  So no, you have been a horrible consultant so far

I need a way to remove dog urine from body hair, any suggestions?



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 9:22:05 PM)

quote:

I need a way to remove dog urine from body hair, any suggestions?


Horrible business consultant? Hmmm. To clean the dog urine from the body hair, stick large clumps of hair in your mouth and pour in soap and water and swish everything around until the hair is clean. Rinse, lather, repeat.


Maybe I should go into acting. What do you think?



Wolf1020 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 9:23:49 PM)

nah, my body hair has already regrown and I have been cast for all the desireable roles

I do need an acting agent though, any ideas?



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/30/2006 9:28:37 PM)

quote:

I do need an acting agent though, any ideas?


Sure. I won't tell you, but sure I have ideas. Horrible business consultant INDEED!


I think I want to write a book. I need some story suggestions though. Any hints?



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