Lockit
Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lapdancefool
I have no complaint. I just know the score. Back in the day I could have wrangled myself a Dominant Woman, the same as I managed to have romantic relationships generally. Nowadays due to the evil passage of time my value has dropped below the necessary threshold leaving me, for purposes of attraction and desirability, bankrupt, worthless and obsolete. Futility is the softening agent of twilight that differentiates it from the bright noonday sun. Faded, blended into the background, effectively invisible, to show up is to not be seen at all, and then to speak from that inevitable concealment is impolite because it startles people to hear disembodied voices. They wonder if they are hearing things, or if they are on Candid Camera. The final nail in the coffin of hope is the fact that despairing exacerbates it, since nobody wants anybody who projects resignation, let alone actual discouragement. I made peace with these middle-age facts of life that take the place of their more promising predecessors.
Now, instead of prolonging my lame exhibition here I will go stand in the shade in the yard and watch cars go by for a while. The Doppler whooshing soothes me when I have been upset by reality.
Lapdance,
I'm going to attempt something I really shouldn't do before my morning brain fog has lifted, so bear with me please. I'm also going to share something deeply personal to me and something that only those closest to me have heard. How to make it brief is my problem here. All my life I had certain struggles that made it difficult to maintain a relationship. On a personal level, there were few problems, it was what came with my health issues that made things difficult and the reason I lost nearly every relationship I ever had. In fact, only one was over something else. Still I wanted to believe that somewhere out there, there was someone strong enough, who could love me enough to be able to handle what I had going on.
In 2001 I was handed a death sentence. I asked the powers that be, whom I didn't know and wasn't close to, for two more years to see that my children were in a better position to be able to handle young adulthood and life without a mom and only parent. Coming from that position would sound reasonable, but it was like pushing ten years into what I asked for in time, of two years. Trying to find stable people for my children to count on when I was the only one they had... well, it wasn't a great idea, but I am not sure I know a parent that wouldn't try. How I viewed things was the problem. There was a bit of parental panic in there.
I also wanted my happy ending. I didn't want to ask anyone to share my end with me for them, but damn it might have been nice to know the love and strength in someone that would lovingly stand by me until the end, finding some worth in me that I knew was there. My looking far younger than my age confused things as many didn't believe I was ill and men that had known me and wanted to date me for years were all about. I was looking for something that is rarely found and what I at times considered impossible. So I know something of what you are talking about and may be feeling.
More was learned about my illness as it was rare. So rare there were only two hundred and fifty families world wide that were known to have the disease. How do you plan a future or even dying with little information, few resources as 911 killed the only business I could still do, my income was slashed to under five hundred a month and soon I was to have a son I would have to care for, for the rest of my life? I learned all I could, didn't do what the doctors wanted me to do because they would have killed me and that was contributing to the claims that I would be dead very soon. I had cried, stomped my foot and all for my children I couldn't protect any longer and after a few months, I said fuck this shit! I am not dead, I am going to find a way to do this for as long as I can and fuck the odds... the ugly... the impossible. Nothing has kept me from living true to myself so far and god damn it, nothing else will.
It is true, I don't have anyone, but I am not dead yet. I know the discouragement, the facts of age, time, life and situations and I know that discouragement is the real killer! I laugh every day. I play every day. I have my days of... is this all there is? I'm greedy, I want it all and I won't settle for less than what will enhance my life and spirit and am still alone, but I am not unhappy and while I face the real facts that I may not find anyone and may live alone the rest of my life, I also know that unless I found that person I would need in strength, character, humor, intelligence and who will allow me to be lead in his life, I wouldn't want it any different. It is easy to think of what you don't have and to add the negatives of view of what you do have (age, wrinkles, extra pounds, shadowing of physical brilliance, etc.) and it is easy to limit yourself because these things are real.
BUT, there are people all over the place with the same issues that are finding people and love. Are they just the lucky one's or are they people who refused to give up and cave into their self talk and some reality that takes far too much from them, preventing often times the very things they seek from happening.
By the powers that be that I still don't know and am not close to... I am still breathing and I still have a decent mind, a great heart, lots of bubbling laughter inside that needs to spill out and a independent personality that can be both charming and well... so strong I won't let myself do myself damage by allowing myself to do less or take less than what will continue to bring out my strengths. I wouldn't be me if I didn't stubbornly refuse to continue on just as if I were not ill.
Someone out there is strong enough and able to love me no matter what I have going on. I just have to find him. My time outside my home is limited and therefore I have an even bigger challenge, but by god I never let a challenge take me down and I am not starting now. It isn't all attitude though. I said I understand the discouragement and I do. There are days when I was eaten up by it. That's when it helps to know someone like me. lol Look what she faces... look at her... look at me... and then you hear that used to be little and now just short, redhead laugh and make you laugh and know that it really isn't that bad. You can make it another day and stop the daily harassment upon your mind and heart that you do when you look at the limitations and not the possibilities.
You can't wait for possibilities... you have to create them. Are the odds against you still there? Yes. Is the time clock quickly moving? Yes. If you were hungry would you find food? Yes. So don't let the facts stop you from living a life goal. Can't find love... give it. Can't find one... be the one. (I can explain that elsewhere.) And one day someone maybe like you, will see the smartness it takes to withstand and move on and be smart enough to grab a hold of you and keep you. I still believe even with the facts and it is that belief you must hold onto until you have a real body to hold and until then... be the one and hold on to yourself.
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No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!
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