RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom?

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/28/2010 12:49:10 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Y'all are totally missing the point. But that's okay.

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/28/2010 12:50:04 PM

Missokyst

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This has my vote. A guy buying lingerie for a woman who has not even entered his life seems creepy to me. But a strap on.. maybe it is because I have never entertained the idea of buying or using a strap on, I can only view it as a dildo type item, and those should be personal. Do they make them in particular shapes and sizes to fit each individual wearer? In that case it would be more like lingerie. I admit to being clueless about that side of the kneel. It does seem to me though, if it were more link something that had to be fitted, he would be in for some disappointment. I still don't see how it is an affront to any future woman in his life, since the other part (intimate items to be used ONLY on him) outweighs the inconvienience in size.
I will also point out that females tend to own their own vibrators or dildos to be used on them and no one blinks twice.
I think the issue is not so much that the product is there just in case. I think it is an issue because so many females are approached by males who want their kink met on demand, even if they proclaim themselves to be submissive.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shallowdeep

And, for the record, I happen to feel buying lingerie before a relationship would be creepy. I just think it would be pretty normal for a guy to not make the connection that a strap-on might be similarly personal to a woman.

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 6/28/2010 12:55:47 PM >

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/28/2010 1:15:54 PM

LadyPact

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I think this thread and things like it actually do some good. People are learning a bit about the products and getting to see that opinions vary on the matter. Some of the perspectives are different, so if nothing else, the information is here that this might not be a great idea.

It really is difficult to come up with a good comparison item about the subject. The bullwhip is a nice try, but it doesn't quite get there. While some folks will say that all play involved in BDSM is sexual to them, I think there is a little more when comparing that to an item where each half has the same kind of personal use. There are some floggers out there that have the dildo shaped handles, but that still only covers the penetration of one person, while not having the same connection to the other. It really is a challenge to think of another item that matches the situation. I thought maybe a double ended dildo might be closer, but that may be going too far in the other direction.

It is nice to see folks come forward and say that, since it isn't their cup of tea, they may not be seeing the intimacy factor in the same way. That is definitely appreciated, at least by Me.

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/28/2010 1:32:07 PM

Missokyst

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So strap-ons are items that are insertable for the female, and insertable for the male? I had no idea. LOL things are so much easier when you only play with guys who have their own equipment (even though they might use dildo's as well)!

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/28/2010 2:14:18 PM

LadyPact

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Some are, Missokyst. They actually sell harnesses for that type, too. They can be used without, but they tend to slip (I guess would be the best word for it) so that it tends to pop out on the female end. The female end is actually the shorter of the two for My feeldoe, which is fine without the harness. I've tended to notice that the slipping happens more often if the scene is more on the aggressive side or in My case, since I'm only 5'2", can happen when there is a significant discrepancy in height.

Personally, I own one of each type. The feeldoe and one that doesn't have double ended penetration. The one that doesn't insert on My side does have a small vibe in the base, which is a great feature. The dildo itself does snap in and can be detached from the base so they can be changed should I find another person that I wanted to be involved in this type of play.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 6/28/2010 2:20:02 PM >

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/28/2010 2:18:35 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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If I was a fem dom , and had no interest in strap on play, I wouldn't mind IF he respected the fact I aint into strap on play and I will not do him with a strap on, put it away.

No harm in having an item you want a future partner to use on you, if you'll respect them and the descion they make if they said no.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

But what about a sub that buys a strap on harness w/dildo - a toy he has no intent to use, at all, on himself - a toy that he bought "for" his Mistress, but he has no Mistress. In other words, he's just waiting, until he meets her, then at some point will say, "Oh hey I got this.." and not only did he get it "for" her, he got it..before he met her.

Is this preparedness on the part of the sub, and good for him. Or is it inappropriate, and probably not something to tell a woman he's met?

Akasha

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/28/2010 2:20:13 PM

Missokyst

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LOL I learn things everyday. A friend of mine was telling me about a feeldoe and I had no idea they existed. For someone who has been doing this a long time there are sure a lot of things of which I remain clueless.

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/28/2010 3:05:21 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

This really falls under the rubric of compatibility. If the fact that someone bought something with their money for the two of you to use together bugs you that much, don't pursue intimacy with that person... or tell them how you feel about it and see if their response is acceptable to you...

Underline mine.

He didn't buy it "for the two of us." He bought it before he met me, ever talked to me, ever talked to *any* femdom. Big difference.

Akasha

I have had toys used on me that were not purchased for me specifically.... They were still in their packaging, but they were not purchased for me.... so excuse me if I do not think that this is a big deal...

You missed the entire gist of my post, which is if it don't work for your femdomliness... move on to the next. It doesn't mean there is one little fucking thing wrong with him, it just doesn't suit YOU

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/28/2010 5:06:35 PM

NuevaVida

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~ Fast Reply ~

I only browsed through this thread, but what comes to mind is a guy who has not experienced this, who, out of curiosity thought, "Hey, I should get this thing - maybe the woman in my future might appreciate it."

I suppose we all have our quirks but I don't see the issue here at all. To me it would be no big deal.

My owner had some new blindfolds and cuffs when I met him. He was replacing some things from his toy bag and knew they were things he'd want to use, and yes, these are things a woman would be wearing - a woman he had not met yet.

I'm not creeped out by that at all. I'm glad he thought enough in advance to have them.

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/28/2010 9:39:38 PM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Y'all are totally missing the point. But that's okay.

No we aren't all missing the point. It is more a matter of some you not hearing OUR points. First of all, we really have no information about how this whole "I have a strap on that I bought for when I finally meet my mistress" came about. That DOES make a huge difference, and I believe it was intentionally left out of the description and the question in an attempt to generalize the situation in the hopes of everyone agreeing he was creepy. Surprise! It seems only a select few find him creepy.

Now, we all hear over and over again how the femdoms are objectified, how men really just see you as the means to meeting their sexual fantasy and so on. I've no doubt that there are far too many guys who do think that, and there are reasons for it, but they are irrelevant to this thread.

Certainly a man sending you an initial email that says "Dear Ma'am, see what I bought for you to use should you accept me" is out of line. Still wouldn't call it creepy, I find it funny in its stupidity.

A man listing this on his profile....inappropriate? probably, but still not creepy. Won't likely increase femdoms writing to him, but overall, and the point in question...not creepy.

Now exactly what happened in the case at hand? Were any emails exchanged? Was there any "getting to know" you stuff that had occurred first, and the time had come to move on to discussing kinks and sexual desires?

Let's keep in mind the one thing we HAVE been made aware of is that this guy was completely and totally inexperienced. So he has little idea, beyond the porn he has watched (which is not a good instructor) as to what he should or shouldn't be doing.

So poor little newbie sees strap on play in a porn flick, a magazine, reads a story, whatever, and he is aroused by it. The porn, magazine or story doesn't include instructions on all the different types of harnesses there are.

Here is what y'all are missing, and several have been trying to point it out to you as politely and clearly as possible.

MEN DO NOT THINK THE SAME WAY AS WOMEN

It doesn't get much clearer than that. What I have seen throughout the majority of this thread by those who feel it was such a HUGE sin on this guy's part is that he shouldn't be thinking about his pleasure at all. It almost sounds as though the OP likes the idea of him being new, but preferrs that he lived under a rock until she came along.

Now I completely agree that no woman wants to feel like they are the object that fufills some guys sexual fantasies and nothing else. However, what I keep hearing is that these guys having fantasies at all means they are creeps, they don't understand who is in control and a whole host of other insulting things.

Now I'm not saying that every femdom on this thread or on these boards have responded or made statements like that, but certainly enough have. I have said over and over again, that there are two people here, each with their own feelings, emotions, wants and desires. So while the femdom doesn't want to feel like nothing more than the means to an end for some guys sexual fantasies, a submissive male who is looking for a relationship is going to want to serve a woman who isn't coming across as being self centered and selfish without a single care about that submissive man's feelings, emotions, wants or desires.

We all know there are lots of creeps out there. With all due respect to the femdoms out there, you don't corner the market in creepy men, there is more than our fair share on the male dominant side as well.

If you continue to look for every possible reason that a man is a creep (or whatever else you want to call him), you will find something. There is something "wrong" with all of us, we aren't perfect. I'm not saying that anyone shouldn't have discriminating taste in seeking what they want, but in this situation, what I see, and I certainly don't seem to be in the minority, is some poor guy who is waiting for his first experience, who made a newbie mistake and then found himself probably blocked without explanation, or worse verbally berated for his mistake. Hopefully, he wasn't so turned off by the whole situation that he won't try again for another year.

Meanwhile, I see a lot of women who seem to have become so jaded and suspicious of all men's actions that they are now seeking the littlest reason to find fault with a guy. That to me is sad.

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/28/2010 9:56:37 PM

Marini

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Riddle me this, cause I often get things confused especially on here.
Who is in charge?
The Dominant or the submissive?

Was/is he a bit misguided and perhaps over-eager, and topping from the bottom??
.....YES!
Do I have to even look at and surely NOT even consider using the stupid strap on harness?
Am I the big D and he the little s, in the D/s relationship?

The answer is: YES!!!!!!!!!!
Someone give me my door prize.

I can tell him I don't even want to see it, and order him to throw it away.

Damn, it's great to be the Dominant party in the relationship.

The issue for me, will be: Is this the submissive/slave for ME?
Does he suit me? Are we compatible? Do we desire the same sort of relationship? Can I trust him?
Are we happy together? Do I sense a long term future?
If the answer to the above questions are YES, I can then ORDER him to throw the damn strap on harness he bought before he met me away.

Than, I will allow him to buy "items/toys" that I want.
End of problemo!
It's a new day for us, and I can look forward to a wonderful relationship.

I am more concerned about the person I am meeting, and the development of an "us", and less concerned what he bought prior to meeting me.

< Message edited by Marini -- 6/28/2010 10:04:43 PM >

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/28/2010 10:02:04 PM

cloudboy

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Its much better, actually, if the submissive male buys the strap-on as a part of an online training class he's taking with a Mistress he'll never meet.

The tricky part is, what does he do with the strap-on after classes let out and he must meet someone F2F?

[Frankly, I have more concern for the guy in an online training class forming an attachment to someone remote from him -- than I do from a bloke buying a strap-on independently.]

Would maledoms get all "up in arms" if a femsub bought her own restraints, a paddle, or anything else? I think not. There's a kind of weird sexism directed at malesubs who show an interest in BDSM sex, and I agree with you, I think the reason for this is that Men and Women think differently. Men are much more game for sex, and women are much more guarded about it. When a man is proactive he might be too aggressive or presumptuous. When a woman is proactive, I guess she gets tagged as a "slut" or "dirty."

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 6/28/2010 10:09:36 PM >

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/28/2010 10:11:30 PM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Its much better, actually, if the submissive male buys the strap-on as a part of an online training class he's taking with a Mistress he'll never meet.

The tricky part is, what does he do with the strap-on after classes let out and he must meet someone F2F?

Would maledoms get all "up in arms" if a woman bought her own restraints, a paddle, or anything else? I think not. There's a kind of weird sexism directed at malesubs who show an interest in BDSM sex, and I agree with you, I think the reason for this is that Men and Women think differently. Men are much more game for sex, and women are much more guarded about it.

That's only part of the point. The ages old myth that men like sex more than women is pretty outdated. I see it more as a matter of some femdoms just taking that issue of being in control so far, that they become blinded by it. It's what causes some men to think they hate men.

To be very clear, I'm not talking about the hook up type of situation. Those operate under a whole different set of rules. I'm talking about people who are looking for and complaining they can't find a relationship. As much as the "game" (using the term loosely) of D/s means it is all about the "D," the reality is that in a relationship, if the "D" is never considering the "s," the "D" is going to find themselves alone before too long, be they male or female. Yes, there is a whole lot of denying the "s" certain pleasures, and some s-types enjoy it, but I'm seeing some that are so into the control, so into denying the s-type any kind of enjoyment (except for when the planets are all aligned under an eclipse with a rainbow), that it is no wonder they are alone, and honestly, they probably need to work on some of their own inner issues before seeking a partner.

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/29/2010 3:27:28 AM

ranja

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

In this case, he bought it for a woman, not for himself to wear. It was designed for women.

Akasha

thank you for that info,

was it your size?

< Message edited by ranja -- 6/29/2010 3:28:12 AM >

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/30/2010 9:10:32 PM

cloudboy

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quote:

That's only part of the point. The ages old myth that men like sex more than women is pretty outdated. I see it more as a matter of some femdoms just taking that issue of being in control so far, that they become blinded by it. It's what causes some men to think they hate men.

Well, what's funny is the contrast of "O my God, that guy bought a strap on," with the usual desire many femdoms express to dominate Alpha Males.

Anyway, when women want to go on a fault-finding mission with men, the haul is usually a large one.

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/30/2010 9:22:03 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Its much better, actually, if the submissive male buys the strap-on as a part of an online training class he's taking with a Mistress he'll never meet.

The tricky part is, what does he do with the strap-on after classes let out and he must meet someone F2F?

Would maledoms get all "up in arms" if a woman bought her own restraints, a paddle, or anything else? I think not. There's a kind of weird sexism directed at malesubs who show an interest in BDSM sex, and I agree with you, I think the reason for this is that Men and Women think differently. Men are much more game for sex, and women are much more guarded about it.

That's only part of the point. The ages old myth that men like sex more than women is pretty outdated. I see it more as a matter of some femdoms just taking that issue of being in control so far, that they become blinded by it. It's what causes some men to think they hate men.

To be very clear, I'm not talking about the hook up type of situation. Those operate under a whole different set of rules. I'm talking about people who are looking for and complaining they can't find a relationship. As much as the "game" (using the term loosely) of D/s means it is all about the "D," the reality is that in a relationship, if the "D" is never considering the "s," the "D" is going to find themselves alone before too long, be they male or female. Yes, there is a whole lot of denying the "s" certain pleasures, and some s-types enjoy it, but I'm seeing some that are so into the control, so into denying the s-type any kind of enjoyment (except for when the planets are all aligned under an eclipse with a rainbow), that it is no wonder they are alone, and honestly, they probably need to work on some of their own inner issues before seeking a partner.

You would think that would be true Layfayette Lady. It is certainly true for me as a sub to an extent. However, there are many people out there that are very much like chameleons. I remember when looking for a male sub the first time being totally frustrated when I got responses that literally (not just saying it because it seemed like the right answer), suggested that they had NO preference. Those chameleons change their pleasure to yours, even odd things. It was eerie and not at all what I wanted. But for every goose there is at least one gander and vice versa.

As far as I go, my desires do to an extent change to suit his, what was not so hot becomes very hot to me because he likes it. It does not extend to totally service oriented things...for example if he said you have to just clean my house and nothing else. I would be gone. To that extent, I agree with you, but again, when I was talking to tons of male subs, there were many that desired that and thought I was odd to ask them what they wanted. I didn't choose any of them (haha I often wished I had), but they do exist.

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/30/2010 10:20:32 PM

hardbodysub

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So what's wrong with a sub having a "hope chest"? Nothing, IMO.

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 7/1/2010 4:50:12 AM

curbisub

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A 'Hope Chest", hmmm I have a toy bag. I guess having your own toys for Her to use only on me cut's down on getting ill by using toys used by/on others.

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 7/1/2010 6:20:16 AM

xssve

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I have a pet peeve about subs buying 'gifts' for femdoms in the way of toys (to be used on him), but I think a lot of femdoms do also. Something I am not a big fan of but accept that there's some reasoning behind it, for self play and exploration, is when a sub buys lots of toys like plugs or vibes or whatever. I understand self bondage and self play, so that's understandable.

I can't quite get my head around subs buying chastity devices and being totally independent using them - ie, they wear it 100% for themselves with no femdom in sight, not even via email. I guess it's another form of self play...so ok, I get it.

But what about a sub that buys a strap on harness w/dildo - a toy he has no intent to use, at all, on himself - a toy that he bought "for" his Mistress, but he has no Mistress. In other words, he's just waiting, until he meets her, then at some point will say, "Oh hey I got this.." and not only did he get it "for" her, he got it..before he met her.

Is this preparedness on the part of the sub, and good for him. Or is it inappropriate, and probably not something to tell a woman he's met?

Akasha

Well, you know, maybe they just want to make sure it fits - a lot of female subs insist "the toy goes with the sub", i.e., they don't just want to be poked with any old thing lying around, you don't know where it's been...

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