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Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 4:53:23 AM   
scslave4Master


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/4/2008
Status: offline 		Had a very satisfying experience recently with a Dom. We had been talking for few weeks prior to meeting. 2 hour session was awesome, the hair on the back of my neck stood up, i had goosebumps throughout and felt thoroughly satiated at the conclusion. However, looking back (hindsight) i wanted Dom to be more aggressive and rougher - i dodnt even have marks the next day - realize this was only first session together and we are meeting again later this week. My question is this: is it wrong or not pc for me to tell Dom he can go further and push harder - or is that topping from the bottom or whatever - i just don't know what protocol dictates - but thought he may desire to know that he can explore me more aggressively. Can anyone offer assistance or your opinions please?
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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 4:56:23 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		I think that depends on the Dom. Given that it's your first session, it's may not be uncommon for it to be lighter. He may just be getting a feel for how you respond. Ask him.

For me being honest is appropriate. Typically, looking at him and saying "you hit like a girl" works.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 6/28/2010 4:59:43 AM >

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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 4:57:47 AM   
gedienstig


Posts: 155
Joined: 5/9/2010
Status: offline 		I have always given honest evaluations at Doms. After each date I have told them: you know, this and this was amazing, but this thing didn't speak to me, how did you feel about that? Just also mention the positive things he did. Usually, dominants will want to adjust their play so it fits the slave better, but they might also have their limits of things they don't do. I'm a submissive here, and I might be going on a ledge, but I don't think dominants would want an unhappy slave.

At best, you have a better second session
At worst, you find out you're not as compatible as you initially thought, which isn't that bad at all, since you wouldn't want a vanilla relationship with someone you don't match with either.

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If they say why, why?
Tell 'em that it's human nature

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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 5:00:49 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		At this time I imagine you are not in the Dom's collar, so I think it is very much your call how much you want to open up to him. If you had his collar and were a sub, my belief is that it would depend on your pre-collar agreement. Were, on the other hand, you collared as a slave, would you really dishonour yourself and dirty the collar by being less then honest with your owner?

On principle, I would rather a sub/slave play partner tell me such things to remove any doubt of how much I could go at the early stages.


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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 5:03:48 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Sure, tell him. How he reacts will tell you a whole lot about him. I'm not sure I would go so far as to say "You hit like a girl," but maybe say "That was awesome, lets go deeper next time."...
On a side note, I never play hard with someone first play. First play I am judging how we interact, how she reacts to certain stimuli, what turns her on, what doesn't. First plays are feeling out processes for me, laying groundwork for future interactions. So maybe there is a bit o'that in there as well...


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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 5:07:31 AM   
delicatelydirty


Posts: 126
Joined: 2/7/2010
Status: offline 		My advice would be let him know... you are learning about each other and if you start a process of not speaking up now, that may become the norm and hard to break down the track which will lead to you both being dissatisfied and frustrated. Approach it politely maybe starting with *you know what I really enjoyed* and then add I would love to see if I can take more.

You might find he was going easy because it was your first session, you might find he isn't a hard core sadist, you might find he doesn't like to be told but one way or another you will have an answer.



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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 5:09:23 AM   
scslave4Master


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/4/2008
Status: offline 		awesome advice - and thanks to you all - i will open and be honest with him prior to our next session - my main thing really is not just about me - i want him to know he can go further for his own pleasure and satisfaction too

(in reply to Kana)
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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 5:10:18 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Sure, tell him. How he reacts will tell you a whole lot about him. I'm not sure I would go so far as to say "You hit like a girl," but maybe say "That was awesome, lets go deeper next time."...On a side note, I never play hard with someone first play. First play I am judging how we interact, how she reacts to certain stimuli, what turns her on, what doesn't. First plays are feeling out processes for me, laying groundwork for future interactions. So maybe there is a bit o'that in there as well...




Yes I was joking (mostly).

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 5:20:41 AM   
delicatelydirty


Posts: 126
Joined: 2/7/2010
Status: offline 		another thing you can do is make a habit of having a type of debrief when it is all over and everyone is dressed and back to reality so to speak, I have found for me personally knowing I have a time and place to offer thoughts good and bad helps me to air them when I otherwise might not

(in reply to laurell3)
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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 5:22:59 AM   
gedienstig


Posts: 155
Joined: 5/9/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: delicatelydirty

another thing you can do is make a habit of having a type of debrief when it is all over and everyone is dressed and back to reality so to speak, I have found for me personally knowing I have a time and place to offer thoughts good and bad helps me to air them when I otherwise might not

Yeah, in the beginning, the early sessions, this definitely is an excellent idea. If you don't feel comfortable saying it to his face right after a session, some sort of short evaluation via e-mail might be ideally. Maybe he has some points he would like to improve for you too, wouldn't you like to know?

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If they say why, why?
Tell 'em that it's human nature

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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 5:32:18 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		You know... sometimes they like to leave you wanting more... (Seems like he did that)... and make you think about it while you are away from each other (which you are)... and you are a little bit tittilated (aren't you? Go on... admit it!)....

Yep, tell him... He can decide what to do with the info. (that, by the way, is *NOT* topping from the bottom).

best,
sunshine

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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 5:33:48 AM   
Plasticine


Posts: 260
Joined: 6/9/2010
Status: offline 		You must be honest or as honest as you can.  There may be somethings which you cannot say aloud but you must ask for what you want or you will never know if this person can deliver it.  Not everyone likes it as rough as the next.  I'm fairly averse to physical aggression myself, a sub that needs marks left on her would not be happy with me.  Not at this stage of my development anyway.  If you don't speak up you won't know.  Dom's may have limits too.

(in reply to gedienstig)
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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 5:43:18 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		While I agree that it's fine for you to be open with him, I would begin by asking him his impressions about the previous session and how he feels.  Then add your thoughts that you would be all right with him stepping it up.  Let his concerns be present as well.


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 7:55:34 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you can't talk to him, you shouldn't be playing with him. Communication is essential. You don't have to say "you hit like a girl" since some guys will take that as a challenge you won't want and others will be offended. Just tell him you would like to try it harder next time.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 8:23:53 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I think it's a good standard practice to check in the next day or so anyway. In that situation, I would probably say something along the lines of, "Since I'm so new to this, and we're just starting to explore with each other, I'm glad you were so careful with me. You've really given me a taste for it, and I'd love to increase the intensity next time." If he gets offended by that and accuses you of topping from the bottom, I'd say he probably has poor communication skills and isn't open to feedback. I think most men would feel flattered and ramp it up the next time. If he won't, and that's as hard as he's comfortable with, then perhaps the two of you aren't a good match.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 9:48:49 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Like Kana, I do tend to play on the softer side when it's My first time playing with someone.  I want the opportunity to see how they react, what our energy is like together, and take the cautious route.  That's true whether the bottom has never played before or if they tell Me that they've been playing for years.  They are still new to sharing an experience with Me, so I'm going to start small and work My way up.  As some tops will tell you, not all bottoms have that good of a grasp of what they really can take and what they can't.  (They will literally say they are a pain slut, but the reality is that they are nothing of the sort.)

Absolutely, yes, be honest with the person you are playing with.  If it would have been too much for you, there wouldn't have been an issue with telling him, right?  There's no reason not to discuss that you feel you want more.  You really are talking about an area of compatibility and this is a great time (when you're just starting to get to know each other playing) for you to see if the two of you are a good fit for each other.

I'm glad you had a good time playing with him and I hope you both get to have a lot more fun in the future.


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Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 9:52:56 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		There's a difference between being able to be honest and being given a way to present honest information. If you cannot be honest in some way NOW, at the very beginning of the relationship, what are they odds you'll be able to be honest LATER? Ask him if he has a specific way he wants you to communicate things like this and then phrase your request in that manner. "Sir, I would love to bare your marks," or something along those lines seems appropriate, but again, ask HIM.

Master Fire


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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 11:33:01 AM   
bliss4us09


Posts: 106
Joined: 3/31/2009
Status: offline 		What would be the downside to being open with him? Unless he's forbidden you to give feedback (and I can't say I've ever heard of a Dom who has done that), your honesty would most likely improve things for both of you.

(in reply to scslave4Master)
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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 1:17:57 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		As several have said the first time is usually milder.  I am quite sadistic and even if someone has told me she's a hardcore masochist I am going to go easier the first time to learn how she reacts and get to know one another.

Also as has been said several times communication is good.  Letting him know you enjoyed it and would enjoy it even more if he'd been harder is something I am sure he'll appreciate.

(in reply to bliss4us09)
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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 1:38:05 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Communication should be restricted and ignored as much as possible or as long as possible.

Or wait, is it the other way around?

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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