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Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 4:40:30 AM

letterdoos

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/30/2010
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Hello there, I'm not new here. But I hate feeling helpless and I feel like I am cought between a rock and a hard place. So I am looking for some anonymous advice.

I am married. Have been in a vanilla relationship for about ten years. Just recently I accepted myself in being polyamorous and a switch... Which was quite a shock to my monogamous husband. All my life the signs have been there, but I never thought to look "here". Choosing to be as normal as I could be.

Now with my husband out of my vicinity for a long while (nearly back) and my discoveries in BDSM I seem to be caught in a frenzy. At least thats the term that pops up on forums. On top of what 5 month abstinence and the sole conselation of Tarzan does to me. On top of that some stress from life itself...

I try to take it slow, with my husband away... and the limits he set. Found 3 playmates (my husband knows about 2). Unfortunately, nothing much is happening yet with the two he knows about. Now there's no hour I can go without thinking of BDSM. It gets difficult to function on a day to day bases. Damn that even looks crazy to me, reading it back.

I don't know how realistic my thoughts on playing are, whether the result is what I think it will be. I just can´t get it out of my head. For now I have been able to put my fantasies and such on paper, but I just can't seem to focus much anymore. It's also not enough anymore.

I feel like an addict looking for any way to score. Obsessed by the possibility of a fix, searching everywhere and assessing all options (finding many). Finding bits and peaces now that keep me busy for a short period, but remaining unsatisfied. Getting to the point that I am ready to lie and cheat to get what I want or need.

Talking about it, playing online... it just doesn't work for me anymore. Knowing new things can get you eager, strenghten me in resisting my urges and using common sense for a bit. The tension however is getting my stummoch worked up. Now daily I feel a knot of tension just below my breastbone.

I flip back and forth between doing the right thing and just doing what I want, what I feel I need. Going back and forth between thinking: "Wait!" and "Fuck IT!" I have plenty of options to play, but most (if not all) of them will go outside the limits my partner has set. Or playing will be done with people he doesn't know. The only good thing now is that I have had very limited time to do anything stupid so far.

Does anyone recognise this? Can anyone offer me some advice?
__
edited a typo

< Message edited by letterdoos -- 6/30/2010 4:48:31 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 4:45:53 AM

Jeffff

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This is gonna be one of those threads that cause people to say we are mean to newbies.

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Post #: 2

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 4:47:46 AM

pwnerandpwned

Posts: 83
Joined: 4/13/2010
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My advice would be to tell your husband all these things you just let loose here (or have him read them if you can't articulate them to his face). It seems you know there is no justification for lying and being deceptive...so...go be as open as you can with him with these still unquenched feelings and after his reaction, move on planning a solution (with him) from there. In addition, I'd advise not listening to the advice of others on here (even mine). Random kinky internet folk don't know you/your husband/your relationship well enough to give advice you should listen to. Even if they did, as confused as you are, how do you think you'd know which one of us crazies to listen to anyhow?

< Message edited by pwnerandpwned -- 6/30/2010 4:51:39 AM >

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Post #: 3

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 4:52:55 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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It's frenzy. The best thing I can describe it as is when a gay person comes out of the closet. They go a little crazy because all these things that have been hidden away, sometimes even from themselves, just explode! (Not always true, but often). However, you sound a little overboard!

You are now open to something you've kept quiet about even to yourself(?). Now perhaps is the time to slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww down.

Remember why you married the person you married. Remember what your life is outside of the new stuff.

You said yourself that you sound like an addict. Perhaps you would be able to check out a 12 step meeting. (ACoA, SLAA, Al-Anon, etc.)

Good luck,
sunshine

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Post #: 4

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 4:58:18 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
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From: Quietville
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quote:

Does anyone recognise this? Can anyone offer me some advice?

Use the search feature in the upper right corner to look up "Sub frenzy".

Jeff is correct in the regard that i am going to sound mean, but what the hell. Your entire post is "me me me me me me". Yet, you state a 10 year marriage to a man who was probably blindsided by all this. You mentioned nearly nothing of him, or what your quest for self-fulfillment is doing to him and his emotions.

This is not all about you. You have a commitment with this man and he needs to be a priority.

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Post #: 5

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 5:03:52 AM

Ligeia72

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Joined: 6/29/2010
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I think when it comes to ones need's and one's relationship not necessarily being conducive to one another, you have one of two choices - change/modify your needs or change/modify your relationship.

Personally in this case I think you need to look at how realistic your needs are. The idea/feeling that you can't go a single hour without thinking about/craving BDSM related activities is unrealistic, for example, because there's just no way anyone could ever satisfy those needs. Noone, not even Mega Dom or Super Sub can play literally 24/7. And if your partner has already tried to make accommodations to your needs, and that's still not enough to the point where there's a certain level of betrayal/abuse of trust going on, then that to me signals a problem that is more on the side of 'you need to step away, take some deep breaths, and think about things more'.

I hate to suggest Therapy, as if there's something inherently wrong iwiitwd, but in this situation if it's impacting negatively on not only your life, but someone elses, perhaps a Kink friendly counsellor might be something to consider.

edited for clarity - I mean a kink friendly counsellor that can help you understand/negotiate this phase, and provide support. Or even just connecting more with others in the scene, through munches, etc, and building a support network with likeminded individuals.

< Message edited by Ligeia72 -- 6/30/2010 5:13:35 AM >

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Post #: 6

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 5:07:08 AM

lally2

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Joined: 4/16/2009
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im wondering if you thought that once you got some action it would quell the need a bit. im afraid it really doesnt work that way at all, not for me anyway. i can actually go a long time without the physical release of being with a Dominant, sexual, emotional, physical release - the whole gammit. but when im in a relationship with a Dominant i want Him more and more and all that He brings with Him. but im talking the whole relationship not just the play aspects.

i think that if youre hubby is cool with this then maybe you need to find youreself a 'play' group through some local munch where there will be plenty of opportunity for you to get some action with no emotional reveberrations or connections with anyone specific that might make youre husband uncomfortable.

i agree with sunshine youre in that kinda frenzy phase where it gets way too all encompassing and the more you play the more you want it. its normal, so relax

talk to youre husband when he gets back and maybe, depending on how this thread goes, ask him to read it, it might help him see that what youre feeling is within the normal range of emotions. it might help him to understand this a little more

good luck and try to find ways to relax youre mind and let it go a bit.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 6/30/2010 5:09:38 AM >

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Post #: 7

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 5:16:37 AM

BentUnit

Posts: 897
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Sub Frenzy.....such a mad, divine, melting hot dip into emotional lava.....destructive and out of control.

It's a grass fire that burns very hot with very little fuel unless there is a experienced Dom to yank the reins back, take control and slow feed and stoke that fire.

Once you now what you are and what you need any thing else will become frustrating and turn to ash in your mouth.

Be honest....lay all the cards on the table..it will either end or you'll be able to renegotiate the terms of the relationship to save it.
Either way you'll be honest and there is pride in that.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 8

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 5:21:09 AM

laurell3

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Joined: 5/5/2005
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Yeah I hate to go against the flow here (just kidding), but I'm going to say sub frenzy doesn't cover it. Frenzy is the need/desire compulsion to have it all, experience it all right now. It's not typical in my opinion to throw your entire life out the window because of sub frenzy. Seriously? Do you know how many marriages end because of infidelity? Have you really stopped to think about what you are doing?

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Post #: 9

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 5:29:21 AM

gordianknot

Posts: 11
Joined: 10/20/2009
Status: offline

First, take a deep breath. Then resolve to quit any and all the activities you mentioned for one solid week. During that week you must decide to (1) Level totally with your husband. (2) Lie to him about some or all. (3) Divorce him.

No one here can tell you what to do, but you really should step back and evaluate things as cool-headed as you can.

No matter what your choice, best of luck.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 10

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 6:09:55 AM

letterdoos

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/30/2010
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Think I may have given the wrong impression here. I'm not putting my brain in neutral. It's just that my feelings seem to run wild.

I know it's stupid to go off and get spanked (or spank) the first one that comes by or w/e (like screw around) just because I want, need or feel like it. If I wanted to flush my marriage down the toilet, there would have been ample opportunities before. I wouldn't have stayed within his limits if my husband wasn't my priority.

It's just that keeping the brake on for the last 6 months is now doing stuff to my normally rational mind. There are some things I can explore when he is back. Now it's like someone is saying I should NOT think of a purple moose... and it's the first thing I think of.

Normally I am very moderate in all things and he's the one going overboard. I just haven't been in this position before.

I know exactly what will happen if I go overboard here. That's what I don't want to see happening. Was looking for some suggestions to get myself back in line. Maybe people telling me I need my head examined will help (along with the more usefull advice). Hence my desperate and crazy looking post.

I was thinking that some action would indeed quell the need a bit. Maybe it isn't such a bad thing now that things weren't happening yet... if it would be like lally2 says. Now the week off time sounds like a better plan. Along with the leveling completely. It's not like anything happened yet... just wasn't far off.

Thanks for kicking my ass a bit, and the advice.

@Jefff ...Haha If you want me to feel your really mean you should kick a lot harder.

(in reply to gordianknot)

Post #: 11

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 6:13:35 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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I am staying out of this.

other wise I would say something like, " I think you are out of your fucking mind"....and...
"Long after the thrill of play is gone you will miss the person who invested all that time in you"

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(in reply to letterdoos)

Post #: 12

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 6:17:12 AM

VirginPotty

Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
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It pains me to admit that I'm in agreement with Holly on this one.
You sound very self-centered & only care about your needs.
You were married for 10yrs & counting & all of a sudden you decide you want more. Granted I'm sure these feelings were always buried somewhere in your sub-conscious but now they've bubbled to the surface & it's all about what you want.
I think your hubby was VERY kind & understanding saying you could find what you're looking for..........up to a point, yet you want more because what he agreed to isn't working out for you.
I second what pwner said, tell your husband what you told us wheter it's face to face or copying/pasting the post & giving it to him, he has a right to know.

Good luck.

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Post #: 13

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 7:13:01 AM

DarlingSavage

Posts: 2808
Joined: 9/18/2009
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Take a cold shower.

Get a vibrator and an imagination.

Hit the gym.

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Post #: 14

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 7:42:38 AM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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You have a monogamous husband who allows you to fuck others. And you fuck two he knows about, and are availing yourself of a third that he knows nothing of? I cannot believe that you found a way to cheat on a husband who pretty much allows you whatever you wish.

Where do you find all the time? Do you stay at home while he works to allow you to stay at home?

I'm with DarlingSavage here. Your horniness is taking over. Get it in check.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 8:07:58 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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Sub frenzy indeed.

Look op, you've waited ten years, so surely you can wait a little longer. In the meantime; heavy exercise until the point of exhaustion, start cleaning the house with a toothbrush, use your vibrator and write down ways you can serve your husband.

He may well learn to spank you, if you can wait while he learns, and if you give him lots of positive feedback. It's a lot easier for a person to accept they want to be hurt than it is for a person to learn to deliberately hurt others.

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Post #: 16

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 8:35:21 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

Does anyone recognise this? Can anyone offer me some advice?
Use the search feature in the upper right corner to look up "Sub frenzy".

Jeff is correct in the regard that i am going to sound mean, but what the hell. Your entire post is "me me me me me me". Yet, you state a 10 year marriage to a man who was probably blindsided by all this. You mentioned nearly nothing of him, or what your quest for self-fulfillment is doing to him and his emotions.

This is not all about you. You have a commitment with this man and he needs to be a priority.

This. ^^^

Sirsholly is a genious, and quite well-spoken besides. The above post is a perfect example. PAY ATTENTION, OP!

Do whatever you need to do, to re-focus on your husband, and his needs and desires. Presumably he is coming back from deployment. His hard work and sacrifice have enabled you to have the freedom to look around, and try new things. Earn this chance, with each new day. Don't take him for granted, or you'll lose him.

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Post #: 17

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 8:41:00 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Any time that we obsess on anything (kink or anything else) we need to look at how it is disrupting our lives. You say you are losing focus because you are so consumed with this? Simple answer. Do something else. Use your time and energy in another way.

The rest of your posts I'm kind of confused about. I'm getting the image that hubby is away for a bit (military deployment or job, maybe?) and you've worked out that you can play a bit, which I get the impression is online. I'm not getting the vibe that he's consented (yet) to allow you to play with others in a physical way. It sounds more like this method is an attempt to compromise with you a bit until he gets back so that you guys can do some groundwork on how this is all going to work out for you two.

If that's right, I'm going to tell you that I think that's actually pretty big of him. It's hard as hell for a vanilla spouse to accept what is happening on your end and try to understand it all. Your best bet is to stick within the guidelines of whatever limits he's got on this until he gets home. Otherwise, you're going to screw up the trust that he's going to need to have in you to go any further. If you wreck that in the very beginning of your exploration, he's going to pull the plug.

When I got back into BDSM with My (then) vanilla husband's consent, I made sure that I bent over backwards to show him that it would only be under the terms we agreed on. It was My responsibility to show him that our marriage came first and that I meant it. When we talked, I made sure I was the one who followed through so he could know without a doubt that his trust in Me wasn't misplaced. That's the way it worked for us and it was probably the only way it could have been successful.

My advice is that you should cool your jets until your husband gets home. Start the process of education and communication. Remember that he is a part of this marriage too, and is entitled to the process of working his feelings out about all of this. Even if it doesn't feel like enough work with him in whatever boundaries he's willing to give you. Be above board in your practices and hopefully it will give him the reassurance in what is happening that he will give you a little more freedom to explore.

Yeah, I'm just some chick on the net, but this is how it worked for Me.

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Post #: 18

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 8:42:29 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Can anyone offer me some advice?

this slave would encourage you to spend some time alone...or with a counselor...until you can be honest with yourself & the folks you attempt to engage in relationships with.
your lack of integrity must certainly cause grief and turmoil for those who engage in relationships with you...why would you want to hurt them like that?

(in reply to letterdoos)

Post #: 19

RE: Kinda tense - 6/30/2010 8:47:56 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
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I am forever amazed at the lengths people will go to fuck up their lives. OP is doing a great job with that. However, we must remember that she has accepted herself as a poly switch. Her husband has also kindly accepted her as a poly switch. Now it's all about her and getting her poly switch itch scratched, by hook or by crook, by lying and cheating. How long until the OP writes the board again to tell us her husband found out about the cheating and is using her lifestyle as evidence in the divorce to keep her from seeing the kids without supervision? Yep, amazing what people will do.

quote:

Was looking for some suggestions to get myself back in line.

This is not a poly switch lifestyle issue. It is about your personality and your lack of ability to set limits upon yourself. Seek professional help before you lose everything.

< Message edited by peppermint -- 6/30/2010 9:02:36 AM >

(in reply to letterdoos)

Post #: 20

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