Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Self-Centered or Considerate?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Self-Centered or Considerate? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 4:29:48 PM   
shigglyboom


Posts: 110
Joined: 10/10/2005
Status: offline 		Some may remember my post to the poly forum a while back about a D/s couple I'm friendly with but have not yet met in person. Recently a second invitation came to visit the dom, as friends, but with the mutual understanding that more might ensue. I accepted. Upon his telling her an hour later, his sub started into another tailspin of jealousy and insecurity. (This was despite her best efforts and intention to be open; it's instinctive.) Aware of the degree of pain this struggle caused her last time, I backed out immediately and told them both I'd only visit if she were there.

The dom has derogated my decision as self-centered. In contrast, I see it as the responsible and kind thing to do. As her friend and as an independent human (not his sub), I believe my responsibility not to hurt her takes precedence over his and my desire to meet. He's a sadist, but as a free woman I'm stuck adhering to my own moral values. That includes trying to avoid causing people pain.

This dom is someone I admire and he's often right about this sort of thing, but I don't see where he's coming from here. Was this a selfish decision?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 4:34:59 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		is it feasable for anyone to get a blowjob here?

If not, consider alternatives.

Thanks,
Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 4:40:57 PM   
MistressStchWich


Posts: 74
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		All decisions are selfish to some degree...whether to desire to avoid unpleasantness, to avoid hurting others, to avoid problems....regardless of the "reason" we believe we are motivated to take an action or make a decision, are the very heart of it is a selfish reason...we desired to avoid, prevent, or effect something in a particular way and made a decision or took an action toward fulfillment of that desire.
However, it was a selfless act to call it off. This lifestyle can often be challenging and sometimes a little dicey....
You had no desire to hurt your friend, nor cause problems in her life and relationship; you had no desire to cause grief for her Master at that time nor in the future where it could be recalled and used over and over to cause even greater damage, and you did not wish to carry that baggage around afterward...Pretty good reasons to call it off to me.
So what if it was selfish? Who is in authority over you at this time? You are, so if you do not feel you were wrong, don't beat yourself up over it, so to speak...lol
Regardless of your motivations, it was a right decision.

_____________________________

Freedom is an expensive enterprise, but well worth the cost. Especially when extracted from the enemy. `Erehc Krueger

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 5:42:27 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		I agree, you did the right thing. I think him calling you out on it was the blatantly self-centered thing in this scenario.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to MistressStchWich)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 6:10:38 PM   
BrianSenior


Posts: 88
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		I can understand the idea  any decision being selfish, in a way deep thinking aspect. I would say you did the right thing. If He is persistant to see others with the submissive He has being against it, will not be long that He is looking for a poly life, cause He will be starting from cratch, after loosing what He has now. ~BK~

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 6:17:50 PM   
wytchywoman


Posts: 510
Joined: 2/27/2006
From: Southeastern Michigan
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

is it feasable for anyone to get a blowjob here?


Thanks,
Ron


Probably not. for you. You try to sound humorous but in the end you just sound like a hng.


_____________________________

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson


(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 6:19:04 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I think charges of "you are being selfish/self-centered" is an angry reply that attempts to get you to change your mind.

You did what you thought was best.

It sounds like this dom needs to deal with his partner's issues before playing with anyone else though because its unfair for him to expect others to deal with her issues for him or to deal with any aftermath of a playing.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 6:19:32 PM   
MsMacComb


Posts: 808
Joined: 3/30/2005
From: My Mothers womb.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wytchywoman
Probably not. for you. You try to sound humorous but in the end you just sound like a hng.
 

Can you please tell me what "hng" means or is abbreviated for?

_____________________________

Not looking for anyone for anything, any time.

(in reply to wytchywoman)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 6:33:08 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		HNG=Horny Net Geek

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to MsMacComb)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 6:44:48 PM   
starymists


Posts: 139
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline 		Having been poly for a number of years, I can tell you my own personal policy is that when I am involved with someone who is in a primary relationship, I want the blessings of both persons, whether I will be active with both or not. I do that for a number of reasons. Number one, I don't want to see anyone else hurt. I won't take my pleasure by causing someone else pain. Number two, I personally think it's disrespectful to not respect other peoples desires. I practice safe, sane, and consentual BDSM. I realize not everyone does, but that is my own personal rule. No consent = friends only. Number three, if a Dominant is willing to disregard his partner that way, and cause that kind of pain, he's not likely to be someone that I'd want to be involved with. But that is me and how I practice BDSM.
 
As far as the whole 'you're being selfish thing' in the context of how much pain his actions are causing his other, as well as the distress it's causing you to be caught in the middle, who is really being the selfish one? Just food for thought. Good luck!

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 7:03:53 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		My first thought was you called it off because you didnt want to "deal" with it.  You didnt want to deal with her insecurity or her jealousy.  Which would be self centered.  With out knowing some ones true nature.. one cant tell.  Though it doesnt seem in your nature though i'm sure it is for others. 

Some ppl just want pleasantness and happiness all around and bail when things get crappy. 

Maybe he see's it that way?  Who knows, why not ask him?

Though i do have to say, that if you had said you would come but want nothing to go "on" but to just meet him (to save her any issues) it would seem less self centered.  Not saying your decision was self centered. 

Suggestion that you'd go but would like to talk to her before anything went on would be a different approach.  Basically anything that has to do with dealing with it, but making it so it wasnt so hard for her. Course it puts her abit on the spot.  Instead of just backing away.

And i've been in that spot.  As i have those same issues.  You learn to cope/deal/shut your trap and think of others.  i've been put in many instances that raised those issues.  Generally i always tried to play it off, while trying to carefully keep an eye on my body language, facial expresions (i can be a mirror at times) as to not ruin anyone elses fun. 

Its good learning spot.  Each time gets easier - less difficult, less of a painstaking process to cover the emotions.  You learn to deal and you learn its okay.

(in reply to starymists)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 7:05:36 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		ah.. and i forgot to add

just a different perspective - not saying i'm right about your situation (AT ALL)

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 7:13:12 PM   
LaMalinche


Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

is it feasable for anyone to get a blowjob here?

If not, consider alternatives.

Thanks,
Ron


Sure. . . when ya want it Ron?

Anyone who quotes Einstien. . .

*wipes drool off chin*



Best,

LaMalinche


(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 7:16:22 PM   
talmar


Posts: 338
Joined: 11/13/2005
Status: offline 		I do have a ego. Some Dommes like to play with that. A German Domme friend of mine likes a sub with a ego...she enjoys breaking it.  Most of the Dommes I have sessioned with enjoy spirited bottoms.

(in reply to LaMalinche)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 7:22:46 PM   
LaMalinche


Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: talmar

I do have a ego. Some Dommes like to play with that. A German Domme friend of mine likes a sub with a ego...she enjoys breaking it.  Most of the Dommes I have sessioned with enjoy spirited bottoms.


What does that have to do with saying "Sure" to Ron?

I certainly did not mean to hurt your ego.

Best,

LaMalinche


(in reply to talmar)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/14/2006 7:25:43 PM   
talmar


Posts: 338
Joined: 11/13/2005
Status: offline 		 Sorry I was just trying to respond  to the topic. I didn't mean it to be a specific response to your post. 

< Message edited by talmar -- 4/14/2006 7:27:42 PM >

(in reply to LaMalinche)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/15/2006 1:20:23 AM   
DigitBox


Posts: 154
Joined: 3/18/2006
Status: offline 		I wouldn't go near a couple where there was a jealousy issue.  If both partners can't agree that it's okay for me to be a part of their play then I'm not going near them.

It just keeps life a lot simpler.

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/15/2006 5:05:40 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Now, I don't know the whole situation, but seems to me the guy is attempting to trounce on some very definite limits his girl has.  Some people just aren't meant for a poly relationship and there's nothing that can change that.  For a dominant (and I'm using the term loosely) to accuse you of selfishness because you chose to back out of the meet, for any reason, is a perfect example of why it was a wise choice for you.

(in reply to DigitBox)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/15/2006 6:23:15 AM   
Smythe


Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

is it feasable for anyone to get a blowjob here?

If not, consider alternatives.

Thanks,
Ron


She's a WOMAN, W-O-M-A-N.  I'll say it again.
 
Smythe via Peggy Lee

_____________________________

Do not consider painful what is good for you.
Euripides

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Self-Centered or Considerate? - 4/15/2006 6:41:39 AM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think anyone can be faulted for considering the feelings of others.  I once found myself in a similiar  situation.......and would not consider hurting my friend  in order to interact with her Partner. The poly lifestyle isn't for everyone as someone said in a previous post. 
To me...one of the most important aspects of seeking a Mate  in this lifestyle,  or any other for that matter...is to have like minds in regards to such things.

(in reply to Smythe)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Self-Centered or Considerate? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094